I really dislike reducing people down to one trait. Have even before this whole mess started. I know enough history to know that's always, always a bad route to go. But....
Rainbow, Freaking, Dash.
Rainbow Dash is every athlete stereotype rolled up into one rainbow-maned flying mare. There is really no other way to describe her--she's devoted to her exercise and equally lazily coasts through life. She has an enormous ego that demands attention almost all the time, and a genuine urge to encourage everyone she meets. She degrades every aspect of study and intellectual pursuits unless it happens to be directly related to something she finds awesome. She's crass, rude, and short-sighted, and also devoted, caring, and warm to her friends.
So, somebody that somebody like me should absolutely not get along with, right? I'm a data analyst, or I was, and while my unwilling transformation had given me a new lease on fitness it didn't necessarily mean I had any fondness for physical effort. Not automatically, anyway, but after a few of Blake's drills.... the point is, while I wasn't necessarily a 'nerd' in the sense that I hid away behind books, I was pretty much the kind of person a 'jock' was expected to come into conflict with. Brains versus Brawn! That age-old question, and a false dichotomy.
I should absolutely have had a rivalry of some sort with Rainbow Dash, especially given how our first meeting started. I should have been completely upset, but... there's a thing about ponies. They're... genuine. That's the best word for it, they simply are Who They Are, all the time. Well, most of them anyway, there are some exceptions, but it's like... Rainbow Dash is Rainbow Dash, and she took the time to make sure she knew exactly who it was she was attacking. Not just my name. My entire self.
Oh, uh, yeah. She did start our first meeting by plowing me into the ground. See, that's a funny story...
"DON'T WORRY, TWI! I GOT IT!"
Ow! Damn it, if I'm not in control of my body I shouldn't have to feel pain from it!
"Mmrphnghph grmmph," I mumbled, shaking my head and spitting out dirt. All four of my ears were ringing, and as interesting as that experience was, I certainly wasn't in any hurry to repeat it. I tried to push myself out of the divot in the ground--
--only to feel something push my back down. "Nuh-uh! No giant weasel's going to eat my friend, not on MY watch!"
"I'm not a weasel!"
"HOLY CELESTIA! YOU CAN TALK?!"
That question was so incongruous that I had to laugh. "That, ha, that feels like something I should be asking!"
"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight cried, walking over to us. "What do you think you're doing? She is a new citizen of Ponyville, and a brand new visitor to Equestria!"
"So... she's not some sort of giant bald weasel that was trying to ambush you for lunch?"
"No," Twilight replied, deadpan.
"It'd be near impossible to cook her anyway," I added dryly.
There was a pause.
"Really, Briar?" Twilight asked. "Really?"
"Yeah you're right," the voice from my back agreed. "Skin's too tough, and she doesn't have nearly enough meat."
"Rainbow!"
"Carnivore joke, Twi. You hang around with griffons enough, you pick up on the humor." The weight accompanying the voice disappeared. "Look, sorry about that. I haven't seen anything like you before, and us being so close to the Everfree I had to just, you know, make sure my friend was safe."
I pushed myself out of the ground with a groan, dusting the dirt off my arms. "You foot the medical bills, and we'll be even."
"Medical bills?" Twilight cocked her head. "I don't understand, why would you need to pay for healthcare?"
I stared at her for a few moments. "...Healthcare is free here?"
"Well, it's tax-funded," she allowed. "But anyway, it doesn't look like you need it."
"I was just plowed face first through, what, a solid two feet of gravel."
"Psssh," said the voice of the one who had done the plowing, "I've had rougher crashes and gotten up flying."
I turned to see a blue pony with a rainbow mane hovering in midair, somehow held aloft by wings which were five sizes too small, smirking at me with crossed forelegs. "Well, back where I come from this could have serious consequences... I mean, I feel fine," I admitted reluctantly. "Which come to think of it is really weird..."
Aura, Blake stated as if that explained everything. You're welcome, by the way.
"It might be a side effect of your transformation," Twilight mused. "You do have a remarkably deeply integrated self-consistency in your ethereal structure."
The blue pony groaned. "In equuish, Twi!"
That earned her a flat look. "Basically her magic knows what her body is supposed to be like and minimizes any damage that would alter it from that framework."
Like I said. Aura. Although it's not magic.
"It sounds like magic to me," I mumbled.
Twilight gave me a look. "Yes, we... just got done establishing that it's magic."
"Right. Still a little shaken by being plowed through the ground." I stood up, brushing my legs off... and paused. "Oh, hmm. That's... something."
"What? What is it?"
"No tears in my socks. Is that magic too?"
Do you seriously not know what Aura is?
"It could be," Twilight mused. "I'd have to run some tests--"
"Not today." I took a breath. "Today is about getting me set up for tomorrow, and all the tomorrows after that."
"So wait. You've been transformed, right?" The blue pony tilted her head. "How do you know you're not some sort of bald weasel?"
I gave her a level stare. "I'm still mostly the same shape I was before... barring a few additions and some streamlining."
Are you talking about my ears?
"Not just the ears," I muttered, giving a significant glance downward.
Right, you were... Blake made a sound that probably was the closest thing to a shudder she could do while just being a voice. I don't know what's more creepy, having a human piloting my body or having a male piloting my body.
"...Yeah, I still think you look like a weasel. But in a good way," the pony assured me. "Like, you've got that smooth motion look. You might be a good gymnast or something!"
Or something.
I snorted. "Gee, thanks, I'm sure you're an expert."
"Well, pretty much, yeah! The name's Rainbow Dash. Fastest flyer in Equestria, Wonderbolt Reserve, all around awesome pegasus." She pulled a grin so cocky roosters everywhere would be jealous.
"...oh." I glanced at Twilight, who gave me a roll of her eyes, before turning back. "So... you're the head of Twilight's personal guard, I guess?"
"What? No. I mean, I guess I could be," Rainbow mused, "but, you know, I don't think Twi has asked me for that."
"Besides, I don't have a personal guard," Twilight added. "There's really no need."
That statement was just so... utterly bizarre, I had to stare at her for a second or two.
"Let me see if I understand exactly what you are saying here." I started counting off on my fingers. "Fact one: You are a princess, with all the legal authority and attention that implies."
"Yes?"
"Fact two: You live in a palace, with all the furnishings and valuables that that implies."
"Well, it is a bit modest for a palace," Twilight admitted. "But there are a few valuable artifacts."
"Oh, yes, that would be fact three: The multitude of powerful and possibly unique magical artifacts, and while I admit I know nothing about them, from brief experience they can possibly change the shape of a person or the world."
"Well... I suppose, but I would never misuse them, obviously."
"Which brings us to fact four: The location of the palace is in Ponyville, which I have been helpfully informed is regularly subject to incursions of both mundane monsters and magical megalomaniacs."
"I mean, yes, but we've always been able to handle that sort of thing. Well, me and my friends."
"On top of all that, you live with your daughter--"
"My what?!"
"Spike," I clarified. "You hatched her, she's your daughter--"
"Okay," Twilight held up a hoof. "First of all, Spike is a male dragon. Secondly, I hatched him when I was a filly--I am way, WAY too young to be his mother."
I nodded in acknowledgement. "Alright. I apologize for misinterpreting your relationship. My point is, you have family living in this palace filled with precious magical artifacts located in an event-filled hotzone."
Twilight nodded. "It's not like he has anywhere else to go."
"And, with all these facts in mind, you state, without a shred of irony, that you do not need a personal guard."
Twilight opened her mouth, paused, and frowned. "...Well... I mean... I just... I don't feel like it's right for me to have a set of guards, you know? I'm the princess of friendship. Having a set of guards blocking me from the public isn't very, you know, friendly."
"...Ah-huh." I turned to Rainbow. "So, do you think this whole situation sounds fishy, or is it just me?"
"I mean it kind of just happened," the pegasus replied with a shrug. "But now that you mention it, yeah, that's... really sort of weird, Twi."
"Do you want to be the head of my personal guard?"
"Well, I mean, on the one hoof I'd never leave you hanging and would totally wreck any bad guys that came after you. On the other... I'd be expected to just stand around all day and there'd be a lot of paperwork."
"Even if she doesn't want in on your guards, though, you should probably get one," I advised. "Heck, you let in a strange creature from the Everfree just because your zebra friend vouched for her."
"What, are you dangerous?"
I shrugged. "Maybe."
Twilight paused. "Um. You were supposed to say no."
"Twilight, I have a freaking gun-sword strapped to my back."
Gambol Shroud is a variant ballistic chain scythe, not a gun-sword!
"It's not strapped," Twilight pointed out weakly. "It's... magnets."
Rainbow and I shared a look.
"Yeah, you know something Twi, I have to agree with the weasel. I mean sure, she turned out to be cool, but you kind of took a big risk just talking to her with no precautions whatsoever."
"I fought Tirek," Twilight mumbled.
"With the power of four alicorns! And even with that you couldn't beat him, you just brought him to a standstill!"
"Who's Tirek?" I asked.
"Magic-draining centaur," Rainbow explained dismissively. "Don't worry, he's back in Tartarus now."
"Alright, alright, fine. So I'm maybe a little underprepared for the possibility of dangerous new creatures in my castle. If I promise to look into it, will you two stop lecturing me in the middle of town square?!"
I blinked, looking around for the first time in a while. Somehow, without noticing it, we had drawn a crowd.
"Aheh." Rainbow waved her hooves. "Nothing to see here, everypony! Just a little friendship problem! It's all good!"
The ponies started breaking away, murmuring amongst themselves.
I coughed into my fist. "Yeah. Okay. Could have thought that out a bit better, it was a spur of the moment kind of thing..."