//------------------------------// // A Wrathful Week // Story: A Very Angry Problem // by GasmaskBrony //------------------------------// Twilight sat with her friends, minus Spike, around the Cutie Map. She had her hooves folded and the hat from her costume sitting beside her as she inhaled deeply through her nose and looked at her gathered compatriots. Both Applejack and Rainbow were looking nervously between Twilight and Starlight, who was currently looking around nervously, had a thick bandage wrapped around her head, and looked like she hadn't slept in a week. Fluttershy hardly looked much better, countless rings under her eyes, a haunted look in her tired eyes, and a deep frown on her face as she looked at Starlight. She too shared Starlight's a nervous glance at the kitchens deeper in the crystal tree castle. Rarity looked absolutely steamed as she muttered darkly to herself while she worked on some half finished piece before her. Pinkie seemed rather happy and excited as usual. "Alright," Twilight finally began, "I know many of us didn't expect to still be alive at this point and the task I gave each of you was basically impossible. I've heard rumors of how this past week has gone for all of you, but I'd like to hear from each of you how your attempts to befriend our... guest, Captain Jac'ass." Her eyes drifted to the visibly sweating Starlight, "Starlight will you please explain to me what in tartarus happened with you and him? All I've managed to get from Jac'ass is a lot of shouting and profanity about you being some witch and how I should behead you the next time we meet due to chaos or something." "Ah, before I begin, can I ask where Fubar is?" Starlight asked, eyes darting nervously about. "I've got him and Spike in the kitchens preparing food, making sure it isn't poisoned, and-" THAT'S NOT HOW I FUCKING TOLD YOU TO MAKE IT YOU DAMNED CROTCH SNIFFING NEWT!" a particularly angry voice roared from down the hall, "TELL ME HOW IN THE NAME OF THE EMPERAH'S MAJESTIC DONG IS THAT LETTING THE TEA SIMMER WITH FUCKING RAGE!?" A much quieter but still plenty angry voice shouted back, "Well how the heck am I supposed to let it simmer with rage, huh? I'm fairly certain that is not a literal thing!" "YOU DO SO BY CHANNELING YOUR FUCKING ANGER INTO THE DAMNED SHIT ASS TEA UNTIL IT LITERALLY BOILS WITH YOUR APPLIED RAGE NUMB NUTS! LIKE SO." the following river of non-stop spine tingling litany of pure anger and profanity was thankfully censored by Twilight casting a spell meant to completely deaden all sound. The gathered ponies could still make out a bit of shouting from down the hall nonetheless. "This should keep them occupied for at least another fifteen minutes," Twilight finished. "That can't be healthy for poor Spike," Fluttershy murmured, "I'm worried that he'll be a bad influence on the poor dear." "Trust me he is," Twilight sighed her horn glowing with the spell, "Now please Starlight, tell me exactly what happened." "Well it's kinda funny, you see I figured him being a massive terrifying gorilla that seems to be singularly focused on violence, I figured I might be able to impress him with my own troubled past and how much happier I am now that I'm not, what I was. This may~ have backfired spectacularly and gotten me accused of being a cultist traitor, which may have caused me to instinctively lash out with a mind control spell." many of those gathered around the table flinched and Twilight buried her face in her hooves, "He may~ have somehow overpowered the spell with, as far as I can tell, pure rage, which caused some sort of magical feedback. This may have caused me to panic and simply blast him, which in turn made him lunge for me which in turned caused that other guy you were talking about to momentarily hold him so I could escape. This all seems to have reinforced in his mind that I'm some sort of Chaos sorceress and now he really wants me dead. So if you don't mind I'd really like to go back to hiding in Maud's cave if you don't need me anymore." Twilight simply waved the mare away with a hoof, leaving her face buried in the other. With that Starlight disappeared in a puff of magic leaving an awkward near silence in the room. After a near minute Twilight looked up and asked the table, "Please tell me that nopony else has anything worse to tell me." "Well, that would rightly depend on how ya looked at it." Applejack muttered. Twilight paused for a moment, holding her breath and releasing it slowly out her nose before looking over to the farm pony, "Would you care to elaborate Applejack?" "Sure thing, now when ya sent the big guy my way to try and deal with I figured maybe I'd have him work the farm ta tire him out and maybe he'd be a little less angry after a day of good honest work. Turns out he's a mite too strong for that, was really tearing up every tree he punched or kick, all while screaming words I really ain't interested in Applebloom learnin' and spreadin' around. So without really thinking I told him to go walk the border of the Everfree and make sure none of the dangerous varmints in there were wandering too close to the farm. "Now, what followed was partly my fault for not being clear with him about what qualified as 'too close' or how to deal with any critter he found. All I knew at the time was that I had about an hour or so of peace and quiet before I started to see smoke. Turns out he had another weapon we didn't know about at the time," Applejack raised a hoof stopping Twilight's question, "It's already on the list you're having us keep, number nine, the one that shoots fire like a dragon with the flu. The feller had gone and used it to burn down a few hundred acres of the Everfree and slaughtered just about everything in it." "Oh no," Fluttershy murmured, "He didn't hurt too many of them did he." Applejack cringed a bit, looked about, and finally flashed a toothy grin, "Hard to say to be honest, Fluttershy. I didn't really count. Not that it would have done much good, what with all the fire, and pieces." Fluttershy looked rather green, as did Rarity, "I did manage to stop him before he got too close to Zecora's place, I don't even want to know how he'd react to her, told him to go get cleaned up so that he'd be presentable later." "Which was probably about the time I got reports of him storming through town covered in blood to walk into the pond," Twilight sighed remembering the countless panic stricken ponies and all the complaints leveled at her by the mayor since the incident had briefly turned the lake red and even stained the shore around it. "Does anypony here have any better news to tell me about their session with Fubar?" Pinkie's hoof shot into the air as she began bouncing in her seat like an eager schoolfilly. Twilight grimaced and remembered the many many complaints that had come from that day and turned eagerly to Rainbow Dash who was hesitantly motioning with her hoof while muttering, "Well kinda sorta, I'm still not really sure myself." "Please do tell Rainbow, what did you two do? I remember hearing some roaring, and not the usual kind, that day but otherwise it was pretty quiet." Twilight looked at one of the gems dangling from the chandelier above her with a faint smile, "I actually managed to forget about him for a few fantastic minutes." "Well at first I asked if he could fly and he stomped off somewhere only to return a couple minutes later with this big yellow jetpack." she paused to look around the table to ask, "Anypony manage to figure out where he keeps getting and hiding all this stuff?" "The armory." Pinkie stated. "Right, anyway I told him that we needed to make sure the sky was cleared of clouds to make sure we could insure no one could sneak up on us from the sky or some such before showing him how to clear clouds. Turns out he can't burst them like a pegasus but can still rip them to pieces with enough swinging, shouting, or burning them away with his jet pack. Then I tried to ditch him to go to Wonderbolts practice, but~ he managed to keep up with me. Needless to say Spitfire was not happy to have him there and the two started shouting at each other. "I was honestly afraid the two were going to come to blows right then and there. The Captain kept shouting about how pathetic the recruits and everyone else was, how poor the defenses he'd witnessed were, and how much of an idiot Spitfire was for setting such low standards, all while he constantly threatened to pound her flat. Spitfire was busy shouting at him for being a flying brick, as noisy as a trainwreck, having the gall to intrude on a military installation without proper clearance, and repeatedly stating that she didn't care what he was he didn't have clearance. Now I don't know what happened next as I'd slipped off to practice the routine for the next show, but I'm pretty sure it did come to blows as Spitfire had some ugly bruises and was favoring her left leg pretty badly next time I saw her and Fubar's armor had some new dents in it. "The odd thing though was that they both seemed happier in a weird way. Fubar was tearing into a squad of recruits so viciously," the gathered ponies gasped. Rainbow rolled her eyes, "Verbally, he was verbally tearing into them to the point that they all seemed ready to flee but were too afraid to and Spitfire was asking if she could keep him. I honestly don't know what happened and I'm a bit afraid to find out, but it seems that Spitfire wants Fubar to help around the training grounds at least once a week if it's okay with you." "I'm honestly not sure." Twilight sighed rubbing her face, "While I'd love to get Fubar out of my mane I really don't think it's a good idea to dump him on Spitfire, even if she's asking for him, which is really making me worried about that mare and how she treats he recruits. So Fluttershy, how'd your day with him go?" Twilight asked pointedly ignoring Pinkie's eagerly waving hoof in exchange for the one day a complaint hadn't been leveled at her or her new burden. "Well, it went okay, I guess." the little yellow pony murmured, "Nothing too horrible happened." "Did you manage to befriend him?" Twilight asked hopefully. "I'd have to say, no. He really didn't seem to like me, or my animals, or my house. He mostly just shouted at me for being cowardly and allowing my animals to run free until Discord showed up." Everypony at the table flinched. They had all been afraid of what would happen when their very violent bother met with the King of Chaos considering the former's very vocal aversion to said Chaos. "How did that go." "Better than I expected," Fluttershy smiled before her ears fell, "but not as well as I hoped." "So how much damage are we talkin here?" "None thankfully, I think." Fluttershy squirmed, "When Discord appeared the two of them just looked at each other for several minutes. Neither said a word, moved, or even blinked, even when I tried to prompt them to. Then Discord just left and Fubar excused himself a couple seconds later. I haven't seen Discord since." "Well that's, odd." Twilight mumbled. "I'll say, I was willing to bet some cold hard bits on the two getting into a fight so massive they literally broke the universe when they met." Rainbow Dash grumbled. "I'm rather glad they didn't," Twilight grumbled, she really didn't need more complaints and budget concerns added to the already massive pile, "So Rarity how'd your-?" "I shall not speak of my time with that barbarian." Rarity snarled as she glared down at the dress she was working at grumbling darkly as she stabbed the fabric with her needle. Twilight was about to ask for details only to be interrupted. "Oh, that means it's my turn right?" Twilight was sorely tempted to say no, "Sure Pinkie, go on ahead." "I had a great time with Jackie!" Pinkie declared happily, "He helped me take care of the twins, showed me a bunch of great recipes I'd never tried before, and helped with the baking during the lunch rush! We talked about all sorts of things to, our pets, the best ways to surprise someone, our families. Did you know that Jackie has like, thousands of brothers? I bet it's amazing to have such a massive family! Though I imagine that their parents would have trouble housing them all." "Wait, wait, wait." Rainbow held up both her hooves, "Are you talking about Fubar? Captain Fubar Jac'ass? The perpetually angry and yelling giant of doom? The same guy who I watched literally murder a cloud." "Yepperoni! Who would have guess he's a great chef?" "Not that I doubt you Pinkie, but I'm having a hard time picturing him taking care of children." Fluttershy quietly stated. "I didn't say he was much good at it," Pinkie giggled, "Jackie seemed to be almost terrified of taking care of them. You'd think he'd never had to take care of foals before the way he froze when they first started crying and with how much he struggled to change their diapers. When I asked him to help in the kitchens he practically sprinted for them." "And he was good at baking?" Twilight's mind was still trying to catch up with Pinkie's description of her day with the giant. Her brains was still stubbornly refusing pair the images together, "As in he's good at something other than yelling and killing?" "Well he does a whole lot of yelling while he cooks, claims it's an important part of the process, but yeah he's a great baker." "How in tarnations did he learn to cook?" a very baffled apple horse asked. "He told me that after getting trapped in blasted wastelands for years on end with nothing to eat but literal rocks he worked hard on making the most basic of foods taste good. Claimed he's had decades to hone his skills and I believe him. His blueberry muffins of vengeance are to die for. Such a shame so few ponies stayed to try them." "IT WOULD BE MORE A SHAME IF THE LAZY ASS XENO FUCKS DIDN'T RETURN TO THEIR DAMNED WORK!" a terribly familiar roar filled the room causing five of the six ponies to nearly leap out of their seats. Somehow a three meter tall multi-ton mass of armor had simply appeared behind them all. "Whoa, didn't mean to startle you everypony," Spike peeked out from behind the yellow clad titan carrying a silver tray of tea cups, his voice sounding like he had swallowed a frog, "Thought for sure you'd have heard us coming." "It's fine Spike, I guess we were just distracted by our, tactics meeting." Twilight said dismissing her silencing spell, "Now why don't-" "THEN WHY THE EMPERAH LOVING FUCK NUGGETS DID YOU TELL ME TO DO YOUR COCKING KITCHEN WORK YOU RETARDED TRIPLE FAG?" "Because this isn't combat tactics, it's social tactics!" Twilight shouted back glaring up at the angry post-human. "Now if you want to sit here with us and discuss ways of peacefully persuading more ponies to want to join the Imperium than be my guest. If not than you can make sure no chaos has taken root inside our headquarters while we've all been here." A low angry rumble, not unlike an avalanche, bubbled up from the yellow marine. "FINE! I DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN IN ON YOU DULL AS FUCK NERD SHIT. BESIDES, I SMELL A HERETIC IN NEED OF AN ANALLY ADMINISTERED PURGING AROUND HERE." Fubar stomped out of the room angrily leaving the room in relative silence as Twilight caught her breath, snorting with annoyance. "You know you don't have to always be so mean to him," Spike said as he walked around the table passing out the tea cups, "He's actually not that bad a guy under all that armor and weaponry once you learn to tune out his cursing." "Spike he's literally two tons of death incarnate that has loudly stated at multiple instances that he wants to kill us all." Twilight deadpanned. "Well yeah he says that but he hasn't now has he?" Spike argued. "Ya didn't see what he did back in Canterlot or to the princesses Spike," Applejack shuddered, "Frankly I'm astonished the sun and moon are still moving after all that." "But he's behaving now isn't he? " Spike protested. Twilight quickly recast her silencing spell just in case, "That's because he thinks that I'm an official from his empire and that he's here under orders. If it wasn't for that he'd probably have killed everypony in Canterlot, Ponyville, and Cloudsdale by now. Why are you even trying to defend him Spike? He's a monster!" "Because he's not a total monster," Pinkie offered. Everypony turned to look at her, "I mean yeah he really is a big scary guy that is constantly angry and seems to constantly be looking for some way to violently vent his anger, but that doesn't seem to be all he is. When you get to know him, buried deep deep under all that anger is someone who seems so very sad and wants to help people." "Um, you sure you aren't just trying to find some good in the big guy Pinkie?" Rainbow asked, "I don't think Captain Always Angry even understands the idea of sadness." "You just got to actually spend some time with him, really look past what he is." Spike insisted setting aside the tea set, "He's actually a pretty cool guy, and really good at Ogres and Oubliettes." "Do excuse me for being rude Spike," Rarity said patting Spike on the head as she took her teas, "but I'm afraid I don't see even the slightest possibility of that ruffian being anything other than a screaming brute." She took a sip her tea and her expression brightening immensely, "Oh this tea is delicious Spike, what blend did you use?" "I don't recognize it myself, did you buy a new tea blend while we were busy Spike?" Twilight asked looking up from her own tea. "Nope, Fubar made that." Spike said with a coy smile, "Said it's angry timberwolf tea with cinnamon and a hint of lemon. He was showing me how to make it, but I couldn't get it quiet right. He promised to spend some time later today to help me practice though." "He knows how to make TEA!?" Rarity demanded glaring at the liquid with a mix of fury and reluctant appreciation. "Wait he made tea out of timberwolves?" Rainbow asked, "That's kind of awesome, in a terrifying way." "I really hope is doesn't make us sick," Twilight muttered. "Nopey dopey," Pinkie said happily, "He made it while we were visiting the other day and nopony who had it got sick." "I still refuse to believe that lout knows how to make tea, much less good tea." Rarity huffed taking another sip from her cup, "Though I will admit it does seem to do wonders for cooling a temper." "I'm telling you he's really a fairly swell guy if you actually make the effort to get to know him." Spike insisted, "Just give him a real chance guys, please?" "Fine," Twilight sighed taking another sip of her tea, "Even though I think we have given him more than enough chances as is."