Stan Marsh’s mouth dropped in disbelief as he watched the winged cow on the TV screen reunite with her friends in a cheerful explosion of laughter. Beside him were his friends Kyle Broflovski and Kenny McCormick.
“Dude, this is so lame.” Kyle stated over the cheer of the kindergartners in the room that they were forced to watch the episode with.
“What was this show called again?” Stan asked
“Humph, hurm, humph!” Kenny said under his thick orange parka.
“My Little Milk Cow.” Kyle answered statically as he watched the chubby cow princess take to the sky with her minuscule wings. Her breasts wavered underneath her with milk splattering all over. The episode kept going. Kyle face twisted in disbelief underneath his green winter hat.
“Seriously? The evil overlord is literarily defeated by the power of friendship?”
“Dude, that is so gay.” Stan stated under his blue beaner.
“Humph.” Kenny agreed
The door to the kindergarten room opened. A big presence entered and wobbled inside due to his heavy overweight. Stan looked sideways at Eric Cartman while he joined them in watching the magic of lameness. Stan could already hear the words of Cartman before they would be spoken. ‘What in the world are you watching dudes?!’ or ‘Dude, are you going to leave here, or stay until the entire school knows that you’re watching My Little Milk Cow?’. Or plainly ‘Dude, you guys are so gay.’ If only that had been the case. But instead of Cartman, Stan got Lameman.
“Could I borrow you some money? I need to buy some school equipment.” Cartman asked with a sophisticated voice. Stan frowned.
“Dude, don’t you have your own money?”
“You see Stan, I have a poor mother who makes very little in wages.”
Stan could already hear the real Cartman answer sail past inside his head. ‘My mother is a cheap bitch Stan, I’m a poor victim of the failing America that needs charity.’
Of course, Stan was OK with Cartman calling his mother poor. But it wasn’t about what he said so much as how he said it. Ever since Cartman had entered that lawyer school for troubled youngsters he hadn’t been himself Stan felt. His eyes stared dead and emotionless at him as he talked. It was almost like he wasn’t really sincere, and not in an incredulous mean Cartman way but in a dry way, almost like Cartman didn’t know himself what he thought anymore, which wasn’t like him. Stan missed the old Cartman, the Cartman that would invite his friends for cinemas and tell them how he actually felt about the movie, even if that meant pissing of everybody inside the cinema. But nowadays Cartman was all just a polished shell, nothing interesting.
“Sure. Here you go.” Stan said reluctantly and gave him some coins.
“Hey Cartman. Do you wanna go to cinema later?” Kyle asked.
“I would gladly go with you to the cinema. I will consider it over my evening tea.” Cartman answered politely with perfect pronunciation. Stan looked frowning at his fat friend. It was one thing that Cartman made up excuses for studying instead of hanging out with his friends, but couldn’t he at least have chosen a less smug way to say it?
“Dude, do you always have studies to do?” Stan asked.
“Let me see here.” Cartman brought up a small calendar.
“On the other hand, forget it. Just call me when you have the time.” Stan felt like My Little Milk Cow would be more interesting. He decided to test Cartman.
“What do you think of this Cartman?” Stan asked and motioned the TV.
Cartman looked at the TV screen. He saw the cow princess milk breasts give a glow. ‘I guess that means that your mission is complete.’ A voice in the episode said. Cartman seemed to wail his eyes around, as if he was looking out for someone. He then answered statically without looking at Stan.
“It’s humble.”
Stan felt like he might as well have been standing on the other side of Earth. He folded his arms, lowered his head and let the fuzzy top of his beaner cover his face. On the TV screen the milk cow princess was now spinning through the air like a ballerina. She slammed her milk breasts and had them spurt. Her milk sailed through the air and landed on a birthday cake in the middle, creating a cream layer for her cow friends to feast on.
“Friendship is milk!” The cow princess dictated happily.
“Friendship is milk!” The kindergartener girls repeated. The boys remained silent, although a few of them mouthed the words.
Twilight Sparkle had her wings capture the rising winds, allowing her to ascend over the clouds and take in the rising sun behind the tall spiral mountain that laid ahead, the one named Corkscrew Top.
It was a merry day in Equestria for the princess of friendship. She was on her way to Canterlot for princess duties. Much like her studies, Twilight took her duties as one of the alicorn princesses of Equestria very seriously, but sometimes one might have to choose between them.
Twilights eyes widened at the familiar pulsating sound. She looked down at her cutie mark. Twilights cutie mark was neatly placed at the side of her flank. It consisted of a pink star surrounded by several other white stars. It now flashed with a bright light. Twilight gasped. The cutie map was calling her back at her castle. She felt an old joy boil up inside her.
For so long Twilight had been not much more than a symbol, a pony for fillies to look up to, all while all she did was to smile and wave while all her friends was called by the cutie map to do the dirty work. Finally, it would be her turn to actually do something for the friendships of Equestria. Twilight made a banking turn. She sailed down toward her castle, which rose majestically with its base shaped like a tree trunk. A giant star speared the sky on top of it. Its structure was completely made out of crystal rock and sparkled brightly.
The door to the main hall slammed open. The alicorn princess did not waste any time galloping her way into the conference room where the cutie map was located. Once she arrived the cutie map already had a viewer leaning over it. The table itself was round and was surrounded by seven chairs. One chair was for her and the rest for her friends representing the element of harmony. The seventh chair was smaller than the others and was for an older friend, a reptile friend.
Spike was Twilights dragon assistant of whom she had hatched as a filly. Being a dragon, Spike could only grow larger by taking stuff. But since Spike was a humble dragon that prided himself in serving the princess he had remained a baby dragon. He had his eyes riveted on the cutie map and the mark that hovered over a familiar area. Spike was to confounded to react to Twilights hooves closing in behind him. Twilight was in ecstasy.
“Oh! I am so exited! Where am I going?!”
“It looks like the map is calling you to the Tree of Harmony.” Spike answered. Despite him being a baby dragon, his voice still sounded like a slightly above teen-aged waiter apprentice, ready to take order at any notice.
“The Tree of Harmony?! But that doesn’t make any sense, there’s nopony living there.” Twilight turned and smiled nervously at Spike. ”Is it?”
Spike folded his arms.
“Well, maybe if you left your books alone for a while you might be able to go out and discover it for yourself.” He muttered to himself. He then proceeded answering the question.
“Well, there’s only one way to find out.”
“Great. I better get going!”
“But what about your meeting with princess Celestia?” Spike asked.
“We’ll send her a letter. I’m sure she’ll understand when we mention the cutie map.”
“But she said that this meeting could be a matter of Equestrian security. Are you sure you don’t want someone else to go in your stead?”
The humble dragon Spike had always prided himself in serving Twilight. His white teeth smiled in a begging manner. Twilight giggled.
“I’m sure it’s nothing that serious, but if you’re up for it?”
Spikes happy smile quickly faded into a confident smug face.
“I don’t know. I’ll have to check my schedule.” Spike brought up a calendar and read before answering while bowing his dragon head. “I am your humble assistant, princess.”
The humble student Eric Cartman stepped into school principal Demandoras office. The middle aged woman was looking out of the big window situated behind her desk.
“Your results are dropping.” Demandora remarked darkly. She had a lowly pitched voice that had the effect of smearing itself inside the mind of the receiver.
“I am your humble student, I will not disappoint you further.” Cartman replied nervously. Despite Cartmans big build his voice was highly pitched.
“Right you won’t.” Demandora replied while turning her head, her dark hair hanging down at its sides. She looked at Cartman with her green eyes. “Do you want to be a rich man Cartman or do you want to spend the rest of your life working at City Wok?!”
“No. Of course not ma’am. I am your humble student. I thank you for shedding light over my gracious side and helping me rid me of my un-humble demeanor's director Demandora.”
Demandora turned and looked out the window again. There was a moment of tensioned silence.
“No desserts for a week.”
“FUCK...!” Cartman pressed his hand over his mouth, his face dropping in regret, his eyes having round lines around them. Demandora turned around like a ghost woman. Her eyes burned green fire.
“What did you say?!”
“I...I mean...I am your humble student.” Cartman stammered.
Demandora walked up to Cartman. She reached out her hand and pinched his arm. Cartman moaned in pain.
“No humble student, no innocent child in my school should demeanor themselves by CURSING as long as I am principal!” Demandora tightened her pinch as she said the word ‘Principal’. Tears poured down Cartmans closed eyes as he pleaded in a broken voice.
“I am your humble student. I am your humble student. I am your humble student. I am your humble student.”
Demandora released the pinch. Cartman quickly wiped the tears away and swallowed his cry. Demandora walked over to her desk and sat down. She brought out a document. She looked down at it as she talked.
“This is no Sunday school young man. You know it’s for your own good.”
Cartman snorted, but he kept his cry away from his face.
“Of course, Demandora, I am your humble...”
“You might as well stop saying that!” Demandora said firmly. “Words means nothing if the sayer do not know what they mean, and when I read your latest test results it is not hard to figure out why you belong in that category.”
“But I know...”
“No, you don't!”
Cartman looked at Demandora with hopeless eyes.
“No, I don’t.” Cartman gave in with the cry hanging inside his throat. Demandora spoke slowly.
“Humbleness and humility is not that much unlike one other. Humility is a good way for accepting when something is clearly better, it is good when you have to learn by repetition. But as we both clearly saw just now with your overuse of the word humble, true humbleness is always better. When you are truly humble not only will you accept what is clearly better, but you also invite yourself to respect your own ability to learn. You will then learn to believe in yourself and, as every study ever made shows, you cannot learn anything unless you believe in yourself.”
Demandora looked at Cartman.
“Do you understand?”
“Yes Demandora.” Cartman answered.
“Do you understand why it is so important that you embrace true humbleness and stop with the swearing and other un-humble demeanors?”
“Yes Deman...”
“Repeat the lesson!” Demandora demanded.
“I need to embrace true humbleness to be able to believe in myself and learn.”
Demandora looked down at her papers again. The silence laid itself inside the office. Cartman was getting ready for the last word to slam his hope of greatness to the dust.
“No desserts for three weeks.” Demandora said.
Cartman breathed a sigh of relief as the phrase ‘You are expelled’ faded from the conversation.
“Thank you Demandora.”
“Principal Demandora, please.”
“Yes, principal Demandora.”
“You can go now.”
Cartman still felt his right arm burn as he walked out of Demandoras office. The rest of his unspoken phrase still went on repeat inside his head.
FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID BITCH!
Cartman was wobbling down the hallway when someone suddenly walked up behind him. It was one of the school monitors.
“What did you say?” The monitor asked darkly. Cartman looked at the monitor. He managed to keep his horrified face away as he suddenly realized that he probably had whispered the phrase out loud.
“Nothing.” Cartman answered hesitantly.
Demandora walked by not far from them. The monitor looked at her, then at Cartman. Cartman gulped. The monitor reached out his hand and wavered his fingers. Cartman reached down into his pockets and gave him the money that Stan had given him. The monitor smiled.
“Smart move.” He said and walked away.
FUCK YOU! I'M GONNA KILL YOU! The phrase exploded inside Cartmans head. Luckily, he held his breath. He made his way through the library. He caught a glance of the books that he would had bought with the money.
FUCK YOU STUPID LIBRARY INSIDE THIS STUPID SCHOOL!
“Shhhhh.” The librarian hushed as she heard Cartman mumbling to himself.
FUCK YOU STUPID LIBRARIAN!
Cartman made his way to the stairs leading down to the main hall. He glanced back and caught sight of the monitor again. He was talking to Demandora before pointing his finger at him. Demandora squinted her green eyes at Cartman from afar. Cartman felt his arm burn again while he gasped in fear. He sprinted to the stairs and grabbed the railing to hurl himself down. He lost grip of the railing. He crumbled his fat ass down the stairs and saw the hard floor come closer. But the floor did not stop him. Cartman screamed while he kept falling down into a flashing light.
Twilight suddenly heard a scream coming from inside the cave. Curious, she proceeded inside. Her hooves sent echoes along the stone walls as she slowly made her way toward a voice that sounded like a rusty gear trying to rotate. Twilight folded her wings. Her eyes widened in disbelief when she caught sight of what was hanging down the Tree of Harmony.
I was a blob. A blob with a red jacket and blue cap. It was wavering its arms frantically while it bounced on one of the branches.
“Wie... Wie... Nie... Nie...”
The blob sank lower. Its huge brown pants came down. Twilight Sparkle could see the blobs bouncing fat ass hover like a moon ahead.
“Aaah! Wie... Nie... Nie...”
The branch snapped. The blob screamed and went rolling down the trunk like a bowling ball. It stopped right in front of Twilight. He pulled up his pants and rose on his two chubby legs. Once he stood up his short body had his head barely reaching up to Twilights mouth level. He looked at Twilight.
“WAAA! Man Bear Pig!” The blob backed away and fell over a root. Twilight Sparkle could see the blobs chubby ass crack peak forth behind his pants while he tumbled through the muddy ground. Twilight realized that she had made a bad first impression. She laughed.
“Man Bear Pig? Now, I have no idea what that is, but it’s nice to meet you.” The alicorn had a teaching voice. Cartman rose up. His eyes wailed around in confusion.
“Eh... Where am I?”
“You’re in Equestria. Hi, my name is Twilight Sparkle and I am the princess of friendship!” Twilight unfolded her wings and smiled. Cartman stared bewildered at the purple Unicorn thingy with wings.
“The princess of friendship.” Cartman said blankly.
“Yes. My job is to spread friendship across Equestria.”
“Woa, that is sooooooo cool.” Cartman sailed the word, his blank stare of disbelief hovering on his face.
“I know, right.”
“That is totally not gay at all.”
“Well, I do have some friends who are gay, although I'm sure you mean homosexual. But that is way of course. I have been sent here specifically by the cutie map.” Twilight informed.
“The cutie map.” Cartman mirrored. This just kept getting better and better. Twilame continued.
“And now I’m here to find and handle a friendship problem until my cutie mark here pulsates, signaling that my mission is complete.” Twilight turned and showed off her pink star. Cartman nodded.
“But now is not the time to dwell in the future.” Twilight raised her wings. She looked at Cartman and proceeded talking faster and faster.
“As I said, I was sent here by the cutie map for a reason, and since you show up here for whatever reason I am lead to believe that this have something to do with you. Or if it hasn’t I'm sure you can help me find that reason so I can complete this first mission that I had gotten in a long time and not return as a failure to my boring life as a princess that smiles and waves all day. Or maybe you are the reason? Well, in that case we might as well get it over with and tell me what your friendship problem is because I just realized that I FORGOT MY CHECK LIST AT THE CASTLE!”
Twilights purple and violet streaked mane became raggedy as she lost her mind, her teeth jutting out of her mouth crazily.
“Wait? So, you are saying that you are a purple Unicorn with wings...”
“Alicorn.” Twilight corrected.
“...Alicorn with wings that is named ‘Twilight Sparkle’ that is destined to spread friendship all over the land of Equestria guided by a cutie map, and you know that your mission is complete when the pink star tattooed on your butt gives a pulsating light, and when all that is done you will return to your life as a princess that smiles and waves all day?”
“Yes!” Twilight exclaimed crazily while spreading her right wings in opposite directions clockwise.
“Woooooa.” Cartman awed dreamily while nodding his head. This was simply too good to be true. And Cartman had thought that My Little Milk Cow was lame. This was like the holy grail of lameness. There were simply no words. Cartman wanted to explode and roar out his disapproval about having any part in this. But since this thing had managed to go so far in terms of gayness Cartman couldn’t help but feel a tinge of privilege being the first one to behold its glory. He simply had to stay and see exactly how far this could go.
“Well. What are we waiting for?” Cartman asked.
“Waiting?” Twilight blurted.
“Go on, take me to your castle.” Cartman insisted, his sarcasm buried underneath his flat voice.
“Aren’t you going to tell me what you are first?”
“Cartman.”
“OK, and you are?” Twilight asked.
“I’m human.”
Twilight soared the winds over the vast land of Equestria. Her horn was glowing fiercely while she used her magic to carry Cartman through the sky. Twilight was happy.
“Isn’t this exiting!? It’s been so many moons since I had a student, but I'm sure you are as excited as I am.”
“I am flying over a fantasy land guided by a purple Unicorn.” Cartmans shirt wavered in the wind. He had his chubby arms raised, as if he was using them as wings. His blank stare of disbelief was riveted at the horizon.
“Hi Twili!” A rainbow blur exclaimed as it rocketed by. It stopped and hovered in front of them.
“Hello Rainbow Dash.” Twilight addressed the blue pony with wings but without a horn. “This is so exiting! I have just gotten myself a friendship student!” Twilight exclaimed like she just had kidnapped Cartmans fat ass. Rainbow Dash face bent in bewilderment.
“Eh...? What is it?”
“It’s a Cartman Rainbow Dash... A CARTMAN! His name is Human and I am going to teach him everything I know.” Twilight said proudly. Cartmans big eyes festered on the pony with wings whose mane had the colors of the rainbow. Her name went on repeat inside his head.
Rainbow Dash...Rainbow Dash.
Cartmans face remained in subdued disbelief, but his mind rocked in horror.
Oh no. The homosexuals. THEY FOUND ME!
“Do you mind escorting us to Ponyville Rainbow Dash?” Twilight asked.
“Sure Twilight!” Rainbow Dash saluted.
Ponyville. The name gave Cartman vomit reflexes. They almost made their way up his throat when the actual place came into view.
The sky was filled with ponies that had wings. Below him were some kind of school house with small ponies playing about. A huge castle could be seen glittering about in the distance like some gay version of a Disney movie, gayer than they already were. Some kind of party was going on by what looked like the town hall. Cartman could hear cheering along with a ditty electric tune. Colorful party balloons flew up and joined the Cartman balloon. Cartman felt himself sail downward as Twilight and Rainbow Dash landed. A highly pitched voice greeted the ponies.
“Hi Twilight and Rainbow Dash, what are you up to?” A pink pony asked as she approached them. She had neither wings nor a horn. Either that made her lamer or not Cartman wasn’t sure.
“Pinkie Pie. Look, I have a new student!” Twilight exclaimed, her smile stuck between sane and crazy. Pinkie Pie looked at Cartman and gasped.
“Wooooooooooooooooa!” Her happy blue eyes sparkled while confetti soared down behind her.
“Pinkie Pie, I want you to meet Human. He is a Cartman that sprouted from the tree of harmony and now the cutie map has given me the task of teaching him about friendship!” Twilight informed happily. Pinkie Pie started jumping up and down on all four hooves. Her party smile was almost as big as Cartmans ass.
“A Cartman?” A bright yellow pony asked as she approached the group. This pony had wings like Rainbow Dash. She had a soft and gentle voice. “That’s not an animal that I have heard of.”
“Nor is it anything that I have read about Fluttershy.” Twilight addressed the yellow pony with wings.
“He almost looks like a big overgrown apple.” A yellow wing and hornless pony remarked as she approached. Cartman almost gasped when he heard her speak. Her accent almost sounded like she came from South Park, or at least the outskirts.
“Manners, Apple Jack.” A white Unicorn without wings scolded the South Park accented pony. She curved her backside in a womanly manner as she walked up to her. “He just needs a makeover, that's all. A sweet costume might be in order?” The white Unicorn looked at Cartman with dreamy eyes. Twilight now turned to him.
“Human. I want you to meet Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Apple Jack, Rarity and Rainbow Dash. These are my friends!”
Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Apple Jack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash. Cartman let these amazing names sink in. Yes indeed. Cartman thought that the lame train would derail and take it’s coarse to uncharted territory. And derailed it had. In fact, it had not only derailed, but derailed over a cliff, grown wings and soared over the mountains while blowing its whistle like a mechanized bird having a raging orgasm. Would it soon reach out into the heavens and discover aliens before the human race did? Cartmans blank stare of disbelief floated as his mind pondered.
“Where on Earth could he be?” Kyle asked as he looked around the town of South Park with Kyle and Kenny. To the right they had Kentucky Fried Chicken, the fastest cure against a healthy lifestyle. Behind the shops the tall mountains rose with their snowy tops.
“Hrumph, hurumph!” Kenny said. Stan raised his arms incredulously.
“Who cares where he is? He's probably alone somewhere studying. Forget about him.”
Kyle turned to his friend, his face twisting in anger.
“How can you say that Stan? I know he is an asshole, but he has been our best friend asshole since kindergarten. We can’t just turn our back on him!”
“Well I CAN!” Stan roared and walked toward the mall. Kyle watched his oldest friend walk away, his eyes lowering in an upset manner.
“What’s gotten into you Stan? I know Cartman is an asshole, but he hasn’t done anything to you, has he?”
Stan stopped. He looked down at the ground as he wailed.
“...No! I mean...” Stan paused. He sighed continued in a soft voice. “...I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know?”
“I don't know Kyle.” Stan turned to his friend with the green hat. “I don’t know him anymore. He doesn’t talk to me like he used to. He doesn’t fool around like he used to.” Stan sighed again and closed his eyes, like if he was trying to reach for a distant memory. “He’s not an asshole like he used to.”
Stan turned around and kept walking. He stopped again as Kyle proposed.
“Well, then let’s go and talk to him again. Maybe we will like the new Cartman.”
Stan had his face turned as he answered
“I don’t want to like him Kyle. I want to know him.”