//------------------------------// // Another Hearth's Warming Tail // Story: My Little Pony: Friendship is Absurd // by Lord Seth //------------------------------// “Hello, Sunset!” declared Trixie. “I have just the cure for your apathy towards Hearth’s Warming Eve!” Sunset stared at Trixie for a few moments, then said, “Come again?” “I said, I have just the cure for your apathy towards Hearth’s Warming Eve! I noticed how uninterested you were in the whole thing.” “Hearth’s Warming Eve was three weeks ago,” said Sunset. “This seems a little late.” “Well, it took me a while to get it together!” said Trixie as she pulled out several pieces of paper. “Are you ready for this? I wrote a story to help you get into the spirit!” “That sounds incredibly insipid,” said Sunset. “I’ll pass.” “Well, if that’s what you want,” said Trixie in a forlorn tone as an incredibly dejected look appeared on her face. She started to walk out, looking sadly at the ground. “Oh… fine,” muttered Sunset. “I’ll read the stupid thing.” Trixie suddenly brightened up considerably and ran back to Sunset. I knew those ‘looking sad’ classes would eventually pay off! Trixie thought to herself. “All right, here you go!” Trixie gave the papers to Sunset, who started reading. Once upon a time, ‘once’ decided that it was tired of being on top of ‘time’—this isn’t supposed to be any kind of innuendo, this is in reference to the fact that the floor that ‘once’ lived on was higher than the floor that ‘time’ lived on—and wanted to change apartments for a while. After lengthy negotiations, this actually happened. Therefore, time upon a once, there was a unicorn named Snowfall Frost, who looked almost exactly like Starlight Glimmer except she wore glasses and wore a goofy-looking coat because apparently that’s what stuck-up ponies do. “Why does she look almost exactly like Starlight?” asked Sunset. “I didn’t want to come up with new character designs, so I just copied some that were already existing,” said Trixie. “The glasses and coat are to differentiate her a little.” “This is going to be painful…” muttered Sunset to herself. “Keep reading! Keep reading!” Trixie urged Sunset on. Snowfall Frost was an extremely powerful unicorn who studied magic almost as much as Starswirl the Bearded. Almost as much, because if she had, then she would have actually been better known. In that case, you could namedrop Snowfall Frost and everypony would know who you were referring to, and this introduction would be unnecessary. Snowfall wanted to be perfect, and anything that got in the way of that would be a waste of time. “Wait,” said Sunset, “what’s this next bit that’s crossed out? It looks like the narrator was ruminating on the meaning of the phrase ‘dead as a doornail’?” “In retrospect, I’m not sure where I was going with that,” said Trixie. “So I crossed it out.” “This is really going to be painful…” muttered Sunset to herself. “Well, maybe if you didn’t stop reading after every paragraph to make a snarky remark, it would work better!” At the moment, Snowfall was working on a brew in a cauldron. The specific nature of the brew has been lost to the sands of time, but probably had something to do with cantaloupes. In any case, she found her concentration interrupted by the noise of Hearth’s Warming Eve celebrations happening outside. As a result, she inadvertently dropped the ingredient she was using, creating a mess on the floor. “Well, that batch is ruined,” she grumbled. “Snowdust! Come in here and–” Snowdust was Snowfall’s assistant, a green pegasus who looked a whole lot like Lightning Dust. She flew into the room, smashing a hole in the wall while doing so. “What do you need, chief?” she asked cheerfully. Snowfall looked at the hole in the wall. “A new assistant. You’re fired.” “Aw, come on,” said Snowdust. “Think about all the good times we’ve had!” “Good times? You were hired earlier today!” “Exactly! And all those things that happened in the intervening hours were great, right?” Snowfall stared blankly at Snowdust. “No,” she said bluntly. “Well, I guess it’s back to the old grind again,” said Snowdust before she flew out, breaking a wall in the process. Much to Snowfall’s frustration, this had the effect of making the noise from outside even louder due to there being less of a wall to block said noise. “Just more evidence of how bad Hearth’s Warming Eve is. How I hate it!” declared Snowfall. Snowdust zipped back in, blowing another hole in the wall. “Wait. What does me being an incompetent assistant and ruining your walls have to do with Hearth’s Warming Eve?” Frustrated, Snowfall used the really powerful magic that she was previously established to have to blast Snowdust so far away, she ended up in another story altogether. That, however, is another story. Snowfall then realized to her frustration that not only had she blasted yet another hole in the wall, she had used up so much magic with the blast that she didn’t have enough left to fix the walls properly and would have to wait until the next day for her magical power to fully recover. “That does it!” she said. “Everypony would be better off if we skipped this stupid holiday! Especially me! I’ll use my magic to erase it from existence!” “Wait,” said Sunset, “how in the world does that even work? I’m not sure how a spell–” Trixie pointed at the paper, gesturing to keep reading. With a sigh, Sunset continued. Sunset Shimmer suddenly walked in. “Wait, how in the world does that even work? I’m not sure how a spell can actually erase a holiday.” “Wait, who are you?” asked Snowfall. “I’m just here because Trixie thought that I’d probably make an objection like that and wanted to see if she was right,” explained Sunset. Sunset stared at Trixie. “I’m good, aren’t I?” asked Trixie proudly. ”What are you talking about?” asked Snowfall. “I don’t understand.” “Not my problem!” declared Sunset as she walked out. “And that’s another example of how bad Hearth’s Warming Eve is!” said Snowfall. And so she got to work on her spell after making some rudimentary repairs to the walls. But just before she was about to begin the start of the preliminary stages of part one of the introduction of the beginning of the first step of attempting to cast it, she was interrupted by an interruption from the hearth. “Hi!” declared a transparent Discord as he walked into the room from the hearth. “I’m here to give an important message!” “Wait, who are you?” asked Snowfall. “I’m Discord!” said Discord. “No different names involved here like with you or that Snowdust character; it’s me, bona fide Discord! Though I’m only here in spirit because I’m turned to stone… I think? When is this supposed to take place?” Snowfall stared in confusion. “Well, anyway!” said Discord. “You will be visited by three spirits in order to teach you all about Hearth’s Warming Eve!” “Wait a minute,” said Sunset, “this is the same story you showed to Suri a while ago.” “Actually,” said Trixie, “both are based on an already existing story. I just adapted them a bit differently. This one is actually closer to the original than the other.” ”Oh, wait, now I remember you,” said Snowfall. “You’re that spirit of chaos or whatever. Why are you doing this?” “That’s a very good question!” said Discord. “It does feel awfully out of character. But trust me, there is a very good explanation for it. I just don’t feel like telling you. Anyway, ciao!” Discord snapped his fingers and nothing happened. “Oh, right. I’m here in spirit. I have to actually walk.” Discord walked out, leaving a confused Snowfall alone. Before Snowfall had an opportunity to properly process what happened, ghostly figures that looked remarkably like Flim and Flam suddenly appeared, followed by some music suddenly starting up. “What is going–” started Snowfall before being interrupted by the two bursting into song: “Well, you’ve got opportunity, but don’t act with impunity! He’s Flem! He’s Flum! We’re the world famous Flem Flum Brothers! Hearth’s Warming Eve spirits nonpareil!” At that, the music abruptly ended. “We had a much longer musical number ready,” said Flem, “but it had to be drastically shortened so Discord could show up. Sorry.” Snowfall was about to ask for more information about that, but then she reconsidered and decided to ask about more pressing matters. “Who are you two?” “Do you want us to sing the song again?” asked Flum. “We explained that pretty well. But if you insist… ahem. Well, you’ve got opportunity, but–” “No, I understood your names,” said Snowfall grouchily. “What I don’t understand is why you’re here.” “We’re here to explain to you about the past!” said Flem. “Specifically, your past. But first, a word from our sponsor!” “Huh?” asked Snowfall. “Do you find your toothbrushes boring?” asked Flum, ignoring her question. “So do many! In fact, studies show that this causes many ponies to be uninterested in brushing, leading to cavities! But don’t worry! With a subscription to BrushFun™, you’ll get a new, exciting toothbrush every month!” He pulled out a poster with pictures of various exciting-looking toothbrushes. “Here are just a few samples! Best of all, the first one comes with a money back guarantee; if you want to cancel after the first, your money will be fully refunded. Is that not enough? Well, if you use the code FLEMFLUM when ordering, you’ll receive a 10% discount off your first order! So keep your toothbrushes fun and your teeth white!” Snowfall, who had found herself eerily unable to move during the speech, suddenly felt herself free up. “What was that about?” “Oh, well, time travel can be expensive,” said Flem. “We have to cover our costs. Let’s go!” There was a pause. “Flum? That’s your cue to start up the time portal,” said Flem. “Wait, I thought you brought it,” said Flum. “Oh, darn it, did we not bring it at all?” said Flem. “Well, I guess we’ll just have to verbally say it all instead of showing it.” “Can you just get it over with?” asked Snowfall. “I was in the middle of something when you interrupted me.” “So, according to our reading on your backstory,” said Flum, “you used to not dislike Hearth’s Warming Eve. But then a professor told you that you should put all your effort into studying magic and not anything else. This made you who you are today.” There was a pause. “Come to think of it, I’m not sure we had to actually do any time travel to reveal that,” said Flem. “It seemed rather simple. Well, it saved us money on time travel fuel. See you!” Flem and Flum suddenly disappeared, leaving Snowfall standing in confusion. “Maybe the eggnog is making me hallucinate,” she muttered to herself, but then realized she hadn’t drunk any eggnog. Before she could think of what other food or drink she had ingested that could have such an effect, there was a large puff of smoke that suddenly appeared. After it dissipated (and Snowfall stopped coughing from the smoke), she found somepony else that had an extremely strong resemblance to Suri. “And who are you?” asked Snowfall. “Well,” said the Suri-look-alike, “I am the spirit of Hearth’s Warming Eve Present! Not to be confused with the spirit of Hearth’s Warming Eve Presents, which is a completely different spirit. This role was originally going to go to a Trixie-look-alike, but that seemed to come too close to an author self insert, so I was put in this role instead.” Are all of these ‘spirits’ insane? thought Snowfall to herself. “But, if you want a name, you can call me Zuri!” continued the Suri-look-alike. “Now we’re going to look around at what’s going on in the present. We were originally going to do a music number, but sort of blew the production budget on the Discord cameo—he’s rather pricey to hire out—so we’re just going to skip past that.” Don’t question it, thought Snowfall to herself. Just don’t question it. “Now,” continued Zuri, “let’s head out into the town!” “What if I don’t want to?” asked Snowfall. “Well,” said Zuri, “then I can give you a sales pitch! I’ve got a sweater on sale for a great price, and–” “I’m going! I’m going!” said Snowfall. “So, is the story supposed to make me like this Snowfall character?” asked Sunset. “Because I am feeling a lot of empathy for her right now.” “Well,” said Trixie, “the answer to that depends on your perspective. There is some disagreement among literary theories as to how much you should factor in authorial intent when–” “You know what?” said Sunset. “Never mind.” And so the two went out into the town, which was largely uneventful thanks to the absence of any musical number. But they soon came to a party where various ponies (who looked awfully like some ponies you sort of knew) made a number of cameo background appearances. However, the focus in this scene is instead on the look-alikes you actually are more familiar with. “Hi, Glida!” declared Snowdust. “You’ll never guess what I’ve been doing!” “Your boss got angry about you breaking walls and blasted you really far away, and you only just got back now?” asked the aforementioned Glida, a griffon who looked extremely like Gilda. “Darn it, that’s a good guess,” muttered Snowdust. “You know, Snowfall might be a bit of a jerk, but I can’t really blame her for firing you,” said Glida. “Well, that’s another firing for me,” said Snowdust. “How do you keep your job?” “I don’t smash into walls constantly,” said Glida. “So if I’m in a hurry to get somewhere, and there’s a wall blocking my way, what am I supposed to do?” asked Snowdust. “Go around it?” Glida stared at Snowdust for a moment. “Yes!” she said incredulously. “I don’t understand,” said Snowdust in a confused tone. “Argh!” said Glida as she left. “You see?” said Zuri. “This is what you firing Snowdust led to.” “But this just shows that Snowdust was an idiot that deserved firing,” said Snowfall. “That’s entirely besides the point,” said Zuri huffily. “Besides, as you saw, that griffon thought you were being a jerk. That shows you need to change!” “That doesn’t seem like quite enough–” started Snowfall before being interrupted. “Well, it would’ve made perfect sense if I had a chance to do a song,” said Zuri. “I think we probably spent the budget incorrectly. Well, time for the next spirit.” She vanished in a puff of smoke, which prompted another coughing fit from Snowfall. Eventually, the smoke dissipated, revealing an alicorn with a very strong resemblance to Luna. “Greetings,” she said. “I assume you’re the Spirit of Hearth’s Warming Eve Future?” asked Snowfall. “No,” said the aforementioned spirit, “I am the Spirit of Hearth’s Warming Eve Yet to Come. Also, just to be clear, I am not Chrysalis.” “I never said you were?” said Snowfall uncertainly. “Good. I wanted to make that clear. I am not Chrysalis.” “Uh, fine, Not-Chrysalis, whatever you say,” said Snowfall. “So, are you going to show me future Hearth’s Warming Eves?” She paused. “Oh, wait, there wouldn’t be any, because I’d succeed in my spell, right? That seems to make you superfluous.” “If you succeed with your spell,” said Not-Chrysalis, “that would make the windigos return and lay waste to Equestria. Observe!” Their surroundings shifted to show a barren, snowy wasteland. “Wait,” said Snowfall, “you mean they weren’t a legend made up in order to try to keep the populace in line?” “No, they are quite real,” said Not-Chrysalis. “Thus, your spell, if successful, would make them a problem again.” “Then why not just tell me that to begin with and not bother with the previous spirits?” demanded Snowfall. “It seems like just letting me know this information would be sufficient to stop me from doing it.” “Well, spirits have trouble finding employment,” said Not-Chrysalis. “There’s just not that big of a market for them. This was a way to put them to work.” Snowfall sighed and rubbed her head. “But this doesn’t even make sense! Weren’t the windigos all driven off because the ponies all got along or something? The removal of a holiday doesn’t seem like it would make that much of a difference. In fact, they were driven off not by the holiday, but just by there being generally good cheer. Getting rid of the specific holiday shouldn’t suddenly bring them all back.” “Look, I don’t make the rules!” said Not-Chrysalis. “I mean, how much sense does it make that a spell could remove a holiday to begin with?” “That’s what I said!” declared Sunset, who wandered back into the story for this one line, then wandered back out just as quickly. There was a pause. “So that’s it?” said Snowfall. “The big lesson is just to put on a happy face and pretend to like the holiday?” “You got it!” said Not-Chrysalis. “I’m glad I didn’t have to spell it out for you. By the way, just to be perfectly clear, I’m not Chrysalis.” “Why do you keep saying that?” asked Snowfall. “Because it’s true?” said Not-Chrysalis. “Well, as my job is done, I suppose I can leave.” Not-Chrysalis vanished in a puff of smoke. And thus did Snowfall learn the value of Hearth’s Warming Eve. Sunset stared at the last piece of paper. “That’s it?” “I’ll admit,” said Trixie, “I did get a bit of writer’s block towards the end. Still, I think the message permeated through.” “That even if I don’t like the holiday, I should just pretend to like it?” “Right!” said Trixie. “That doesn’t seem unreasonable, does it?” “I… guess?” said Sunset. “It just seems an odd moral.” “Well, if I made it so Snowfall learned a big lesson about the importance of Hearth’s Warming Eve and fell in love with it, would you have taken it to heart?” “Probably not,” admitted Sunset. “Then it did its job!” declared Trixie. “I did have one question about it,” said Sunset. “I mean, outside of all the questions regarding its general insanity, which I think I just have to accept. It said that Snowdust got blasted into another story. Where’d she end up?” “Well,” said Trixie, “I was–” “Incoming!” came a voice as a familiar-looking green pegasus crashed into the floor through the roof. “Argh!” said Sunset. “Lightning Dust, I thought you were done crashing through roofs!” “Huh?” said the pegasus. “I think you have me mixed up with somepony else. My name’s Snowdust. Anyway, this wasn’t my fault. My employer blasted me really hard, so I ended up crashing into this.” Sunset and Trixie stared at Snowdust in disbelief. “Anyway!” said Snowdust. “I’m out of here. I have a Hearth’s Warming Eve party to get to.” She flew off, creating another hole in the roof. Sunset and Trixie stared off at her in silence and confusion, then stared at each other in the same way, then returned to staring off in the direction Snowdust had left. Finally, Sunset spoke. “I… guess that answers my question?” she said hesitantly. “But it raises so many more,” said Trixie in a worried tone. Snowfall looked around after she finished her usual coughing fit caused by the smoke marking the disappearance of the spirit. “Um, spirit?” she called out. “I’m still in this snowy wasteland. Do you think you could help me get back?” “Spirit?” “SPIRIT?!”