Dear Twilight Velvet,
Look, I get it. You’re living out your energetic grandparent golden years in flamboyant style. Of course, this means you’re willing to take daring risks, throw caution to the wind, trot the path less taken, and even sign you and your family up for a free* cruise across the skies of Equestria at no cost!
I mean, why wouldn’t this sound like a great idea? Sure, it’s spontaneous enough to spring it on two princesses that have their hooves full with a baby, paperwork, and paperwork for crybabies, and maybe it’s a bit jilting it wasn’t offered to the other mother-like figure in Twilight’s life and actual mother-like figure in Cadance’s life. But nah, I’m not upset at all by this turn of events. I’m sure you had everypony’s best interests in mind when you signed on the dotted line.**
Anyway, the next time you’re thinking of a family vacation, it wouldn’t hurt to extend it to extended family too. It’s not like money is a problem here—you’re literally surrounded by royalty up and down the family tree.
Yes, I’m jealous you got to go barreling down a waterfall. Quit giggling, I know you are.
Ahem. Now that your vacation is over, I was thinking about planning one next month. Somewhere with sand and surf and edible turf. I’ve already sent out other invitations to Twilight and Cadance to see if they can make the time.
And best of all, it’s free.*** I have a feeling you’ve already got time on your hooves to kill as is.
Waiting For Your Reply,
Princess Celestia
*: Seriously? There were so many baffling strings attached in this contract I’m surprised you didn’t bother reading this. It had a clause in here that actually allowed other ponies to feed your grandbaby.
**: Or at least the kind of family devotion that blinds you into saying “yes” a little too much for my liking. For lands’ sake Velvet, show some restraint. You don’t want to be a yes mare.
***: No really, I do mean it’s free. You’re buying your own liquor though. I am not hoofing the bill for that, not after the time you drank an entire bar’s worth of liquor at once. Never, never again.
~~~
Dear Iron Will,
What in Equestria happened to you?
Last I checked you were making motivational speeches all over the place to ponies that needed some spine put into their backs, and it was a good thing. Granted, I never approved of the equally assertive form of payment collection for your services, but what you were doing was a great service to Equestria at the time.
But now, this… airship business you’re running because of a drop in interest in assertiveness? A-Are you huffing your own zeppelin’s gas?
For a guy that used to be the pinnacle of assertiveness, you’ve gone soft. When the mere threat of loud, unsatisfied customers that signed an agreement stating there might not be princesses on board when they actually did get their fill of princesses like a bunch of mindless hypocrites leaves you squirming like a frightened kitten, I have to wonder who has the guts to stick to their terms. Is it the crowd of ponies that duped themselves into frustration, or is it the minotaur that puts up a strong gun show only to pop and deflate under pressure?
Where’s the assertiveness gone? The machismo, the Iron Will to weather the unspeakable horror that is an irate consumer has all but completely vanished! Did you leave your balls behind on the airship, or did one take your pair as collateral as you jumped over the railing? Seriously, how mutinous did the situation turn to force you to bail off of your own airship??
Oh, but thank your lucky stars you invested some of your hard-earned bits into a parachute of you being waist-deep in bits! Meanwhile in reality, it’s a disturbing image of how far you’ve fallen, both figuratively and literally as you’re continuing a pitiful descent into the lowly con-artists that once were Flim and Flam. Iron Will, is this really what remains of the ten-pack minotaur that could motivate a crowd with a pinch of charisma and raw testosterone?
Seriously, do you know how many ponies today would lose their minds if an airship botched a landing? You really believe that there’s a shortage of a need for assertiveness, for standing tall in the face of danger, in my little ponies. Who are you meeting, and where can I find them?
Actually, no. I don’t want to go looking for those ponies. I want you to keep making more. That way I’ll eventually see at least one in the next year, and know the world will be a better place for it.
Or you can continue your path and eventually I’ll see you running a nut cart because those are the only nuts you’ll have. I’d rather it not come to that, but if it does, I’m fond of tasty nuts anyway.
Hoping Your Future Turns for the Better,
Princess Celestia
Sunny! You seem… somehow more chipper than usual. Did something happen?
...A big blue man wanted your autograph on a... thousand posters? Wow, that’s pretty shocking! I didn’t think anypony wanted an autograph by me! Er, you, who is kind of me? You-me? You know what I mean.
Wait a minute. Did this man have horns? How many muscles was he packing?
ALL the muscles?! Buck me!