“You had one job.”
Carrot Top glowered at me, keeping her voice just low enough so we wouldn't be overheard in our little corner in the cargo hold of the Interlocutor. She prodded me in the chest with one hoof, but I stood my ground. Mostly. “All you had to do was distract Princess Twilight, and let the professionals do the rest.”
“Professionals.” I said, deadpan. “You're counting on the mailmare to watch your back.”
“A professional mailmare. Which is apparently more than I can say about you.” Her eyes went wide for a moment as a sudden, terrible realization hit her. “Wait. Where's the Princess right now?”
“She went to go get Spike-- I told her I'd stick around and keep an eye out for any more skullduggery. Which ... I suppose I've found, now that I think of it. But the important thing is it gave me a chance to warn you that the Princess is onto your plan.”
“Our plan.” Carrot Top noted. “You're in this as thick as the rest of us, Sentry. If the Princess leans on the Flimflams at all, they're going to put the blame on each and every one of us in order to save their own hides.”
“Point.” I said, realizing that's just what I would do. Well, almost-- I'd probably include Carrot Top in whatever alibi I was able to concoct. Having two ponies to set the story straight would make the excuses more believable, so long as we kept our stories corroborated.
“Which is why it's so important you keep Princess Twilight ... occupied.”
“Easier said than done.” I said. “I mean, have you even met her? Princess Twilight is a pathological do-gooder. I could bloody well propose to her and she'd still keep hounding the Flimflams until she found out what happened.”
“You'd better not propose.” Carrot Top said, perhaps a little too quickly. “You barely even know the Princess.”
“Exactly!” I threw my hooves up in the air. “I told you this was a terrible idea.”
“It wouldn't be a terrible plan if you did what you were supposed to.” Carrot Top snapped. “All you had to do was stand around and look handsome, and you couldn't get that right. I know how you chased skirts back in Canterlot-- how is Princess Twilight any different?”
“Because I'm not in love with her, that's why!” I shot back.
One of the wonderful, terrible things about the Equestrian language (and one of the hardest things to convey in the written word alone), is how the entire meaning of a sentence can be changed through simple verbal emphasis on one word as opposed to another. And at that moment, a simple, almost unconscious slip of the tongue was enough to render both Carrot Top and I utterly silent, struck dumb by the implications of that single syllable.
“Oh, Sentry.” Carrot Top's eyes began to water (no doubt due to the dust floating around the Interlocutor's hold). She smiled, anyway, and shook her head. “You idiot. We don't have time to--”
“Flash?” Princess Twilight's hooves clattered against the deck above. “Where'd you go?”
“Damn.” I muttered, looking upward for a moment, and then back down to Carrot Top--
--who had already vanished, ghost-quiet. I saw a fleeting glimpse of an orange tail disappearing behind a row of crates. I followed her a step-- but then thought the better of it.
After all, I only had one job.
“Down here!” I said, and flapped my wings enough so I could get to the hatch in the ceiling. After a bit of pushing and grunting, I got the hatch open and clambered out into the fresh night air above. I found myself looking up at Princess Twilight and her little dragon, who peered down at me curiously. “I was just ... searching for contraband.” I nodded, grimly. “Didn't find anything, though. Probably nothing there at all.”
“You had the right idea, Flash, but I bet the Flimflams have a secret compartment hidden somewhere. You'll never be able to find it if you don't know what you're looking for. Spike, you stay here and keep an eye on things, make sure nothing suspicious is going on.”
“Got it!” Spike snapped off a quick salute.
“Now, c'mon Flash-- we've got to get moving.”
“Get moving ... where, exactly?” I said, and clambered all the way out of the hold.
“You'll see!” Princess Twilight said-- and, again, the telltale glow of her horn was all the warning I had before she bent the laws of physics to her whim. I stumbled a few steps, rendered dizzy and nauseous from the teleport. Princess Twilight wordlessly provided a surprisingly sturdy shoulder to lean on, and smiled at me. I briefly wondered if she teleported us on purpose, just to have an excuse to sidle up to Yours Truly.*
*I most certainly did not. Teleportation was simply the most efficient means of travel in that situation, even considering Flash's brief disorientation. To use such potent (and frankly dangerous) magic for personal gratification would be the height of irresponsibility.
The blurs and whirls in my field of vision coalesced into a familiar but not entirely welcome sight: the cavernous entrance leading to Drake Diamondback's lair.
“I would've teleported us closer, but the inside's warded against it.” Princess Twilight said, academically apologetic. “I just hope the rest of the security is enough to keep the Flimflams occupied long enough for us to warn Drake Diamondback!”
“Warn him about ... what, exactly?” I said. “I mean, your heart's in the right place, Princess, but wouldn't it be more prudent to figure out just what the Flimflams are allegedly up to before slinging accusations about?”
“That's ... a good point.” Princess Twilight conceded. “Sorry, I've just been a little on edge recently, so I got a little, um ... enthusiastic.”
Which would have been something nice to know before Princess Twilight started treating the laws of physics more like suggestions, but I didn't tell her that.
“Quite alright.” I said.
“Now we--” Princess Twilight blinked, and looked at something over my shoulder. “Hide!”
I turned my head and saw the Flimflams walking up the winding path to Diamondback's lair.
They pulled a cart behind them, loaded up with a single oblong crate.
“We can't let the Flimflams know we're onto them-- not yet!” And with that, Princess Twilight ducked behind a handy boulder. I followed suit, but given the size of the boulder, it made for rather tight quarters. It was an odd sensation, let me tell you, with one side of my body wedged against the rough, volcanic rock, while Princess Twilight's damnably soft feathers tickled my ribs on the other.
Before long, Flim and Flam passed by our hiding place. Either they didn't notice us, or were polite enough not to mention it. As they walked by, the two's voices could
“I'm telling you, Flim, of all the jobs we've done over the years, this one's gotta take the cake.”
“Not just the cake, Flam, but the tablecloth and silverware, too!”
The two of them laughed cheerily, only to cut their celebration off once they neared the cavern.
“Right! Game face, brother of mine.” Flim (or possibly Flam) said. “Don't wanna let the cat out of the bag.”
“That goes without saying, brother of mine. We are professionals, after all.”
Verbal fencing forgotten, the Flimflams went uncharacteristically quiet as they entered the Spitespire.
“We've got them now.” Princess Twilight said, and neatly stepped on my head as she clumsily clambered over the rock we'd been hiding behind. “We can catch them red-hooved!”
“Wait!” I hissed, and lunged upwards, wrapping my front legs around the Princess' midsection to yank her back into hiding. “We can't just barge in there-- they'll ... they'll bolt if they know we've found them out, and then we'll never find out what they're up to.”
“But I don't have the spell components necessary for an invisibility charm--” Princess Twilight protested.
“Then we'll just have to do this the old fashioned way.” I flashed the sort of practiced grin that seemed to make ponies think I knew what I was doing, and set Princess Twilight back on her hooves. “Just follow my lead.”
As a born coward, I've had a lifetime's experience of sneaking and skulking, and the terrible luck that forced me to put it to use over and over again. Of course, I would've preferred to be creeping away from Drake Diamondback's lair than into it, but, again, terrible luck. That, and I knew there'd be no stopping Princess Twilight anyway, and abandoning her to her own devices would be even worse.
It's a good thing I knew how to keep my steps light and my mouth shut, because Princess Twilight certainly didn't. Of all the myriad adjectives that could be used to describe her (friendly, intellectual, enthusiastic, open-hearted, and so on), 'stealthy' was not one of them. Nor was 'subtle.'*
*There is absolutely nothing wrong with a direct and honest approach, I should note.
Princess Twilight must have stumbled over every loose rock and patch of loose gravel on the cavern floor. I winced every time, and braced myself for the inevitable burst of flame to end it all, but nothing came.
Our salvation, as I soon learned, was none other than the Flimflams. Their patter soon started echoing through the tunnels, drowning the click of hooves on loose rock. Ever careful, I chanced a peek around the doorway to Drake Diamondback's horde. The unicorn brothers stood in front of Diamondback, fearlessly smiling up at the enormous dragon.
“Now, let me present the goods!” Flim levitated a crowbar out from somewhere and pried the lid off the crate he'd been hauling around, revealing a humble, slightly battered cello case. A flicker of unicorn magic undid the latches, and there it was: Octavia's cello. The one she played for the dragons, that is. “Voila! The Secret Stallionvarious! And it could be yours, at the right price.”
“As your letter said.” Diamondback swung his neck over to peer at the instrument, though he was at least polite enough to keep his distance, so any errant bursts of flame from his nostrils wouldn't singe the cello's finish. “Your courier was ... insistent. But where did you get this?”
“I assure you, Mister Diamondback, that we came into possession of this instrument perfectly legally.” Flam said.
“Extra legally, you might even say!” said Flim, and the two of them shared a knowing laugh.
“And it's genuine?”
“You heard it yourself-- along with all the rest of Spitespire! Do you think any other instrument could sound nearly as sweet?”
“Indeed. But I already have a Stallionvarious.”
“Why have just a Stallionvarious--” Flim (or possibly Flam) said, as brazen and fearless as a used cart salescolt.
“When you can have the Stallionvarious?” Flam (or possibly flim) continued.
“The Secret Stallionvarious-- cello number sixty four!” Flim said.
“After all, you specialize in previously lost treasures, don't you?”
“And it doesn't get any more lost than this!”
“Of course, we know you don't have much use for two Stals, which is why we are graciously willing to accept the Phoenix Stal in trade.”
“Well, not an even trade, as the Secret Stal is worth considerably more than the Phoenix Stal, given its unique nature, but we're more than willing to negotiate on how you pay the difference. Gold ingots, gems, or whatever other hard currency you happen to have laying about.”
“It's good to see that at least some ponies have a proper sense of greed.” Diamondback smiled, showing off an armory's worth of sword-sized teeth. “Your ... friend, the Princess, had me thinking that your entire species was soft.”
Princess Twilight made an indignant squeak of protest, but I held a hoof to her lips before she could protest further. Even still, her eyes began to simmer with repressed anger.
“To be honest, 'friend' is a little strong of a word,” Flim said.
“More of an acquaintance, really,” said Flam.
“Though if we were really feeling uncharitable, the term 'mark' would come to mind.”
“Rube.”
“Gull.”
“Sucker.”
“It could be quite a long list, honestly.”
Diamondback laughed with the raspy sound of a rockslide, while Princess Twilight veritably quivered with righteous indignation. I braced my shoulders against Twilight's side and pushed her away from the edge of the doorway, imploring her to keep quiet with a pointed look.
“You've made your point. Here.” Gold clinked on gold as Diamondback shoveled a clawful (which, considering the size of his claws, was saying something) of bullion onto Flim and Flam's cart. Upon doing so, Diamondback delicately took the 'secret' cello out of its case, turning to set it on a pedestal-- at which point he tossed the Phoenix Stal aside, carelessly. Thankfully, Flim caught the cello in mid-air with his telekinesis, and eased it gently into the cello case.
“Ah, one more thing, Mister Diamondback!” Flam said, trotting forward.
“Hm?” Diamondback looked away from his newest acquisition, if reluctantly.
“Well, you see, back in Equestria, we've got to worry about another silly little concept that you don't have here. Kind of like Friendship, really.”
“And that is?”
“Provenance. You dragons have a very solid 'finders keepers' tradition here, but unfortunately, there are some ponies who tend to ask pointed questions whenever certain items show up.” Flam said.
Flim nodded, grave. “And there are some ponies who don't ask questions, only to turn around and offer a mere fraction of that item's fair market value.”
“It's shameful, is what it is.” Flam said.
“So! Just as a matter of convenience, my brother and I would appreciate it if we could get your signature on a little bit of documentation to prove that our little exchange was done legally.” Flim pulled an envelope from his vest, and with a flick of his hoof, unfolded a document that rivaled one of Princess Twilight's checklists in length.
“You have amused me, so I shall indulge you.” And with that, Drake Diamondback held one claw in front of his face and blew a short burst of flame onto it. This done, he used the very tip of his claw, now smoking-hot, to sear a stylized 'D' upon the dotted line. “Of course, if you try to cheat me, I will roast you alive until the flesh sloughs from your charred bones.”
Flim and Flam paled. I did too.
“You make a very, very valid point, Mister Diamondback.” The faintest of quavers shook Flim's voice, which only went to show his professionalism. Were I in his horseshoes, such a threat would no doubt turn me to a gibbering wreck. “Which is why I will remind you of the fact that my brother and I are indeed crooked-- but we're not stupid, either.”
“I certainly hope so.”
“Now, if you'll excuse us, we'd better get back to our airship before Princess Twilight starts asking inconvenient questions.”
Too late for that part, I mused.
“Yes, yes. Go. I am done with you.” Diamondback said, and shifted his enormous bulk.
Not ones to waste an opportunity, Flim and Flam made their exit far faster than they'd made their entrance. Princess Twilight and I flattened ourselves against the cavern wall-- the Flimflams didn't so much as spare us a second glance as they made off with their ill-gotten gains. I could only hope that the likes of Carrot Top and Spike (but, to be honest, mostly Carrot Top) would keep them from hijacking the Interlocutor and making their escape, because damn if that isn't what I would have done, given the kind of threats Drake Diamondback liked to bandy about.
In fact, I was already desperately trying to think of a way to slink out of Diamondback's lair with the Princess when the dragon spoke.
“You can come out now, Princess.”
And she did.
“You knew we were here all along?” Princess Twilight pushed her way past me and stepped around the corner. She planted her hooves and flared her wings in what would've been an intimidating posture if she wasn't so completely dwarfed by Diamondback's scaly bulk.
“I could smell you and your ... friend.” The dragon turned his terrible glare on me, and my body tensed up in fear. This had the unintentional side effect of making me stand up parade-straight-- hardly enough to impress Diamondback, but Princess Twilight seemed to appreciate it.
“That's the spirit, Flash.” Princess Twilight nodded, resolute. “He can't bully us!”
“I do not 'bully,' Princess. Such things are for children. I merely ... state facts. If someone crosses me, I kill them. Painfully. On the inverse, if someone pleases me, I reward them. The two brothers picked that part up fairly quickly. But please, come in. I wish to speak with you. Would you like something to drink?”
And with that, Drake Diamondback slithered to the far side of the chamber, and picked up a blackened, bathtub-sized goblet that had been resting behind a pile of gold bricks. He reached out with his free claw and carved a great rent in the side of his chamber-- a moment later, red-hot magma began to ooze out, like blood from a wound.
“Spitespire has a very active geology.” Diamondback said as he filled his goblet with molten rock, and sprinkled a clawful of assorted gems over it. “Terribly dangerous, but worth it.” The dragon took a long pull from his fuming cocktail, and paused. “Oh, that's right. You mammals would die horribly if you tried to drink lava like a proper dragon. Pity.”
I almost, almost mentioned the cask of Chateau de Cheval, but Princess Twilight spoke before I could.
“We get it, you're big and ... more than a little terrifying. Did you invite us in just so you could be rude?”
“Rude? As if you're one to talk. Unless eavesdropping is the latest new thing in Canterlot?”
Princess Twilight opened her mouth to protest further, but Diamondback went on.
“No matter. I wanted you to see them, Princess-- a reminder that you mammals aren't as ... pure as you think you are.”
“Ha!” Princess Twilight pointed an accusatory hoof, and launched into full-academic debate mode. “That's where you're wrong! Because Flim and Flam are outliers-- sure, they're greedy and opportunistic and not all that honest ... and now I'm wondering why I took them up on their offer to fly here but that's beside the point. The important thing is, if you've studied enough statistics and/or sociology like I have, you'd know that the actions of just two ponies aren't indicative of the whole culture! Most ponies are friendly and selfless and always ready to help. Like me! Or even Flash, here!”
Well, I thought, at least my cover was still safe.
“Perhaps. Though trying to convince me that two ponies aren't exemplars of your species with just a different set of two ponies presents a logical fallacy of it's own, don't you think? Especially when one of those ponies has wings and a horn. I understand it's a rather rare phenomenon. Which is why I wanted to speak with you.”
“It is?”
“When the Flimflams offered to sell me the Secret Stal, it made me ... reconsider things. Those two charlatans have got more draconian greed in them than some of the whelps being hatched these days. And perhaps there could be ... opportunity here.”
“What are you talking about?” Princess Twilight said, suspicious.
“You're young, Princess. You can barely count your years in decades, much less centuries. But your very existence upsets the balance of things in ways you can't even comprehend yet. If you could think less like a pony, and more like a dragon, just think what you could accomplish. Think of the power you could wield. All with a little ... guidance, of course.”
Princess Twilight stared up at Drake Diamondback, her mouth slightly open in shock as the great monster's words sank in.
And then she started laughing.
I started looking for a hiding spot.
“Oh!” Princess Twilight dabbed a tear from the corner of her eye. “I ... wow. I just wasn't expecting the old 'follow me and you can rule the world' line. You ... really don't know ponies very well, do you? Or, more importantly, you don't know me very well. I mean, I had to deal with Discord before I even had wings. And you, sir, are no Discord.”
“Very well.” Diamondback drained his lava-drink, and tossed the empty vessel to the side. As the cauldron tumbled to a halt entirely too close for my liking, I was able to make out various telltale ridges and sockets in what I had formerly thought was stone; the enormous goblet had been fashioned not from stone, but from the upturned skull of some long-dead reptile.
“I was afraid you'd reject me. No matter.” Quicker than any creature his size had any right to be, Drake Diamondback slithered around the edge of the chamber again, neatly blocking the exit. “If you won't be my ally, then you'll at least make a good bargaining chip. How much do you think Celestia will barter for your release?”
“What-- no!” Princess Twilight flapped her wings, and her horn began to glow bright enough to hurt my eyes. “If you think you can keep me hostage, you've got another thing coming. I don't want to fight you, but I will if I have to.”
“Will you, now?” Diamondback reared up above the two of us and smiled his terrible, fanged smile. “Are you sure that's a good idea? As we are inside an active volcano. If you start blasting away, things could get unpleasant for anyone who doesn't have scales.”
For most of Princess Twilight and Drake Diamondback's banter, I was left to gawp in silent terror-- that is, until Diamondback moved his head directly over us, briefly silhouetting himself in the faint sunlight coming in directly from the top of the crater. With a sudden, giddy twist in my guts, I knew what I had to do.
I launched hard enough to send coinage scattering in all directions. I had just enough room to build up speed before I slammed into Princess Twilight's side. She let out a dismayed gasp, and an errant beam of magic shot out from her horn to gouge a trench in the cavern wall. Lava started burbling out, and the whole chamber rumbled ominously.
I ignored the rumbling (along with Diamondback's infuriated roars) and beat my wings faster and harder than I'd ever done before, steadily climbing my way upwards, towards the circular crater at the top of the volcano. Diamondback either didn't know how fast a properly motivated pegasus could fly, or he dismissed the crater as an escape route due to his own size. As for Princess Twilight, I knew I was a stronger flyer than she was-- if I took the time to get her airborne and fleeing under her own volition, Diamondback would have roasted us both.
Dry air hissed through my mane and feathers as I carried Princess Twilight up and onward. The day-lit crater grew larger and larger-- easily room enough for two ponies to fly through. I laughed, the giddy laugh of a colt who was going to live to see another day--
--which is when Drake Diamondback hit me.
The dragon's tail sailed through the air fast enough to make the air crack in its wake. He only grazed me, so the blow only broke a few bones instead of smearing me against the wall. Princess Twilight tumbled out of my front legs-- and over the edge of the crater. We locked eyes for a single, terrible moment-- and Twilight let out a pleading “Flash!” As if yelling my name would do any good. But then she was out of sight, and I was plummeting downward.
I had just enough strength left in my wings to manage a shaky glide-- enough to keep me out of Diamondback's jaws. I crashed into one of Diamondback's displays, swearing and crying the whole time. A princess' ransom in ancient artifacts clattered all around my hooves as I forced myself back to my hooves. I moved mostly by reflex-- left wing hung at an unhealthy angle, making flight impossible.
Drake Diamondback loomed over me again-- poised to strike like a cobra. “You've wasted enough of my time, mammal.” He sneered-- and then he opened his jaws, spitting a hellish conflagration down on me.
I faced my inevitable death the way I always did: which is to say I whimpered like a little filly and tried to hide. And again, it was that act of craven, desperate cowardice that saved my life. I yanked something solid and metal from Diamondback's pile of treasures, curling up behind it in a tight little ball. Flame coursed all around me, hot enough to singe the tips of my feathers ... but that was it.
The fire eventually stopped, at which point I peered warily out from behind my impromptu barricade. Drake Diamondback was still there, looking down at me with an expression equal parts puzzlement and rage.
“Netius?!” He snarled. I chanced a peek at the bit of antiquity that had saved me-- somehow, the pitted and dented old shield was enough to protect me from Diamondback's fire breath, however temporarily. He didn't sound too surprised about it, at least. “I should have known! That trinket might have saved you, but I shall take things into my own claws--”
Another rumble shook the Spitespire, sending rock dust wafting down all around us. The quake was loud and forceful enough to give even the massive dragon pause. He turned (and I looked over his shoulder) to where Princess Twilight's magic blast had carved a line in the volcano wall. More lava spewed from the crack, coming in alarmingly erratic bursts, punctuated by bursts of hyper-heated steam. It was clear enough that even a dolt like me could see what was about to happen.
Spitespire was going to erupt.