//------------------------------// // Wouldn't be the first time I woke up outside... (Church) // Story: Stuck in a Rainbow // by theRedBrony //------------------------------// Let's get something perfectly straight. I am not a brony. But a guy can only spend so much time on the internet without being exposed to some of this crap. The troll pictures and the bronies trying to get me to join their 'herd,' they make me rage! But, unfortunately, even some of my friends have fallen victim to this pony obsession, so I've kind of come to terms with its existence. So one day, I'm just hanging out in TeamSpeak, as usual, just talking with my buddies, when one guy puts a tumblr link in the text chat. What else is new, right? I'm always getting stupid links from stupid people. The guy who sent it to me is a complete moron. You can't listen to him talk without losing a few IQ points. But at least this link was a little entertaining. It's a little 'game' called 'Birthday Scenario Game – Pony Edition.' At that point, I was completely unfazed by pony shit. Half the people I know on the net are bronies. Anyway this image had a bunch of ponies, one for each day of the month, and then it had a scenario for each month. So you match up the scenario and the pony for your birth month and day, respectively. In my case, it was 'Switch lives with' for June and Rainbow Dash for the 20th. So naturally, I was like 'I get to switch lives with Rainbow Dyke, oh joy.' Could've been worse, I could have been stuck baking cupcakes with Pinkamena. Oh yes. That's right, I know about Cupcakes. Don't ask me how. I know what you're thinking right now, if you hate ponies so much, what the hell happened? Well, I was at a point where I hated my boring, humdrum life that seemed to be going nowhere fast. So when my birthday came around, only a few days after I got that link, I made use of my birthday wish. There I was, staring into the flames of six candles on a delicious-looking chocolate cake. Why six, I had no idea. I was 19. I closed my eyes and, I figured, what the hell, I'll make a stupid wish. I never really believed it would come true. I mean let's face it, how many wishes have you made that didn't? About all of them maybe? But for some reason, we all do it anyway. I was no exception. I knew… not just believed or thought, I KNEW that nothing would happen. You were thinking I wished about ponies? Ha. No. I wished that I could live in a fantasy world. Maybe fight the forces of evil alongside other brave warriors… you know, that old chestnut. I inhaled. I leaned forward and blew out all the candles in one breath, but right before I finished… that damn pony game popped into my head, for just a split second. I inhaled again to replace the lost breath, for a second I hesitated, my heart was beating rapidly in my chest, I wondered if my wish might have somehow magically come true. Something felt special this time. And then I opened my eyes. Instantly my eyes were bedazzled by the sight of a beautiful… chocolate cake, and I heard my immediate family clapping half-heartedly. Nothing happened, and I wasn't the least bit surprised. I KNEW nothing would happen, that's exactly why I made that stupid wish. Later that night, I went to bed. Another un-spectacular birthday over, another year closer to the end of this lousy existence. My mind was plagued with all the things I'd have to do at work the next day. Eventually, sleep took me. 'If I'm lucky,' I thought on the way to dreamland, 'maybe I'll have a good dream.' Sun's shining in through my eyelids. I roll over. Sun's still in my eyes. It's windy and kinda cold. My blanket is gone. Wait… windy? Blanket missing and bright sun in my eyes? "GOD DAMMIT STAN! Did you get drunk and drag me outside-" I open my eyes open and sit up. This isn't my porch. "…again?" This isn't even my neighborhood. And my brother Stan moved out of the house two years ago. This is so weird. It's like I'm up in an airplane, but not moving. A couple clouds here and there, mountains in the distance, green and trees below. Far below. This is like some crazy dream. That's it! I'm dreaming! Of course! Hey look! I have horse hooves for hands! Oh. Of course. Fucking would be a pony-related dream. Not that I have those, or anything. I've just been hanging around bronies way too damn long. I look down at myself. Let's see… light blue fur, rainbow tail, hooves. Oh my gawd… Rainbow Dyke? Seriously? How cliché. Wait. She has wings, right? I always wanted to fly in a dream! I roll over on my bed… er… cloud?? I'm on a cloud, really? Well I guess that makes sense, I'm up high in the sky. I try to stand up on all four hooves. It feels so strange, but somehow not wrong. Seems legit. I move my feet around, getting a feel for standing on this cloud. Really sturdy for being made of water vapor. It's like a rock. A squishy rock. Which is weird, since it felt like nothing when I was laying on it. Friggin’ magical pony cloud. Ok, let's fly! I lean forward to take off, to let the wind take me, to soar among the clouds… POOF I fall forward on my face. Soft cloud at least. What a shitty dream. I'll just wait for the dream to move itself along. Can’t be long. Dreams always advance rapidly, right? 30 Minutes Later Why couldn't I dream of being an anthro fox, or something cool? Not that I'm a furry, or anything. But come on, I'm a goddamn pony. And not just any goddamn pony, the gayest goddamn pony. "Hi Rainbow Dash!" I hear a nasally voice call from behind me. I cringe at the name. I almost turn around, but since I'm obviously not a rainbow pony, I don't bother. I just grumble something with my mouth closed in response, in the deepest tone I can muster, trying to retain some semblance of my manliness in this condition. "You ok, Rainbow Dash?" I grumble again, but I forget to deepen my voice, and I yelp in response to hearing that raspy and (questionably) feminine voice. A gray pony lands on my little slice of heaven. Those eyes are a dead giveaway. Derpy. Why do I know this?! Why?! We just stare at each other awkwardly. At least I think she's staring back at me. Kinda hard to tell with this one. After a while she pipes up, "I was just on the way home from work, I thought I'd check on you." She looks sad. Well uhhhhh... "Well uhhhhh..." Still don't know if she's looking at me. "Thank you?" She doesn't look that smart, maybe I could pull one over on her… "Hey, can you help me get to the ground? I think I'm coming down with a cold or something." "Uh oh… It's not the feather flu is it?" She asks, reeling back a little and scrunching up her nose. I secretly wonder if I can make that adorable scrunchy face. "Uh, sure, whatever." I hate this voice. Derpy steps back even further and flies backwards off the cloud. She holds her arm(?) over her nose. "Hang on, I'll be right back!" I wait. After a few minutes I see a dark cloud moving towards me. Whatever? It floats right over my head and stops. Derpy appears from behind said cloud, then flies up on top of it where I can't see her. Suddenly the cloud starts shaking violently. I look up… SPLASH …only to be drenched by ice cold rain, making me jump up in surprise. Scumbag cloud. I'm freezing cold and soaking wet now. I try to shake off the water like a dog. It somewhat works. BANG I jump again as a bolt of lightning shoots (RIGHT NEXT TO ME OH MY GOD) from the cloud to the ground. I hate dreaming. Derpy flutters back down to my cloud. I give her the dirtiest look I can muster. "What the hell was that all about?" I ask. "I don't wanna catch the feather flu! The water will keep the dander down, I thought you knew that?" "…Right." "Ok! Let's get you down to good ol' terra firma!" She flies backwards a bit and then pushes down the cloud I'm on with her arms(?). I just sit on this cloud, still soaked, shivering, and generally looking miserable all the way to the ground. I had no idea how cold it was up there until I got wet. Hang on… I don't remember feeling this cold in a dream before… Just as the cloud touches the ground, it poofs into thin air, and I fall a couple feet onto my ass, on the grassy ground. "Ow." "There ya go! Hope you get better soon, Rainbow Dash! I'll seeya later!" Derpy waves and flies off. "Thanks for the 'help'…" I say sarcastically. She probably can't hear me by now anyway. Still sitting on my ass, I look around. It's a grassy field with some trees, looks like a forest behind me. Not much else. Hmm. Can’t sit here forever, that'd be a boring dream! I have a brilliant idea! I'll go into the woods, maybe I'll find someone there! I stand up and start heading into the woods… THUNK …and promptly fall flat on my face after taking the first step. Ah yes, I have four legs now, how easily I forget. I get up and press a hoof against my sore nose. I have to learn how to walk… in a dream? Sigh One hoof in front of the other, first with front legs, then with the back ones. I get the basic walking step down pretty fast, but I still have to pay full attention while working these things. I trot around in circles in this field. Oh gawd. I'm a feckin' horse. I pick up the pace and see if I can manage to run… er… gallop? I'm running so clumsily on these hooves. Miracle I haven't tripped yet. SMACK "And there it is!" Let's see if I can do a buck. Might need to defend myself against the cute fluffy woodland animals in this cute cuddly pony world. (I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.) I squat my hind legs and jump with them. I try to kick them back and… KER-THUNK "Ow…!" How'd I manage to fall on my face?! Whatever, fuck it. I'm going in there. BAY LIFE! I trot (…) gingerly into the woods. A damp, musty air permeates my nostrils. The woods are getting thicker and it's pretty dark. And now, it smells like shit. A big steaming pile of it. I hear birds singing, so that's good. I walk towards the direction I hear them. The tree cover is so dense here I can barely see my hoof in front of my face. (…) I come up to a small clearing with a little bit of sunlight shining through the leaves. Sure enough, there are a few colorful birds there, singing. Like actually singing, not with words, but not just chirping either. They scatter as I walk into the clearing. Aw… I just look around in disappointment. I hear a slight rustle of leaves in the darkness. I look to see a pair of demonic glowing yellow eyes in the shadows. And growling. "BAY LIFE!!!!!!!1" I run! I run and I run! I try desperately to keep my footing. (Hoofing? AGH! NO TIME TO THINK ABOUT STUPID PONY TERMINOLOGY!) KER-THUNK "OW!" I tripped over a tree root and scramble to get back on my feet. I catch a glimpse of the beast chasing me. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! It looks like a huge wolf with the oakflesh spell on it! What? I play a lot of Dungeons and Dragons. Sue me. Wait. I think I saw two of them. Shit! This is just a dream! This is just a dream! WAKE UP CHURCH! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!!! I'm almost out of the woods! I see the light! SMACK "OW!" Something stepped in front of me. I think I heard it yelp when I bumped into it. I don't care! Shaking my head, I get back up and keep running, down a grassy field on onto a dirt road!