“Seriously the fuck is Los Vegas doing here?” I frown, looking around and seeing practically everything Vegas would have, if a bit more equine-ish. I roamed around the place, knowing full well I can't pay for anything and certain as hell I wouldn't be c gambling my weapons here...and the hookers won't stop staring at me! “Oi vey…” I grumble, before hearing my stomach growl. “Oh god damn it.” I grumble, putting a hand on my stomach. “Where be a resturaunt?” I thought while looking around, wondering if anyone might randomly run into me as usual.
Nopony did. But while nopony actually cared I did hear someone shouting. “Come one come all to take on this daring food challenge!” An announcer stallion calls out. “Come one, come all to the Neigharan Ghost Pepper Challenge! Hottest Pepper in all of Equestria. Eat a plate of five and consider yourself the top of the food chain and earn free food for a month from the Canterlot Breeze!”
“How do I lose the challenge?” I calls out, walking up and ready to take the challenge.
“Yup if you can’t eat all the peppers you lose! If you stand up before the last pepper is swallowed you lose! And if you drink the milk we provide you lose! Are you up to the challenge!?” The announcer points a hoof at me.
“K. Where's the plate?” I ask with a grin. And I was brought the plate of peppers rather quickly and...to my surprise it practically looked exactly like the Mexican ghost chilly pepper. I took the plate and sat down. “Is there a time limit?” I ask, knowing that most food challenges have time limits.
“Ten minutes. And you didn’t think it would be that easy did you?” The announcer smirks before looking towards the crowd. “HAVE YOU HEARD FOLKS A NEW CHALLENGER!! FACING THE CHAMPION DUO FOR A FREE FOR ALL, ALL YOU CAN EAT CHALLENGE!!”
Two unicorns hop onto the stage each with a jaunty plomb and fun little swagger as they traipse onto the stage lifting their barber quartet looking hat around as they took a seat on either side of me.
“Well imagine this brother. Someone who thinks they can handle our specialty.” The one with a mustache jeers lightly in a joking manner.
“Indeed brother. Why he positively looks like one pepper would give him hot mouth for the rest of his life.” The clean shaven one continues still in his joking manner while a plate of seven peppers was given to either to match mine.
“For this challenge, No Time LIMIT! Last one standing WINS!!” The announcer shouts to the crowd as they all cheer in excitement.
Simon looked at the two. “One at a time guys?” Simon asks them simply, taking a pepper up and ready to just down it. “Meh.” I shrug before eating the pepper whole. Now I've actually had spicy foods sometimes, I've been in excruciating pain, but this...well it's not the worst thing somehow but it's pretty fucking up their! My mouth felt like it was on fire, and I know what it feels like to be on fire, my eyes were watering up, I think my ears were literally billowing smoke but I gulped it down and took a breath that burned. “Next.” I cough.
Both Flim and Flam ate two at once. After they swallowed they looked serenely calm and not at all bother to the heat. If you looked closely though Flim had his entire back letting off steam while Flam was sweating bullets at this point. Neither opened their mouth.
“Nice...poker face.” I cough, my mouth burning more before I ate two at once cause fuck my life, and while I closed my eyes and took deep breaths through my nose and relaxed it still hurt like a mother fucker.
“Seems… like he’s a player brother…” Flam coughed out letting a small fire cloud out.
“Right-o Brother. Seems like we need to show him…” Flim wheezed slightly. “What we are made of.”
In a swipe of their magic they finished off five peppers each swallowing them before letting their mouths open as a large flame cloud appeared from their mouths bellowing out into the sky. Neither brother stood as another plate of seven was placed in front of them and the crowd went wild for them.
I downed the rest of my peppers, trying to keep my concentration on not freaking the fuck out on how my entire face is burning. “My shits are gonna hurt later…” I mumble in pain as my next plate came up.
For the next ten minutes three contestants fought hoof and nail for supremacy. There was no taste anymore. Only ashes clouded their mouths as another pepper was swallowed with the milk looking more and more enticing as time goes on. Ice cold… refreshing. Capable of stopping the pain all together of how spicy this meal was for us. Another pepper down and another which left us in horrible, horrible pain of unimaginable fury.
“Brother… it's… down to the wire…” Flam wheezed out spitting out more flames which caused everything to taste like ash.
“Yes… Brother… one more plate…” Flim barely squeezed out as one more plate was placed before the three of us.
“This...sucks...so...much…” I wheezed out, having to point my head up cause I'm somehow breathing fire with every breath. I reached up shakily for one and grabbed it, downing it in an instant as the burn of the pepper just seemed to be nonexistent at this point. I moved over for another one, not really caring about the other pained stallions.
Flim dropped unconscious while Flam ate another plate to keep up with me. The announcer picked up. “It looks like one has fallen already! What will happen next!?”
I continued to eat more peppers, my entire body pleading for me to stop this madness but I pressed on in eating in practically a delirious state.
Flam devoured just as quickly as me… until he stopped and burst into flames before settling on the ground in a quivering heap of flames and pain. The announcer had to dump the vat of milk on him to stop it.
I leaned up and burped a massive ball of fire into the air, keeping it from setting me aflame before it stopped thankfully. I looked at the announcer with pleading, blurry red eyes in hopes the pain is over.
“And it’s over! The winner is…” The announcer got a bit closer. “What’s your name kid?”
My vision was already blurry as fuck but I passed out thankfully knowing the pain would be gone, a goofy ass smile on my face hearing it was over.
“Huh… Well you heard it folks. Thump has won the match!” The announcer shouted to the entire crowd who would never forget the bravery of Thump. The strange challenger from nowhere.
The first thing I heard when I slowly became conscious was the sound of a heart monitor beeping. “Hmm?” I hum, wondering what the hell is going on.
“Ah Mr. Thump we are glad to see that you are alive. Heck with burns like those we were sure you would never wake up ever again. Heck half your digestive systems look like you’d never be able to eat food ever again and we’d have to feed you through this little tube we shove down your throat.” A doctor chuckles out loud to me.
“Did...I win?” I mumble, hoping that contest wasn't going to waste.
“Oh yes. You did. And now you can eat at the Canterlot Breeze. Home to the spiciest foods in the world.” The doctor beams down at me.
“I'm done with spice...for a lifetime thank you.” I groan. “And the names Simon...not Thump.”
“Well I think the contest heads will only accept Thump as your name now. In fact thanks to Flim and Flam spouting their respect for you the entire city of Los Pegasus now only knows you as Mr. Thump.” The doctor chuckles as he fiddles around with his clipboard.
“Oi vey…” I groan. “And I have to pay for a medical bill huh?”
“No. When you were eating the stallion gave you one of waivers so the hospital is paid for for all the entertainment you provided.” The doctor hums to himself.
“Oh thank god.” I sigh out thankfully. “So...where's food? Cause I'm hungry.”
“We can have them bring you up some hospital food. Right now your tongue would probably fall off if you eat anything else.” The doctor cringes slightly.
“Please...I like my tongue where it is thank you very much.” I nod
“Okay. It’s bland and probably some of the worse food as preached by Zesty Gourmand but it's the only thing that would keep your tongue from falling off.” The doctor presses a button calling in the nurse.
“Zesty Gourmand can suck on a railroad spike for all I fucking care.” I frown. “Still can’t believe ponies believe her bull about food.”
“So… that’s a no on the food then?” The doctor waves a hoof.
“I want food yes. I was just...ranting...tend to do that sometimes. Sorry doc.” I say sheepishly.
“Right then. Well… enjoy the food I guess. In three days maybe you’ll be able to move on back to solid foods again since all that heat ripped through your enamel.” The doctor quickly states before stepping out of the room without looking back.
“Ah man…” I mutter, not liking how my entire mouth is shot because of that. “Well...better just relax I suppose.”
“Ah there you are Minuette. I see you brought the large teeth drill. Yes the patient will be ready for the procedure tomorrow. No problem.” A voice trailed off as a loud drilling resounded from in the hall.
“I really hope I can be high before that thing rips into my mouth…” I sigh out. “That...sounded a little wrong…”
“That’s what she said!” A voice rings out from a dimensional rip that sounded very very familiar.
“Go fuck yourself you weird spirit.” I frown. “So...mind if I ask who you are since you can tell me?”
“Nope. I’m just here for the obligatory that’s what she said joke before you get your teeth drilled into. Enjoy being high. Also the ponies say hi. What… no Pinkie we are not throwing him a party right now. No Pinkie he’s tired of tabasco sauce covered cupcakes. No we can throw one later. Pinkie!” The voice hangs up somehow before silence takes over the room.
“God damn it Pinkie…” He mumbles, not knowing why he said that but feeling it was appropriate.
“Well… Simon was it? We need to get you ready for your operation tomorrow. Have you finished eating?”
“I haven't even gotten food.” I tell the pony.
He points to the small tray on the table that the nurse left of the food Zesty recommended before leaving the room.
“Oi vey…” He mutters while eating his bland and small amount of food. After I got done I nodded. “There, now who's my dentist with a giant ass drill?” I ask.
“This is Minuette. She’s been… enthusiastic to work on an alien’s teeth. Just don’t make any sudden movements and you should be fine.” The doctor says as a light blue unicorn with toothpaste styled hair trots in levitating many… many… many sharp implements all with drill like attachments and even a hammer and chisel.
“Hiiiiiiiii~!” Minuette cheerfully says.
“Can you kindly not sound like your going to violate my mouth?” I ask worriedly.
“That’s also what she said!” The voice called out from nowhere causing Minuette to chuckle.
“Okay. Well let’s get started either yanking or ripping your teeth out and get to the root of the problem. Get it?” Minuette puns a little.
“Can I get really high first before you throw out puns? At least it will enamel me to enjoy them more.” I pun horrible.
“Hm… two out of ten. No anesthesia until you get at least a four out of ten.” Minuette forced a smile.
“I had a pun in mind...but I doubt you know about canine teeth I have.” I sigh out. “Damn it…” He mutters. “
“Listen, how about I get high so I don't mouth off to you.” He puns. “Or are you chattering to hear a new pun?” I pun again, the weak attempts at puns hurting a bunch.
“Hm… passable.” She places the anesthetic over my nose before getting the tools ready.
“There's a party in my mouth…” I slur, tasting sounds and listening to rainbows.
“That’s what she said!” The voice calls out. “Remember folks comedy comes in threes.” And with that the chuckling disappeared as Minuette got to work on my teeth… I think.
To be continued...