Chapter by: Chris
Although she knew it was silly, Carrot Top couldn’t help but flinch when the door to the waiting room opened. She’d flinched when the princesses had come in the first time to explain the setup of the testing room and reassure the half-dozen ponies who’d volunteered with a thorough listing the safety procedures in place; she’d flinched when Twilight had popped her head in to let them know that they’d start in just a few minutes; and now, she flinched again as Twilight trotted back into the room.
“Jeez, nervous much?” asked Ditzy Doo. Had the words come from anypony else’s mouth, Carrot Top would have thought she was being teased. But never from Ditzy. “Don’t worry, I bet it’ll be easy. You’re the second least-evil pony I know!”
Carrot Top giggled, and she felt her stress lift ever-so-slightly. “Only second? Who’s less evil than me?”
“I’ll tell you when you’re finished,” Ditzy replied with a wink, and both of them laughed again.
Twilight cleared her throat, a strained but genuine smile on her face. “Okay, Carrot Top! We’re ready whenever you are.”
“You can do it, CT! Woo-hoo!” came the cheer from behind her as she left with Twilight. Carrot Top’s smile broadened. The butterflies in her stomach were still there, but she felt more ready than she had all day.
“So… all I have to do is touch it, right?” Carrot Top stared at the amulet in front of her, resting on a plain pedestal. “And then what?”
The speaker above her crackled, and Twilight’s voice echoed down into the room. “It’s hard to say exactly what will happen after that. The experience is different for every pony, but the amulet will probably take on some sort of illusory form to talk to you, and create or simulate a situation where it can offer you something you really want, or where you need its help for some reason. It’s, ah, pretty good at finding things that are important to you.” Even through the speaker, Carrot Top could hear a hint of embarrassment enter Twilight’s voice. “All I can tell you is to stay strong, and don’t let it get in your head. Er, metaphorically. It does have to get in your head literally, or at least, the thaumaturgic tendrils need to map to your—”
“Okay, Twilight, I think I’ve got it!” Carrot Top rolled her eyes. “Touch the amulet, don’t do what it wants, and then... that’s it?”
“That’s it!” the speaker confirmed. “Don’t worry, Carrot Top. You’re in the most secure room in Ponyville, and if anything were to go wrong, I’ll be right here. With your help, we can make Equestria a safer place. Just stay strong.”
“Stay strong…” Carrot Top muttered under her breath. “Okay, I’ll try my best.” Her hoof only trembled slightly as she reached out and touched the amulet.
Carrot Top was standing upon the highest balcony of Canterlot Castle. She looked out over Canterlot, and beneath it, all of Equestria. The realm spread before her like a living map.
“I cannot thank you enough,” came a voice behind her. Carrot Top turned just in time to see Princess Celestia bow low. “Your wisdom and benevolence make you a more fit ruler than Luna or I ever were. We are yours to command, my queen.” Without rising, she levitated up a jewelry box holding the Alicorn Amulet. “You need only claim this ancient and holy artifact, so that your power will equal your worthiness, and everything you desire can be yours!”
A great roar rose up from beneath her, and Carrot Top turned again to see a massive throng gathered in the bailey, cheering her name. Banners and flags bearing her cutie mark flew proud, and the whole world seemed to hang on her decision.
She turned back to Celestia. “...Seriously?”
“There is none more worthy than you, you have but to—”
“No, no,” Carrot Top cut her off. “I mean, you seriously think this is going to tempt me? Twilight made it sound like it would be difficult to resist you. Aren’t you supposed to make me some kind of offer I can’t refuse?”
Celestia kept her head bowed, avoiding eye contact. “But, but the power! The whole of Equestria at your command! Whatever you want, it could be yours for the taking!”
Carrot Top rolled her eyes. “Uh-huh. Pass.”
At last Celestia met her eyes. “Please, I ask—no, I beg that you reconsider! Don’t you have any ambition? Any desire? Is there nothing more you wish than the obscurity of a provincial farmer?”
“There’s really not.” Carrot Top smiled. “So, again: pass.”
Carrot Top swiveled her head as she looked about. She was back in the room, the amulet still sitting on its pedestal, and her hoof still stretched out to it. “Huh. That was anticlimactic.”
There was a crackle from the speakers above her. “Carrot Top?” came Twilight’s voice. “You can go ahead and touch it whenever you’re ready.”
“I already did!” Carrot Top shouted at the speaker.
There was a long pause. Then, the doors to the room opened and Twilight came through. “Carrot Top, are you sure you touched it? I didn’t get any readings on the thaumic sensors at all.”
“Yes, I’m sure! I was in Canterlot, and Princess Celestia was offering to let me be in charge of Equestria.”
Twilight whistled appreciatively. “That must have been really hard to resist. Having a chance to matter so much…”
“Er, not really?” Carrot Top arched an eyebrow. “I thought it was kind of silly, actually. Why would I even want that?”
“Because you… oh. Oh.” Twilight grimaced. “Oh, I think I understand now.”
“Understand what?”
“The lack of thaumic readings. It’s… well, nevermind, it’s not important.” Twilight turned and started trotting away. “Thanks for trying, I guess.”
Carrot Top blinked. “Wait, did I do something wrong?”
“No, you did your best. It doesn’t matter, we’ve got plenty of ponies here who can help us.”
Carrot Top broke into a quick trot to catch up with Twilight. “Help us how? What are you talking about?”
Twilight stopped, and turned to face her with a weary groan. “The whole point of us doing this is to drain the amulet of its power, by getting it to use its energy to prey on ponies’ desires. When those desires are consciously rejected by the subject, it creates a anti-sortaligious feedback loop, which adds negative energy equal to the strength of the target’s desire to the amulet.” She glared at Carrot Top.
“But… then what’s the problem?” she asked, blanching at Twilight’s obvious annoyance. “I said no! Shouldn’t that have subtracted the—”
“It doesn’t subtract,” growled Twilight, “it adds a negative amount. And because you apparently don’t have any ambition, there was nothing to add.” She took a deep breath. “But you know what? It’s fine. It’s just a small waste of time, really. And there are plenty of less apathetic ponies who’ve volunteered. I’m sure they’ll do a better job.”
“But I…” Carrot Top opened and closed her mouth a few times, but found she didn’t know what to say. Twilight’s tone left her feeling very guilty, like a foal bringing home a poor report card. But despite that, she couldn’t seem to figure out what exactly it was that she was guilty of. “I’m sorry, Twilight. I—”
“It’s fine,” Twilight muttered, turning and trotting toward the door to the control room. “You can see yourself out. I need to get back to working with the ponies who can actually help us.”
“If you want, I could—”
“I said, it’s fine.” Twilight didn’t look back as she walked through the door, slamming it behind her. Carrot Top put her head down, and after a moment, slowly made her way to the exit.
The walk from the center of Ponyville to Carrot Top’s home was a short one. Over a few rolling hills and past a half-dozen other farms, her own small piece of land lay on the outskirts of town, west of the Apple family’s orchards. Far enough from the Everfree’s border to ensure that anything that wandered out would have to get through somepony else first, yet close enough to it to keep property prices low, it was a location that her grandmother had chosen out of practicality, and through the ensuing generations it had remained a testament to both Top family life and good financial sense. But even if it hadn’t been practical, it would still be home, and Carrot Top could think of nowhere that she would rather be after a disaster of a day like this.
When she arrived at her house, she went straight to the living room, and collapsed onto her favorite couch with an audible whump.
“Well, that could’ve gone better, couldn’t it have?”
Her ears perked up. She’d been thinking those words herself, but she was sure she hadn’t spoken the thought aloud. “Hello? Is somepony there?”
“Ah, yes, the visuals. One moment, my dear.” The air shimmered, and Written Script stepped out of nowhere and into the room.
Her eyes narrowed. “You’re not Written Script,” she said, accusingly. Then, the weight of what that meant sank in. She was all too aware that there was nopony else at home, and nopony else expecting to see her again today. She swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry. “You’re not my husband.”
The pony laughed. “Oh, what gave it away? Wait, don’t tell me, was it the spontaneously materializing?” He gave her a patronizing grin. “Ah, no matter. Guilty as charged. No, I’m just borrowing his appearance for the moment. it’s easier to speak face-to-face when both parties have a face.” He sat on the couch next to Carrot Top. “So, let’s talk about that whole debacle.”
Carrot Top scooted to the far end of the couch, eyeing him warily. “If you’re not him, then drop the disguise.”
“Hmm… no. Honestly, I think I wear it quite well.” His smile turned into a smirk.
She wanted to order him, to scream at him. But despite herself, Carrot Top instead asked, “Who are you?”
“Haven’t figured it out yet?” His horn glowed, and a very familiar amulet floated up into view from behind him. “Here’s a hint.”
“But, but that doesn’t make any sense! I rejected the amulet, I said no, I…” she trailed off as another thought seized her mind. “Wait, if you’re the amulet, how did you get out of Twilight’s super-secure room in the first place?”
“Oh, I’m still stuck on my pedestal back in that ‘containment facility,’” he answered breezily. He reached over to pat her leg, and though Carrot Top stiffened, she felt nothing as the hoof passed through her. “I’m just a projection in your mind, and this,” he tossed the amulet lazily aside, and it fell through the floor and out of sight, “is no more the real Alicorn Amulet than I am the real Written Script.”
“But how are you here?” Carrot Top asked again. “I said no, and I meant it.”
“Ah, but,” purred the apparition, “but, but, but!” He paused, then giggled. “Hehe, but.” He straightened again. “For real though, but! You may have rejected me, but only because I never tempted you.”
Carrot Top finally found the will to get off of the couch, to slip away from the thing that wasn’t her husband. She slowly moved to a chair at the other end of the living room, never taking her eyes off him. “Then what do you call that whole ‘take over Equestria’ thing, huh?”
“Oh, come now.” He waved a hoof dismissively. “We both know you weren’t tempted by that. No offense, but you’re a little too dull to care about stuff like power beyond mortal measure.”
Carrot Top bristled. “So you’re going to sit there and insult me, now? Well, whatever you have to offer, I don’t want it!”
The apparition smiled placidly. “And yet, I’m still here, aren’t I? You can’t get rid of me so easily, Carrot Top. It’s meaningless to reject something you didn’t want to begin with.”
“So… what? You plan to just haunt me for the rest of my life?”
“Oh no, of course not.” He straightened. “I plan to make you an offer you’ll appreciate. I’ve been thinking about you, you see, trying to figure out what it is you desire. As far as I can tell from poking around at your mind—” Carrot Top nervously put a hoof to her head, and his smile grew wider, “—you’re very content with what you have. But I don’t know why, and to be honest, I don’t think you know, either.”
“Because I have a good life!” Carrot Top exclaimed. “I have a garden that I enjoy working in, and between it and Script’s writing, we make enough money to get by. Get by, and have some left over to start putting away for when we retire! I’ve got a family that I love, and friends who care about me, and…” she stumbled. “...Well, and that’s plenty!” The apparition shook his head, which just made her angrier. “And stop playing dress-up with my husband’s body! It’s creepy.”
“Hmm… no.” He shook his head, disbelief writ across his face. “You know, I’ve heard a lot of lame excuses from ponies who claim that there’s nothing more in life that they want, but I think ‘I’m putting money away for retirement’ is the most boring one yet.” She opened her mouth to retort, but he cut her off. “But yes, yes, I’m sure that those are all nice things, and that really does seem to be as far as your wants and desires go. It’s all very plebeian, as the ancient Unicornians would have said.”
“Great.” She forced the word through gritted teeth. “So now that we both know how boring I am, how about you leave?”
“Ahh, not so fast! Temptation first, remember? Because you said something else, I believe. What was it… ah yes, ‘friends who care about me.’” He leaned forward, and though there was plenty of space between them, Carrot Top leaned back. “That matters to you, doesn’t it? Being cared about. You may not feel the need to be as important or famous as somepony like Princess Twilight Sparkle, but in the end, you still want to be important to somepony.”
Carrot Top crossed her hooves. “Yes. And I already have that, and I don’t need any more than I’ve got.” Unable to resist the petulance bubbling inside her, she added, “And you’re a terrible tempter.”
He laughed at that. “Maybe, maybe. But I think you’re not content, and I think ponies don’t care about you nearly as much as you think. Tell you what,” he leaned back on the couch again, “let’s make a deal. Let’s go talk to a few ponies. If you can find one pony who really cares about you, then I’ll get out of your brain and leave you alone forever. Deal?”
Carrot Top arched her eyes. “And if I can’t, then I have to accept the amulet?”
“If you can’t, I’ll still leave you alone… unless you decide that I do have something to offer, after all.” He winked. “Can’t beat a deal like that, can you? What do you say?”
She didn’t need to think long.
“Let’s get this over with.”
The plan was simple. The amulet could do little without a wielder, but could project a weak illusion over Carrot Top. For the rest of the day, she’d be “Florina Tart:” a young mare from a family of cherry-buckers, come to Ponyville to make a few bits through the harvest season. Florina would go into town in disguise, strike up a conversation, casually ask if the pony she was talking to knew a “Carrot Top” in town, and prove to the amulet that she didn’t need to be important for ponies to care about her. It almost seemed too easy.
By virtue of being her closest neighbor, Applejack was her first target. But while the introduction went well, the next part of her plan didn’t go at all as she imagined.
“Well, I’ll probably take you up on that offer!” ‘Florina’ said with an awkward grin.
“Aw shucks, it’s not like we couldn’t use an extra pair of hooves to get these puppies down,” Applejack said, tapping the tree behind her for emphasis. “You sure you don’t wanna stay for dinner? All you can eat, free for the prospective employee!”
Florina chuckled weakly. “That sounds wonderful,” she said, glancing back at her house, “but I was going to try to meet up with a few more farmers in the area. Say, have you ever heard of somepony named, er, Carrot Top?” She looked up expectantly.
“Yup!” said Applejack.
There was an awkward silence.
“...Oh, you were probably meaning, ‘Where’s she live,’ huh?” Applejack eventually said, chuckling sheepishly as she adjusted her hat. “Well, she’s right over in the big house on the hill next door!” She pointed back to Carrot Top’s house.
“Alright, well, thanks,” Florina said. “Um, do you mind if I ask… what’s she like?”
“What’s she like? I dunno. She’s pretty nice, I guess.”
There was another awkward silence. Florina cleared her throat, and tried again.
“So, she’s nice, and…?”
Applejack scratched her chin. “And… grows carrots? I figured you’d know that from her name.” She chuckled. “I dunno what else to tell you, hun.”
Florina’s ears fell. “Oh, okay.” She gave it one more try. “I just thought, since you live so close, maybe you were friends…”
Applejack smiled apologetically. “Well, there’s friends, and then there’s friendly, you know? Me and Carrot Top are plenty friendly, but it’s not like I know her that well.” She frowned, seeing Florina’s downcast expression. “But hey, why don’t you go talk to her yourself? Like I said, she’s nice! Er, she seems pretty nice, anyway.”
“Thanks,” Florina whispered, as she trotted away. Things will go better in town, she thought to herself.
Behind her, she heard a giggle in her husband’s voice.
“Oh yeah, Carrot Top!”
“You know her?”
“Sure, sure. The one with orange hair!”
“...And?”
“And what?”
“She sells carrots at the market. Real sweet ones, too. When I was growing up I never liked carrots much, they always tasted kind of bitter to me, you know? When I moved to Ponyville, though, it was like, ‘Woah, these are actually not bad!’ The stuff you get in a supermarket in the big city can’t compare to something straight from the farm, you know? Yeah, market’s open tomorrow, if you want to get some.”
“Okay, but what’s she like?”
“Oh, you know, she’s just like, a farmer, you know?”
“So does she have any hobbies, or…”
“Well, we’ve never really hung out—Oh, I take that back! I guess she was with Lily and me at the art show last week!”
“Did you three have a good time?”
“Oh, absolutely; Lily is one of my best friends! There was one sculpture there that we both just loved, it was—”
“Yes, but, what about Carrot Top? What did she like?”
“Hmm? Oh, I don’t know, I guess I wasn’t really paying attention to what she said. Honestly, she’s more Lily’s friend than mine.”
“Hmm? Oh, I don’t know, I guess I wasn’t really paying attention to what she said. Honestly, she’s more Berry’s friend than mine.”
“I’m afraid I don’t—Oh, wait! Written Script’s wife, right?”
“She can’t be that awesome if I can’t even remember her.”
“I mean, I love love love big parties, so it’s not like it’s a problem, but I don’t think anypony really invites her. She just kinda… shows up.”
“Who?”
“Carrot Top!” Florina screamed. “Carrot Top! You have breakfast together every Sunday! She foalsits for you when you have a double-shift at work! You were just talking to her about the stupid Alicorn Amulet this afternoon!”
“Ooooh!” Ditzy smacked her forehead. “Oh, yeah! Carrot Top!” She giggled sheepishly. “You’re right, I guess I do kinda know her.”
“Kinda? Kinda?!” Florina shrieked. “Ditzy, she is Dinky’s godmother! What do you mean, kinda?!”
Ditzy just shrugged, but at least looked abashed. Most ponies hadn’t even managed that. “Yeah, that’s her alright. To be fair, she is pretty forget-about-able.”
“Forgettable,” she growled. “The word is forgettable!”
Ditzy beamed. “She is forgettable! See? We agree!”
“I… I… agh!” Florina turned and stomped off.
“So,” came Written Script’s voice from beside her. “Who do you want to try next?”
“Nopony,” muttered Florina, keeping her face tight. “There’s nopony else in town I want to talk to.”
“Giving up so soon?” Carrot Top felt a tingle as the disguise faded away. “Ready to admit that I’m right?”
She wheeled to face the apparition, heedless of a few odd looks from passersby. “No,” she snarled. “Maybe I’m just another nobody to everypony else in this town, but there’s still one stallion who cares about me!” She pointed an accusing hoof at him. “And I told you to stop wearing his face!”
“Hmm… no.” He met her eyes without flinching. “I took this form for a reason, Carrot Top. Because for as much as you care about him... he’s not here.”
“He’s out of town,” she growled.
“Yes, yes, ‘out of town,’” he drawled. “He goes there a lot, doesn’t he?”
“He travels for work! He has a job!”
“He has a life, Carrot Top. He has a life outside of you. Think about it: what does he talk about when he comes home? Does he tell you how much he hates to go on the road, and how he wishes he could’ve stayed in Ponyville for the weekend? Does he tell you how he’d rather be with you?” His eyes glinted. “Or does he talk about all the things he saw and did? Does he tell you how hard it was to be away… or does he tell you how much fun he had when he left you behind?”
Carrot Top had started to cry, but she still managed to squeak out, “He always tells me he’s glad he’s home.”
“He’s glad he can relax. You’re a perfectly fine housekeeper and sounding board, but that doesn’t mean he really cares about you. He just likes having things taken care of when he’s done with another grand adventure. You’re not important to him! You’re just convenient.”
Carrot Top tried to answer, but her breaths were coming too fast. With a wordless cry she crumpled to the ground. Tears marred her cheeks as he lay in the middle of the street. She curled up in a ball, and wept.
“Well, then. I think we both know who won this bet. A deal’s a deal; I won’t bother you again.” He winked. “But if you want to find me, you know where to look.” With a mock bow, he vanished into thin air.
It was a long time before Carrot Top brought herself under control, and was able to stand up again.
Many ponies passed her by before then. Nopony stopped.
That night, as she lay alone on one side of a cold double bed, she made a decision.
One would think that getting inside of a tightly secured building while it was playing host to an Equestria-threatening artifact would be challenging. Between the guards, the detection spells, and the other magical and mundane measures, surely it would be difficult for any thief or ne’er-do-well to enter unannounced.
But Carrot Top wasn’t a thief or ne’er-do-well. She was just another unremarkable pony, and the guards at the door didn’t bat an eye as she shuffled inside.
When she entered the foyer, Written Script stepped out from nowhere.
“I was hoping you’d come back. Are you ready? I can do more than just give out raw power; I can help you make friends, influence ponies… I can help you matter.”
Carrot Top nodded wordlessly.
As she stepped forward, the reinforced doors opened without a whisper to let her pass; the guards inside the testing room dozed at their stations; the cameras smoked and died; the nullification spells winked out one by one. With just a few steps more, she was standing once again before the amulet. Hesitantly, she took it in her hoof.
“Put it on,” urged the voice of her husband. “Let me help you, Carrot Top. Put on the amulet, and together, we’ll make sure that everypony cares.”
“They would care, wouldn’t they?” Carrot Top spoke as if to herself. “If I put this on, they will care about me.”
Her eyes hardened. “But they’ll only care because I messed up.”
She faced the apparition. “If I put on this amulet, Twilight and her friends will find a way to stop me. Or if they don’t, somepony else will. I’m just one pony, and not even you can stand against all of Equestria. They’ll care, all right. And they’ll remember who I am.” She sniffled, though her eyes stayed hard. “They’ll remember me as just another vanquished villain. They’ll remember me as ‘The Mare Who Failed.’”
“Then don’t fail!” said the apparition. “With me, you can—”
“With you I’m a failure!” she shouted over him. “Do you know what everypony thinks of you when you put your head down and do your job? They don’t think anything! They don’t even notice, because if everything’s going right, who cares? But when you screw up, then they care.” She had started crying again, and the tears trickled down the trails still left on her cheeks from that evening. “When you dye your mane a stupid color, or screw up a banner, then everypony cares. But if you do the right thing, nopony notices.”
The apparition stared at the amulet in her hooves, its glinting red gem reflecting in his eyes. When he spoke, it was almost a whisper. “You’re right, of course. Ponies don’t notice if you do what you’re supposed to. And if you don’t put on that amulet?” He raised his eyes to Carrot Top’s, and the fire returned to his voice. “You’ll be doing exactly what you’re supposed to.
“If you don’t put it on, and if this ridiculous plan of the princess’s somehow works, then what? I’ll tell you: all the headlines the next day will read ‘Twilight Sparkle Vanquishes Ancient Evil,’ and your name won’t even be mentioned. You won’t matter, they won’t notice, and not a single pony will care! Don’t you get it?” His voice had risen to a scream. “Without me, nopony will care about you!”
She hiccupped. “You’re right. They won’t.”
She tilted her hoof, and the amulet clattered to the ground.
Carrot Top was standing in the chamber, her hoof raised to touch the amulet. As a thin puff of smoke wafted up from it, she collapsed into a ball on the ground.
“Carrot Top? Carrot Top, are you okay?!” She heard Twilight’s voice crackling overhead, but she couldn’t find it in herself to answer. “Hold on, I’m coming in.” There was a metallic click, and moments later, Twilight rushed into the chamber. She wrapped her hooves around Carrot Top as she trembled in her grip.
“...Twilight?” she finally managed to whisper. “What are you doing here? You should be in bed.”
“Shh.” Twilight spoke softly, gently. “You only touched the amulet for a second. I don’t know how long it felt like you spent in there, but it doesn’t matter anymore. You did it.”
“It was… none of it was real?”
“No, Carrot Top. No, whatever you saw, it wasn’t real. And you did wonderfully.” Twilight’s hug tightened. “Did you see that puff of smoke? That was a temporo-physical reaction to… well, it means that the amulet was weakened. I’m sure it was hard, but you stayed strong.”
Twilight Sparkle Vanquishes Ancient Evil…
Carrot Top took a shaky break. “Then I guess that’s good enough.”
She hadn’t taken two steps into the testing room before Ditzy had her wrapped up in a crushing embrace. “I lied to you,” she whispered into Carrot Top’s ear. “Please don’t be mad, okay?”
“I… what?”
“You aren’t really the second-least-evil pony I know. You’re the evil-less-est.”
As tired and worn as she felt, Carrot Top couldn’t suppress a weary smile as she leaned into the hug. “Is that so? Why didn’t you tell me the truth, then?”
Even though she couldn’t see it, she could feel the warmth from Ditzy’s cheek as she blushed. “I didn’t want you to get a big head right before you went in there. Twilight said the amulet can try to trick you, so I thought I would outsmart it with strategic misinformation!” Ditzy pulled her face back enough so that they could look at one another. “Did it work?”
“What do you know about me?”
If Ditzy noticed the non-sequitur, she didn’t acknowledge it. “That you’re a good farmer, and a great wife, and a super-duper big sister. You’re serious, even when you’re being silly. You like to sit on the porch and daydream, and play word games, and sometimes you even let me play the words that I like but you think are too made-up to count. You keep saying you don’t like hayfries, but you always eat half of mine when we go out. You help me be a better mother, even though you don’t see how much you help. And you’re my best friend in the world.” She blinked. “Also, you’re crying. It’s not what I said about the hayfries, is it? Because it’s not a problem, I always order a large so that we’ll both get enough.”
Carrot Top pulled Ditzy close again. “No, Ditzy, it’s not what you said about the hayfries.” She squeezed her hooves around her friend as tightly as she could. “Thank you for caring.”