Chapter 22: The One Without Schadenfreude In It
Celestia sips her tea carefully, taking in her present company. Luna and Cadence sit on either side of her, as she sits at the head of the table, while Twilight, Discord, and Prince Blueblood sit opposite. Shining Armos has taken a seat at the far end of the table. The usual staff are in attendance, coming and going with much professionalism. Not to mention some caution, given the Chaos God’s presence.
The solar princess taps a large folder against the table, sifting the papers within. “Well, as you are all no doubt aware, our annual performance reviews are due,” she explains.
Cadence raises a hoof. “Um, Auntie?”
“Hmm?”
The Princess of the Crystal Empire looks around the room cautiously. “Why… are all of us here?”
Celestia acknowledges the question with a regal nod. “I can understand your confusion, dear niece. You see, your presence is required as much as ours, because the Crystal Empire also requests that their royalty also provides reviews. As a matter of fact, this was a tradition the Empire started themselves, over a thousand years ago. One of the few productive by-products of the times of King Sombra. Although there is much less flogging now.”
The once-single ruler of Equestria turns to Twilight and Blueblood. “Your presence is less mandatory and more of a teaching lesson. As neither of you have had direct employees longer than a few months, your first annual review is typically voluntary, although I thought this would be a good teaching experience for next year.”
Twilight nodded like the good student she was, eager to learn more about her position as a Princess, and increase her personal productivity. Blueblood simply sighed uninterestedly and stared at his hoof.
Luna took a moment to speak. “And, if I may ask, dear sister, why is… Discord here?”
The draconequis leaned back in his chair with a smug smile. “Celly asked my personal opinion on a rather specialized case.”
Celestia nodded. “It’s true. While this may be like every other performance review in the history of Equestria, it is also the first performance review with regards to… Schadenfreude.” Barring Discord and Celestia, the collective flinch would have earned the most furious of pummelings on any playground. The Sun Princess continued. “Now, the majority of reviews are rather simple. We simply address one department at a time, only mentioning ponies by name when there are outliers. Either in regards to exceptional performance, or the extreme lack thereof. We of course approach each employee’s file individually on our own time, but this meeting is a forum to address those who stand out either in a positive or negative light. Our… most unique butler is a rare case, as he is one of the only ponies in recent history to have worked directly for each pony present.”
Twilight tilted his head at Cadence. “He worked for you?”
Cadence simply looked dead ahead with a flat stare. “Yes. Sometime last year, before I knew any better. He helped set up the Hearts and Hooves day celebration earlier this year.”
Twilight flinched again. “I see.”
Celestia coughed. “Yes, well. Given how his review spans the entire spectrum of royalty, for good or for bad, his review requires each of our inputs. Now, that’s not to say there aren’t other ponies in similar positions, such as the temporary staff I provided for you, Twilight, as well as the staff under my command that helped with the restoration of the Crystal Kingdom. There are also many ponies who work dual shifts here at the castle, who fall under both my and my sister’s purview. However, there currently exists only one pony to have worked for all four princesses, AND both Princes.”
“Schadenfreude,” Blueblood spat.
Discord chuckled.
Luna took over the proceedings, taking a file from a large stack in the middle of the table. It was an assortment of various colors of paper, many notes, and a special scroll attached to it. “Let’s see. Schadenfreude’s personnel file.” She also levitated toward her a special packet of paper from a stack of similar packets. “Now, each review has several questions, though many of these are typically answered by the individual under whom the employee works directly. NORMALLY,” she grunted, not happy about the special scenario the butler had somehow created, which was a logistical headache in and of itself. “Unfortunately, we must address each question individually. Now, I shall go down the list, and address each section one at a time. Question One: Has the employee in question performed all of their assigned duties correctly, timely, and to the best of their ability?”
There was a general murmur of conversation around the table, until Blueblood surprised them all by answering, “Yes.” He did so with a detectable bit of animosity.
The table looked at him.
Sighing, he elaborated. “It’s one of the many things about him that absolutely infuriates me: he’s very good at his job. I find it very, VERY difficult to find legitimate reasons to punish him, and CERTAINLY haven’t found any reason to fire him, not legally. He’s very good about towing the line.”
Cadence nodded in agreement. “Yes, he does have a good work ethic. It’s just… everything else that bothers me absolutely.”
Luna nodded, satisfied, as nopony else volunteered further input. “Question Two: Has the employee shown any disrespect or discontent towards their employee?”
The table paused only for a second to look at each other before they said, in resounding chorus: “YES.”
Shining Armor spoke up. “It’s a shame he’s not a member of the guard. Such disrespect would have had him out on his arse ages ago.”
Celestia nodded her agreement. “True. However, our employment contracts strictly state that personal opinions, political standpoints, and differences of opinion are not acceptable grounds for dismissal in civil service. Otherwise all those crotchety old bureaucrats currently clogging the drains in the Council would have disappeared in the wind long since past. It’s also illegal to dismiss a pony based on their special talent, unless said talent actively endangers the well-being of his fellow employees, coworkers, or clients. Like hiring a pyrotechnics specialist to work in the kitchens,” she added with a pointed glance at Luna.
“I thought his mark was CANDLES, OK?!” Luna protested. “Either way, while it is certainly a negative mark on his file, we press on. Question Three: Has the employee endangered the lives, well-being, or livelihood of his fellow employees?”
There was much debate about this question, as Schaden’s antics had a way of halting productivity, thus negatively impacting other ponies’ livelihood. However, he also had a penchant for volunteering his help in order to get things back on track, and his strange balance of dicketry and misplaced good intentions had yet to noticeably impact the efficiency of any department as a whole.
Besides making the guards cry. But they weren’t exactly his coworkers.
Discord spoke up on behalf of his ‘friend’, “I think the question we need to ask is, does having him around create a net negative or net positive on the castle?”
Blueblood snorted, more than ready to voice his opinion, but was beaten to the punch by Luna. “While that IS a large part of the review at large, it is a question for later, once all others have been addressed. I believe we can all agree that this is a… mixed answer? Neither a-” and she gave Discord a look here, “-net positive NOR negative?”
Begrudgingly, the table seemed to concede this point.
Luna read the next answer, and cringed. “Oh, boy. Right, Question Four: In your personal opinion, what is this employee’s greatest flaw?”
The rest table paused in silence for exactly half a second before they laughed themselves stupid. Even Celestia had a difficult time maintaining her composure. “How about he’s a giant DICK?!” Blueblood bellowed, between annoyingly loud laughs.
Twilight hadn’t laughed exactly as loud as the rest, but she certainly wasn’t immune to the humor of the situation. “I… I think we can safely put down ‘Annoying Clod’ and move on,” she suggested.
Between the laughter and general agreement, Luna simply sighed, made a note in the same vein, though more politically correct, than ‘Giant Douche’, and moved on. “Alright, Question Fi- Question- Ques- QUESTION FIVE!” she bellowed, in the Royal Canterlot voice. The table hiccuped to a stop, all present turning to Luna with surprise. Celestia merely rolled her eyes and smiled amusingly. “Ahem. Right, Question Five: What would you say is this employee’s greatest strength or contribution?”
This question was met much more seriously. Well, mostly. “He’s funny as hell!” Discord cheered immediately.
The ponies present gave him a variety of disapproving looks. Twilight spoke up next, after a moment. “Um… he actually does have a great work ethic. I mean, logistically I don’t have any complaints. He does his job, does it well, and moves on. If not for… him, he’d be an immaculate professional.”
Luna nodded, “I agree. Although he has little to know duties that relate to me, I find he has little to no difficulty in the tasks set before him.”
“He keeps life interesting,” Celestia said simply. Luna gave her a pointed look. “...what?” she said hesitantly.
“You know the only reason you like him is that he does all the petty, ‘funny’ things you wish you could do,” she grumbled.
Celestia did not argue this point.
“That’s not the only thing she likes about him,” Cadence chided.
“Ex-excuse me?” Princess Celestia stuttered.
“Oh please. I’m the Princess of Love. You think I wouldn’t notice?” Cadence jibbed.
Celesta looked side to side, then made a valiant attempt to hide her head in the table, blushing slightly.
Luna rolled her eyes. “Yes, she has a weakness for these things. There are certain members of the guard she likes to post at her door simply because she finds them… appealing.”
Blueblood looked ready to explode. “You mean the entire reason I’ve been subjected to this unrelenting hell is because you wanted more eye-candy?”
“No,” Celestia said harshly. “I assigned Schadenfreude to you for all the reasons I said when he first arrived. Those are all true. My… appreciation of his posterior has no bearing on his employment. Besides, Luna wouldn’t let me keep him around just for that, anyway.”
Luna nodded. “Also true. She’s lamented to me a few times that such a well-formed posterior was wasted on ‘such a giant ass’.”
Cadence burst out laughing. “Oh… oh god, I hate it. It’s funny, but I hate it, cause I know he’d think it was funny!” she hollered, trying to control her laughter.
Discord wiggled his eyebrows. “Maybe I should have tea with the little bastard after this. You know, have a good long talk with him.”
Celestia glared broadswords at the draconequus. “I will literally Harmonize you into the ground. You and I both know he’d be insufferable.”
The table nodded in agreement, and even Discord had to agree. “True. Also, talking about his butt would be a rather awkward conversation. Again.”
Luna raised an eyebrow, but simply moved on to the last question. Question Six: In the opinion of the employer, is this employee fit to continue working in his position?”
There was a silent exchange of glances as a wealth of information was non-verbally exchanged. Then Blueblood sighed, very heavily. “He’s not going anywhere, is he?”
“Nope,” Princess Celestia noted, taking a sip of tea.