//------------------------------//
// Kitty Cat-astrophe! 
// Story: My Brave Pony: Starfleet Nemesis 
// by Scipio Smith 
//------------------------------//


Kitty Kat-astrophe!



 


Pinkie and the Zebras (also the name of Pinkie's next band), had ditched the zebra crawler a little way south of El Alamane and stolen a Starfleet truck off the base to take them into United Equestria itself. Pinkie didn't feel entirely right in stealing, but the zebras were right when they said it was less conspicuous and Maud was right when she said that Starfleet had just tried to kill her, so she supposed that she was owed a ride in return.

Now, after travelling with nothing to do for what seemed like ages, their truck was parked by the side of the road a couple of miles outside of New Canterlot. Inside the dark and shadow-shrouaded confines of the lorry trailer Pinkie, Maud, Ria and Karima waited with various degrees of patience for Sephora to get back from reconnoitering in the city.

Pinkie, to be specific, was bouncing up and down the trailer from the closed doors to where the HANNIBAL knelt at the other end like a knight asking for the blessing of his lady.

She just couldn't wait to get out of here! The closer they got to New Canterlot the more excited Pinkie had started to get and now they were so close that she could practically touch it she could hardly contain herself! New Canterlot! Rainbow Dash would be here and Fluttershy too and she just couldn't wait to tell them the great news and she could already imagine the looks on there faces and Rainbow Dash would be like 'No way!' and she'd be all 'Yes way' and Rainbow would be like 'No way' and she'd be all 'Yes way' and they could go on like that until the joke stopped being funny and Pinkie could actually explain! Then Rainbow would be all 'This is so awesome!' and Fluttershy would go 'Yay' and then they could go find Spike and Applejack and Rarity and then they could all go together to get Twilight! Then everything would be just like it was which meant that everything could start to get better and they could make friends with the zebras and-

"Pinkie, calm down," Maud murmured, from where she sat as still as one of those little statues of meditating elephants that you could buy in Horn Kong near the door out of the trailer. "You're going to wear yourself out."

"Calm down?" Pinkie cried. "How am I supposed to calm down, Maud? We're almost here! We're so close and I can practically taste it and I can't wait to see all my friends again and tell them all about my great news-"

"You mean the great news that somebody tried to kill you and our queen?" Karima demanded.

"No," Pinkie said, because obviously that wasn't great news at all. "I mean the great news that Twilight is alive and we can be together again just like we used to and everything-"

"Okay, okay," Karima said, holding up one hoof to stop the flood of words out of Pinkie's mouth. "But let's not forget why we're really here, okay."

Pinkie's head rotated ninety-degrees upon her neck. "That is why I'm really here."

Karima stared at her for a moment. "Well...that's nice. But we're here to find out why our Queen got attacked and why you got attacked and do you people really want a war with us or not."

"Nobody wants a war," Pinkie declared breezily. "War means people dying and children crying and people getting meaner whether or not they win or loose. What sane pony, what sane person, would want something like that when you can just sit down and talk about your problems and work them out?"

"Nobody," Ria conceded. "But it's the insane ones you gotta watch out for. Speaking of which, is it true the Grand Ruler chews the carpet when he gets angry?"

Pinkie blinked. "I don't think so."

Ria shrugged. "Well, there goes the 'send him a poisoned carpet' plan to win the war."

"We're not at war," Pinkie said. "Twilight-"

"Look, I don't know Twilight, and I don't know you," Karima snapped, taking two steps across the trailer towards Pinkie. "Here's what I know: Starfleet ponies attacked us. Starfleet ponies killed zebras. Starfleet ponies tried to take out the Queen of Zebrica. You can talk all you want but that sounds an awful lot like war to me."

"Calm down, Karima," Ria said firmly. "Her Majesty herself trusted ambassador Pinkie Pie to return here without betraying us. She trusted her to preserve the peace."

"I know!" Karima said as a scowl disfigured her face. "I just...gah! Sephora's been gone too long! She should be back already!"

"It's only been a couple of hours."

"She shouldn't even be here!"

"You know why she had to come," Ria replied. "She's the only zebra with a modified form in Zebrica, she's the only zebra we've got who wouldn't stick out like a sore hoof. Do you think either of us could wander round a pony city? She's-"

"She's the brains and we're the muscle, I remember," Karima grumbled. "That doesn't mean I have to like it."

Pinkie turned away from the two of them, and faced the closed doors that, when opened, would allow her to escape from this trailer and make her way back to her friends. Then they would sort out all these problems and get Twilight back and-

"Pinkie," Maud's voice was soft, as soft as the touch of her finger's upon Pinkie's shoulder. "Can you promise me something?"

Pinkie nodded her head rapidly. "I'll even Pinkie promise if it helps!"

"You don't need to do that," Maud replied. "Just...promise me that you won't get your hopes up."

"What do you mean?" Pinkie asked.

"I mean that just because we're close to New Canterlot doesn't mean that all our problems are going to be over," Maud said. "Things aren't always that simple."

"But what else could possibly happen?" Pinkie asked. "We're here, and Twilight's back and-"

"And we don't know what's going to happen next," Maud said. "I...I don't want you to get disappointed if things don't go the way you'd like."

Pinkie giggled. "You can't stop looking out for me, can you?"

"No," Maud said. "I'm your sister."

There was a banging on the trailer door.

"You guys still okay in there?" Sephora called from outside.

Karima sighed with evident releif. "Yes. We were getting worried about you."

The door to the trailer opened enough for Sephora to pull herself inside. She was wearing a pair of enormous black sunglasses to disguise her face, but she took them off as she clambered into the shadowy trailer. "On the upside, I don't think we're at war."

"That was quick," Ria observed.

"Nobody's acting like they're at war anyway. The biggest topic of conversation seems to be the marriage of two characters on a television show.

"What's the downside?" Karima asked.

"The downside is that we still don't know what's going on with the attack on the palace," Sephora said. "Nobody seemed to know anything about it."

"So what do we do?"

"We could-" Sephora's words came to a slamming halt as Pinkie heard a snipping sound, like scissors slicing through thread.

A shadow passed over Sephora's face.

Karima frowned. "Sephora?"

"Yeah, what do you want?" Sephora demanded.

"Huh?"

"Huh? Huh? What, are you too stupid to form complete sentences?" Sephora growled.

"That wasn't very nice," Pinkie said.

"Nice zebras finish last, pony," snapped Sephora. "I learnt that from your people. If you want to get ahead in this world you've gotta put yourself first! And that means no more associating with losers like you!"

"Loser! Just who are you calling loser?" Karima yelled.

"Who do you think?"

"Why you-"

"Karima, calm down," Ria urged. "Sephora, what's with you all of a sudden? What about our mission?"

Sephora folded her arms across her chest. "Huh. Our mission. If all you do is follow orders like a camel, it's no wonder that you're life is going nowhere."

Pinkie's eyes narrowed. "Did something happen to you while you were in the city? Because you weren't this much of a grumpypants before."

"The only thing that happened to me was opening my eyes," Sephora declared. "I've got a lot to offer, and only so much time to spend on losers like you." She flung open the trailer doors, leapt down onto the ground, and began to flounce away.

"Hey!" Ria pushed past Pinkie and Maud leap down from the trailer and begin to follow Sephora. "Sephora, come back! How are we supposed to-"

Pinkie heard that sound again, that sound like threads being snipped through. A shadow passed over Ria's face.

"Don't you turn your back on me, Hands!" Ria yelled. "What, do you think you're so special just because you look like a pony that you can look down on the rest of us?"

"No, I think the fact that I'm better than you means I can look down on the rest of you," Sephora declared.

"Why you-"

"Oh, I'm sorry, did I strike a nerve? Why don't you tell me to calm down, since that seems to be your catchphrase?"

"What happened to the two of them?" Maud murmured.

"I don't know, but it seems to happen pretty quickly," Pinkie replied.

"Freakshow!"

"Doormat!"

"Hey, will you two knock it off," Karima shouted as she tried to separate the two of them. "Or do I have to start up the HANNIBAL and separate you two.

"Oh, please, like you'd even know how to start it without me," Sephora sniffed.

There was that snipping sound again, and a shadow passed over Karima's face.

"Oh no," Pinkie murmured.

"Oh yeah? Well I'll show you whose dumb when I've rearranged your stupid face!"

"Give me your best shot."

Pinkie got down out of the trailer, followed by Maud, and began to walk across the scrub-covered field. Gotta think. Gotta think like Twilight, all smart like.

She found that she could picture Twilight in her mind, Twilight with four legs the way she used to be when everything was wonderful, wearing a serious pondering face as she considered the problem.

"Well, Pinkie, this certainly is a conundrum. But we can draw a few conclusions."

"Ooh, ooh, I have a question!"

"Yes, Pinkie."

"What does conundrum mean?"

Twilight gave her a Look. "Pinkie."

"Yes, Twilight?"

"I'm a figment of your imagination, therefore you know exactly what conundrum means. QED."

"I don't know what that means."

"No, but you did hear me say it once," Twilight said. She cleared her throat. "As I was saying we can draw a few conclusions: as this change in the behaviour of the zebras is occurring rapidly but not simaltaneously, we can infer that something is causing this transformation. The process is acting too quickly to be the result of disease, therefore this is most likely the work of some external agent?"

"Ooh, is that like a secret agent?"

"No, Pinkie, that...actually in this case they might be the same thing. Now, if you want to stop this you need to find the agent and force them to reverse the process."

"But how do I do that?"

"I don't know, Pinkie. Like I said, I'm just a figment of your imagination."

Pinkie smiled as the image in her mind's eye faded. Maybe for now, Twilight, but not for long. I'll see you again, I know it.

She heard a snip.

Oh no. Oh no, no, no! Pinkie whirled around to face her sister. "Maud? Maud?"

Maud turned away abruptly. "Don't talk to me."

Pinkie's eyes widened. "Maud?" Her voice rose. "Okay, that does it! I'm going to find you, you big meanie, and when I do I'm going to-"

"Oh, give it a rest!" Karima snapped.

Someone started chuckling. Specifically it was a bush very close to the stolen truck that was suddenly quivering with laughter.

The chuckling turned into full on laughter that turned out to be coming from somebody inside the bush, who emerged from hiding with her hands wrapped around her sides as she laughed.

She was a cat, with orange fur covering her body - what Pinkie could see of her body underneath her blue catsuit anyway - arms and legs, and paws at the end of those same arms and legs. Her face, though, was flat and hairless like those humans on the other side of the magic mirror, with coat-less skin of a light brown. Her hair was pink, darker near the tips, though a pair of feline ears rose up out of that hair like mountains out of the forest. An orange tail flapped from side to side behind her.

"Oh, the horror!" the cat cried in a high pitched, girlish voice. "Oh, what a catastrophe! What could possibly be going on?"

Pinkie put one hand to her chin. "Well, I don't know, but I'm going to guess that you've got something to do with it."

"Something to do with it?" the catgirl cried. "Why, I've got everything to do with it! This cat-lamity is the doing of one kitty, and that Kitty is me: Kitty Snip, the Friendship Bandit!"

Pinkie gasped in horror. "Oh no, not the Frienship Bandit! Wait, who?"

Kitty's face fell. "You've never heard of the Friendship Bandit?"

"No," Pinkie admitted. "Although it does sound pretty terrible."

"Oh, I'm terrible alright," Kitty cried. "Why I..." she glanced at the nearby truck. "Hold that thought." With a single bound Kitty Snip had leapt on top of the roof of the truck, the better to grandstand off it. "I, Kitty Snip, possess a most rare and curious ability. I, and I alone, can see all the crimson threads of friendship that bind creatures together."

"Oh, so that's what they are," Pinkie said.

"Yes, the- wait, what?" Kitty snapped. "You can see them, too?"

"Well I can now," Pinkie said, looking down at all the threads that were emerging from out of her very body to spread out in all directions. Some of them headed in the direction of New Canterlot, some of them hared off into the distance. One of them tied her to Maud, and incipient threads were even starting to link her to the zebras. She could see threads going from other people - from Maud, from the zebras - but they had all be severed, lying dangling pointlessly on the ground.

Pinkie looked up at Kitty. "You-"

"Yes!" Kitty shouted triumphantly. "Not only can I see the threads of friendship, I can sever them with my claws. I cut the ties that bind and then I watch the ensuing fallout. That's why they call me the Friendship Bandit, because I steal friendship's away for good!"

"Does anybody actually call you that or did you just make it up yourself?" Pinkie asked.

Kitty was silent for a moment. "Well, okay, I did come up with it myself...and I came up with Kitty Snip myself as well...but some day soon everyone is going to know my name. And they're pretty cool names, too, I spent hours coming up with both of them!"

"But why are you doing this?" Pinkie demanded. "Why would you want to do something so horrible as to sever the ties of frieendship? Why that's just...don't you have any friends? How would you feel if somebody severed your ties?"

Kitty's fur bristled. "Too late."

"I had a friend once. His name was Van, and we would are you playing a violin during my backstory?"

Pinkie stopped fiddling for a second. "Do you want me to stop?"

Kitty hesitated for a second. "Nah, keep going, it works really well."

Pinkie nodded, and resumed her sad lament on the violin.

"As I was saying," Kitty went on. "I had a friend named Van. We'd always been together for as long as I can remember. He was like my older brother. I didn't think that anything could tear us apart, I didn't think that anyone could break the tie of our friendship...but she did."

"Who?"

"Her. His wife. Van didn't need a cute little catgirl friend once he was married. The thread of our friendship...withered away." Kitty grinned. "But they weren't so happy when I severed the ties binding them while they were standing at the altar! You should have seen the way the congregation gasped when they started fighting instead of saying their vows! That's when I decided that if I couldn't enjoy the warmth of friendship, then nobody would!"

Pinkie cocked her head. "Is that it?"

Kitty blinked. "Isn't that enough?"

"Don't you think it's just a little bit petty? I thought your backstory would be mroe profound."

Kitty scowled. "I get the feline that you're not taking this situation entirely seriously."

"I am so taking this seriously," Pinkie replied. "Can't you see that I'm Pinkie Pie-ning away with fear?"

Kitty folded her arms. "Really? Because so far you seem more like you're tickled Pinkie."

"But meeting you could turn out to be Cat-astrophic!"

"Quit horsing around, I haven't cat all day!"

"No fair, you're only supposed to use one pun at a time!"

"Well you didn't use any pun at all so I win!" Kitty declared. "And now, to celebrate my triumph, I will sever the threads of your friendship, Pinkie Pie! Hope you enjoy life all alone!" She leapt down off the back of the trailer, claws outstretched, and sliced at the multitude of threads that clustered around and spread out from Pinkie Pie.

And absolutely nothing happened. Not a single thread was snipped. Not a single crimson string was severed.

"Huh?" Kitty goggled in amazement. She plucked at one of the strings again. It didn't sever, it just vibrated with a twang like a banjo string.

Kitty plucked again. And again. Both times the string remained intact, and made that same banjo sound.

It was answered by more banjo sounds as Pinkie started plucking on her own strings with her fingers. She giggled. "Thanks for showing me these threads, this is pretty fun."

Kitty scowled, and plucked on a selection of Pinkie's threads to produce a musical melody.

Pinkie giggled again, as she plucked on some other threads to answer the melody.

Kitty started plucking at more threads, her claws moving faster and faster. Pinkie's fingers matched her speed, moving over the red strings as the cat and the pony started to play faster and faster, the music countering and complementing the other in a musical duel that only the two of them could hear.

Kitty glared at Pinkie. Pinkie smiled at Kitty. The two played on, their claws and fingers as blur as the music assailed their ears. Kitty started to sweat. Pinkie looked unfazed. Kitty started to pant. Pinkie's breath remained calm and even.

"How...are...you...doing...this?" Kitty demanded.

Pinkie shrugged.

Kitty's playing came to an abrupt stop. "I..." Kitty gasped for breath. "I don't get it. Why can't I sever your threads? I can sever everybody's threads!"

"Because no matter what happens, no matter how tough things get, I'll never turn my back on my friends," Pinkie declared. "Because my friends are my power!"

Kitty's eyes widened. "So this is why Raven was afraid of you." She pouted. "Never mind! Even if I can't sever the threads of your friendship I can still give you a kitty-kat makeover with my claws."

"Oh, I'm not going to fight you, Kitty."

"You think you've got a choice."

"I don't need to fight because I've got a secret weapon." Pinkie reached into her voluminous mass of hair and pulled out a giant ball of blue twine.

Kitty recoiled. "You wouldn't!"

"I would!"

"No!"

"Yep yep yep," Pinkie replied. "Here you go!" she rolled the ball of thread across the ground.

"Gimme!" Kitty cried as she dropped to all fours and leapt across the ground after the twine, batting the ball back and forth from one paw to another, purring contentedly as she played with it.

Pinkie ambled across the field towards her. Kneeling down beside the Friendship Bandit, she placed a hand on Kitty's shoulder. "Do you know what the four most special words ever are?"

Kitty looked up at her. "No."

Pinkie smiled. "I am your friend."

Kitty gasped. "You...you're kidding! You can't mean that!"

Pinkie's smile did not falter. "Just look down."

Kitty looked down. A single crimson thread joined the two of them together.

"Everybody deserves a friend," Pinkie said.

Kitty's lip trembled. Her blue eyes welled up with tears. "Thank you!" she yelled, and as a thread grew joining Kitty to Pinkie complementary to the first, Kitty threw herself on top of Pinkie, wrapping her arms around the pony's neck and swinging from side to side. "I'm not alone any more!" Kitty cried. "I'm not alone any more!"

There was a series of snapping, twanging sounds as every thread that Kitty Snip had severed snapped back into existence.

"Huh?" Sephora rubbed her head. "What...what just happened?"

"Pinkie?" Maud asked. "Are you okay?"

Pinkie smiled. "I'm just fine as long as you're fine, Maud."

Maud's eyes narrowed. "And who is that?"

Karima groaned. "I think that's something we'd all like to know."

Kitty ignored the suspicious glances of Maud and the Zebras (Maud could take over the band when Pinkie's solo career took off), because she was currently licking Pinkie's face even as she continued to dangle from around her neck.

"Everyone, this is my new friend Kitty Snip," Pinkie said brightly. "Now she oh, hello Princess Luna."

Everyone else jumped at the sudden appearance of Princess Luna, armed and garbed for war, just behind Pinkie.

Princess Luna, meanwhile, seemed a bit surprised at having been caught. Nevertheless she shook her head. "Pinkie Pie, thank my sister that you have returned! There is much to-"

"Princess Luna, Twilight's alive!" Pinkie cried.

"-discuss," Princess Luna concluded, rather limply. "How did you...never mind, come, a place of safety has been prepared for you."

"Hang on, just hang on a second," Karima demanded. "Are we at war or not?"

Princess Luna regarded her keenly. "A war may come, and very soon," she said. "But if or when it comes, I guarantee it will not be against the zebras."