I kicked open the castle door. “All right, you daughter of a bitch! Daddy’s home and he brought his belt!”
Maybe I should have made sure Gabby was home before bursting into the royal court like that.
I stood there in my power armor, holding the Trident above my head. I probably wouldn’t have been able to lift it without the suit, as it was a submarine-launched nuclear ballistic missile.
I looked around the room. The piles walnuts were still there, but the suit’s environmental filtering kept my histamines down. A couple of ponies had been in the middle of casually snacking when I’d burst in.
So yeah, Gabby was gone. Huh. And in her place was…
A stallion I thought I’d seen the last of. A guy who was a liar and probably also mentally unstable. It was Just Anne Actor.
And it honestly looked like he was doing a pretty good job of acting like Celestia. Hell, he was even wearing the crown and doing the princess wave and shit.
He saw me coming, though, and broke character. “What are you doing here!?”
“I came to kill Gabby griffon.” I raised a hoof and he cringed back. “And...Jesus Christ I...” I hesitated. “I never thought I’d actually be happy to see you. What the hell, bring it in you son of a bitch.”
He was kind of tense and nervous as we did the manly hug. To be fair, I was still wearing the burly metal power armor.
“How did you get here?” I asked, pulling back.
“That griffon asked me to act like Princess Celestia.”
I nodded. “Where did she go? Why did she leave?”
“I asked both of those questions.” He shrugged. “She said the castle wasn’t defensible and was going somewhere else.”
Shit. That was only going to make my job harder.
On the other hand, though, it looked like she was finally reacting to me for a change. Was it the Trident?
Maybe, but somehow I didn’t think so. Had she gotten wind of my longer term plans? Had she guessed what I was going to do before I even planned that I was going to do it?
I would have to consider it. I tromped out of the castle in my power armor and went for donuts.
Donut Joe’s place was a no-brainer. It was not only close to the castle, but pretty good. Not that donuts are bad. I’ve never met a donut I didn’t like.
Of course, now that I’ve said that, I’ll probably have to eat those words.
Mmm, words.
I walked in and sat down on a stool. Joe gave me a look, but honestly, I’d come into his shop before wearing things a lot more interesting than power armor.
What had him really concerned was the Trident, which took up the whole rest of the café. He didn’t say anything, though. I wondered briefly if he didn’t care enough to or if he was concerned about saying anything to a guy wearing power armor and carrying a nuclear missile.
I probably should have done something to reassure him that I was a nice guy. I ain’t gonna bite your head off, man. Just your donuts.
While I was tending to the aforementioned pastries, the door opened and Coco Pommel walked in. She looked like a wreck. Her dress was dirty and her mane was in knots. Not literal knots, just, you know, tangles. I guess I should have said tangles.
I do like knots, though. I was never a Boy Scout, but I think I know enough about knots to have gotten tied up in something. And out of it, too, because I’m good with knots.
Anyway, Coco looked a step above frazzled and sat down at the counter, ordering coffee in a quavering voice. As Joe went to get it, she turned to me and gave a little jump. “Valiant, what are you doing here?”
“Eating donuts,” I said. “What did you expect me to be doing in a donut shop?”
She shook her head. “I’m sorry, I...just...I had a rough few months.”
“Was it related to your fashion line debut?” I asked. I remember hearing that she had done so, and at the time thought it strange that nobody had been invited, not even Rarity. I mean, Rarity was the ocean by that point, but I would have thought the letter would at least have been sent.
“Yes,” Coco said. She lowered her voice and glanced around, even though the shop was empty except for me, her, Joe, and Trident. “I was kidnapped.”
“What happened?”
“Her name was Gabby. She-” Coco paused while Joe poured the coffee. Goddamnit, man, you ruined it just when things were getting good!
He saw my look and quickly walked away. Coco went on. “She held me blindfolded with my own clothes. Sometimes I was in a box or closet or something. Sometimes I was in a cage. Sometimes I was tied up.”
Well, she should have been better with knots.
“I don’t know why Gabby kept me like that,” said Coco.
“Honestly, I’m kind of surprised she didn’t kill you.”
Coco flinched, and I hastened to add, “And glad. Surprised and glad.”
It was a really good question, though. Why had Gabby merely kidnapped Coco? Where was Gabby now?
“Did she just let you go?” I asked.
Coco nodded. “She said she was changing plans.”
“Did she say what she was changing them to?”
“Something about islands?” Coco frowned, trying to remember. “Maybe vacation?”
I frowned along with her. Islands?
We both finished our respective snacks and went our separate ways. I took the Trident back to Rarity.
However, when I arrived, something was wrong. Her water swirled a bunch of colors that didn’t look like healthy ecology. Not that I would know anything about that.
“What’s up with you?” I asked.
“It’s horrible!” she pouted. “I don’t know where these industrial chemicals are coming from, but I can’t stand it! Fish are dying everywhere. Do you know how that smells?”
“Nope, the air in this power armor is pretty fresh,” I said.
“Valiant, when I complain about things, I generally do it to get sympathy,” she explained, teeth sounding clenched if she had any.
“Oh, sorry. You know I’m new to this whole being a nice guy thing.”
She sighed. “Yes, I suppose you are. For what it’s worth, I can see you’re making an effort.”
I glanced at the water again. “I was going to ask you to hang onto this Trident again, but I don’t know what those chemicals would do for corrosion.”
“I don’t know what they’re doing to the rest of me,” she grumped.
“Can you control it, like swirl it or make it sparkly or something?”
“I...well, I do suppose it’s a little more interesting than plain blue,” she allowed. “I can do something festive for Mares Day.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s when you give flowers to the mares in your life.”
“I don’t know any mares who would think something as pointless and short-lived as flowers were a good gift.”
“Valiant, you’re a real charmer, you know?” she said flatly. “We could go back to talking about how I’m now a polluted cesspool.”
“Well, at least now fish aren’t shitting in you any more.”
I loaded back up into the VTOL and flew back to Ponyville. On the way, I glanced at the missile. “Well, I guess we’re stuck together, then.”
Back in Ponyville, I headed for the library. There was a standalone terminal there. I’d given Twilight an old computer to use as a digital card catalog. It wasn’t connected to any network because Twilight didn’t yet have a barcode system or anything else, just the electronic records.
The reason I needed it was precisely that: no network, no hacking. If I was going to search for Gabby, I didn’t want her to know I was onto her.
I went over to the library with some digital copies of overhead imagery of Equestria. Twilight saw me come in. I indicated the computer. “I was just going to use this. Your USB ports are enabled, right?”
She frowned as I took out my memory stick. “Why is your flash drive shaped like a cross?”
I grinned and started to reply, but she cut me off. “Is this a joke about how Jesus Saves?”
“Screw you!” I crossed my hooves. “It’s about the persistence of memory, thank you very much.” She’d apparently been doing private study with Bible pretty hard.
I turned to the computer and began going through the pictures, looking for islands.
“Um, Valiant?”
“What?”
“Why did you bring a nuclear missile with you?”
“What, a guy can’t carry a Trident for self defense?”
“Against what?”
I looked at her. I didn’t say anything, I just looked. Some sass.
She sighed and rolled her eyes. “I don’t want that thing in my house.”
“Twilight, if you’re worried about getting caught in the crossfire, it isn’t going to matter if it’s in your house or not.”
Twilight walked away, grumbling under her breath. Finally. It only took a couple of megatons of MIRV’d warhead to get some damn peace and quiet around this library.
I looked at the satellite photos for a while. Equestria had some islands. Most countries do. Which island Gabby might have been talking about was like looking for fish in a barrel: they were right there. My problem was which one.
It got frustrating after a while and I headed for the Half Pint.
Walking into the pub, I saw Rainbow down at the end of the bar. She looked rough, as if she wasn’t sleeping fourteen hours a day like she usually did. Her wings needed a preen. Her mane, usually windswept, looked even worse than usual. Her eyes were bloodshot, and there was a cocktail in front of her.
“‘Sup?” I said, chipper.
She threw a glare at me and returned to her drink.
Guinness stood on the other side of the bar, polishing a glass. He’d already served my tequila and I lifted the glass. “What’s up with her? Why is she here? I thought you guys were divorced.”
“Only drinking establishment in town,” he said.
Rainbow mumbled something and took a sip.
“What was that?” I asked.
“Stupid Wonderbolts,” she muttered.
“Wow, some life you’ve had,” I said. “Walk out on your husband and kid, the unhealthy lesbian relationship you thought you were getting into was terminated by Pinkie’s death, Pinkie was also your best friend, you’re alone on Mares Day, and now the Wonderbolts have kicked you out.”
“No!” Rainbow shouted, suddenly animated. “They didn’t kick me out! I’m a Wonderbolt!” She gritted her teeth and swung back to her drink. “Just...the Wonderbolts don’t exist anymore.”
News to me. “Oh really? What happened?”
“Something happened to the base. When I showed up for the meeting, Wind Rider told me that someone had taken it over and they’d already lost a few ponies just trying to find out who or what it was. Last I saw of the place, whoever was inside was pouring out the weather supplies.”
Wait, like liquid rainbow? Was that what had been dumped into Rarity? Maybe that was why she was turning colors.
Also, I suddenly remembered Wonderbolts HQ was a floating island.
I grinned. Just like that, we were back in business.
I frowned. Just like that, Gabby had her own floating island fortress.