//------------------------------// // Season 2, Episode Three: The Hostage Situation // Story: If The Emperor was in Equestria // by The Warmaster //------------------------------// “Emperor, please get out of my throne!” Twilight growled, glaring at the massive gold-armored human currently lounging in her seat, observing the map with very little interest. “I have told you repeatedly to find something to do that's actually productive!” ”Look, Purple, there is nothing in this forsaken planet that could ever require my personal attention. I honestly expected some of the outside galaxy to find and murderfuck this place at least once, but so far not a single Ork, Edgy-Mcfuckbucket Marine, or even those smug pointy-eared bitchslappers have so much as set foot upon this soil. I haven't been this bored in a long while.” The Emperor responded, chomping down on an apple before tossing the other half at Twilight, who caught it in her magic, a growl escaping her throat. “Well, maybe you should go take a look around?” She said, her patience dwindling rapidly. “I already had to deal with the aftermath of your little ‘walk’, but I'm sure that if you actually got off your flank and walk around town, you might actually find something to do!” ”By the way, who was that white pony that came in here earlier?” The Emperor asked. “That was Nurse Redheart. An entire class of students at the nearby school came down with the Horsey Hives, and they wanted me to cheer them all up.” Twilight explained, before blinking. “Hey, don't change the subject! This is serious!” ”Horsey Hives…?” The Emperor asked, before groaning. ”And I thought your cities had terrible names… also, you're gonna have company in three… two…” There was a knock on the castle door, and Twilight huffed angrily, giving The Emperor one last glare before trotting to the door and, after pressing a hoof to her chest, breathing in and out, and extending her hoof outwards, she opened the door. “Surprise!” A male voice echoed through the mostly empty castle, and the Emperor glanced over to see a white stallion unicorn with an almost comically disheveled blue mane, as well as an abhorrently pink alicorn with an equally disheveled purple mane appear on the other side of the doorway, with a small white baby alicorn in a stroller between them. “Oh my gosh!” Twilight squeed, practically jumping over to the tiny little baby, which giggled and reached out as Twilight nuzzled her. “How's my favorite niece?” “We were… uh, hoping you could take care of her for a few hours, Twilly.” The stallion said, grinning sheepishly. “We hope you aren't too busy…” The Alicorn said, rubbing the back of her head. “Busy?” Twilight playfully scoffed. “Psh, would the best Aunt ever be too busy to pway with this adowable wittle one?” ”I could look after her. Twilight’s got a few things to-” The Emperor said, but was interrupted as hundreds of books piled over him, silencing him entirely. “I wouldn't let you within ten feet of my adorable niece!” Twilight growled, dispelling her magic before turning back to the other two. “O-oh, don't worry. He’s a intergalactic overlord, he isn't going to be beaten by a few books.” “Hey, Twilight!” Spike called, rushing up to the group. “I was making that list you told me to, when Celestia sent a letter for Mister Emperor!” “Could you dig him out and give it to him, Spike?” Twilight asked, glancing over at the pile of books. “I don't want to lose those, and you can just give the letter to him.” “Alright, Twi.” Spike then noticed the other two and the baby. “Oh, hey Cadence, Shining Armor. How's the family?” “Just great…” Shining muttered, but Spike had stopped paying attention as he rushed over to the pile, removing books as fast as he could get his claws on them. ”So what's this letter for?” The Emperor asked, once he had been dug out. “Apparently Celestia wants to meet with you immediately.” Spike said, shrugging as he handed the letter to The Emperor. “I'd recommend going, it seems pretty urgent.” ”Well, I suppose. Thank you, Serf.” The Emperor said, before teleporting away. “Well, now that that's done, I should go get Twilight so we can get the stuff for the class…” Canterlot Castle, a few minutes later Celestia sighed, glancing to the empty blue throne next to hers in worry. “I hope he can help…” ”Help with what, Sunnybunny?” The Emperor’s voice asked, and she yelped as he appeared in front of her. ”So what did you want my help with?” “You seem… almost happy.” Celestia said cautiously, looking at him with suspicion, before having to look away from the glaring light emanating from his head. “Are you really the Emperor?” ”Yes I fucking am, you dumbass.” The Emperor said indignantly, crossing his armored arms and looking away. ”Who the fuck else could pop this fucking planet with a snap of my fingers?” “Well, besides me, I guess the only culprit of such a heinous act would be you, Mister Anathame.” Another voice echoed through the hall, and the unsightly visage of Discord appeared in a flash of light, holding a small button in his hand that read ‘Exterminatus’ on the glowing red center. “Why are you here, Discord?” Celestia asked, looking at the serpentine resident Embodiment of Chaos in confusion. “What, am I not allowed to visit my dear old friend, Celly?” Discord asked, pulling a photo album out from behind reality. “And to think, we were such great teen-buddies back in college…” He flicked through the book, before pushing a page in front of the Emperor’s face, pointing to a picture of a clearly drunk teenage Celestia, her forelegs wrapped around a younger Discord. The image of Discord then shifted, winking at the Emperor cheekily. “She was such a great kisser, too.” “None of that happened, Discord.” Celestia groaned, placing a hoof between her eyes and horn. “I'm quite certain colleges weren't invented until long after my teenage years, not to mention the fact that cameras weren't invented until year 508 ANM.” ”You had better be telling the truth, or I will consider running my sword straight through your giraffe neck for consorting with the Daemons of Chaos in such a manner.” The Emperor declared, his hand resting on the pommel of his sword menacingly. “A-anyways, Emperor, I called you her today because… my sister has been kidnapped.” Celestia coughed, putting the conversation back on track. ”Why don't you just send Twilight?” The Emperor asked. “Because, Emperor, this seems to be something that would require your attention…” Celestia sighed, pulling out a letter that was very crumpled and messed up. She passed it to the Emperor, who uncrumpled it and began to read Dearest Sister, and to any she may have requested aid from, The once adorable little green things that, in days past, my sister had tried to destroy, have turned quite violent, and, after becoming massive green monstrosities, have now taken me hostage, and request that you deliver to them, ‘all of ya shiny bits’. I have been forced to write this letter, even though I would have anyway, in secret, to plead for my eventual rescue. Please save me, Luna. ”So Luna’s been kidnapped by Orks… great.” The Emperor sighed, setting fire to the letter, and turning to look at Celestia. ”Are you sure we can't just leave her? I mean, you raised the sun and the moon for a thousand years.” “No, Emperor, we cannot.” Celestia sighed in irritation. “My sister is now a pivotal part of our government, and losing her would be a devastating loss. And we cannot accept this ransom, because then Equestria would be in an economical crisis. So, I decided to look to you for help.” “For once I agree with bright and shiny.” Discord shrugged. “Lulu’s a bit too dark and brooding for my tastes. Besides, she breaks easy.” He coiled around Celestia, his grin unnerving. “But you’re much more fun, dearest Celestia~.” “Discord, go back to whatever activities Fluttershy had you do.” Celestia shivered, pushing the chaotic entity away from her. “I personally would not like to remember what you did before your first imprisonment.” “Oh fine, Celestia.” Discord sighed, snapping his fingers and making a wooden door appear. “But expect to see some pictures appear next to your bedroom!” He called, leaping through the doorway, which quickly condensed into a tight yellow ball, before disappearing with a ‘pop!’ “Now then, Emperor…” Celestia sighed, looking back to the golden being. “If you recover Luna, I will reward you.” ”You have nothing I want.” The Emperor said blatantly, and Celestia sighed. “Fine… name your price.” She muttered. “An hour a week with pinkicorn’s baby.” The Emperor shrugged. At Celestia’s surprised expression, he shrugged again. ”I haven't had any proper social interaction for millennia. If nothing else, let me have an hour to talk to a fucking baby.” “I… didn't see you as the father type.” Celestia replied after a moment. “You’re not going to kill Flurry Heart, are you?” ”What kind of a monster do you think I fucking am? Babies are fucking adorable, and I want to spend time with one.” The Emperor shrugged. ”Besides, I need someone who will actually listen to me for once.” “...fine, I'm sure I can arrange something with Cadence and Shining Armor…” Celestia sighed, shaking her head. “Just deal with the Orks, and make sure my sister returns unharmed.” ”Fine. I can sense her, so I'll be back in a little bit.” The Emperor sighed, drawing his sword, before vanishing through a tear in reality. somewhere hidden near Canterlot Deep in the forest next to Canterlot Mountain, a group of large, brutish green humanoids lumbered around a shoddily made camp, wielding poorly made stone axes and shields, and wearing wooden armor. “Oi, when’z den horsies gonna get us der shiny bits?” One of the tusked beasts asked its counterpart, who in turn smashed him over the head with his shield. “Dun question da Warboss’s plan. We’z is gunna get der shiny bits, den we’ll all use em ta build a supah shiny supahship! Den we’z is gunna crush all da horsies on dis ‘ere planet, den move on.” The brute growled, its beady red eyes glancing over to the dark blue alicorn sitting in a poorly made cage. “Da Wierdboy’ll keep dat Horsey calm, so we’z dun need ta worry ‘bout it gittin out.” He pointed to another of the brutes, who’s skull had apparently been broken apart to reveal the creatures horrid brain atop it's scalp. “Where’d we even get dat Wierdboy from anyway?” The first of the green-skinned behemoths asked, before picking up an odd smell. “Oi, is sumfing burnin’?” ”You will be, in a few seconds.” A deep voice growled, and the creatures turned towards the woods surrounding them, only for a gold and very much on fire sword to drive straight into the chest of the first one, ignoring its shoddy chestplate almost completely as a massive golden claw tore into the second one, blood spilling out from their wounds as the Emperor withdrew his weapons, now slick with the blood of the creatures. ”You Orks are absolutely terrible with hostage situations.” “Oh yeh? Den whot would you ‘ave done?!” One of the Orks called as the rest of the Orks in the camp mobbed towards him, almost drowning the question in their hoots and hollers for a fight. ”Well first,” The Emperor began, swinging his blade and separating the heads of the first Orks to meet him, sending their shocked faces spiraling in the air before falling down behind the encroaching mob. ”I would have taken more hostages. Then I’d threaten the people I want something from with the death of a hostage if my demands aren't met in a certain amount of time.” He backhanded an Ork trying to get behind him with his claw, the simple motion shattering the Greenskin’s bones and smashing it into a nearby wall. ”Then, if my demands still aren't met, I'll start killing hostages faster until there's only the most important hostage left.” “Huh… e’s kinda got a point…” The Ork that had spoken up earlier muttered, before getting cut down the middle by the Emperor’s sword, both sides of the Ork falling to the ground as its intestines and blood poured into the world. There were only a few more Orks left, and the Emperor cut through the ones who hadn't begun to flee as quickly as possible. He glanced at the ones who had turned to run, using his not-divine powers to burn them to ash within an instant. He then dealt with the rest by folding Reality itself around his claw, pulling on the fabric of existence itself to drag the space in which the three or four fleeing Orks existed in closer to the golden giant, before letting go. Reality righted itself within moments, the folds created by the Emperor’s grip unfolding and ripping the Orks apart as they had suddenly found themselves existing in multiple places at once. “It's about time you showed up…” Luna muttered from within her cage, which soon fell apart on its own. “Those Orks show a surprising resistance to magic, and-” ”Good for you. I need to burn these bodies.” The Emperor interrupted, before using his powers to light the entire camp on fire, burning away any trace of the Ork’s existence, including their corpses. “Wh-what are you doing?!” Luna yelped, taking flight to avoid the hot touch of the flames. “You'll burn down the entire forest!” ”It's better than letting any trace of these things survive.” The Emperor replied, walking away even as, true to Luna’s word, the trees surrounding the camp caught fire as well. “But you killed them already! Why do you insist on burning their bodies?” The Princess of the Night demanded, landing in front of him. ”Because they reproduce like fungus.” The Emperor stated blandly, before glancing at her. ”They didn't touch you, did they?” “They carried me here after knocking me out, but- wait, don't use your powers to change the subject! What you're doing is going to force dozens, if not hundreds, of animals to lose their homes!” ”Right. You're going to need to burn as well.” The Emperor stated, pointing his clawed hand at her. And she burst into flames. “I thank you for saving Luna, Emperor… though why does she not have a coat?” Celestia asked, draping a wing around her still smoking sister, who now had very little fur to be seen, and was also quite irritated. ”Orks reproduce like mushrooms. Anything they touch has new spores, and will eventually grow into more Orks. I burned away all traces of it from her fur, leaving her skin intact. She’ll be fine in a few days.” “More like a few months…” Celestia sighed, turning back to the Emperor. “Also, I should note that in the process of destroying the Orks, you burned down the forest they were in.” She sighed. “I shouldn't have to tell you that this was something you shouldn't have done.” ”Only way to get rid of all the Ork Spores.” The Emperor shrugged. “...and displacing at least a hundred woodland animals. Not to mention destroying one of the sources for Equestria’s wood industry.” Celestia continued, reading off of a list she had created. “Irreparable damage to an entire ecosystem, and violating several other laws focused around the preservation of Equestria’s natural beauty.” ”Would you rather lose some wood, or lose an entire planet?” The Emperor asked. “Irrelevant, Emperor. Laws are laws, and you have not only destroyed the livelihoods of dozens of ponies, but also broken many laws. You are going to have to pay for these damages.” ”How fucking much?” The Emperor asked, irritated at the mere notion he had to pay someone else anything. “All in all, the total damages would force you to pay… three thousand, seven hundred and twenty six bits.” Celestia concluded. “So… I’d say a wall and a half out of your throne room.” “Wait, what about me?!” Luna asked, pointing to her furless body. “This is an assault on one of Equestria’s Monarchs! Surely he should pay at least seven years imprisonment, or being banished to the moon!” “I'm sorry, Luna, but even you must realize that we could only detain him if he wanted to be detained… and even then, only until he got bored.” Celestia sighed, looking down at her. “Even demanding he pay with the gold in his Throne Room is risky. So please, simply wait until your fur regrows.” ”I don't really care if you remove some of the gold. I'll just replace it later.” The Emperor shrugged, earning looks from both of them. “...how?” They asked in unison. The Emperor looked between them, and shrugged again. ”fourth degree Warp fuckery.” was his answer. Somewhere beneath the Everfree Forest “Accursed earthen prison, why do you continue to deny me my freedom?!” The armored figure growled after his tunnel to the surface had once again collapsed. “I must reach my father, and your feeble attempts to deny me this have begun to anger me!” He kicked at the dirt mound where his tunnel had once been, and only caused more dirt to fall. He stepped away, his sight unimpeded by the darkness of the chamber as he sat back down in his ancient throne, putting a gauntleted hand to his head. “If my father is truly upon the surface, then have I somehow made it to Terra?” He asked to no one, for nothing aside from him was sentient in the eternal chamber. “It shouldn't be possible… so perhaps he has come to my world? But that would mean he has finally healed from his wounds from Horus…” After another moment of thought, he began to remake his tunnel, trying even harder to clear a path to the surface.