//------------------------------// // Ch 7: Tensions // Story: Torn // by pixelbit5 //------------------------------// The events of last night just keep playing over and over in my head, distant yet clear as ever. I'm not sure what to do... I woke up early in the morning, hours and hours before anyling else. I don't even remember getting myself back to bed, but I had the forethought to shift back into my disguise. It didn't really feel right to just lay there and try to get back to sleep, so I headed down into the library and started sorting out the returns. I'm probably overreacting, I know that, and it's probably going to be completely fine, but I just can't shake the feeling that something is about to come up. Heck, I'd be surprised if nothing happened at all. I've basically been the living embodiment of Murphy's law lately anyway. So I've just been trudging around the library, aided by lamplight, doing an odd job or two. I'm honestly surprised at how fast I can get these things done when I'm trying to take my mind off of something. So far I've sorted the returns, dusted the entire reference section, tidied the reading areas and fixed a wobbly table. There's really nothing much to do here. I did most of the big jobs yesterday anyway. I slump into a beanbag chair, unable to really feel proud of a job well done. It just feels... empty. Like it's not real. I wasn't doing the jobs for the end result, I was doing them for what they let me get away from. I feel... stuck. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, and I hate myself for it... I'm supposed to be this unbreakable changeling warrior, free from compassion and emotion, yet I break down in tears as soon as I'm found out. But it's not like I haven't been found out before, I mean, I've been chased out of both Vanhoover and Manehatten before, dodging magic bolts and kamikaze pegasi. So why did I have that kind of reaction this time? It just doesn't make sense! If I was able to put those behind me, why not this one? And here I am acting like I don't know... I know exactly why I don't just jump ship and come back in a month with a new coat of paint. It's because these ponies are the only ones that have ever really shown any sort of real consideration. Sure, they're not really doing it for me, just this stupid persona I've chosen for myself, but still... The ponies I had dealt with before were cold, jealous, letting their power and nobility get into their heads. The would never have given me the time of day if I hadn't pretended to be just like them... To these ponies, I matter more than I ever did to those disgusting nobles. They don't want my money or influence, they just want me... Black Light... ... I've never really felt before. I was always trained to just stare straight ahead while the ones who stood before me fell, to not give a thought to the creatures discarded after they had served their purpose. I was born into the role I play, and I never really questioned it. If anything, the fact that I was born with the specific duty to infiltrate and destabilize only reinforced the idea that what I was doing was right... but now, I'm pretty sure I've clearly established that I'm having more than a million doubts. ...These creatures, they feel more like family than family ever did... I think something that everyone tends to forget is that changeling hives, we're a colony first, an army second, and a family never. We work together to build the hive, we all strike as one against our enemies, but we're never ever a family. I may have my brothers and sisters, as well as a mother that many would probably say they would love to have, but... there's no love there. None of us really care... and l never questioned it. My siblings had their jobs, I had mine. Obey the hive and everything would turn out okay in the end… ...I hate it. I hate my family, I hate my queen, and I hate that my natural form is... this. Jagged, gleaming chitin, forged only to protect a dark, soulless interior. I don't want this. Not anymore. "Black Light?" My throat catches and I quickly turn my head to see a tired looking Starlight Glimmer gently rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. The early morning sun is beginning to softly filter into the castle, gently casting dancing lights onto the wall behind her, making her bedraggled bedhead mane almost... wait, no, 'decent' would be too generous... "Are you alright? It's just past 5 in the morning." Starlight asks, stifling a yawn. I sigh and shake my head softly. "Just... figuring some things out I guess..." I say quietly as Starlight heads over to me. "Do you…" she fidgets next to me as she moves to sit down on the beanbag next to me. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asks hesitantly. I shake my head again and stare at my hooves. "No… It's…" I try to find the words without coming across as cliché or something stupid like that. "complicated." Cliché and stupid. Great. I hear Starlight exhale heavily next to me, and feel a wave of relief radiate from her. "Okay, yeah." she mutters, nodding slowly. Chuckling, I turn to look at her. "Relieved?" Starlight's eyes widen and she begins to fidget even more. "I…" she starts, before sighing. "Yeah… Am I really that easy to read?" Oh, trust me Glim-Glam, it's not hard, even for a non-empath. I try to give my best warm smile, ignoring the fact that I have next to no idea what it Tartarus that's supposed to look like. Pretty sure I'm successful, because she's not slapping me with a foals' picture book. "You'd be surprised." I mutter quietly, looking back down at my hooves. We sit together quietly for a moment, not really doing anything in particular. I guess I just enjoy her company, despite her apparent nervousness around me. Not entirely sure what her deal with me is, and I don't have much to base it on, seeing as I don't have a file on her, but I'm sure it'll come up in conversation eventually. "What were you doing up so early anyway?" I ask Starlight quietly, my voice loud and clear in the absolute silence of the library. Starlight chuckles softly. "I was heading off to help Trixie prepare for her act at the festival in a few days. She's got a lot planned, and I honestly don't think I've seen her so excited before." She stares out the window, the sun having finally rose over the town. "She's adorable when she gets worked up like this." I nod slowly. "I'm not keeping you?" I ask. "Oh, no, don't worry about it." Starlight waves a hoof at me. "I've got plenty of time. I planned to leave early so I didn't have to worry about being late. I guess Twilight is just rubbing off on me." "Maybe…" I say as Starlight guts up off of her beanbag and begins to move towards the door. She pauses for a moment before she reaches it though, turning back to me. "Hey, Black Light? If you ever do decide you want to talk about whatever it is that's bothering you, you can always talk to me, alright?" If only it was that simple, Glimmer. I give a smile and a nod, feeling the care Starlight feels for me radiate throughout the room. It's a funny feeling, really. I know what it feels like, a pony's care for one another, but that's never really directed at me, you know? Always the pony I was disguised as. And I guess that it's still the same as it's always been, but now it just feels different. I don't know. Almost all of the other times I've taken on the mantle of a pony, it's always been someling else. A colleague, a parent, a student, just somepony not... me. I've always had to pretend to be somepony else, but when I was given the chance to create a character of my own, I guess I just made... me... And Starlight cares about me... Watching Starlight head off into the main hall, I lounge back in my beanbag. Maybe I should go too, or Twi might start getting suspicious about me repeatedly skipping meals. At least then I won't have to deal with Spike and what happened last night... Eh. I've still got a while. I can feel Twilight and Spike still sleeping up in their rooms. I think I'll just leave a note or something, Twilight'll understand. Plus, I've still got to go house hunting. Can't keep crashing here for the rest of my life. Yeah. I'll do that. But until then, I don't think a snooze would hurt, seeing as I was up since three in the morning or something ridiculous like that. "Hey, thanks for helping me out with this, Mayor." I say as Ivory and I leisurely trot along the outskirts of Ponyville's suburbs. "Oh, it really is no trouble." she says, waving me off with a hoof. "I'm just happy to help out our newest citizen." She seems chipper, and strangely happy to help me out… I don't get these creatures. We've been walking around for maybe an hour now, checking out any houses that the mayor would think I'd like. I think it's safe to say though that she really has no idea what I like. "You sure this house isn't like the other two?" I ask as we head over to the last house in Ponyville. "What was wrong with the others?" I sigh. "Well, the first one was shaped like a gigantic boombox," The mayor shrugged. "Don't blame me, that used to be Vinyl's house before she moved in with her marefriend!" "And the second one was right next to Sugarcube corner. I don't think I could deal living next door to Pinkie Pie." She nodded. "Yeah, Pinkie can be too much for some… But never mind that! I think this next house will be just to your liking!" Honestly, I'm still sceptical. "No gimmicks?" I ask. Don't really feel like living inside a house shaped like a giant corn cob or something. The mayor just smiles and politely shakes her head. "No crazy neighbours?" I ask again. Ivory just giggles and shakes her head again. "At least not compared to Pinkie," she says as we round the final corner. I smile softly. "Well alright then." I finish. Knowing this town, the house is still going to look like a grub's playset, but really, I'm fine as long as it looks relatively normal. The mayor chuckles as we round the corner, leading me down a short dirt road that leads out into the fields surrounding Ponyville. The simple street is bordered by a couple houses, some ordinary, or as close to ordinary as you could get in this town, some fairly unique. Heck, one of the houses is shaped like a giant cardboard box with a wonky mailbox out front. Sure, it looks fairly… precarious, but like many of the other houses in this weird little fantasy town, it does look rather inviting… "So," I say, scanning the street quickly, taking note of many of the houses lining the street. "which one would you like to show me?" Ivory sighs, smiling at me. "Mr. Light," she says, flourishing her hoof. "welcome home." She gestures towards a house that I had hardly even noticed, if I'm being completely honest. It had cream yellow walls with a bright red roof topping its two stories. The garden out front was neat, but not extravagant, a white picket fence bordering the relatively small yard, and the single lamppost on the sidewalk somehow made it feel more… bright, I guess. It was completely unremarkable, perfectly unnoticeable, nicely homey, and really, it just looked… perfect. A little cliché, but perfect nonetheless. I smile, my eyes lighting up as I kept my gaze locked on the little house. The mayor chuckles lightly. "I understand you like it?" she asked somewhat smugly. I smile and nod, giving her a genuine smile. Those seem to be getting more frequent lately. Ugh, this town is boring its way into my brain. "Why don't we have a look inside?" she said, beginning down the path to the front door. I quickly match her pace as she unlocks the front door with a tiny silver key. The door swings open, revealing a small seating area with a couple pale green couches surrounding a simple and unassuming rug. An empty bookshelf rests on the back wall, next to a doorway that looks like it leads to a neat little kitchen and dining area. Okay, so far so good. No crazy gimmicks here. Wandering up the stairs, I find myself in a massive bedroom that seems to take up most of the second floor… Really, I just think that it looks like someone shoved a bed into what was supposed to be a living area. The room is sparsely decorated, the only real items of interest being the bed and vanity, and the empty closet embedded into the wall. Overall, the entire house is sort of boring, but I really think it might be a good kind of boring. I can just imagine myself slowly collecting trinkets to shove on the shelves, books for the bookcase, and pictures for the walls, and I really think this place could really start feeling like home… My home. Stepping past the bed, I head out onto a tiny little balcony that looks out onto the fields behind the house. It really is quite nice here… I lean out into the air and feel the wind on my coat. It's an alien feeling really, me being used to cold, hard chitin most of the time, but I really think I like this even more. Closing my eyes, I can even imagine myself soaring through the air, wind in my wings. Heh. Maybe if I'd picked a pegasus… "I take it you enjoy this house?" Ivory asks, softly snapping me out of my little daydream. "Or would you like to give casa de boombox another look over?" I chuckle. "Oh gods no, that was definitely too much for me…" I smile and stare back out into the fields of outer Ponyville, the mayor joining me, draping her forehooves over the railing. "I think this place is just perfect for me…" They mayor beams. "Excellent! I look forward to seeing you as a permanent resident of our wonderful little town! Of course, we can discuss payment later. No rush after all!" I nod slowly, enjoying the feeling of finally beginning to fit in. This isn't like back at the hive, where I was just some unseen part in a massive machine, this is real, better. Here, I matter, and I love it. "Welcome to Ponyville, Black Light." "Sooooo..." I murmur as I sit across the table from Spike. "Sooooo..." he replies, easily as uneasy as I am. It's radiating from both of us, filling the castle living room just as much as the painfully awkward silence. Tastes a bit bitter if I'm going to be completely honest... Spike is quietly nursing a glass of mineral water while I'm just forced to sit here with my hooves crossed, eyes looking anywhere but the one pony in this town that knows my secret. The fact that he happens to be a dragon is really just a footnote at this point. I was just heading back to the castle after getting my housing situation sorted with the mayor, and I guess I just really wanted to break the news to Twilight. I dunno, I was riding high or something. But I guess life decided to throw me another curveball because I just happened to run onto a certain little someone. Really, I would rather be just about anywhere else right now, but I guess my little dragon problem needed to be dealt with eventually, and I guess now is as good a time as any, right? "So do I call you Peek, or-" "Black Light is just fine, Spike." I cut him off. He nods slowly and takes another sip of his mineral water. After a moment, I sigh, running a hoof through my mane. "Listen Spike, I don't want things to be awkward between us forever. And I know what you saw isn't something you can just forget, but I just want you to give me a chance." Spike listens without a word, but struggles to meet my eye. He's conflicted, and I really can't blame him. He's seen who I really am, and who I really am is a jagged, black monster built foe deceit. There's a reason why our kind is hated among ponyfolk, a reason why our mother is a scary nightmare night story. We're monsters, the villains of the piece. Always have been, always will be. "Promise me one thing." Spike speaks, still not meeting my eyes. He's had a lot of time to think, mulling things over in his head. "Promise me to never hurt Twilight." "I would never." I say resolutely, shaking my head. "She was the first pony to treat me like I mattered, and that means more to me than you could ever know. I promise, from the bottom of my heart that I will never in a million years hurt Twilight Sparkle." Spike smiles lightly and looks up from the table, finally meeting my eyes. He seems satisfied, and the tension in the air lifts slightly. "Alright..." Spike says. "I trust you, Black Light..." I return his smile, watching him finish off his mineral water. "What's it like?" Spike asks quietly before I can get up to leave. "Being a changeling I mean." Sitting back down, I chew on the inside of my cheek before answering. It's not really something I've discussed with anyling, despite the fact that it's basically always on my mind. "Ponies tend to think of us as emotionless parasites..." I say slowly, mulling over my words for a second. "Sometimes, I think they might not be entirely wrong… The hive mind is powerful, boring into your mind and telling you your place. You're not really given any freedom in the hive. You're just… there. And you're fine with it. I mean, it's all you've ever known, but… you might as well not exist." Spike stares at me, frowning. I've long since let my gaze fall to the floor, shoulders sagging as I paw at the carpet. "What about Thorax's hive?" Spike asks. "Why not go join them?" My eyes narrow. "Oh, do not get me started on those pretentious, lovey-dovey traitors..." I almost growl, my fangs showing for a second. Spike shrinks back for a second before relaxing as best he can. Seriously dude, I think we've established that I'm not going to kill you, abduct you, or anything of the sort. Chill. "Sore subject?" Spike asks, and I grumble a barely audible response, resting my head back on the table. The tension in the room rises again as silence reigns for a couple more seconds, before Spike briefly chews on a claw and asks "I thought your kind of changeling was almost wiped out when Thorax took the throne. How can you exist?" I grumble. "Keyword, almost. That stupid sparkle moose might have gotten hundreds of my brothers and sisters into his love-drunk conglomerate, but some of us decided to stay loyal to our mother." I shift a forehoof back into its natural form, staring at its jagged, jarring exterior. "But now, this stupid little town has got me questioning if I made the right choice…" "So do you think you might stay here?" Spike asks. "With me, Twilight and the others?" I shrug, shifting my hoof back into its disguise. "I dunno… I was sent here to do a job, but now that we've established that I'm not exactly going to do that, I'm not really sure…" I smile. "I mean, I like you guys. You guys treat me like a pony instead of a changeling, and I love you guys for it, but the hive is my family, and I can't exactly turn my back on them. And if I do, I'll no doubt have someling coming after me." Spike screws up his snout and nods. "Why not just tell Twilight and the gang that you're a changeling? I'm sure she'll understand and try to help you out." I sigh. "Have you seen what we've done to her? We've kidnapped her, her friends and her family multiple times, we hypnotized her brother, and we've launched attacks on her home on more than one occasion. Forgive me for saying this, but I really don't think Twilight would be willing to help someling like me…" Spike gives me the best pity smile he can muster. "At least you still have me, right?" As much as I don't want to, I chuckle, and reach over to ruffle his spines. "Heh, yeah. At least I still have you." Spike proceeds to stand, taking his empty glass with him, and having nothing better to do, I join him. "Wait, why didn't Queen Chrysalis just come here herself?" "She can't stand Twilight. Wouldn't be able to spend more than five minutes around her without killing someone." "Huh… Makes sense…"