//------------------------------//
// Chapter 44 - Diamonds 
// Story: Sensation (SFW Version) 
// by Vivid Syntax 
//------------------------------//

I sat there, paralyzed, staring at my coltfriend. My blood pumped through my body, trying to warm me but running cold. My wings were stiff. My neck ached, and the heaviness that I usually liked in the morning just weighed me down more and more as the seconds ticked by. I wanted time to stop. He couldn't leave me if I didn't progress past that one moment. He was still my Applebutt. 

My heart faltered. 'I can't let him go.'

But as soon as I had that thought, I remembered what living in Cloudsdale was doing to him. The last few days had been magical, but I wondered how long it would take for us to slip back into bad habits. I couldn’t keep him from drinking forever, and he couldn't keep me from being controlling and paranoid. I gave it a week, tops, before it would come to a head again.

And I wouldn't do that to him. My eyes watered almost immediately, but I cleared my throat and said a raspy, "I love you, too, Braeburn."

Braeburn nodded his head towards the window. "Can you, uh…" He spoke slowly and softly, and he kept looking down at his hooves. "S-sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't stutter or–" He closed his eyes tightly, took a breath, and met my gaze. As he straightened his shoulders, he said clearly, "Can you join me? Please? I have somethin' I need to say." 

There was a half-second of silence, and Braeburn's posture collapsed. He laughed half-heartedly and brought the brim of his hat over his eyes. I could still see his lip quiver. "H-heh," he chuckled, covering a sob. "Even though you already know what it is." He set his hoof down without looking up. "Soarin', why we doin' this?"

I stood up from the bed and said, "Because it's important, Braeburn." It felt like something Dad would say, but it wasn't him. I was speaking for myself, and despite everything, I smiled. "Because… you didn't want me to wake up alone. You didn't want me to lose another pony when I wasn't looking." Braeburn peeked up from under his hat. Even as my brain was shouting, 'No no no no!!!' and my head shook slightly, I managed to tell him the truth. "Because you're a good stallion, Braeburn. You're somepony that your parents and your brother are proud of."

Braeburn sighed and pressed his forehead to the glass. Seconds later, he straightened up and looked at me. "Your daddy's proud of you, too, Soarin'. I can only imagine how rough this is to wake up to."

He wasn't wrong. I was already lightheaded, but I could feel him calling to me. My hooves dragged as I walked mindlessly over and joined Braeburn by the window, seated just slightly further away from him than usual.

The sun crested over the horizon. We couldn't quite see to the ocean, but we looked out at a beautiful view of the seaside area and the wharf. There was still plenty of activity down at the street level, even if the second day's sun-raising ceremony wasn't ever as big as the first. I could almost smell the carrot crepes and the glazed oranges that the street vendors were selling, and I kept having thoughts like, 'We should grab one of those for breakfast. Then maybe we could go to the beach for a while.'

My brain was trying to defend itself, and as I forced myself back to reality, I could feel the mental shift in my skull. It was like adjusting my wings on a warm day after a sudden temperature drop – it was supposed to feel like a natural change, but it always took more effort than I was prepared for.

I focused on what was really happening in that hotel room. Even though we were right next to each other, it felt like Braeburn and I were on different continents. Without thinking, I stretched out a wing to embrace him, but he flinched, and I flinched back. I quickly tucked my wing back in and hung my head while Braeburn stared at the sunrise like a statue.

It hurt all over, inside and out, and it only got worse by the second. My fur stood on end. My head rocked back and then forward, and I shook it slowly to fight off the sudden nausea. I wanted to leap through the window or bolt out the door or cover my head with a pillow. Every part of me screamed to get away from the rigid, tense pony next to me, but I held firm. Sitting up a little straighter, I said, "Please don't make me wait for it, Braeburn."

He responded immediately, and when he did, only his mouth moved. He wasn't even blinking. "You're not gonna like it." Subtly, his head shook back and forth. "It'll hurt. I'll hurt you."

'Don't worry about me, Braeburn.' I swallowed and found my voice again. "Braeburn, this isn't about me. It's… about what's best for both of us. And it's hurting you, too." I looked at him. My eyes watered again, and I took rapid, shallow breaths as my head spun with memories of everything I'd put him through. "And I… cannot stand seeing you in pain, Braeburn."

I looked back down to the suitcase next to him. It was too real. I could picture every chilling detail of what was about to happen, from how he'd walk to the sound of his suitcase rolling along the floor to the horrifying quiet that would follow. I braced myself for the impact, and I looked back up at him, forcing an unstable smile. "So don't hold back. I promise I'll never ask this again, but just this once, be straight with me."

Braeburn looked up at me. He searched my face as his mouth strained between a smile and a frown, and his jaw stayed clenched shut. 

My heart felt like it was tearing itself apart, shredding itself into pieces and leaving me with nothing to go on. But as all those pieces tore away, something remained at the very core, and it refused to be unraveled. "I love you, Braeburn."

Braeburn smiled back. "I love you, too, Soarin'."

For a long moment, Braeburn kept his eyes on mine, but as he spoke, he let his gaze wander all over my body. "I love your sense of humor. I love how much you care about me, even if it means you don't get what you want. I love how handsome you are and how you show me so many things I don't know about." He was trembling. "I l-love how you make me feel when I'm around you. I love you." His smile faded, and he shook his head. He was crying again.

And he let out a shaky sigh. "But I'm leavin' you."

I couldn't breathe. I felt myself shrink, and my nerves buzzed, and my bones felt so brittle. One more time, my mind reeled with all the same feelings I'd had since I was a foal. I was at the top of the stairs watching Mom slam the door and saying my eulogy at Dad's funeral and destroying my condo after I'd been cut from the team. I remembered how much I had completely melted down after each of those, how it had always felt like my world was ending, and as much as I wanted to give in and regress all over again, I looked over at how stiff Braeburn was. He leaned backward, struggling to look at me and with a glint of fear in the corner of his eye. His chest was tense, and he was bracing himself. I felt small and fragile as I fell that last distance, but even as all my hopes for the future were dashed against the rocks, my only thought was, 'Braeburn needs me.' 

I took an unstable breath and said, "I… understand, Braeburn."

Braeburn let out a half-sob, half sigh. His mouth hung open in an exhausted smile, and his jaw quivered as he took a few gasping breaths. He searched my face, and soon, he was breathing almost normally again. Blinking rapidly, he looked out the window. "Thank you, Soarin'. It… means a lot t–" He wiped a tear away and put a hoof to his heart. "Thank you."

Braeburn's eyes shone as he looked into the distance, and my heart swelled. 'He's thinking about facing Bronze.' But it didn't hurt. I didn't care about competing with Bronze or worry that Braeburn didn't love me. After all, he'd been brave enough – trusted me enough – to tell me the truth. All I wanted was for him to be okay. 'Keep going, Braeburn. I'm still here for you.' I gathered myself and said, "Please tell me why."

Braeburn chuckled. "I don't wanna focus on the bad parts, Soarin'."

"It's not for me, Braeburn." My head shook. "I just… don't want you to doubt yourself. Ever. You're–" My heart rent itself in half again, but I forced out more. "You're doing th–… the right thing. So please just tell me why." My whole body tensed, and I thought about how many times I'd failed him. A dull pain spread from my chest to my extremities. The desire to break down came back in waves. I whispered, "But, like, be gentle."

Braeburn nodded and took a slow breath. "You deserve that much. Hell of a lot more than that, actually." He eyed me for a second, like he was waiting for something. When he saw it, he said, "Soarin', this ain't the place for me. I need to be back in Appleloosa, where I can be myself." His head lowered. "Where I can contribute instead of lyin' around the house all day. I gotta be where… where the air's fresh, with the dirt under my hooves, where I can sweat out my frustrations and help ponies, and…" He wrinkled his nose and waved a hoof in front of his face. "…hell, be mayor if I have to. And as much as I want to stay with you f-forever, I–" His jaw clenched again. "I promised you I'd tell you the truth, Soarin'. I–" He swallowed and looked up at me, frowning. "I ain't happy here."

A soft warmth spread over my brain and my chest. I closed my eyes to savor it, and I heard the soft pat-pat sound of tears hitting the carpet below me. I blinked them away and said, almost silently, "I'm proud of you, Braeburn."

His lip quivered. "P… Proud of you, too, Soarin'."

"See?" My voice cracked. "That wasn't so bad." I could feel my smile falter and my body shake.

Braeburn stifled a laugh. "Soarin', you look like a puppy that's about to wet himself."

Involuntarily, I whimpered.

Braeburn snorted a laugh, and soon we both burst out laughing and swearing and growling and apologizing over and over again. The emotions flooded out of us, twisted knots of relief and despair and discomfort. We kept laughing for a few seconds, until the emptiness had filled back up with gravity, and we both sobbed a few times.

The room grew quiet again. 

Braeburn reached out a hoof like he was going to pull me into a hug, but he hesitated, looked away, and set his hoof down. The emptiness in my chest felt overwhelming.

To break the silence, I asked, "Reflex?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

My shoulders sagged, and I pressed my forehead to the cool glass. I missed the warmth of his face against mine. "Yeah. I feel it, too."

"Soarin', there's nothin' I'd rather do right now than hold you. I hope you know that."

I nodded slightly, unable to pull my head up.

Braeburn's tail flicked, and he looked out at the city. "But I'm worried, Soarin'. I wanna see you smile. I wanna carry you back to bed and make love again and… hide away under the covers." He turned to me and shook his head. "But if I grab onto you, Soarin', I would never, ever be able to let go."

I frowned, and my eyelids felt heavy. "I wouldn't, either."

We stared out the window. The sun was still creeping up on a glorious morning, but it wasn't too bright yet. The city was bathed in gold while we sat in our little dark box for a few silent minutes.

I was tired. The bags under my eyes were bigger than usual, and my body ached in every part of me. I could only imagine how Braeburn was feeling. I didn't even know how early he'd been up. About twenty different emotions fought over how I should be feeling, but in the end, it was just a dark, confusing, swirling mess.

Finally, Braeburn broke the silence. His voice was raspy and had a whimper behind it that dug deeply into me. "Why didn't it work, Soarin'?"

I ran through a whole bunch of excuses in my head. The media had badgered us too much. My mom had fucked up my ability to love somepony the right way. Bronze had hurt Braeburn, and he hadn't recovered yet. We'd never had the chance to have a normal relationship. 

But those were just excuses, and I owed it to Braeburn to look past them. "I think… we weren't ready for each other."

Braeburn turned his head slightly. "How do you mean?"

"Like, I dunno." I shrugged. "We both had to grow more, I guess. I've learned a ton the past few months." I looked over at him, my heart still full of love whenever I saw him. "I just wish I could have known it before, you know?"

"Heh. Pretty raw deal," he said. "We need to wreck a perfectly good relationship, just so we can learn how to have a perfectly good relationship?" He slumped. "I get what you mean, Soarin', and I think you're right. T'ain't fair, but that's just how it is." More softly, he said, "I'm sorry I wasn't ready for you."

"I'm sorry, too, Brae." It struck me how weird it was to be talking about our relationship like that. If you'd asked me at the start whether we were both experienced, I would have said yes. I thought I'd been with enough ponies to know everything I needed, and Braeburn had been with somepony long enough to understand the long-term dynamics. But that's not how it works. Every pony you meet is different. You can never really figure it all out, but the mystery is what keeps it exciting. You never know if it's real until you try.

And along those lines, something came to me, something that had bothered me during our whole trip all over Equestria. "Braeburn." I was too exhausted to be delicate. "That letter Bronze left with your parents. He… wrote something that…" I cleared my throat. "I need to know, or it'll bother me forever: was I your rebound coltfriend?"

Braeburn frowned. "No, Soarin'," he said firmly. He turned to me and shook his head, tears welling up again. "Don't you believe that for a second. I fell in love with you, not just some nameless pony that treated me right. I love you for you." 

My teeth rattled together, but I smiled. It felt like sunlight was finally reaching a dark corner of my brain. "Thanks, Braeburn."

He looked out the window and groaned. "Besides, I'd already rebounded with Coal Shaft and Mellow Harp."

I chuckled and cocked my head to the side. "Mellow-what? Brae, I met you, like, two weeks after Bronze left, right?"

Braeburn gave me a sly smirk, and for a second, I saw the happy, shining Braeburn I wanted to keep in my memory forever. "Soarin', ya' don't get to bein' the best ass in the west without some practice." 

I half-sobbed, half-snickered. "Okay, yeah."

Braeburn sighed. "But yeah. They were both tourists. Coal Shaft had rolled into town the weekend after Bronze left – just cruisin' for a gay cowpony to shack up with – and I was all too happy to throw myself at him for a couple days. Mellow was this frou-frou unicorn from Canterlot. Came to town the weekend after you and I met. I tried to convince him to make it long-distance, but it was never gonna work." Braeburn covered his face. "Hell, I was a mess. And I mean, bein' so promiscuous bothered everypony a lot more than bein' gay." He groaned again. "Celestia, what'll they think of me now?

I answered immediately. "They still think you're amazing, Braeburn. I mean, it didn't stop Pride Song from helping you escape on the train, right?" Braeburn smiled. Even if I couldn't be his coltfriend, I wanted to support him. Even if I couldn't hold him, knowing that I could comfort him made me feel like I was glowing, even as I was choking up. "A lot of ponies love you, Braeburn. You've got Big Mac and your parents and your aunt and your town. You… you don't have to face Bronze on your own." I remember something he'd told me once, in a time that seemed like forever ago. "You do have a team, Braeburn. They're all on your side, and… and I'm never going to stop rooting for you."

After a long moment looking out the window, his shoulders relaxed. "Thanks, Soarin'. You've got a point." His eyes unfocused, or maybe he was looking at his reflection in the window. His voice got softer. "I'm not lookin' forward to seein' Bronze again, especially like this. I, uh… think I'd better stop at Aunt Honeycrisp's before I head home. Maybe Ponyville, too." He flicked the ear with the blue stud still stuck in it. "Heh. Everypony back home'll be surprised when they see this thing." He looked me in the eyes. "I'm keepin' it, ya' know. I want a piece of you with me."

I flicked my ear back at him. "I'm keeping mine, too."

"I'll always be thinkin' of you, Soarin'." He turned his whole body towards me. "And I want you to promise me something."

I perked up. "Name it."

His lip stiffened. "It'll be tough facin' Bronze again, but I'm going to do it. I need to, for me, and I'm not the only one that needs to have a difficult conversation."

"Oh," I said flatly as my eyes fell to the carpet. "I can't talk to Mom, Braeburn."

"Yes, you can." He put on his mayor voice. "You will. It'll be good for you."

I drooped. "Nah, I should just let her live her life. She won't like it."

Braeburn furrowed his brows. "Soarin', I don't give a shit about her. I know moms. They have a conscience just like everypony else, and she'll listen." His tone softened a bit. He made another move to touch me, but he caught himself again. "It doesn't have to be now, Soarin', but please promise me you'll do it."

I looked into his eyes, the eyes of the stallion that I still loved, even if he wasn't my Applebutt.

Breaking his own rule, he set his hoof on mine. "Promise me, Soarin'."

And the bright confidence in his eyes flowed into me. "I promise, Braeburn."

"Thank you." He turned to face the window.

We sat again, and I squinted at the sunlight. Our breaths grew heavier, slowly at first, and they became deeper and more sporadic.

A minute or so later, Braeburn drew a sharp, quaking breath. "Dammit," he whimpered.

My wings hitched up, and my vision blurred. I knew what it meant. "Wh–" I couldn't finish.

Braeburn sniffed and wiped his eyes with a fetlock. "I, uh… I should probably get goin'." He looked all around, like he was dazed, and he kept trying to blink away tears. "Legs are gettin' weak, and I… don't think I can keep from bawlin' much longer."

I shook and whispered, "Yeah. Same." I turned to him. "You left your Whitewing book at–"

He held up a hoof. "I want you to have it. You get that noggin of yours in order and enjoy the story. It's a good one." His words were choked, and tears streamed down his face.

My whole body tensed, and I thought I would pass out. I wanted to thank him, but I was afraid that if I opened my mouth, I'd scream. Instead, I sat rigidly, squinting out the window at the sunrise again. I couldn't face him, even as the sunlight burned my eyes.

Next to me, Braeburn mumbled, "Actually, I 'spose…"

I felt pressure on the top of my head, and the sun wasn't so bright anymore. Tension drained from me as I thought back to the orchard where I'd first met him. He'd taken care of me when I was at my worst. He'd shown me kindness and given me chance after chance after chance to get it right. Braeburn had opened up my future for me, and even now, when neither of us felt like we had anything left to give, he was still taking care of me. Braeburn had put his hat on my head, and when I looked at him, jaw quivering, I had to blink away a few more tears to see him.

He shrugged and smiled. "You said you wanted that one, right?" I shuddered and sobbed, but Braeburn patted me on the chest. Between sobs of his own, he said, "You, uh… You take care of yourself, ya' hear? I lo–" He choked and wiped his eye again. "Aw, dammit."

I felt hollow as I leaned down and kissed away a tear. I didn't feel like enough, but it was all I could do. I sniffled and inhaled a shaky breath. My voice wouldn't go above a whisper. "I love you, Braeburn." I took shallow breaths. The dam was about to burst.

"Love you, too, Soarin'," he choked out. His kissed me softly on the nose. I still remember exactly how it felt.

W–

We…

…looked into each other's eyes one m-more time. I could see it–

F-fuck…

Okay. Okay.

I-I could see it… welling up in him, too. With one more whimper, Braeburn nodded at me and forced a smile. There was nothing left to say, so he quickly grabbed his suitcase and walked briskly to the door.

It… f… 

Sorry. I'm sorry.

It was just like I'd imagined it, from the sound of his hooves to the sound of the suitcase rolling across the floor to the… to the way his mane bounced as he walked away. But it was real this time. It w–… It was real.

I stayed frozen in place, afraid to move. I wanted to hold out just one more moment, to be strong enough that he wouldn't see me break down. I didn't want it to hurt him. I wanted his… his last memory of me to be the same as mine, strong and beautiful and–

…

But each step away felt like another broken bone, another star burning out.

I thought to myself, 'Just count to five. Just hold out so he can get away. Just five more seconds.'

His… last gift to me was to leave quickly without looking back. The door clicked shut, and the room was quiet. I counted to myself, 'One. Two.' But I had to whisper to keep myself together. "Three. F-four… Five."

And just like that, any semblance of strength I had was gone, and I collapsed against the window, wailing and shaking as I realized that, one more time, the most important pony in my life had left me.

I was… so, so proud of him. And I still am. He'd done it. We both had. For both of us.

And I have never, ever cried so hard in my life.