“Yes!” Princess Twilight said, and took a step back-- only to glance at me with a shocked and apologetic expression. “I mean- no! I mean-- ugh, it's complicated, but can you help me get out of this dress?”
“P-pardon?” Under normal circumstances, those were the sort of words were the sort of thing I'd hope (nay, expect) to hear from a lovely mare so justifiably smitten by my dashing good looks. But, standing there in Princess Twilight's library, I could already feel an icy Yakyakistan winter gnawing at my bones. So I did the first thing that I could think of: I lied. Outrageously. “Forgive me, Princess, but I was raised in a somewhat ... conservative family. And while you're an absolutely lovely mare, perhaps we should take things a little more slowly?”
“There's no time!” Princess Twilight said-- and, without further ado, she hiked up her skirts to a scandalous degree, at which point she turned her head to look at her own rump. Which, I should add, was glowing, as her cutie mark blinked in little patterns like those fancy lights ponies put on Hearth's Warming trees nowadays. “It's the cutie map! I knew it!”
“The what?” I said, blinking in perplexion.
“I'll show you!” Princess Twilight's horn glowed again, and before I could get in a word of protest, there was another blinding strobe of magic, and the stomach-churning sensation of being zapped from one place to another. The second teleport was worse than the first-- I staggered as my physical form returned to reality, and blundered into a high-backed chair with apples etched into it for some reason. When my vision cleared, I thought Princess Twilight brought us to Cloudsdale, as I could see nearly all of Equestria laid out in miniature below me. It took me a moment, but I eventually realized that we weren't in Cloudsdale (the warmer temperature and lack of other pegusai being key indicators). Instead, the large circular table in the center of the room held an impossibly detailed rendering of Equestria in miniature.
And, on the opposite side of the table, a glowing emblem of Princess Twilight's cutie mark blinked insistently above a small (but still intimidatingly jagged) black mountain. A crude rendering of a dragon's head in green and purple soon flickered to life beside Princess Twilight's cutie mark, and the Princess herself gasped.
“Spike!” she said-- and as if on cue, the little baby dragon came pattering in on his stubby little legs. And, sure enough, his scales were blinking in the same rhythm that Princess Twilight's bum did. As soon as the little dragon burst in, I immediately began to concoct a perfectly reasonable and not at all scandalous explanation as to why Princess Twilight's dress was in disarray, and why I had a rather bewildered look on my face. Thankfully, Spike was entirely too distracted by the blinking of the map to realize just how indecent Princess Twilight and I looked.
“I ran here as fast as I could!” Spike said, breathless. He put his little claws on the edge of the table and stood on his tiptoes to get a better look at the map. “Are we going to where I think we're going?”
“That's right, Spike! We're going to the Dragon Lands! Go ahead and get our hot air balloon ready, and I'll grab some books from the library that might help.” Gone was the blushing, lovestruck filly who'd kissed me moments before-- this was a young but decisive Princess, quite literally in her element. “I'll meet you in the main hall!”
“Got it!” Spike said, and zipped off the way he came.
“Ah, Princess?” I ventured. “Just ... what's happening?”
“Flash! Ah!” Princess Twilight spun around to face me. “I'm sorry, I almost forgot about you.The dancing and talking was really fun, and I'd like to do it again sometime, but But, you know what they say 'Friendship Emergencies wait for no pony.' Or, well, they don't say it, but I do. Still, there's something really important going in on the Dragon Lands, and it's my responsibility as Princess of Friendship to see what it is. You can stick around for the rest of the party, if you like? But, um, excuse me-- I'd better get to the library. Time's wasting!”
And with that, Princess Twilight disappeared in another burst of magic-- one that she thankfully didn't drag me along for. I stood there for a few seconds, mildly bewildered at the latest turn of events. Even in the short time I'd spent with Princess Twilight Sparkle, I'd learned one key thing: just standing around her was exhausting. No wonder she didn't have any palace staff-- it'd be impossible to keep a proper routine going when it was constantly being interrupted by destinies or monster attacks or what have you. With the scent of singed ozone still lingering in the air, I reached an obvious conclusion.
I needed a drink.
I left the library, and headed back towards the ballroom. I didn't know the layout of the palace very well, but it was easy enough to follow the sounds of music and laughter. Apparently, the party had continued in my (and in Princess', I suppose) absence. Not like there was much else to do in Ponyville, anyway.
“How did it go?” Carrot Top emerged from a lurking spot behind a pillar and fell into step beside me.
I bit back a yelp of alarm, and forced a smile. “Oh, uh. Well enough?”
Carrot Top arched a brow.
“I mean, the Princess seems ... fond of me. But, ah, you should know, things didn't have the time to, er, progress, if you get my meaning. Princess Twilight, proper lady she is, prefers to take things slow, you know. And then she started glowing and going on about something called a 'Friendship Emergency' and here we are.”
“Glowing.” Carrot Top said.
“You know that I know better than to lie to you.” I said.
Carrot Top's laughed, softly, and patted me on the shoulder. “No, I believe you. If Princess Twilight's glowing, that just means everything's going to plan.”
“What? How?”
“It's simple. Princess Twilight, as Princess of Friendship, is obligated to fix friendship problems. The Cutie Map, in turn, tells Twilight Sparkle where friendship problems are.”
“So what, you've used your espionage expertise to get two best friends to go to Spitespire and start yelling at each other hard enough to make Princess Twilight's flank start glowing?”
“It came to mind, but no. We went for a more ... direct approach, instead.”
“Direct? Are you saying--”
“That's right.” Carrot Top said, smirking. “We hacked the Cutie Map.”
By this point, I'm certain that you, dear reader, have gotten a good feel for Flash Sentry's penchant for exaggeration, if not hyperbole (his passage regarding my dancing skills, for example). Really, the term 'reliably unreliable' is a good fit for Flash's memoirs. Even with this in mind, I feel the need to provide some valuable context.
The Cutie Map is an incredibly complex and potent font of magic-- I won't go into the inner workings here (though interested readers can turn to my many texts on the subject, starting with On Friendship) but it goes without saying that one cannot trivially 'hack' the Cutie Map. Given Flash's own complete lack of knowledge (or interest) in high magics, it's unsurprising that he does not go into the exact arcane details necessary for a proper scientific analysis.
Still, based on the scant information provided here, the most logical conclusion is that Carrot Top & Co. did not 'hack' the Cutie Map at all, but instead replicated the surface effects of the Cutie Map through carefully timed uses of illusion magic.*
*Alternately, is it possible that the events Sentry describes were meant to happen? If the Cutie Map is such an advanced and un-hack-able artifact, it stands to reason that it was operating exactly as intended. **
**On second thought, Lyra did attend Canterlot University (my own alma mater), so such a feat might not be entirely impossible, however difficult it might be.
“Oh, that's good.” I said. “Now what?”
“Now, we just watch. Come on.” Carrot Top said, and led me to the main ballroom.
By the time we got there, Vinyl Scratch had switched to a softer, lower-key soundtrack, allowing the celebration to wind down. Ponies began to slink off-- either in pairs, or singly (no doubt wishing they were part of a pair), or sometimes in larger groups, depending on how many ponies it took to carry their nigh-comatose friend out. Thankfully, nopony seemed to notice me returning to the ballroom in the company of a completely different mare.
The generally sedate atmosphere was interrupted, of course, by Princess Twilight Sparkle. While I'd barely known her for a few hours, I'd already realized the term 'high strung' was something of an understatement.
Princess Twilight materialized in the center of the ballroom-- my stomach in turn did its best to turn itself inside-out as I was reminded that teleportation magic existed. Nobody saw me turn a shade of green, however, as all eyes were on the Princess.
“Everypony, I have an important announcement to make!” Princess Twilight took a moment to adjust her book-stuffed saddlebags, and turned to the thinning crowd. “I hate to run out on you guys so soon, but I just found out that Spike and I have a very important Friendship Problem to take care of.”
And you know, the ponies left in the ballroom applauded. Ponyville is a strange place, let me tell you.
“Unfortunately, the Friendship Problem is all the way in the Dragon Lands, even, so it may take us just a little bit to get everything squared away.”
“Twilight!” Spike came pattering back in, looking more nervous than usual.
“Ready to go, Spike?” Princess Twilight beamed.
“No! We're not! It's the balloon!” Spike began to run literal circles around the Princess, flailing his arms in the air. “A bunch of rats or mice or something got into it and chewed our balloon to pieces! The basket, the canvas, the lines-- everything!”
“What?” Princess Twilight gasped. “But ... how? Wait, no, it doesn't matter-- I ... agh, Fluttershy!” Princess Twilight said with something approaching regal authority. A pink-haired pegasus in turn glided over on unsteady wings.
“Yes?” Fluttershy said.
“Can you take care of this rodent thing while I'm gone?”
“Oh, of course! The poor teensy rats probably didn't know what they were doing-- they've just got to chew on things to keep their widdle little incisors sharp, and I bet your balloon basket just tasted really good and they couldn't help themselves.”
“Just, uh, keep them away from the library, please?”
“You got it.” Fluttershy murmured, semi-assertively.
“Now, Spike, we're going to have to find another way to get to the Dragon Lands-- it's too far to fly-- and even then, I wouldn't be able to carry you and the books I'll need.” She fretted from hoof to hoof, impatient. “Alright, so, we'll just write a letter to Princess Celestia and ask her to send us an airship-- or at least a pegasus-chariot to meet us at a designated rendezvous point. Which may be a little tricky, timing-wise, especially on such short notice, but I'm sure Princess Celestia will understand, given the circumstances.”
“Right!” Spike said, “Lemme get a pen!”
“Perhaps, Princess, there's another alternative to your particularly perplexing predicament?” Flim Flimflam emerged from a small throng of ponies, as smoothly as if he were on roller skates.
“Why, if only there were a pair or recently reformed raconteurs ready to render relief to royalty!” Flam Flimflam slid in from the opposite side, in the sort of precise maneuver that the average military officer (which is to say: somepony who took their job more seriously than I did) could only dream of.
“Flam? Flim?” Princess Twilight looked inbetween the pair. “What are you doing here?”
“Well, you invited the whole town to your schindig here!”
“And we, while not residents of Ponyville, happened to be passing through.”
“Ipso-facto, my brother and I were invited!”
“And a good thing, too, as the Flimflam brothers are here to solve your problem, just as good friends do!”
To her credit, Princess Twilight eyed the two be-boatered unicorns with slight suspicion. “Unless you two have an airship hidden somewhere, I'm not sure what you can do.”
“An airship, she says!” said Flim.
“Hidden somewhere!” said Flam.
“Well Princess, I'm afraid I have to tell you you're only half right. As my brother and I do happen to have an airship in our possession, though it's certainly not hidden!”
“Why would we even want to hide it, anyway? The good ship Interlocutor is the finest airship to ever spin a propeller!”
“Indeed-- she sails as fast as the wind, and as smooth as the clouds!”
“And she's parked right outside!” Flam's horn glowed, and he pulled back some curtains-- all the better to reveal the sleek (and freshly painted) air-cutter anchored outside.
“It's perfect!” said Spike.
“It's ... awfully convenient.” Princess Twilight mused.
“That's destiny for you, Princess!” Flam chimed in. “You see, my brother Flim and I were about to set off on our newest creative endeavor-- 'Strings Across Equestria.'” He threw one hoof around the Princess' shoulders, and made a sweeping gesture with the other.
Flam mirrored his brother, draping himself over Princess Twilight's other shoulder. “It's simple! We're taking some of Equestria's finest musicians-- such as Ponyville's very own Lyra and Octavia –and going on tour to lands far and wide, all the better to spread ideas of friendship and magic and other feel-good whatnots.”
“And, as it would just so happen, our planned tour takes us rather close to the Dragon Lands.” Flim said. “It won't be any trouble at all to get you to where you want to go!”
“And, as it would just so happen, there's just enough room on the Interlocutor for you and your dragon and your bodyguard.” Flam noted.
Princess Twilight blinked, and then wriggled out from between the Flimflam brothers. “Oh! Uh, while that's very kind of the both of you, I'm not sure if any of this is necessary ... “ Whether she was talking about the airship or my presence on it, I couldn't say.
Still, Carrot Top none-too-subtly pushed me forward, and I snapped to attention, realizing the role I had to play. I cleared my throat, put on a soldierly face, and stepped forward. “I'm afraid it is, Princess. I simply cannot allow you to go to the Dragon Lands unescorted.” Under normal circumstances, the thought of visiting the Dragon Lands would have set my hooves to shaking, but the alternative of not escorting Princess Twilight was even more terrifying.
“Unescorted?” Princess Twilight shook her head. “I can handle myself, thank you very much.”
“I don't doubt that, Princess Twilight-- but just as you have your duty to the Cutie Map, I've got my own oaths to uphold.” A load of nonsense, that, but I'd had plenty of experience in puffing myself up and acting noble. And then, just to cap it off, I allowed myself faintly roguish smile. “Besides, I'd rather fly along with you on the airship than have to follow along behind. I'd probably pull a wing by the time we got to Dragonland.”
“The Dragon Lands.” Princess Twilight blushed even as she corrected me-- the ol' Flashy charm worked its magic once again.
“Wherever.” I said.
“Alright, fine. It's not like I have the time to argue anyway.” Princess Twilight shook her head. “Flim--”
“I'm Flam.”
“Sorry, Flam-- how long will it take to get the Interlocutor up and running?”
“We can have her airworthy in just under an hour, Princess!”
“Which should give us just enough time to load up the rest of our musicians and their gear!” Flim chimed in. This done, he put a hoof to his mouth and whistled shrilly. At the signal, Vinyl Scratch nodded from her little tower of sound equipment, and immediately set about unplugging cables and packing up turntables in a final indicator of the party's conclusion. “So, whaddya say, Princess? You ready to fly with the Flimflams, or have we got to sing a song about it, first?”
“No-- no time for a song.” Princess Twilight said, and Flam gave a disappointed grumble as he put away the banjo he'd produced from somewhere. “You've convinced me-- so go ahead and get packed, everypony-- we're going to the Dragon Lands!” With her unbridled enthusiasm (no doubt helped along by a flute or two of champagne), Princess Twilight made a magically mandated trip to a potentially active volcano full of greedy dragons sound almost like something fun.
Almost.