//------------------------------// // Ain't Afraid of No Ghost! // Story: The Real Pony Ghostbusters // by Belligerent Bindlestiff //------------------------------// “That has got to be one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen.” Swift said, looking up at the front of the firehouse. The sign was of a ghost pony with a red circle and diagonal slash enclosing it. “Oh come on, its great!” Valence said. “It stands out in a sea of-“ “Sane ponies.” Swift cut off Valence. “And this thing.” The pegasus looked into the garage. “did you really have to spring for this old cart?” “We’re gonna need something to carry all the extra gear.” Valence said. “Don’t worry, I’ll have her in perfect shape in no time. “Fine, I’m going inside.” Swift replied. A green dragon with blue spines and underbelly was seated in the receptionist’s desk, she was sharpening her claws with a file. “Hello Becky.” Swift said. “Any messages?” “No.” the dragon replied. “Any visitors?” “No.” “Having fun?” “N-“ Becky stopped herself “Just having a little fun with you.”  Swift said. “Just try to look busy. We don’t want our clients thinking that business is so slow, we’re bored.” “Do you think I should set some things on fire?” Becky asked. “I bet ponies would think something exciting was happening then.” Swift paused. “You’re doing a good job as is. Carry on.” He then moved to the back of the fire house, into his office. Becky continued filing her claws while Neutrona came down the stairs, scanning with her PKE goggles. When she passed by the desk, she removed them with a satisfied look. “This building is clean” “So are you just practicing to look scientific?” Becky asked. “It occurred to me that in our haste to buy the firehouse, we never bothered to check if it was haunted itself.” Neutrona replied. The tall unicorn replaced her goggles and began scanning Becky. “And what exactly are you hoping to find, a ghost living in my spleen?” Becky asked. “I’m not some possessed dragon. I lived in the dragon district all my life and the scariest thing that ever happened was gem price hike ten years ago.” “You still took this job.” Neutrona replied. "Oh great, is another one of you going to try to ‘psychoanalyze’ me” I thought Swift was the one who played mind games.” “I heard that!” Swift said from the back. Coco Pommel approached the establishment, she was having second thoughts upon seeing the sign over the doorway. “Ghostbusters.” She said to herself. “Its fine. I’ll just ask them if they can help with whatever is in my apartment and then if they start making me buy things, I’ll just tell them I’ll keep my options open.” She pushed open the large door and saw the state of disarray the firehouse was in. Coco assed by Valence, who’d preoccupied himself in repairing the cart, and them came up to the front desk, finding Becky and Neutrona. “Excuse me, this is the Ghostbusters’ office, right?” “Yes, it is.” Becky replied, switching to a professional tone. Swift’s head poked over the partition of his office, and he instantly flew over to greet Coco. “I’m Dr. Swift Guess, how can I help you?” he asked. “Well, I really don’t know how else to say this, but I think my apartment is haunted.” Neutrona slid on her goggles and began inspecting Coco. “Let’s go ahead and save that for the lab, Dr. Neutrona.” Swift said, retraining some frustration in his voice. “Dr. Valence, we’re going upstairs, I’m going to need your help.”Neutrona said. The four ponies made their way upstairs, leaving Becky behind. Once they’d gone all the way up, the dragon resumed her claw filing. “You’re such a good receptionist.” She said to herself. //// “Okay, we’re just about ready.” Valence said, setting a metal-lined hoofball helmet on Coco Pommel’s head. “Neutrona, we’re ready to flip the switch.” The machine then came to life with a subtle hum. “Let’s get started.” Swift said. “So, what do you do for a living?” “I’m a fashion designer here in Manehattan.” Coco replied. “Does your family have any history of mental illness?” “Not that I know of.” “So, what happened?” Valence asked. Coco recounted the bizarre scene from the afternoon previous. Neutrona stared at the machine, fixated on the data being displayed. A converted seismograph machine was drawing zig-zags on paper, while a green light flickered on the top. Neutrona then moved towards Coco and aimed a flashlight into their client’s eyes. “I think she’s telling the truth.” “Aren’t you supposed to believe in ghosts?” Coco asked. “Our ad says: ‘We’re ready to believe you.’” Valence said. “It doesn’t mean we will. We’d have to investigate every story from every vagabond and bindlestiff that came off the street.” “So, does anypony live in that apartment with you?” Swift asked. “No, I live alone.” Coco replied. “And are you with anypony right now?” Swift asked. “What’s that got to do with anything?” Coco asked. “Hey, I’m a scientist.” Swift said. “More specifically, a parapsychologist. That means that I have to know from what angle these entities might try to come after you from.” “Uh huh.” Coco replied with hesitation. “So what was with the ‘Zuul’ I heard the voice say?” “Now that’s really interesting.” Valence said. “It almost doesn’t sound like a growl or a cry. More like an actual name.” “We’ll need to cross reference it with the spirit guide or deity catalogue.” Neutrona said. “What do you think?” Vay asked. “Neighponese, Nhorse, Eghippotan?” “Maybe even of lesser known lore.” Neutrona said. “Great, while you two work on that, I’ll head back with Ms. Pommel and check her…apartment out for any signs of entities.” Swift said, catching himself. Coco still quirked a brow at the obvious error. “I’m going to need to borrow some of your analysis gear, Neutrona.”  Swift said. “Sure, take the air filter, and the goggles.” She said, levitating the devices over. “And take a sample dish in case of any ectoplasm. Anything to help you check the apartment out.” “Thanks.” Swift said dryly, and escorted Coco down the stairs and out of the fire house. “I’m not really one to root for somepony being haunted, but I really do hope this lead is good.” Vay said to his sister. “We’re going to need the credibility of a client if we want more ponies to call us for our services.” “She seems sincere,” Neutrona said. “and I think there was a real sense of fear she had. Most of the ponies who faked it usually don’t appear as dishelved as she did. And then there was that name, ‘Zuul’. “Definitely not a run of the mill name.” Vay said. “Speaking of which.” He levitated a massive book over and opened it. “I’ll get cracking. It’s a good thing that these books aren’t in high demand anywhere else. I swear, so many of the rarer reference materials seem to always be checked out to Ponyville.” Valence began flipping through the pages. “Aneighbus, Atheneigha …” //// Coco opened the door to her apartment with a great degree of hesitancy. “Let me go through first.” Swift said. “If something happens, I want it to happen to me first. Especially if it’s a surprise party.” Coco gave a confused look. “It’s not my birthday…” she said. “Oh, maybe it’ll be for me then.” Swift said as he burst through the door. Silence greeted the two of them as they made their way into the abode. Swift turned on the lights. “Gah!” he yelled, seeing the many ponyquines around the room. “You know, the idea of ghosts, I’ve come to grips with, but there’s just something about ponyquines I’ll never get over.” Coco sighed and moved over and in front of Swift. “I told you all I was in the fashion business.” She set about moving various fabrics onto the couch. Swift was using the device Neutrona gave him around the apartment. He squeezed the suction part of the device with his wing and looked around the apartment. “Nice place you got here.” Swift said as he moved over to an adjacent room and investigated it.” “That’s my bedroom. You don’t need to go in there.” Coco said. “Why, you’ve got a dungeon in there?” Swift asked. Coco paused and then blushed. “N-No!” she stammered out. “I was talking about a dungeon to summon demons.” Swift said with a smirk. Coco’s nervous blush turned to a cross look. “Can you check the kitchen?” They moved over to find the remnants of the egg massacre on the floor. “You weren’t kidding when you said you killed the eggs.”  Swift said. “It was a whole lot scarier when it happened.” Coco replied. “You should probably clean this up as soon as you can. Eggs stink when you leave them out long enough.” Swift said. “I’d really appreciate checking the fridge, Dr. Swift Guess.” Coco said. Swift cautiously opened the appliance and peeked in. “There’s definitely a shrine.” He said. Coco wore a look of concern. “I’d even go as far as to call it a monument to gluttony. You’ve got all this food, for one pony?” “Hey! I’m not a glutton! I happen to buy in bulk to save money for the apartment!” Coco said in protest before focusing her attention to the normal fridge. “No, wait! What happened to the monsters? The glowing skyscape?!” “Look, I’m not one to judge,” Swift said. “But are you using hallucinogens?” “No! I’m serious. There were monsters and everything!” “There really doesn’t look like anything is awry.” Swift said. “Great, I’m losing it, because the ponies who are supposed to believe me, don’t believe me.” Coco said, growing exasperated. “And if anypony finds out that I’m seeing things that aren’t there, there goes my chances at a fashion line!” “I don’t think you’re crazy.” Swift said. “I see those dresses on display, creepy as it is with all those ponyquines, I know there’s somepony with the same problems as me! We all want to make it big.” Coco stepped back when his voice began to escalate. “Look, Swift Guess, I know you haven’t been able to help me, but I don’t think you need to psychoanalyze me.” She said. “Ms. Pommel, I can’t help it if I am so into my work that it shows.” Swift said. “We’ve all got dreams. Mine of conducting midair psych sessions was cut short by a misunderstanding, but you, you’re still at it, and I admire that.” Swift held the device to his side. “Tell you what. I’m going to help your dream the only way I know how.” He took a step forward and flared his wings. Swift Guess is going to be the pony to solve your problem.” “That’s… nice of you.” Coco said, leading Swift to the door. “Okay, bye!” she pushed the pushy pegaus outside into the hall. Swift noticed the pony down the hall give him the stink eye, before heading back into his own apartment. //// “Rice balls from a Neighponese restaurant. Not too bad for our only feast from our only client.” Vay said. The three would be paranormal eliminators sat at a table on the second floor of the firehouse. “So, what’s the re-sale value on all the equipment and materials?” Swift asked. “Probably not very high.” Neutrona said. “We’ve already turned all the materials into the gear, and even if I decided we should sell it, it’s not like anypony knows what to do with it.” “Worse yet, if word gets out we made and sold this stuff, the Anti-Necromancy Bureau would probably try to blame us for anything that might have happened. “Hence our, ‘Paranormal Investigation’ tagline.” Swift said, concluding. Meanwhile, downstairs, Becky had been using her dragon fire ability to converse with a pony not far from the fire house. Oh good, I was worried that the fliers were a joke. -Definitely not a joke. Becky wrote. We’re here to offer the services on the ads. We’ve been having trouble at our convention center, “The Hedge”. A certain spirit has always been here, but as of late it’s been more and more of a problem. Can your ponies capture it? -They certainly can. If you’d like, we can expedite your job to tonight. That would be great, we’ve got an array of events planned, and we’d much appreciate not alarming any of our guests. -Oh, they’ll be discrete, I can assure you, just send the address. Becky sent out the last note before looking towards the ceiling. She realized the polite thing to do would have been to go upstairs and tell them they had a call to go help, but Becky also noticed the red button nearby. She wore an evil grin and then pressed it, sounding the alarm. Moments later, she heard the panic upstairs followed by a trio of ponies attempting to slide down the pole all at once. The dragon casually walked up to them. “Hey, looks like you’ve got a field call. Somepony at the convention center, ‘The Hedge’ wants you to take care of a ghost.” “So there isn’t a fire?” Valence said from underneath Swift. Becky belched out a note and passed it to Valence. “Here’s the address. Go do you’re thing.” The scientists scrambled to their hooves and sped to their lockers. They dressed themselves in beige flight suits and loaded the proton saddle packs onto the cart Vay had repaired. It was painted a sleek white with red trim. On the side, the company logo adorned the craft. As Valence and Swift hooked themselves to the cart, Neutrona used her magic to power the lights of this strange craft. “This has got to be one of the weirdest things I’ve ever been near.” Swift said. The siren flared. “The weirdest.” //// After some maniacal maneuvering of the streets of Manehattan, getting puzzled looks from each pony they passed, they arrived at their destination. “Suffice it to say, I don’t think we’ll be the strangest looking ponies here.” Valence said. “Have you not seen what we’re wearing?” Swift replied “Or our equipment that lights up like a Hearth’s Warming decoration?” He turned around to see a crowd of ponies wearing varying costumes. One pony in particular, dressed in a fancy suit, approached the team. Oh thank Celestia you’re here!” he said. “So, where is it?” Swift asked, moving with the coordinator. Neutrona and Valence had set to scanning the area. “Well, that’s the problem, we really don’t know.” The coordinator said. “We usually plan our events around where we think it’ll be. We set out food to keep it distracted and away from the main areas.” “You feed it?” Swift asked. “Can ghosts eat food, Neutrona?” “Not exactly.” She replied. “They can manipulate objects, but not really digest them.” “It’s true, but we’ve seen what it leaves behind.” The coordinator said. “Just a bunch of chewed up food on the ground.” “That just ruined my appetite.” Vay said. “We’ve found that as long as we leave food out for it, it doesn’t cause problems, but lately its been leaving the um…’offerings’ alone. We have a lot of ponies visit our area and we don’t need them being terrified by that ghost.” “Don’t worry.” Vay said. “We take care of these things all of the time!” Swift and Neutrona exchanged concerned looks. //// “It just occurred to me that we never had a field test of this equipment.” Valence said as the trio made their way through the secluded section of the center. “It’s a little late for that.” Swift said. “I blame myself.” Neutrona said. “Well, don’t be so hard on yourself,” Swift said. “If we blow up anything, the whole city will blame all three of us.” “I suppose it could be worse.” Neutrona said. “One of my earlier concept designs didn’t use our own magic for power. I was looking at using more…precarious energy sources.” “Imagine if those packs ever went critical.” Vay said. “So, how am I supposed to use this thing anyways?” Swift asked as he grabbed a wand with his wing and gave it a curious look. “Just flip the switch on the pack.” Vay said. An audible revving of energy was heard as each pony powered on their proton saddle packs. Swift stopped in his tracks. “That’s kind of tingly, are your sure this won’t electrocute me?” “You’ll be fine.” Neutrona said. “Just don’t try flying while you’re using it.” A door creaked open in the dark back halls of the event center. A stallion in a green, roleplaying costume emerged casually from the restroom. The scientists fired their streams, luckily for Poindexter, the shots went wide and only singed the wall around him. “Sorry!” Valence said. Poindexter only wore a wide look as he turned around and walked away and muttered to himself. “Well, at least we didn’t blow up with that first test.” Swift said. “Okay, we need to split up if we’re going to find the ghost.” Valence said. “After that demonstration?” Swift asked. “Sure,why not?” The sounds from the events and the ponies gathered at them could still be heard, muffled from the back corridors. The area was essentially devoid of the presence of any other pony. Swift was regretting his decision to spit up, he was bored and couldn’t tease the others. Neutrona had her PKE goggles on was inspecting just about every inch of the hallway for a sign of the ghost, which is what led to her not moving more than ten feet from where they initially divided. Valence held a normal pace as he rounded every corner with the expectation that there would be something there. Finally, he’d decided that he’d stop for a snack. Valence pulled out a plastic wrapped oatmeal cream pie from his suit’s pocket. He heard a noise in the distance, and turned his head to see where it came from, only for a gust of wind to blow past him and snatch the snack away. He looked around in confusion, but his eyes grew wide as he saw the thief. The ghost glowed green and took the shape of a pudgy earth pony, except its back half was little more than an ethereal trail. It tore open the snack’s wrapping and scarfed down the treat, its yellow eyes glowing in content. “What a disgusting blob.” Vay said. He switched on his pack and then fired a proton stream. A wavy beam of orange energy, surrounded by glue electric currents flew straight at the ghost, but the phantasm took notice at the last second and dodged. The ghost screamed and fled into the nearest wall, leaving ectoplasm and cake  crumbs as a memento. “Oh boy.” Vay said. //// Swift’s stride had decreased as he grew more and more bored. And then the ghost rounded the corner. Swift was immediately put off by its appearance. “Okay, the librarian could have passed for a cute mare in a costume, but you are definitely not cute.” Swift said. The ghost grunted in confusion and then began to charge as menacingly as it would at Swift. The vapor was kind of slow to begin with, so Swift wasn’t all that concerned. Earth ponies could trot faster than this thing. Swift braced himself to fly over it, but something was keeping him down. The pack didn’t weigh that much, but Swift’s wings just couldn’t lift him. “The pack!” he shouted aloud as he remembered Neutrona’s warning about it drawing from his magic. It was too late to turn it off, Swift then felt as if a room full of ponies sneezed on him at once, knocking him over in a puddle of ectoplasm. Valence rounded the corner, gasping for air. “Hey Swift, I found it!” I chased over this…way…” “He slimed me.” Swift replied flatly. “Are you hurt?” Valence asked, offering a hoof. “Just my pride.” Swift replied and was helped up. “I feel so funky.” Neutrona approached the two of them, still engrossed with her PKE scanning. She trotted up to Swift, and then poked him with a hoof, looked at her hoof, and then collected a sample of the ectoplasm. “Okay, I’ve got a bead on the ghost.” She looked around with her goggles to search for its path. “It’s headed over there, to one of the larger areas.” She pointed her hoof. //// “There’s a banquet fundraiser in this room.” The event coordinator said. “Please take care of it before it eats everything.” “Don’t worry, we’re professionals.” Swift said. “Just make sure nopony comes in here for their own safety.” The scientists closed and locked the door behind them. Tables of food and cakes were elegantly arranged everywhere. “They put on quite the spread.” Valence said and looked over to see their ghost scarfing down the food at one end of a table. “Don’t give it a chance to run off again, let’s flank it!” Each pony moved to a different part of the room. The ghost was too distracted by the food to take notice or care that the team was moving about the room. “Now!” Swift said, and they fired their proton streams. One shot knocked the ghost into another stream, sending it careening way from the tables into the air. “One more thing!” Neutrona said. “Don’t cross the streams.” “What?” Swift asked. “It’s dangerous.” Neutrona replied. “Aside from firing charged particles?” Swift asked. The ghost charged again, only for Vay to snare it in his proton stream. The ghost began to flail and drag the unicorn around the room, knocking over tables of food. “Try to imagine, every molecule in your body exploding instantaneously.” Neutrona said. The ghost broke free of the stream, sending it and Vay sprawling apart from each other. Vay rolled up to Neutrona and Swift. “Total protonic reversal Swift.” “I’d prefer my molecules not exploding.” Swift replied. “Where’s that spud of a ghost anyways?” The dazed apparition groggily returned to the air, holding a plasmic hoof to its head. “Ow…” Another proton stream blasted by it. “No, stop!” it pleaded in a voice as slimy as it appeared. The scientists stopped their barrage for a moment. “You’ve been causing a fair amount of trouble.” Neutrona said with her wand still pointed and ready to fire. “Slimer not mean to bother other ponies!” the ghost said. “But they’re so cheap! They only put the good stuff out here!” “We can’t have you bothering everypony here every time you get ‘hungry’.” Neutrona said. “We could take him back with us!” Valence replied. “As long as you promise not to eat everything!” “Hey, this creep slimed me and we’re just going to let it slide?” Swift said as he readied to fire another proton stream. “Slimer sorry, Slimer sorry!” the ghost said, waving his front hooves in the air defensively. “We’re gonna need you to get in the trap.” Valence said, throwing a small grey box attached with a wire. “That way, ponies here know that you are with us.” “It’ll be a good test to see the trap functionality.” Neutrona said. “Does it hurt?” Sllimer asked. “It shouldn’t in theory.” Neutrona said. “Okay.” Slimer said. “One, two, three, no takebacks!” Swift counted rapidly and stomping a hoof on the trap, sucking in Slimer in a brilliant light. The device closed, it emitted some electrical charge around it and a small red light began flickering. “He’s in there.” Neutrona said. //// The trio emerged from the room with a steaming trap aloft in the air. “You captured it?” the coordinator asked. “Affirmative.” Vay said. “It was a class 5, floating, non-repeating phantasm. But you’re good to go.” “Okay, now down to payments.” Swift said, coming to the front of the group. “There is a fee for incarceration of the beast, as well as one for proton saddle pack recharging.” Vay leaned in and asked his sister. “They don’t need recharging. We told him it uses a pony’s own-“ Neutrona put a hoof on his muzzle. “So that will only be about five grand.” Swift finished. “Five-thousand bits?” the coordinator asked incredulously. “I had no idea it would be so much. I won’t pay it.” “Oh, that’s fine.” Swift said. “The little creep looked awfully hungry, I’m sure he won’t mind another go at your little feast.” The three of them turned to go back into the event room before being grabbed by the coordinator. “Five-thousand bits is a great deal!” “Pleasure doing business with you.” Vay said as the Ghostbusters made their way through the crowd of ponies that had gathered.