Cheese
“By Celestia’s flaming mare heat how many of these bastards are there?” A certain pony asked as her magnum kicked again sending another of the invaders to the ground in a pool of blood. Luna rolled her eyes as she sent a spear of moonlight to impale an orc; Littlepip had always had such a beautiful way with words.
“I can’t say, but I think we should probably move!” Twilight yelled from where she stood next to Luna, she hadn’t known any actual war spells so she was using telekinesis to throw invaders from the wall. A hail of bolter fire passed dangerously close to their heads and exploded against the wall behind them.
“Fuck that was a close one!” Littlepip yelled as she fired her rifle at one of the oncoming chaos marines who burst into flames as the rounds smashed into his exposed skull. Twilight winced at the harshness of the language; she still wasn’t used to being around Littlepip for extended amounts of time.
The attack had happened suddenly, a huge enemy force had somehow managed to become invisible long enough to get within reach of the walls and despite the fact that Base 42 was indestructible that didn’t mean it couldn’t be taken by contemporary means, which included killing everyone inside it.
Twilight ducked under the thrusting sword of an orc and sent him screaming off the wall where he landed on top of one of his brothers below with a wet splat. Luna’s sword sliced through another one while Littlepip shot through eight more. Luna raised an eyebrow, Littlepip usually wasn’t so aggressive.
“Are you ok Littlepip?” Luna asked with concern.
“I’m fine, this attack just interrupted me and Homage is all, we’d almost beat our record.” Littlepip replied ducking under an intense storm of gunfire before snapping off a headshot.
“Ah what’s the record at this point?” Luna asked curiously while stabbing an orc in the chest and pushing him into his friends who fell off the wall.
“96.” Littlepip said with a deep blush as she floated up a shotgun and caused an unlucky orc to suddenly find himself lacking the majority of its stomach.
“What record are you talking about?” Twilight asked interestedly.
“Number of orgasms.” Luna replied causing Littlepip to blush deeply, Twilight’s mouth fell open.
“96, that’s that shouldn’t be…” Twilight sputtered.
“Well Homage is something else let me tell you that much.” Littlepip replied blushing deeper. “By Celestia’s holy flaming clit why won’t you die!” The small unicorn suddenly yelled as a giant creature tore its way through the crowd in its need to get to them. Littlepip had already set it on fire with her rifle but the thing just kept coming.
“Tank!” A southern voice called from off in the distance, Luna stepped forward and shoved her sword through its chest but it seemed to shrug off the blow casually and sent Luna flying with a backhand. Twilight dodged backwards nearly avoiding a similar fate herself while Littlepip stood her ground, her magnum went off three times all three shots impacted against the tanks head but they only seemed to annoy it.
“For General Potter and the Chaos Legion!” Yelled the voice of a young boy, he looked no older than thirteen but Twilight was shocked to see a long ethereal blade pulsing from his hand. He jumped forward and slashed the blade through the Tank’s back sending it reeling in pain.
“Thanks kid!” Littlepip shouted before leveling her shotgun with the Tank’s chest and pulling the trigger. The Tank somehow survived the attack but was at this point too angry to take in its surroundings, thus it failed to see the very angry Luna who kicked it off of the wall. The beast fell screaming in rage before it impacted against the ground and finally died.
“Who dares lay claim to the chaos legion?” Yelled a chaos spacemarine pointing it’s chainsword at the boy.
“I am Neville Longbottom and I lay claim to the mantle of the chaos legion!” The boy yelled back.
“A mere child like you, pah, I’ll kill you for your impudence!” The marine shouted charging the boy with his chainsword raised.
“Neville this is no time to be yelling about chaos!” The younger version of Harry Potter who Twilight had counseled at the party yelled. The young boy grabbed Neville and pulled him away before the marine had a chance to decapitate him.
“That’s only for the armies, we aren’t really the forces of chaos those are the bad guys!” Potter yelled as they dodged another swing of the chainsword. Littlepip shot a magnum round at the chaos marine but he shrugged it off. Luckily before either of the two boys could be shredded into tiny pieces a warrior that looked to be wearing a black variant of Master Chief’s armor leapt down from a higher place on the wall and shot the chaos marine multiple times in the head with an assault rifle before grabbing the chainsword and shoving through the marine’s chest armor.
“You two kids get out of here now!” The black armored warrior yelled in a female voice prompting Harry and Neville to run for the door to the interior of the base. The black warrior leapt towards a pair of orcs, she started off by sending one flying with a punch to the stomach. The other she downed by firing her assault rifle into its crotch and then smashing it’s head to bits with a punch, Twilight lost sight of her after that.
“Well that was unexpected!” Luna commented dryly.
“We needs mor dakka!” Something yelled in the distance.
“I’ve got all your dakka right here!” A man standing running towards the wall yelled, he was shouldering what looked like a large spring-loaded catapult. The man was wearing large snow white armor without a helmet. He got up to the wall and pressed the trigger, eight small spherical shapes shot out of it before being lost from sight momentarily. No one on the battlefield was paying the man any attention. This was why when a large hole was torn into the enemy army as eight mini nukes detonated simultaneously silence descended immediately. The Lone Wanderer grinned out over the wall and pulled the trigger again. “I wonder if I got their attention.” He wondered to himself as the next volley hit their intended targets.
“Get down you idiot!” The Courier yelled grabbing the Lone Wanderer just before an incoming wall of bullets hit walkway where he’d been standing. The Courier whipped a lock of red hair out of her eyes and glared at the Wanderer.
“You’re a moron!”
“And that’s why you love me.” The Wanderer said planting a quick kiss on her lips before standing up again and putting the MERV back in his inventory. “Now let’s go kick some more asses!” He yelled pulling out what had once been Harkness’s plasma rifle and running down the wall, the Courier shook her head and followed her duster flapping as she ran.
“Why did no one tell me that I had human clones?” Littlepip asked with a shake of her head. “Also I want one of whatever that thing he was using was!” She exclaimed before unleashing a barrage of zebra rifle bullets into a thing that vaguely resembled a turian which burst into flames.
“Because the Wasteland would shit itself.” Luna replied eloquently.
“I don’t qualify that as a reason.” Littlepip replied, Twilight was feeling oddly left out but decided that she might as well keep listening.
Suddenly a new voice roared out over the battlefield, it was a man wearing a black robe “Attention all heroes your time is at an end, I Xemnas have arrived to end this petty resistance! You will all bow before my power or be destroyed! Kingdom Hearts has blessed me with enough power to rend your hearts into a thousand pieces, and Kingdom Hearts is not to be trifled with for within it is the heart of darkness that shall consume all creation…” The man in the robe kept on talking.
“Does he never shut up?” Twilight had to shout her question to Luna over the man’s speech about how resistance was futile.
“No never. Now if you’ll please excuse us.” Sora told Twilight as he jumped off of the wall and flew straight for the man in the robe, he was followed by a man with long spiky white hair and a brown haired woman. All of them carried those keyswords that Twilight had seen earlier.
“Masters of the keyblade you are but insignificant specks of dust compared to the majesty that Kingdome Hearts has bestowed upon me for I Xemnas have reached deep inside it and found my inner glory!” Xemnas told them and with a flick of his hand he threw off his hood revealing white spiky hair.
“Xemnas random question, but has anyone ever told you that if you scramble the letters in your name you can come up with the words man sex?” Sora asked Xemnas who stared at him for a few seconds. “I mean you really should think about changing it, you don’t want to go around trying to conquer worlds with a name that can be turned into man sex do you?” Sora asked, Xemnas continued to stare blankly at the man. Sora had done the impossible; he’d made Xemnas shut up about Kingdom Hearts. “So yeah anyways I suggest changing it, or else I’m going to travel world to world to tell them the tale of the mighty Man Sex.” Sora continued, Xemnas’s mouth was hanging open, he just couldn’t find the words. He was angry, no he was infuriated, no that wasn’t good enough he was about to go ballistic. “The Mighty Lord Man Sex and his army of heartless nobodies, you know I think I really should do that. It’d be great can you imagine the look on the rest of the Organizations’ faces?”
“Shut up you insignificant little speck of flesh I am Xemnas and you will not mock me!” Xemnas yelled almost incoherently at Sora.
“Sora I think you hit a nerve.” Riku said with a slight grin.
“What’s the matter Man Sex; did Sora anger the big bad nobody?” Kiari asked with a grin.
“Fools I will destroy you with the power of Kingdom Hearts!” Xemnas roared lounging forward swinging a sword made of light at Sora who casually blocked it with his keyblade.
“You’re getting slow Man Sex, what’s the matter don’t have the stamina you used to?” Sora asked him with a wide grin.
Twilight turned away from the conflict and noticed that the fighting had stopped, everyone was watching the exchange.
“Luna would you please tell me what’s going on?” Twilight asked her marefriend.
“Sora and Xemnas are old enemies; Xemnas never shuts up about Kingdom Hearts and always goes into along monologues about it. I’d say that Sora finally found something that can get under his skin enough to make him shut up about it.” Luna replied turning away from the aerial match which was turning vastly one-sided as the three keyblade masters taunted and slashed at the infuriated Xemnas.
“So what now?” Twilight asked.
“I suppose we wait for the orcs to come back.” Luna replied with a shrug.
“I know this is a stupid thing to say, but I’m getting bored with orcs.” Twilight said with a grimace.
“We’re doomed!” Littlepip cried, just as a mangled looking man wearing a rabbit mask climbed over the wall and sprinted towards them. “This is why you never say things like that!” Littlepip yelled firing her zebra rifle at the approaching splicer. The wall was quickly being swarmed by more and more of the odd humans most of whom where mutated or maimed horribly in a verity of ways.
“What are they?” Twilight asked in confusion as she sent one flying back.
“Splicers, lots of them.” A deep voice from behind her Said, Twilight jumped in surprise. Standing behind her was the man that she’d seen in the war meeting, in his hand was a ball of electricity in his other was a monstrous crossbow. “Stand back.” The man shot the crossbow and the bolt streaked out and impaled several splicers through the stomachs before exploding. The man stepped forward and killed the rest with some of the oddest powers Twilight had ever seen; he turned his hand into a beehive!
“I think we’re clean, I wonder how the rest of the battle is going?” Luna asked looking around at the now clear rampart.
***
Harry Dresden stood in the middle of the battlefield blasting out gouts of fire and walls of force at the enemies who were currently trying to kill him. On his left stood his nearly identical clone who had been busy fighting Discord but had decided to take a break, as it turns out now wasn’t the best time. On his right stood a Harry Dresden who had been turned into a black unicorn with white hair. Together the three of them had been holding their own against a tide of dark entities and random mooks
“You know I keep on expecting one of you to stab me in the back.” Harry told his alternates as he shot a blast of fire into a charging orc.
“I’m not the evil twin, and I don’t think he is either, which just leaves you.” The Harry who was currently a unicorn replied with a grin.
“E gads you got me.” Harry replied ducking under a beam of energy before returning fire with his magnum.
***
<This is ridicules why are there Nazis here?!> Marco cried in thought speak as he rammed his gorilla fist into the face of a Nazi.
<Don’t complain this is fun!> Rachel replied with a mental laugh as he grizzly bear paw smashed a Nazi into the ground. She was back from the dead and enjoying every second of it.
<Prince Jake I believe that we are being wasted here as well.> Ax said as he drove his tailblade through a Nazi skull.
<Then let’s go find something better then> Jake replied scanning the area with his tiger eyes in between slashing deep gashes into Nazis. Suddenly overhead a large hole appeared in the clouds.
***
“My friends I believe that the body waste is about to run into the cooling device!” Omi yelled as a large rip opened in the air above them.
“I think you mean that the shit is about to hit the fan Omi.” Raimundo replied as he punched a robot in the face.
“That is exactly what I said!” Omi shouted over the noise of the hole being torn open even farther.
***
“What’s going on?” Twilight yelled over the sound of tearing sky.
“I have no idea!” Luna shouted back.
“By Celestia’s flaming orgasms turn it off!” Littlepip yelled as the noise reached deafening pitch. Suddenly the noise stopped and a face looked down from the heavens.
The face was covered in a short silver beard and mustache. The eyes had an amused glint in them, suddenly the head let out a boisterous belly laugh before in what others would define as an Irish or maybe Scottish accent said.
“Well if this isn’t an odd sight, Haskill did we give Pinkie permission to wage a giant battle inside our fantasy world?”
“No my lord you did not, although I don’t believe that this is her fault.” Haskill said in an annoyed voice.
“Is that so, it does sound like something I’d allow…” The head said trailing off.
“I’m positive sir.” Haskill replied. Twilight could picture him rolling his eyes as he said it.
“Well then we’ll have to go rescue her won’t we Haskill?” The first man said with a large grin.
“I believe that that would be a good idea sir.” Haskill replied. Suddenly the face in the clouds disappeared and a man appeared in the middle of the battlefield.
“Cheese for everyone!”