Chapter 4: Cutting In
The light blue stranger got on his hands and knees, still staring at the ground. Before Twilight could ask him if he was alright, he began to weave a lengthy tapestry of expletives and obscenities that would make one of Rainbow Dash's off days seem like a foal's storybook, directing a majority of them to his "jump pack," whatever that was. After about a solid ten seconds of shouting, he ended it with "fucking bullshit!"
"Hush!" Twilight said. "My assistant's still trying to sleep."
He continued. "What the fuck's with these lights and that beeping noise? For fuck's sake, turn it off!"
"What part of 'hush,' don't you understand?"
"What part?" he said as he stared at her. "How about the part where I appear a thousand feet in the fucking air because of the goddamned teleporting thing?! I could've fucking died if I had landed anywhere but on your house!"
He stopped ranting and looked up at the massive hole he'd left. "Oh, yeah..I, uh...sorry about that."
Twilight didn't answer him. She was too busy circling him like a hawk, taking in every little detail of his titanium-alloyed hide. Judging from the composition, she assumed it to be some sort of armor. Not a natural form of exoskeleton, as evidenced by the lights in the armor at various places as well as the being's polarizing visor.
"Dammit, what is this thing beeping about?!" he said as he tore the jump pack off of his back. Twilight heard a faint beep, and the biped fell silent.
"Is something the matter?" she asked.
"Well, that's perfect. That's just fucking perfect!" He proceeded to punt the jump pack into the wall, leaving a rather nice dent. "The fucking thing's broken!"
"And kicking it solves the problem, how?"
"Shut up!"
Twilight's ears folded as she backed away from the raging two-legged alien, not sure if she should try to help him fix his device or calm him down first. After another round of obscenities, he stopped for a second. The unicorn looked at him awkwardly before tip-hoofing a little closer.
"So, uh...do you have a name?"
"Church," he replied without looking at her.
"Nice to meet you, Church. My name is Twilight Sparkle."
"Who cares?" he replied. "I'm stuck on strange colorful planet with a..." He stopped talking when he turned around, and it all sank in.
"You're a unicorn."
"Uh-huh."
"You're actually a fucking unicorn."
Twilight cocked her head. "Yes. I don't see what's so hard to understand."
"You aren't real." Church said flatly.
"What are you talking about?" Twilight said. "I'm as real as you are!"
"You can't be real! First of all, you're a unicorn, and secondly you're talking! That's all sorts of fucked up! You know what? Fuck it. I don't even care anymore."
Twilight blinked at Church wordlessly again. Whatever he was, he was certainly very self-contradictory. She watched as he stood to his full height, head almost protruding through the hole in the ceiling that he'd made. Judging by her own height of six hooves, Church must've been at least eighteen hooves tall.
Eighteen? I thought only dragons and minotaurs were that size.
The two of them sat in awkward silence for a full five minutes before the light sounds of scaled feet on wood echoed through the trashed library. Spike gave a very tired "good morning" wave to Twilight before his eyes fell upon the cyan figure in the room. The small dragon blinked a few times and rubbed his eyes before letting out another yawn.
"I think I'm just going back to bed."
Church's eyes followed the dragon as he went back up the stairs. "You have a dragon, too. Where the fuck did I end up?!"
"I can answer that question!" the unicorn said. "You're in Ponyville, a village in the land of Equestria under--"
"That question was rhetorical."
"Oh, okay then."
Church crawled to the window and looked out at the empty streets, frowning at the thatched roofs and masonic buildings, all lined with hues of pink, yellow, and pale blue. "Talk about Barbie: Feudal Edition. Where is everybody anyway?"
"You mean 'everypony?'" Twilight asked.
"Everyp--...what? Forget it, forget I even asked. But yeah, the streets are all vacant. Looks like everybody's preparing for the zombie apocalypse or something."
"Everypony," Twilight corrected.
"Don't you ever shut up?"
Twilight opened her mouth to object, but stopped. It was better to humor this thing, what with its apparent anger management issues, than to argue with it. She could only hope that Rarity would have as much sense as she did to keep from antagonizing him. She went to the window that Church sat by and peered out. To her surprise, the biped was right. There wasn't a single pony in the street, considering it was such a nice day. It all seemed very reminiscent of the time Zecora came to town. Where did everypony go? And for what reason?
The questions racing through Twilight's mind ended abruptly when she heard a surprisingly firm "NO!" coming from the direction of Sugarcube Corner. And from Fluttershy, no less. As she'd been staring out the window, Church had pulled himself halfway out of the hole he'd made in the roof.
"And just where do you think you're going?" Twilight asked.
"Out to investigate. I've lost a, uh...friend of mine and I think he's here somewhere."
"Are you insane? If you go out there, you'll freak everypony out!"
"I'm in a land of rainbows and sparkles conversing with a fucking talking unicorn, and I survived falling at least a thousand feet without injury. I think it's safe to say that I'm either completely sane or I need to be institutionalized. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an idiot to find."
Fluttershy was uncertain if Caboose had been petting her for ten minutes or ten hours, but it was safe to say that Caboose was, at least as far as she could tell, completely harmless. She had just rested her head on the warmed cuisse of his armor, eyes almost shut when a loud and unfamiliar voice shook her back to reality. Her first reaction was to hide behind Caboose, peering warily over his shoulder for the source of the sound.
"Caboose!" A second stranger in lighter blue armor appeared around the corner of another building and immediately began storming towards them Twilight Sparkle stood a few paces behind him, the look on her face matching the confusion of everypony else.
"Who in the hay are you?" Applejack called out, barring his path to Caboose. She received her answer when Caboose stood up with Fluttershy still attached to his back.
"Church! You're here! Look at all the new friends I've made!"
The new stranger looked around at each of the ponies at Caboose's feet. "Yeah, whatever. Come on, we're going home."
Caboose sat back down in the circle of ponies, arms crossed as he shook his head. "No, I don't think I'm going to leave. Everyone's so nice here, and they give me so much cake! It's like everyday is my birthday but without presents, but that's okay because Pinkie gives me cake. She's nice. And so is Fluttershy."
Church tilted his head. "What did you just say?"
"I said no, I'm not going."
"Oh, don't even get started with me! Do you have any idea how much paperwork I'm going to have to do once we get back? First I sneak into a classified section of the Freelancer base, then I hijack what's probably a very expensive piece of military hardware designed to cross dimensions, and then I wreck this little talking horse's home..."
"Pony," Twilight corrected. "And I'm a unicorn."
"Shut up! Anyway, I do all this shit to get you and you tell me you're not coming back? Bullshit! You're coming with me and we're going home."
"Actually," the lavender unicorn cut it. "According the readout on the jump pack thing that you left in the middle of the library, you're not going anywhere until the--" She produced a piece of parchment with some scribbles on it. "-Slipspace capacitor has been replaced."
Church spun around and towered over Twilight, hands shaking in rage. "You...you just don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you?"
Caboose promptly picked up Pinkie Pie and hugged her. "Yay! We're staying!"
"Whee! You know what we need now?" The pink pony darted into Sugarcube Corner before returning with a small blue cannon. "A party!"
Church's hand slapped against his visor. Nothing was ever simple, was it? Some fucktard always had to throw a wrench into the plans to keep everything from going smoothly, and for once Caboose wasn't the one one tossing the aforementioned wrench.
"Dear God, just fucking kill me right now!" he shouted. "I did not come this far just to go back empty han--"
BANG!
His ranting stopped as Church was hit full in the face with a cannon ball of confetti and streamers. Every head around Caboose turned to see Pinkie Pie trotting up to the end of her cannon, blowing away the smoke trailing from the barrel before standing over the stunned and now streamer-bound Spartan.
"Are we all done being a mean meanie pants now?" she asked. Church said nothing for a while, his head reeling from the blast. "I'll take that as a yes. Now, where did that stereo go? This thing always jams when I try to--"
BLAM!
Out of the cannon popped a boombox already running a dance track. Caboose and the other ponies started dancing along to the merry tune, prompting a few of the curious inhabitants to emerge from their homes. Two small crowds began to form, one around Caboose and his new friends, the other around the spellbound Church. Twilight leaned over him, her face to his visor as she tapped his helmet with a hoof.
"Church, are you okay?"
"Yeah," he sighed. "I guess I am."