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// The ultimate price 
// Story: A Story Worth Telling 
// by Elkia Deerling 
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The ultimate price? More like the ultimate reward. The ultimate reward for my efforts, for my crusade, for everything I had done the moment I walked out of my front door. I had never imagined that leaving everything behind would mean losing everything I had. I lost my savvy, my trust, my will to live.



It hadn’t taken me long before I started crying once again. Luckily there was nopony who could see me. I cried and I walked, I walked and I cried, lost in my own vicious cycle of negativity. The dark deluge had swallowed me whole. What was there for me to do? Yes, I could have taken the job Apple Bloom had offered me, but I knew that would only mean disappointing yet more ponies—and not finding the meaning of my cutie mark at all. My crusade had failed. I had failed. And now, I was ready to accept my fate.



I stood on the train tracks. I had chosen a spot right after a curve. The train would have to take a turn, and there was a small patch of forest which would obscure the engineer’s vision. Hopefully, they wouldn’t spot me until it was already too late. Or, better still, I hoped that they wouldn’t spot me at all; it would save them the trauma.



Look what you’re doing, somepony inside my head said. First you let yourself down, then you let the construction worker down, and now you’re going to hurt somepony with your own miserable life. I knew the pony in my head was right. I was going to traumatize the engineer, and probably all of the other passengers too, once they found out why the train bumped and why it delayed. Has somepony ever done this before?



I wasn’t over-exaggerating. Not at all. My decision was a calculated one, and the only decision I had. I couldn’t continue my crusade. I couldn’t go back home, and not only because I didn’t have any money with which to pay the train ticket. At home there would be nothing for me. No love, no support, no future. Perhaps I would do Father and Mother and maybe even Sweet Mélange a favor, if I would end my own existence. Now that I think of it, that seemed most probable.



I couldn’t hear the train yet. I wasn’t scared. They say that when you’re about to die you see your own childhood flash by before your eyes. I guess I just had to wait a bit longer for that to happen. I swallowed, then placed my hoof on the iron part of the tracks. I could feel the slightest vibrations through the metal. Death was coming.



Turning my gaze forwards and up, I could see black patches of smoke drift over the forest ahead. To my own surprise, I started shuffling on my hooves. I was scared. But what was I scared for? The pain? There would be maybe a millisecond of pain, probably not long enough to be noticed by my brain. No. The only pain I would cause was emotional pain for the poor train driver who happened to be working on my dying day. And of course, the pain I would cause the Cutie Mark Crusaders. I could see them crying over the news once it reached the newspapers. Those poor little fillies! Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo had helped me, offered me chances, and now I forsook them. I simply gave up, not only on my stupid crusade, but also on life itself.



But, to return to my previous musings, what was I afraid of? The afterworld? Would there be an afterworld? Would it be beautiful, or a terrible place? I didn’t even care. The biggest torment I could imagine was not finding out what my cutie mark means. So that was what I was afraid of, that my crusade would continue in the afterworld, and that I would be searching for the true meaning of my cutie mark for ever and ever. There would not be a bigger torture than that, and it would hurt me much more than that puny little impact. What if my soul wouldn’t find rest until it has completed what its body should have?



Slowly, as if my hooves were made of hard and heavy concrete, I stepped off the rails, one hoof at a time.



Then I stepped back on them. There was no other way. Perhaps my soul would find rest. Wouldn’t that be just marvelous? Imagine a world in which there are no sorrows or worries—maybe even no cutie marks. I would end up in that world; the only thing I needed to do was to give my life. With a small nod, I decided that one life—my life—would be a small price to pay for eternal happiness.



The rumble had grown. I could feel it in the rails. The rails trembled lightly, and I trembled with it. I was still afraid. Not only for continuing my search for a cutie mark in the afterlife, eternally seeking. Because I knew that while there could be a negative world, in which I would do as I sketched before, and there could be a wonderful world, there could also be… nothing. What if there was indeed nothing, and I would simply stop existing once the deed had been done? I shrugged. Then I would be gone, simple as that. Nothingness seemed like a better option than staying alive without a chance. I would be done with my crusade, and my spirit wouldn’t need to live on, crying over the failure I was—or had been.



I had to hold on to option number two; the wonderful afterlife. The thoughts of such a world were at least a little hopeful—the last hope I possessed. I felt a droplet of sweat pearl off my brow. But it was winter! I was nervous, and even the hopeful thoughts of a beautiful afterlife couldn’t drive away the nervousness I felt. I realized that I had to keep my mind occupied. At first I started making calculations, but I stopped once I noticed that I was biting my lip. I had to think of something practical. A gruesome decision popped up in my head, fueled by the black veil which refused to lift. Should I face the train forwards or backwards?



It was the same decision you made if you boarded the train. Most ponies like to take the forward-facing seats, because it feels more natural. Some ponies even get nauseated when they see the world flash by through the window the wrong way. Ponies weren’t supposed to go backwards; they were supposed to go forwards. But, in my case, I would stop moving altogether.



I saw the smoke coming closer; the train had started to take the turn. Mere minutes separated me from the separation of my soul and my body.



But that did leave the matter unsettled. Forwards or backwards? Facing it forwards would give me the opportunity to estimate the time of my death. Or would it be better not to know? Would it be better not to know when I would die? It might be more cowardly to do so, but I realized that facing the train backwards could perhaps whisk away the nervousness I felt. I decided to try it out, and turned around.



I could hear the train coming. I could hear its metal wheels grating on the rails, accompanied with the huffs and puffs of the steam engine. That would be the last sound I would hear. I turned my ears backwards, trying to estimate the distance of the train by the proximity of the sound. I simply couldn’t estimate. I was sweating over my whole body. I knew it wouldn’t be long.



A steam whistle resounded. I jumped. They had spotted me. I cheated by looking over my shoulder. I had maybe ten seconds left to live. I turned my head back, facing my death backwards. Behind me, the screech of the brakes made my ears ring, but I knew they were too late. The train had seen me too late, and would still have enough speed to crush me. I started counting down.



“Five.”



I swore I could hear somepony call out. Maybe the engineer?



“Four.”



Just a few more seconds to live.



“Three.”



I wondered what they would put on my tombstone, if there would be anything left to bury.



“Two.”



I didn’t get to one. A whooshing sound, as if the air was split by a giant knife, sounded just above my head. It had been done.



Immediately, my spirit soared up into the sky. Higher and higher. I felt a knot in my stomach as I saw Equestria becoming smaller and smaller. A couple of hundred meters away, the train finally came to a halt. I looked away. I didn’t want to see my ravaged body staining the front of the train.



I could still think. Yes! There was an afterlife, and my spirit soared higher and higher to that place, whatever it was. I always imagined that the terrible afterlife would mean that you would go down, and that the wonderful life awaited up, as close to the sun as possible. I closed my eyes.



But something wasn’t right. I felt that I was descending. Slowly, I circled back towards the ground in a lazy glide. Opening my eyes, I saw how Equestria became bigger again, and how a snowy plain soared up to meet my hooves. Soon we had landed. Yes, ‘we.’ I wasn’t able to stand, and I still shivered over my whole body. As I lay down in the soft snow, I gazed up, looking at a bright blue pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail. I was looking at the element of loyalty: Rainbow Dash.



Warm tears dripped onto the cold snow as my mind reconstructed what had happened. I couldn’t yet speak, and instead sobbed quietly. I wasn’t worried about how I would look in the eyes of Rainbow Dash. Maybe I wasn’t even sad that my attempt at releasing myself from my sorrows had failed. I just cried.



“Yeah, I know I’m heroic and awesome,” Rainbow Dash said, “but I think you’re exaggerating a bit there. It’s usually the mares who cry, not the stallions.” I felt her hoof poking me. “Come on, pony up! I saved your life, it’s all over now. Come on.”



Dash’s voice was coarse and harsh. She urged me to get up and continue my life, completely missing the point why I had positioned myself on such a dangerous place.



Rainbow Dash tried to find my eyes, but I hid them in my hooves. “Oh, I get it,” she said. “You’re still a bit shaken after my rescue maneuver. Well, I can fill you in on the details. So I was flying around a bit, just cooling down in the cold air after a heavy Wonderbolt training exercise, when I saw you standing on the rails. I braced myself, swooped down, picked you up, and flew you back to safety.” After a pause she said, “What were you doing on the rails anyway? Were you snow-blind or something?”



How in Equestria could Rainbow Dash understand what I wanted to do? The fact that she couldn’t figure it out, that her mind couldn’t fathom such a terrible deed, made me let out a loud sob. Even Rainbow Dash, the most awesome flier and daredevil, who had seen a lot of terrible things herself, couldn’t grasp the idea of suicide. Of course she couldn’t. For her, life had been a breeze; she had everything she wanted. I had followed Dash’s career through my newspaper clippings. The moment she got famous, the press had followed her around a lot, and Dash didn’t mind; she always liked being the center of attention. I had read how she had joined the Wonderbolt reserves at first, and then ascended to become a full-on Wonderbolt. I even attended her first flight show with the Bolts in Ponyville. She lived her dream, and had reached her goal. The concept of suicide was utterly strange to her.



Suddenly, I saw her hooves, as Rainbow Dash walked around me. Then I saw her head, as she sat down. Finally, I saw her beautiful, rose eyes, as she lifted my chin with her hoof and looked me in the eyes. With a much softer voice, she said, “Hey, what’s the matter? Aren’t you glad I saved you?”



I couldn’t tell her, I just couldn’t. But neither could I bring myself to avert my gaze; that would be disrespectful. So we gazed at each other. I saw Dash’s eyes waver as her mind worked on the strange situation. Perhaps it was the silence, perhaps her last sentence, ‘Aren’t you glad I saved you?’ Whatever the case, she finally came to the right conclusion. She recoiled from me, leaving my head hanging. I heard her let out a gasp. “Oh my! You weren’t trying to… to…”



She couldn’t say it; I couldn’t say it. I just nodded my head as a new wave of sadness was accompanied by yet more tears.



“Oh my,” Rainbow Dash whispered. She looked at me completely differently now. She hadn’t saved somepony from a tragic accident; she had saved somepony from himself.



Rainbow Dash obviously had no idea what to do. How could she? I know she still wanted to help me, even though I didn’t deserve her help. The best thing she could do was grabbing me again, flying as high as she could, and letting me go. But I knew that was not going to happen. Rainbow Dash was the element of loyalty, and being loyal also meant helping fellow ponies and not leave them hanging. She was going to help me, even though I didn’t want that.



“I… eh…”Rainbow Dash stammered. “Let’s just… eh…” She was at a loss for words.



“Just leave me,” I said, my voice cracked. I had no idea how I was able to speak. “I don’t deserve your help.”



Dash stomped her hoof down. “Everypony deserves help, Mister,” she said. Her words were resolute.



“Not me.”



“Yes, you.” Dash stepped closer towards me. “You must allow yourself to receive help, just as you would allow somepony else to receive help.”



Was I really that selfish? I was dumbstruck by the simile. Of course it made sense, although my broken mind couldn’t accept it.



But Dash wasn’t done with her motivational speech. “Mister, you don’t want to know how often I have fallen out of the sky, rehearsing aerial acrobatics or trying out new tricks. But every time I fell down, I got up again. So must you. You fell down, and now you have to get up, simple as that. And if you can’t get up by yourself, then you need somepony to help you get up.”



I knew Rainbow Dash was a pony of deeds, not words, so it wasn’t surprising when I suddenly felt her strong hooves lift me up. “Come on, up you go,” she said. She spoke to me as if she were a coach, talking to her team in a strict voice, giving every member courage. Strangely enough, I felt myself obey, and after a push and a shove, I was back on my hooves, albeit a bit shakily. I didn’t agree with Dash’s words, and yet I couldn’t do anything but cooperate.



Dash once again looked for my eyes, which were darting about before settling on the snowy ground. “Let’s go to Twilight Sparkle. She’s my friend, and the smartest pony I know. If anypony in Ponyville could help you, I’m sure it’s her.”



I didn’t say anything; I didn’t even nod. I just followed the rainbow tail as it disappeared from view.



We walked for a long time, but I didn’t see much of the scenery, for my head hung low to the ground. It was as if my mind had forsaken me, and everything that was left of me was a hollow shell of a pony. It was as if I wasn’t really there at all, that I had actually died there on the tracks. My eyes were not mine, my hooves were not mine, my mind was not mine. The edges around my vision darkened, and I was not sure if that was because of the sadness I felt, or because of some illusion.



Rainbow Dash was silent. I could see the awkwardness in her posture, as she moved stiffly, tense. She still didn’t know what to say to a pony who had only minutes ago tried to take his own life. I couldn’t blame her. How do you socialize with a pony who didn’t want to live anymore? What do you talk about? What jokes do you make? Would jokes be appropriate at all? I knew none would, for I had the feeling that nothing in Equestria could cheer me up, not even the interpretation of my cutie mark, my crusade which seemed hidden in a faraway place where I couldn’t reach it, let alone see it.



My ears twitched as the sound of lively Ponyville reached them. Apparently, we had left the hills behind and had walked back in town. I raised my head. There were many brightly colored ponies cantering about. Some of them stopped to wave at Rainbow Dash or greet her in another way. Rainbow Dash had to be famous after all I had read about her. How famous she was… And now she was towing along a sad little heap of a pony, not worthy of only a minute of her companionship. I received a couple of strange stares as we passed through town square, strange stares for a strange pony. I finally found enough strength, both of body as of mind, to look around.



A pretty little market was going on in town square. Many stalls with crafted goods were scattered about, and ponies were laughing and smiling, enjoying the merry ambiance despite the freezing cold. If I would have felt better, I would surely have smiled at yet another display of cuteness in the already adorable town. But now, it left me as cold as the snow.



As we moved through the market. I tried to avoid as many stares as I could, all the while hoping that I wouldn’t ruin the fun. It felt alien to be here. The merrymaking, laughter, and fun was too big a contrast against my bleak mind. Luckily for me, we left the market behind, and instead moved along a long path. When I saw what lay at the end of it, my heart skipped a beat. The castle!



I had seen pictures, of course, but I had never witnessed the crystal brilliance that was the Castle of Friendship in person. Tiny crystal towers were attached to enormous crystal walls, which were held up in the air by a shiny, sparkling tree. Rainbow Dash had said that we were going to Twilight Sparkle, but that moment slipped my broken mind. My memory was crushed underneath the heavy load of blackness. I should have been excited and thrilled to see the castle for myself. But even about this I cared little to nothing. And besides, my visit wouldn’t be a cheerful one. I was going to make yet another pony sad with my mood. Way to go, Sweet Tooth!



We entered the castle. To the left and right were large hallways, amplifying Rainbow Dash’s voice as she yelled, “Twilight!”



“Coming!” a voice yelled back.



I was going to meet the princess, but I didn’t want to make her sad with my pathetic story. I wanted to run, but at the same time I didn’t care. I turned around.



“Whoa there,” Rainbow Dash said, as she unfolded her wing and blocked the way.



Behind me, double doors opened. I turned around, gazing at the princess of friendship.



She was standing on a balcony overlooking the entrance. She trotted down the stairs. When she saw me, a smile curled her lips. “Hello there, what can I do for you?”



Nothing. Nopony could help me. I averted my gaze.



Rainbow Dash took over the conversation. “Hey Twilight. We were wondering if you could help us. This here is eh…”



I obviously had to say my name, but I didn’t. I was overcome by an ultimate shame. Shame that the princess of friendship had to deal with such a loser like me. I had read the newspapers. Twilight Sparkle had solved friendship problems all over Equestria, making sure that the magic of friendship got strengthened wherever she went. Helping other ponies was her cup of tea. Sadly, she couldn’t help me. I was a problem that couldn’t be solved.



In the silence, Princess Twilight Sparkle kept smiling at me, patiently waiting. Rainbow Dash wasn’t so patient. As soon as she saw that I wasn’t going to say anything, she flew up to meet her friend halfway up the stairs. Rainbow Dash whispered something to Princess Twilight which I couldn’t hear. It would probably have hurt me if I could. They stood like that for a minute or two, when suddenly Princess Twilight’s ears perked up, and she let out a small gasp which she couldn’t suppress good enough for me not to notice. Dash had told her.



Rainbow Dash stayed behind, while the princess continued her descend. My knees buckled, and I fell down in an awkward bow. At least I had the presence of mind and courtesy to give the princess a sign of respect.



“Oh, please don’t bow,” Princess Twilight Sparkle said. Just a hoof length separated us. I raised shakily, afraid to meet the princess’s gaze. When I did finally meet hers, I realized I had all the right to be fearful. The eyes were wise and caring; two qualities I didn’t possess.



“I heard the story from Rainbow Dash,” she said. Her voice was that of a teacher’s, ready to spread knowledge, yet not strict. I couldn’t turn my ears the other way. “I heard the story,” she repeated, “but I guess that is only half of it. You should tell me the rest of the story. Trust me, it will be good for you to do so. If you want, Rainbow Dash can stay too. Would you like that?”



The words reached my ears, but it took a moment to make a decision. I shook my head slowly. The fewer ponies I would infect with my sadness, the better.



“Very well.” Princess Twilight turned around, nudged with her head, and Rainbow Dash hovered over to the door. “If there’s anything I can do, pony, you just have to ask,” Dash said. Then she closed the door and I was alone with the princess.



“Let’s go to my study,” the princess said. Without a word, I followed.



The shiny hallways didn’t do anything for me, didn’t move me. My heart felt as empty as the hallways. Warmth radiated off the roof, probably produced by the light glowing crystals. The light seemed cold to me.



As we reached the study, Princess Twilight and I stepped inside. The princess motioned to a comfortable-looking chair, and I sat down. Shoving another chair to the opposite side with her magic, Princess Twilight sat down as well. “Shall I get you some tea or coffee?”



I shook my head.



“Very well.” Princess Twilight looked behind her, searched for a moment, and then floated a quill and a notebook over. She let them float in front of her, low enough to look me in the eyes. Then she cleared her throat, swallowed, and began.



“So, why don’t you tell me your name for starters,” she said, her voice as gentle as could be.



I couldn’t refuse to a princess. “My name is Sweet Tooth, Princess Sparkle.”



The princess waved a hoof. “Oh, please. Twilight will do.”



I wasn’t going to call her that.



The princess sat up straighter. “Do you trust me enough to tell me the whole story, Sweet Tooth?”



How could I not trust the princess of friendship? “Yes,” I said, my voice wavering.



“I’m afraid I am no expert on mental health,” Princess Twilight said, “but I can listen to what you have to say and maybe give you some advice. I have read several books regarding sicknesses of the mind, so maybe I can take away some of the pain.”



I shook my head slowly as she was talking, ever so slowly. She noticed it.



“I know things might seem bleak, Sweet Tooth, but there are ponies who can help you. I can be your first step towards them. I know you will feel better when you talk about the things that drove you to such… drastic measures.”



I had to admire her verbal tact. I didn’t want to share my misery, to saddle the princess of friendship herself with my unfortunate encounters and failure. Yet, she wanted to help me, and besides, she asked me to. If I wanted to forsake myself, that was fine. But disobeying a princess went too far. I told her my story—all of it. I tried to leave out as many painful moments as I could, and avoid intricate description of my emotions, but those were the very things Princess Twilight asked about the most, as she was trying to get a picture of them. What I did wasn’t important; what I felt was. Princess Twilight could already see that emotions were going to play a central role in my healing process. Every time I spoke about my feelings, her quill moved across the paper, captured in a magical haze. Especially the matter of my cutie mark crusade was of interest to her.



“I guess that took some bravery,” Princess Twilight said. “Leaving home and hearth behind permanently would probably have been a hard decision. A brave decision too.”



It wasn’t brave, it was foolish. And the decision hadn’t been hard at all. Princess Twilight could see that. It was as if she had read my mind and seen my thoughts, and after some more questions, she asked me how my home situation was. I told her exactly how it was.



“I’m not angry at my parents or even at my brother,” I said. “I now realize that they wanted to offer me stability, however boring it would be. How could I be so selfish?”



But the princess shook her head. “You weren’t selfish, Sweet Tooth. The way you describe everything, I think you suffer from some sort of trauma, and the source is in your family.”



I wasn’t sure I could accept such a thing. I wasn’t sure about anything. I started swaying back and forth as thoughts jumbled through the mess that was my head.



Princess Twilight Sparkle saw that I was having a hard time. She put the quill and the notebook down, and focused her attention on me. “I have made some notes about you, Sweet Tooth,” she said. “I’m sure that with the right treatment, maybe some medicine too, you will feel better. But I’m afraid I can’t give you such a treatment, let alone medicine. I’ll have my assistant Spike send the notes and a request for a treatment over to the Ponyville hospital. I know that they have a wing dedicated to mental illnesses. Even though it is quite new, it’s also very innovative. They try out new treatment methods in the Ponyville hospital, so I’m sure there will be a treatment which will work best for you.”



I suddenly recoiled, breathing heavily. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second. Treatment? Medicine? I didn’t want some doctor wasting his time with me. And besides, I wasn’t sure I could retell my whole story again without falling into tears. Oh, the humiliation that would await me at the doctor. And medicine? I had never before needed to take any medicine; I was as healthy as a fish in the water and always have been. And besides, who was going to pay for medicine? I was broke.



Once again, Princess Twilight had guessed my thoughts. Who knows, maybe she had actually been reading my mind the whole time. She was the element of magic, after all. The princess blinked and nodded. “Don’t worry about the costs, Sweet Tooth. I would be more than happy to pay for everything. I’m pretty sure the doctors will give the treatment for free when they see that the letter came from me.”



I winced. Was I really that pathetic? Right at that moment, I knew that I wasn’t worthy of being with the princess. She was so good for me. She had helped me so much, and now she was going to pay to save my wretched life? I don’t know how often I thought that, but I didn’t deserve any of this. I shuffled on my seat, then stood up. “I have to go,” I said, hoping to sound at least a little polite. “You shouldn’t help me, Princess Twilight, it’s not worth it.”



The princess stood up as well. “Of course it’s worth it. A pony’s life is worth more than a few Bits. I have traveled all over Equestria, helping ponies in need of magic or friendship. Everywhere I went, I made things better, I set things right. I have helped ponies, and I’m going to help you too. What you are going to do is nothing different. You are sick, and you need treatment, it is as simple as that. Perhaps your situation is even harder than any friendship problem, but it can be solved. You can get better. You just have to give it a chance, and not walk away.”



While the princess talked, I stood still. I was on the verge of walking out of the castle, leaving the princess and my opportunity behind. An opportunity to seek treatment, to help me get better. But I wasn’t sick; I was a failure. Surely there was no way to cure failing, or at least, I had never heard of it. I looked at the princess. She looked back with hopeful eyes. But she knew it was I who had to make the decision, and I had to make it now. Behind her hope, I saw worry. She had no idea what I would do once I would walk out the door, and, to be honest, I didn’t know either. I was a loose cannon; a danger to myself. After having spoken to me and given me the opportunity to seek help, the princess’s heart would be broken once I would end my life. I was close to death; it followed me wherever I went. In my mind, I was already thinking of another way to do it. Luckily I wasn’t a pegasus, so if I could find a length of rope…



I took a step towards the door; Princess Twilight did one towards me. She didn’t say anything; the decision was mine to make. She just looked at me, and then she stuck out her hoof.



So we stood for a long time. Pondering, hoping, planning.



“You can do this, Sweet Tooth,” Princess Twilight said.



I felt tears coming up. After all she had seen of me, she still didn’t give up on me.



“Why?” I said.



“Because you are smart, I’ve seen that much,” the princess said, putting her hoof back down. “Every decision you made was a calculated one. You have always used your head. That’s why I think treatment will work for you, because you’re smart and you can strengthen your mind.”



“I didn’t make any decisions,” I said. I did a step closer to the door. “It was fate that guided me, but I myself ruined it. Fate gave me all of the options, but every time I blew it. Rainbow Dash had saved me. I suppose I should be angry.”



“Why would you be angry?”



“I should be angry at fate that it betrayed me, that it stopped me from taking my own life. Cutie marks are a lie. Destiny is a lie. Fate is a lie.”



The princess flashed a thin smile. “That’s exactly what I meant.”



“What?” I had forgotten how to speak with two words.



“You’re saying all of these things, because you think and philosophize; your mind is deep. That is your strength, your virtue. And that is what will help you get out of the darkness.” Princess Twilight Sparkle raised her hoof once more. “Will you give yourself that chance? A last chance?”



No. I didn’t want to give myself that chance. Then why did I take a step towards Princess Twilight? Why did I take another one? Why did I stick out my hoof as well? Why did the princess’s smile grew broad as she took my hoof in hers?



To this day, I have no idea how I managed to do that.  was actua �rQ