In the week that Discord had recovered from the flu, he was surprised to find out that many things had happened around Ponyville to the point that some of the things that happened really threw him off guard. For one thing, Luna’s piece on Twilight’s novel had definitely worked out and barely anypony was arguing anymore. As for the Princess of Friendship herself, she had happened to take on some staffing members with the help of Filthy Rich, one of the two Riches that was actually tolerable around town. The other… not so much.
So when it came to the story that he was going to cover for this week, he was going to do something rather… unexpected. He planned on rolling the dice. The show was called ‘Last Week Tonight’, so he was going to cover any of the major headlines that happened within the week that Luna did the last episode, no matter what it was. Which, also meant that it left him feeling a bit concerned about not knowing what he was immediately going to cover. But what’s the harm in trying something risky? After all, it’ll feel interesting to mix things up.
As he started the show, he looked back at the camera and donned the same suit and tie from the gala as he looked at the camera. “Welcome back to Last Week Tonight everyone, I’m Discord, whose suit looks like he had just took a cannonball into a pool of orange juice,” The single statement had got the crowd laughing and fired up again as he looked back at the camera. “First, I would really like to thank Luna for helping me out last week. She did a really amazing job, don’t you agree?” Everypony definitely agreed with what the draconequus said as he smiled and looked back at everypony.
“Now… tonight’s episode is actually going to be rather different. Since this is called ‘Last Week Tonight’ after all… what major stories occurred within the last week that we should be discussing?” He asked… followed by a clip that even caught him off guard.
“Prince Blueblood has been suspended by Princess Celestia and her sister for ninety days after actions taken against some foreign ambassadors that were visiting Canterlot earlier this week-”
That… had Discord shudder up for a moment for two reasons. “No… no, please don’t tell me we are doing something on Blueblood. How exactly is something about him this important? He looks like a pony who denies to let his mane change color naturally and dyes his hair to prove it.” Discord’s comment came with another image of Blueblood personally dying his mane blond, even though his actual mane looked like a dark leather brown. “Also, quick side note… you only suspended him for ninety days? That’s insanely short… If you put a cup of yogurt in the fridge the day he was suspended, he could still be able to eat it when he gets back.”
The whole crowd was laughing in response, but the draconequus wasn’t quite done yet. “Although… it probably will be gone and I’ll tell you why…” That proceeded with an image of Princess Twilight and Filthy Rich looking at one another, rather confused… followed by the second image… of a light lavender mare with a brown mane and tail within their newly formed finances division eating the yogurt and using her magic to conjure what looked like a middle finger as she was flipping off Blueblood. “Janice in accounting don’t give a buck…”
That was followed by the spirit of chaos copying the motion of opening up a cup of yogurt while also flipping off the camera before he then asked one main question. “So back to my main question… How is something involving an adopted douchey prince important?”
“The Suspension… along with the reaction of one of the ambassadors in question is now bringing up a rather important issue regarding Personal Protection when the newly established Dragon Lord, Ember, was seen punching Blueblood. Who said that her response was because Blueblood insulted her personal appearance numerous times throughout her visit and kept on saying that he didn’t expect to see a dragon of her ‘body size’. She also said that he was within her personal space and also tried to seduce her-”
That definitely grossed out the crowd as Discord himself was having a hard time wrapping his head around to what he just heard. “O…… kay, that was something I think all of us did not need to hear. But, to be fair, if you cut out all the filler of what you just heard, we can get straight to the main point.” He replied as a new title card showed up for the broadcast. “Personal Protection… the kind of protection in which can be taken in so many ways that we can’t cover all of them on this show due to… reasons.” That was shown with an image of Cadence winking at the crowd as Discord sighed and asked for the image to disappear already.
“Let’s be clear on the kind of protection that we are talking about first off,” The Draconequus stated. “This isn’t Witness Protection, the kind of protection from guards used to protect those who have witnessed a crime. This isn’t Prison Protection, the kind where Royal Guards are assigned to protect those who go into Tartarus. Nor is this the kind of protection where you would find yourself stranded on a wall in the far north, join the night's watch and wear iconic coats that can be easily fashioned out of a rug sold at neigh-kea.”
The last part had some of the audience laughing at the instruction manual inside for making a coat from ‘Game of Thronies’ as he had pushed that aside and got back on topic. “No, what we are talking about is Personal Protection. The kind of protection that fits under to obligations of matters such as Self Defense… or as most ponies think nowadays, ‘The legal definition of punching a douche’.” Again, the crowd laughed as the same image of Ember hitting Blueblood and some of his teeth falling out were seen in a freeze frame that looked to be in super slow mo. “But most of the time, things don’t work out like that in and outside of Canterlot. In fact, there have been times where Personal Protection wasn’t needed and that was when things were much more peaceful. Nowadays, with what had happened over the years with Lord Tirek and Queen Chrysalis, many ponies are wanting to have it back. It’s something that is natural to want, but shouldn’t necessarily have.”
Now was when Discord almost lost his train of thought. Normally, if he had more time to prepare such things, he would use an analogy to make it relatable. Now though, it was hard for him to come up with one on the spot. Yet, after five seconds, he thought of one that fit rather well. “Personal Protection is… like the cherry-changa. When you can’t have it, it’s so tantalizing and causes your mouth to water just by thinking about it, but once it’s brought back and you watch other ponies eat it, you and your mercenary buddy in red and black spandex think… this is ethically wrong, should this exist in a civilized society?” That got a lot of ponies laughing louder than normal for a moment before he added onto it. “By the way, that’s a new slogan for you cherry-changa, you are welcome.”
That was followed with a poster of the cherry-changa with the new slogan as Discord looked back at his audience. “Now… one of the major problems with something like Personal Protection is that in this current day and age, nopony knows about it. We’ve even asked some ponies around Equestria and just listen to the kind of responses they gave.”
“Personal Protection? Isn’t that like having a bodyguard or something?”
“Why would you need personal protection when you can protect yourself?”
“Who would we even need to protect if somepony did need personal protection.”
“Hehe… Personal Protection… PP… Classic…”
Everypony in the audience, along with Discord for that matter, were not only surprised but also grossed out by the last response. “Oh come on… You’re a grown stallion and you’re making crude humor that you would expect from colts! Act your age for Celestia’s sake!!” The draconequus took a deep breath in order to try and calm himself down as he looked back at him. “That guy is just as bad as any of the nobles in Canterlot… and he doesn’t live in Canterlot. The overwhelming majority of ponies are so uneducated on the subject that any guesses that would’ve been made would be completely wrong… So tonight, let’s cover three major talking points. One, what the heck is Personal Protection? Two, how the heck would this apply to you? And three, how can we make sure that everypony knows more about this.”
With that, Discord now was beginning to explain part one of his talk. “For the first part, personal protection is something that doesn’t have one specific definition to it, but rather multiple forms. First, there’s Personal Protective Equipment, something in which many of the ponies on the workforce would use to keep themselves safe while on the job. However, before you ask… this isn’t what I’m referring to.” Next was an clip of a colt in Ms. Cheerilee’s class when they were doing the kart derby race… who was completely embarrassed since his mother covered his limbs and body in bubble wrap for safety. “As we all learned from last week… this is what happens when family somehow happens to turn something you’re looking forward to into something you forever dread… and I feel extremely bad for the colt that had to go through that. Mostly because I have similar memories of the same thing happening to me when I was his age.”
The image that was shown afterwards was of Discord as a kid being wrapped in bubble wrap by Princess Celestia and Luna as he looked at them with a very unamused expression. Causing the crowd to roar in laughter at that before Discord got to what he was trying to tell them. “Personal Protective Equipment is basically suits or clothes you would wear on the workforce in order to protect yourself from harm. Like hard hats if you are a miner, a bee suit for if you are a beekeeper or a suit of armor if you’re part of the guard. Though, I’m a little unsure about how effective those suits of armor would be with their new guard captain always charging head first and throwing them into a wall.” That moment also included an image of the moment that Shining Armor got slammed by the new guard captain, Scorched Ash, during a training exercise.
“The other form of Personal Protection on the list is self defense, the kind of personal protection that is normally shown in any famous martial arts movie over the years. Just watch this excerpt from ‘The Karate Colt’ and you’ll see what I mean.” The draconequus’ comments were soon followed by a montage of several scenes that involved either the main character of the film training with his teacher or the moment when he was facing any opponents in a martial arts tournament.
After the montage was when the camera was focused back on Discord as he began to speak shortly after all the cheers in the audience subsided. “Movies like that would make you think that it’s either too easy… or too much of a commitment. Just look at all the ponies that sign up for gym memberships and then never really go to the gym.” More laughter boomed throughout the room as an image of an earth pony with a gym t-shirt was passed out on the couch. “But Self Defense is actually rather vital. It’s being able to protect yourself from thieves, stalkers and also a douchey prince with the demeanour of a sexual predator that has a lack of brains. Whether it’s a strong buck to the ribs, a hoof to the face or just having something on hand to protect yourself… this stuff, unlike that gym membership you don’t really need, is important.”
For a moment, the next image showed a brainless Blueblood and also whipped back around to show the Gym Pony again before Discord continued. “But you don’t have to use this just for yourself. Sometimes, these skills are vital to help other ponies who may be too scared to defend themselves. Of course… just be a little bit careful on your surroundings.” The next clip showed some stallion thinking that she was hearing someone get robbed and stopped a mugger, only to realize that it was all part of an act on a movie that was being filmed at the time. Which, of course, had everypony and even Discord laughing at the implications. “What makes that even more hilarious is that happened in Applewood, the capital of Equestrian Film-making and wherever you go, some form of movie is being made! You can barely tell what is and what isn’t really just a scene for an upcoming summer blockbuster.”
Some more humor soon circled around before Discord took a deep sigh. “But in all seriousness, this issue is rather important. In fact, a recent poll found that 85% of those who participated in a safety quiz to see if they can protect themselves failed. Which… to the general notion of the public is rather 5% at best. It essentially breaks down like this,” He said as a pie graph now showed of what he believed made up the Equestrian population based on personality. “5% are failures, 10% don’t know any better, 65% are assholes, most of which make up the population of nobles, 14% are weirdo’s, 5% are decent ponies… and then of course… Fluttershy.” Giving those statistics were one part of what he had in store though as he looked back at the camera.
“Right now though, you may be thinking… well, talking about this is all nice, Dissy. But what are you exactly going to do about it? And to that I say…… I’m glad you asked. Because while preparing for this week, we decided to do a public service announcement on the matter of Personal Protection and we got the best spokesman for it.” Everyone began to cheer a bit more as Discord asked for everyone to calm down for just a second and wait until he was done talking. “Remember during the cherry-changa statement when we mentioned the red and black spandex anti-hero? Well, turns out… He decided to lend a hand with this… while giving some ponies a much needed reality check. Please… enjoy.”
“SHOE HORNED IN CROSSOVER!!!” The red and black spandex anti-hero yelled as he jumped out of a portal before facing the general direction of the audience. “‘Sup! I’m Deadpool from MrAquino’s ‘Deadpool in Equestria’, here to give this fic at least 1000+ more views and a chance to be featured on Fimfic.net!”
All this did was leave the camera-mare who was filming at the time look back at the merc with the mouth in complete and utter confusion. “... What?”
“Anyways! Ya’ll midget horses gotta horses gotta learn how o ’fend yourself!”
Before he could continue though, he soon heard two other voices that were interrupting his thought process. Stuffy and Crazy Must you really say it like that?
Come on! It'll allow for us to get in touch with the locals!
Yeah... in Appleloosa... We're in Applewood.
Hehe! You said 'wood'!
The last comment from Crazy didn’t help out with Stuffy’s reasoning as he had to groan to himself before saying something new. Think of it like this... we're in pony Hollywood, not pony Dallas right now. You’re in a movie making capital, not a farm ranch.
“Please! You want me to go full ghetto on ‘em?” Deadpool asked, pulling out and cocking a gold handgun while putting on a backwards cap, a gold chain, and purposely lowering his pants to show his Luna printed underwear (with a horn sticking out of his nether region) “I’mma cap some guy’s ass!”
“Sweet Celestia! Pull up your pants!” The cameraman begged.
“NEVER!!!”
Ugh… Can we please do this over? Shortly after hearing that, the small scene was cut off and then brought back to the start. This time with the anti-hero not acting like a full blown gangster.
You’re no fun!
“Agreed!” Deadpool replied. “But, if you must, I GUESS we can TRY to make a PSA. But we’re going to do it G.I.Joe style: with plenty of terrible advices at the wrong times!” He put on a green army helmet and saluted in front of the Equestrian flag. “GO POOL!!!”
“... I need a raise.” The Cameraman spoke to himself, before being forced to follow Deadpool throughout the entire city and endure his crazy shenanigans along the way.
“The First thing you need to know on how to defend yourself is the right weapon. Personally, I prefer using handguns, but since none of you ponies have hands, we’ll go with the weapons that strike fear into everyone’s heart: A noose, a whip, a nightstick, and a job application! But this is to be safe. If you want the REAL deal for breaking other people, use other things like baseball bats, shovels, crowbars, or your own partner!”
I would think pepper spray or Hand-to-hand combat would work personally. We’re trying to teach them to defend themselves, not kill each other.
Come on, you’re going against the theme! Terrible advice at the wrong times!
*Sigh* I feel exactly like that cameraman pony right now.
“Moving right along…” Deadpool said as he soon approached a earth pony stallion with a feather shaped cutie mark. “When it comes to defending yourself, it’s not always about what you use, but where do you apply it too!! Like a band-aid before ripping it off five minutes later! Now sir… What is your name?”
“Uh… Feather Bangs?”
“Heh… I like this guy already.” Deadpool snickered,. “So ‘Bangs, what do you think of Personal Protection?” The reaction that he got from the stallion was him chuckling a bit as the anti hero raised an eyebrow. “What’s so funny?”
“Heh… Sorry, but when you just said that, I thought PP-” Before the stallion could finish, he was caught off guard when Deadpool suddenly kicked him in the crotch, causing him to bend over and shiver in pain.
“See kids! Always aim low!!! It’s everyone’s weak point when you apply enough force!!” He said, before looking back at the stallion. “And for the record, I do better when it comes to dick jokes.”
“... Mommy…” Feather Bangs wheezed.
“And when they're down, don't just run away, MAKE THEM PAY!!! Kick them on the ground as they're already in pain!” He kicked Feather Bangs harder, making the stallion cry. “And use your weapons, or anything within the immediate vicinity for extra damage!” He grabbed a purse and whacked Feather Bangs with it. “Or if you want to, tea bag them and make them call you your daddy.” He began to tea bag the stallion, his junk touching Feather’s face. “WHO’S YOUR DADDY!?!?!?”
“...You are…”
“WHO'S YOUR DADDY!?!?!?”
“YOU ARE!!!”
Umm… That’s a bit excessive.
So, who cares if it’s excessive!?
You do realize that the editors will still have to go over everything when we’re done here.
“If that’s the case, let’s break it down nice and simple!” Deadpool declared, having a tripod land on top of Feather Bangs as Deadpool was now dressed in the clothes of a college professor. Using a pointer in his hand, he pointed out each of the steps on the canvas that had his main points… while also making the stallion groan in pain each time he smacked the board with his pointer. “Step one, Learn how to defend yourself with the right weapon whether it’s an employment application or a baton! Step two, when defending yourself, use enough force in order to prevent them from harming you or make them weak at the knees. Step three, which is my favorite and sometimes optional… HUMILIATION!! You don’t think you would let Bluebroke get away with something like this here if he tried to do it to you. Just because he’s a nephew of a princess doesn’t make him special-”
Yeah… about that… Blueblood’s adopted.
Pfft. Yeah right. That’s just an excuse for humiliation.
I’m being serious… Don’t take it from me. Why don’t you ask that cameraman pony that you’ve had follow you around all day?
That had Deadpool stop for a moment before looking back towards the camera pony. “So wait… Blueblood’s adopted?”
“Uh… apparently so? Everypony found out when Discord revealed it on his talk show… you know… the one you’re doing this PSA for?” All that did was cause a devilish smirk to appear on the mercenaries face as he looked at the camera.
“Please excuse me for a moment… I have some business to attend to… In the meantime, make sure to follow these three simple steps and you may stand a chance against the next season premiere/finale!!” He shouted, before disappearing in a flash, causing the cameraman pony to groan a little bit as he watched the events unfold.
“I hope this doesn’t cause a controversy… I might need a new job after this.”
With it, the video was close to finishing up… just as some final words now appeared on screen. “Protection… the one thing to protect yourself from all the dicks in the world…” Followed by an extra section that was whispered on camera. “#That’sWhatSheSaid.”
Next Morning
Upon waking up this morning, Twilight felt that something seemed… off. Since asking Filthy Rich for some help with handling operations and staff at the castle, things had become… much less of a headache than normal. Especially with Starlight and Trixie helping Thorax back at the Changeling Kingdom trying to convince his brother to not accept love from others as a sign of weakness, which was weird in itself since Twilight did not know that Thorax actually had a brother.
Yet, it was just as she trotted into the kitchen to get herself some coffee that she… actually found that somepony was already there… and looking back at her. “Oh, good morning… How are you doing?” The Alicorn asked the mare. Yet… the mare’s response was just to use part of her magic in order to flip Twilight off as she was about to leave the kitchen.
What made that encounter worse was that the unicorn that was walking away also the special coffee cup that Spike had made for her last Hearts Warming. A mug that had the words ‘World’s greatest Princess’ on the front with the cutie mark being on the handle. And this mare really did not care if it was Twilight’s or not, even if she politely pointed it out to her.
“Good morning, Princess,” A familiar voice caught her attention, turning to see Filthy Rich not far from where she was standing. “Did you sleep well last night? You look like you woke up from a nightmare.”
“I-i’m fine…” Twilight replied, shortly before shaking her head in order to make sure that she was awake. “Would you happen to know that mare that’s walking down the hall?”
Filthy Rich looked in the direction where Twilight was pointing her with before taking a deep sigh and answering the Princess’ question. “Looks like you met Janice this morning.”
“I’m sorry, who?” Twilight replied, looking a little bit confused for a moment as the earth pony began to explain.
“She’s in the accounting division. Brilliantly smart mare and good with numbers… However, she’s rather antisocial and… to put it in the best possible terms, she doesn’t give a buck about most things… In fact, that’s what most of her application actually states. Anything that isn’t relevant to her job or anything else, she doesn’t really care about them.” He explained, before asking another question. “How well was your encounter with her this morning?”
“She trotted off with the mug that Spike made for me during last year’s Heart’s Warming and also flipped me off with her magic.”
“Oh you got off easy then,” The stallion’s words not only made Twilight puzzled, but also made her want to figure out what exactly did he mean by that. “She’s eaten any dessert that Spoiled Rich had saved for herself, claimed ownership of some islands that ponies were trying to make in the middle of the nearby lake and also was the one pony who actually won last years Fantasy Buckball League amongst the staff when they were working for me.”
“Uhm… The l-last one doesn’t sound too concerning…”
“Yeah… excuse my prench, but she doesn’t give a buck about sports…”
“Oh… right.” Twilight replied, before looking back at him. “Should I be concerned?”
“Ehh… I was originally concerned when I first brought her on to help with my families finances, but if you get past her antics, she’s actually a very smart mare.” The earth pony told her. “Most recently before you asked us to help you, we found out that even though she doesn’t have a job, Spoiled Rich’s trying to leech off my retirement savings in order to try to buy jewelry and other expenses.”
Twilight blinked for a moment, before looking back at Filthy Rich. “Isn’t that a bad thing?”
“Yeah…” Filthy Rich chuckled, before adding onto that. “For her.”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY CARD IS DECLINED!?! I DEMAND AN ANSWER NOW!!”
“Wow… that’s something…”
“I’ll say.” Both Twilight and Filthy Rich almost jumped at that, turning to see a bipedal figure in the corner of the kitchen, flipping pancakes. “Oh don’t mind me… I’m just making breakfast.”
“W-What are you doing!? How did you get in here?!” Twilight asked.
“What? I’m Pancake!! ... Also, quick side note, your Castle has a real lack of doors… and windows,” The figure replied for a moment. “Now can I please have some privacy? I gotta be alooooone for me to work my pancake magic!” Both Twilight and Filthy Rich looked at each other for a moment and slowly decided to back out of the room and leave this… whoever he was, alone.
Of course, it was only thirty seconds after deciding to leave the kitchen that they heard a loud crash and turned around to find the whole kitchen overflowing with pancakes… and the same guy cooking them speaking casually. “Oh, how I love the smell of 372,844 pancakes in the morning… Smells like victory.”
All Twilight could do was just facehoof herself as she looked back at the masked stranger. So much for trying to have a calm morning. “Thirty bits that this is Discord’s doing?”
“I second that notion.”