"Well?" Celestia repeated, raising an eyebrow impatiently.
I realised I'd been stock still for several seconds, not answering her question. After nearly telling her to fu-
"Will you answer my question Vladimir!"
Uh oh, she called me Vladimir.
Yep, she's definitely pissed off.
"I was errr......going to suggest....that you errr...." I babbled, making a fool of myself.
"That I what?" she asked as she slowly walked up to the bed.
"......invite your lovely self in for a cup of tea?"
Celestia looked down at me, still with an eyebrow raised. I don't like to admit it but I was quite scared of her right then, she could be quite intimidating when she wanted to be. Especially now when she towered over me, whereas before when I was still human I stood eye level with her.
"Really? Because I was under the impression you were about to tell me to....well I won't say what you were going to say; But you should be glad you didn't."
"What would have happened to me if I did?"
Celestia's frown turned into a smile, "So you admit it."
My eyes widened in realisation.
Damn.
I pouted in annoyance at being outsmarted, which only resulted in Celestia giggling at my pouty expression.
"Seriously though," I said, "What would you have done?"
"Put you on the naughty step for a hundred years."
"You don't have naughty step, you're just joking."
"Am I?" she responded, with a perfect poker face, "Anyway, I believe you know why I'm here."
"Is it about the doctor knowing about who I am?"
"No, he would have discovered your 'situation' whenever he accessed your medical file."
"Is it.....about Wabbajock bucking me in the barrel?"
Celestia frowned slightly, "This doesn't involve Applejack."
"Is it about.....the price of tea going up?"
"WHAT?!"
I nodded my head, "Yeah, it went up to one bit fifty pence per pound."
"Sweet me, I guess that explains the now noticeable fewer cups of tea I'm served in the castle. I seems I have no option but to increase the royal tea budget."
"You have a tea budget?"
"Indeed I do. From what you told me when we first met, I would have thought that you of all ponies would understand the importance of tea."
"England lives on it."
"Quite. But back to the matter at hoof. You know why I am here," she said, looking seriously at me again.
I huffed in annoyance, "How is it my fault if your fluffy subjects are all overly sensitive delicate little snowflakes who can't handle a little joke."
Celestia frowned once more, "Asking my subject if her animals are retarded is not, as you put it, a little joke."
"I wasn't referring to Fluttershy's animals, I was referring to all Equestrian animals."
"How does that make it better?"
Great.
Now she's trying to make me feel guilty.
To be honest, I did a bit. After all, Fluttershy was one of the ponies to help me. And her kind and gentle nature made it impossible for any decent person to intentionally hurt her in any way. I think Celestia noticed my guilt because the next thing I felt was Celestia's hoof under my chin, gently pulling it up.
"Listen to me Apollo," she said in her sweet, motherly voice, "I'm not angry with you. Disappointed, yes; but angry, no. I know you didn't intend to hurt Fluttershy's feelings, but you must remember my subjects live in a peaceful world where crime, violence, poverty and war and virtually non-existent."
"I know," I replied, sighing, "I'm just.....angry about what's happened to me over the past few weeks. I no longer have a family or any friends....I'm alone."
"Apollo, listen to me," Celestia said firmly, "No pony is EVER alone in Equestria!"
"I am though," I said glumly, "Thanks to you."
Sunbutt recoiled slightly, flinching, "I did what I had to."
"You did what you wanted to do. It's a pity that your student, studying 'friendship'," I continued, using my hooves to mimic inverted commas, prompting a frown again from Celestia, "Is too much of a sycophant and a racist to embrace other cultures or think for herself. Or see you for the monster that you are."
"Apollo," Celestia said with a disapproving tone, very much like only a mother would use, "My student is neither a racist, nor a sycophant nor am I a monster."
"Really? Everything she does seems only to please you, and considering my initial arrival and her refusal to listen to reason to a non-pony being does make her look like a racist. Are you aware of the incident with Zecora?"
Celestia sighed, "Yes, I am. And I received a Friendship report-"
I couldn't help but snicker at that. Celestia frowned again, but continued what she way saying.
"-I received a Friendship report telling me how she and her friends learned their lesson in never judging a book by its cover."
"Well Twilight didn't learn that lesson as well as you think she did."
Celestia sighed deeply, "Apollo, I know what you think of Twilight, but I assure you she is a nice pony at heart. If you just give her a chance and open up to her, I'm sure you'll see that to."
"Open up to her? You mean tell her my deepest, darkest secrets and let her know everything about me? Which she will then relay to you?"
"That'a not quite what I-"
"You sound like the KGB. You're not one of their sleeper agents, are you?"
"I, I don't even know what the KGB is."
"Комите́т госуда́рственной безопа́сности." (Komitet gosudarstvennoy bezopasnosti)
Celestia just blinked at me. I was honestly under the impression she understood Russian.
"Committee for State Security," I repeated.
"Ohhhhh, what were they like?"
"Well put it this way, you did not want to be paid a visit by them," I said in a dead serious tone.
"Why?"
"People who were taken away by the KGB were usually never seen again."
"Surely you jest?"
"No. Times were brutal under the hammer and sickle, I was fortunate enough to be born near the end of the Soviet Union; I actually remember glasnost, perestroika and the eventual dissolution of the USSR itself."
"USSR?" queried Celestia.
"The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics; or in Russian, Союз Советских Социалистических Республик." (Soyuz Sovetskikh Sotsialisticheskikh Respublik)
"What was it like?"
"Awful. I'd rather not talk about it."
At that moment I felt Celestia wrap a foreleg around me and gently nuzzle me.
Damn it felt nice.
"Very well; but if you ever do want to talk, just ask Spike to send your message to me. Or come to Canterlot yourself even, my door will always be open to you."
"Спасибо Celestia." (Spasibo Celestia - Thank you Celestia)
"Пожалуйста Аполлон." (Pozhaluysta Apollon - You're welcome Apollo)
My eyes widened. I looked up but Celestia was already walking away, that and my brain was frozen from Celestia's Russian response.
I didn't know she could speak Russian.
Or maybe she's just trolling me.
Either way, I'd need to keep a closer eye on her; like the way the NKVD and later KGB kept an eye on intellectuals.
"When you leave hospital, do you think you could visit Fluttershy and apologise?" Celestia asked.
I just nodded.
"Thank you. Anyway, I'll leave now and let you get your rest. Goodbye Apollo."
"Whatever."
After Celestia left, I had another visit from the doctor to check on how I was doing. Apart from the damage caused by Applejack, there was no change in my condition. The doctor and his staff used more magic to further heal the damage done, though fortunately it wasn't as bad as first thought; it just felt worse than it was.
I decided to get an early night and fell asleep rather quickly.
I had a decent breakfast of cheese spread on toasted bagels and a glass of orange juice, and soon afterwards I was allowed to get out of bed and on my way to get discharged. The doctor did want me to return in a few days for another check up, to which I reluctantly agreed.
After I left the hospital, I first made my way over to Fluttershy's cottage to apologise. I walked up the cobblestone path and over the little bridge, approaching the front door with a little nervousness.
Rarity might be there.
With trepidation, I knocked on the door.
I heard the clopping of hooves get louder followed by a click.
The door opened revealing the pony I feared most at the time.
"Oh, it's you," Rarity said harshly, a stinging tone in her voice, "What do you want?"
"Hi Rarity, is Fluttershy in?"
"Why do you want to know? Are you wanting to make her cry again?"
"No! I actually want to apologise for yesterday, I didn't mean for it to happen," I replied, trying to look as guilty as possible. Very easy to do considering how expressionistic ponies are.
Rarity analysed me for several seconds before standing aside, "She's in the kitchen."
"Thank you," I replied, trotting past her.
Now inside, I quickly saw the kitchen and walked over to the doorway. Peering inside I saw Fluttershy at the sink washing some pots, she had yet to notice me.
"Fluttershy?"
"EEEP!"
A slightly frightened Fluttershy dropped the plate she was holding back in the sink and huddled into a ball on the floor, covering her head with her hooves.
"Fluttershy, don't worry; it's just me, Apollo."
Fluttershy peeked through her forelegs and saw me. She stood up and walked over, much calmer than before.
"Apollo? Shouldn't you be in hospital?"
"They let me out. The doctor wants me back in a few days to check up on me."
"Oh, so long as you're OK though."
There was an awkward silence as we both shuffled about on our hooves. Eventually though, one of us would have to speak.
"Fluttershy, I just want to apologise for what I said yesterday. I didn't mean to upset you."
"Oh, thank you. I know you didn't really mean it," she said timidly.
"I sometimes have the habit of saying the most stupid things without thinking first."
Fluttershy smiled sweetly and surprised me with a hug, "Don't worry Apollo, I forgive you."
I returned the hug (have I ever mentioned how fantastic pony hugs are?) and looked over to the dirty pots that still needed washing.
"Would you like help with the rest of your washing up?"
"Oh I couldn't ask you to do that."
I laughed a little, "No need to, I'm volunteering."
"OK, if you want to then I won't stop you."
I did help her and after about ten minutes we both finished and all the pots were put back.
"Thank you Apollo."
"You're welcome Fluttershy. So...what now?"
"Well, I was hoping you could help me with the Bunny census."
"The what?"
"The bunny census," Fluttershy repeated, "Every year I check how many new bunnies are living in Ponyville."
I take it back. The animals aren't retarded, the whole of this world is.
"And you want me to help you, how?"
"By double checking how many of each type of bunny there is, as well as their gender and where they live."
Bloody hell, next she'll be wanting me the check their tax returns.
"Will you help me?" she asked almost pleadingly.
I didn't want to, but if word got out that I made Fluttershy cry then then it wouldn't bode well for me.
"Fine," I answered reluctantly.
"Thank you!" Fluttershy squealed, hugging me, "But first we need you to get ready."
"Get ready? What do you mean?"
I regretted asking that.
I regretted agreeing to help....at least without conditions first.
"You look positively adorable darling," Rarity said as she admired her newest creation.
"I look ridiculous."
"You most certainly do NOT look ridiculous! You're an adorable Bunny-Colt."
Did I mention I was pretty much forced into wearing a full size Bunny outfit, apparently it was so that Fluttershy's stupid rabbits didn't feel intimidated by me. An absolute load of waffle with a huge dollop of syrup. What didn't help was Angel smirking in delight, if that little twat keeps it up he'll be swimming in brandy sauce.
Fortunately, the costume was a sky blue colour; had it been bright pink I don't think I'd have ever recovered from the ordeal.
"I am not a Bunny-Colt, I am a stallion of the Russian Federation! This outfit is stupid!"
Yet again I shot my mouth off. I nervously looked over to Rarity and saw her gritting her teeth and scowling fiercely. I was frozen in place as she walked slowly up to me, like a lioness ready to pounce on her prey.
"So....you think my outfit is stupid."
"No, I meant I look stupid wearing it," I nervously replied, retreating slightly, knowing full well that wasn't what I meant.
"Really, because I heard you say 'this outfit is stupid'."
She was right in my face now, her nose almost touching mine.
"Errrr, sorry?" I offered in a half arsed manner.
"You will be."
She lit up her horn, bathing me in the baby blue glow of her magic, quickly doing the same thing to Fluttershy.
"There," she said, extinguishing her magic.
"What did you do?"
"Now you have no choice but to wear it. I enchanted it to prevent you from removing it. Only I or Fluttershy can do so."
I lit up my horn in an attempt to remove the outfit but had no success.
"Don't bother trying to counter the spell darling, I'm exceptionally skilled at it. I have to be, especially when it comes to Rainbow and dresses."
"I demand you remove this at once!"
"I shall do no such thing. Not until you start behaving like a gentlecolt."
I sighed deeply, my face going bright red in embarrassment.
How could this get any worse?
I reluctantly began following Fluttershy out of her cottage, watched very closely by Rarity. Who had the smuggest of smug smirks on her face.
Just you wait until I get my revenge, Marshmallow.
As we were about the cross the small bridge over the stream, a pony who would never let me forget being dressed like I was, saw us.
"Hey Fluttershy."
"Hello Rainbow, how are you today?"
"I'm great. Hey do you know where Apollo is? He checked out of the hospital but I can't find him."
I tried to hide myself the best I could by looking down to the ground. Unfortunately, Fluttershy had other ideas.
"He's right here."
She stood aside and left me in full view of Rainbow.
Dressed in a bright blue bunny costume.
Rainbow blinked a couple of times before bursting into laughter.
Fluttershy and I just stood and watched as Rainbow rolled around on her back, laughing her flank off. Tears were falling from her cheeks she was laughing so much.
After a few seconds, she eventually managed to compose herself, got herself up and began pinching my cheeks with her hooves; talking to me in a child like manner.
"Who's a cute little bunny rabbit?" she teased, "Who's a cute wittle bunny wabbit?"
Russian winters are more enjoyable than this.
"Why don't you join us?" I suggested.
"Nah. I'm busy......napping."
"If you have time to nap, you have time to help Fluttershy."
"No need, you're helping her," she said, snickering in delight at my attire.
"That doesn't mean you still can't help."
"Yeah, but if I did then I'd be too distracted laughing my flank off at your dorky outfit."
Uh-oh. You shouldn't have said that Rainbow.
"Dorky outfit?!" the seamstress mistress screeched, "Dorky!"
Rainbow looked behind her, over to Fluttershy's cottage and only then realised Rarity was stood in the door way. The prim and proper mare looking quite pissed off.
"Oh hi Rares, didn't see you there."
"Apparently not."
There was an awkward silence.
"I didn't actually mean the outfit you made was dorky," Rainbow said, trying to not quilt under Rarity's gaze, "I just meant Apollo looked like a dork wearing it."
"No," Rarity countered, "You specifically said my outfit was dorky."
".......so?" Rainbow replied, shrugging her shoulders.
I shuffled slowly closer to Fluttershy.
Or to be more precise I hid behind her, this wasn't going to end well.
"Fluttershy," Rarity said, "If you can hold on a few moments, you'll have another helper."
"OK," Fluttershy replied, "I have a Bunny costume that Rainbow can wear."
"WHAT?!" Rainbow screamed, "Screw that, I'm leaving!"
She didn't get very far as her entire body was enveloped in Rarity's magic.
"I won't be long darlings," Rarity said as she went back inside, taking Rainbow with her, "Come along Rainbow."
"NOOOOOO!" Rainbow screamed, trying in vain to fly away, "I DON'T WANNA BE A BUNNY RABBIT!"
Less than five minutes later, Rarity and Rainbow returned. The latter wearing a light pink bunny costume. With great reluctance, and a few firm prods from Rarity, Rainbow walked over.
"I am ready to help however I can," Rainbow said, trying to avoid eye contact with both myself and Fluttershy.
"Thank you Rainbow," Fluttershy replied, giving her friend a hug, "You look so adorable like that."
Fluttershy turned to walk away towards the first rabbit hole. Rainbow was now glaring fiercely at me as though it was my fault she was dressed as she was.
"Thanks a lot dude, now I look completely ridiculous!"
"Don't blame me, it's not my fault! And in case you haven't noticed, I'm being humiliated too!"
"If the Wonderbolts see me like this then I'll never get in."
"Let's make a deal, we go through with this without complaint; and later we work together and find a way to get our own back. Deal?"
"Deal," she replied, the two of us sealing the deal with a hoof bump.
Three humiliating hours later, Rainbow and I were finally allowed out of those ridiculous costumes. Neither of use wasted any time in getting the hell away from Fluttershy and Rarity, and we both went to the relative safety of my hotel room.
I still wasn't sure though if I should tell Dash or not as to who I really was as I had no idea how she'd take it.
Anyway, we went into my hotel room and Rainbow immediately plonked herself on the bed.
"Comfortable?"
"Yeah, totally. So, what are you doing now?"
"Just relax probably. Or have something to eat first. You hungry?"
"I'm starving."
I went over to the kitchen area and got out the yum-yums I got the previous day. I levitated one over to Rainbow, "Want one?"
"Sure," she replied, taking it in her hooves.
"So, Apollo; what's it like where you're from?" she asked, stuffing the yum-yum into her cakehole.
"Very different. People aren't so soft or as easily offended."
"I hear you, ponies in Ponyville are nice and all; but they're so delicate and fragile."
"Not like you then?"
"Are you kidding? I'm awesome! I can handle anything!" she boasted, sticking her chest out.
"Anything?"
"Anything. You name it."
"What about meeting that creature again?"
"That would be awesome! I'd be able to show him all my cool moves! I mean, friends with an alien? Not even Daring Do has an alien friend!"
I blinked in confusion, "Who's Daring Do? Some sort of intergalactic hussy?"
In hindsight, I shouldn't have asked that question.