//------------------------------// // Too Many Questions Spoil Campfire Tales // Story: Letters from an Irritated Princess // by Tired Old Man //------------------------------// “Oh my gosh! Little sis, this was the best idea you’ve ever, ever had… ever!” Sunny praised, skipping and pronking next to Moony’s notably more-restrained trot as they made their way to the castle library. “Curb thy enthusiasm, Sunny.” Moony opened the set of double doors with a midnight blue aura, ushering Sunny inside before following right behind her. “Surprising our elder sisters with campfire stories of our own isn’t some groundbreaking plan worthy of a mastermind’s ambition,” she corrected. Sunny stopped bouncing, and turned her head toward Moony with a sheepish grin on her face. “Uh… can I get a smartie-to-dummy translation?” Moony closed her eyes and scrunched her nose. “I’m being clever, not a genius.” “Ooooh,” Sunny replied as if that answered the question to the meaning of life. “Well I know us, and we’re not genies, so that makes a lot of sense!” Moony’s eyes shot open in sheer bewilderment before forcing a smile and words through gritted teeth. “...I’m happy that made any sense to you the way that you parsed it.” “So am I! I think!” Sunny took a seat at the center table of the library as Moony disappeared into the rows of bookshelves. “Anyway, when are we getting to these stories?” “Legends, Sunny.” A deep breath echoed in the room slightly before Moony continued, “And if we’re going to impress them, we need to pick legends they might not have heard of before.” “Ah, I see! So what did you find?” “Hang on, I hid the book so our big sisters wouldn’t find it!” Sunny patiently waited at the table, her ears flicking about as they picked up Moony’s movements. Books shuffling on shelves. Poofs and soft tones of casting magic. An occasional grunt of frustration. “Do you need help, little sis?!” Sunny shouted. The tumbling of ten… no, maybe thirty or twenty books hitting the floor was soon followed by a quick reassurance. “No thanks, I’m fine!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah! In fact, I just found it!” “Oh, okay! I’ll wait then!” Sunny kept to her word, again listening intently for Moony’s movements to come closer. Yet only distant grunting came and went with some more books tumbling to the floor before a brief period of silence passed. “...Sis?” “Yeah?” “I need help.” ~~~ “Luna! Thanks for coming on such short notice,” Celestia greeted, lounging on a small cushion in the center of a small study she’d set aside when she needed a few precious moments of silence. Next to her sat a table and another cushion, with a thick book on Celestia’s side of the table. “It’s no trouble at all, sister,” Luna replied as she stepped inside. “I only had to rudely cancel a meeting with the nobles on the status of their dreams being ’wholly unsatisfactory’ because I was two minutes late on their dream schedule last week.” “Did you flip them a double hoof on the way out of the debate room?” Celestia asked, ushering her sister closer to the table. Luna smirked. “Just as the door was closing. If anypony saw it, I can play it off as a trick their eyes played.” “Hah! Good job, sis!” Luna took a seat on her cushion, across the table from her sister. “Anyway, what was it you needed me for?” Celestia nodded, and gestured to the book on the table. “You remember the camping trip that’s coming up soon, yes?” Luna scoffed. “It’s been the only tangible thing on my mind for months, sister.” “Of course. Now, my question is this: how well do you know your legends and fables?” In a golden glow, Celestia held up the book for Luna to read the title: The Legendary Tome of Legendary Legends, First Edition. Luna brought a forehoof to her chin for a moment. “Hmmm… I’d say I’m not too knowledgeable there, though a few favorites come to mind.” Celestia smiled warmly as she opened the book. “Then I hope you wouldn’t mind if I ran a few of these legends by you? I’d prefer to be reasonably rehearsed for Sunny and Moony, and it sounds like you could use a refresher.” “Sister, I will happily hear these tales over a torrent of complaints from ponies that feel the need to schedule in their sleep,” Luna flatly admitted. Celestia tittered at the dry remark, then promptly cleared her throat. “Then how about we start with the Legend of Rockhoof?” ~~~ “Silly Moony, you should have told me you were moving big books around! I use those for book fort foundations all the time, and they’re super duper heavy!” Sunny escorted a disheveled Moony back to the center table, holding the book Moony sought in her golden grasp. Moony averted her gaze away from Sunny, but kept her balance against her body. “I’ll keep that in mind next time. And...thanks, Sunny.” “No biggie, little sissy!” “Please don’t call me that.” “Call you what?” “...Never mind.” Moony pushed herself away once they reached the table, and worked her way around until she sat in a chair opposite Sunny. Sunny merely shrugged, and took her seat. She turned the book around to glance at the title. “The Legendary Tome of Legendary Legends, Second Edition?” She squinted her eyes to read some smaller print on the cover. “Now with one more legend and in a slightly different order from the first edition… and a shiny new cover!” Moony blinked. That’s… transparently lazy! How did they get away with that?! Sunny’s eyes sparkled with delight. “Cool, a new legend! And an awesome cover!” Moony sighed, having found the obtuse answer. Sunny opened the book, skimming through the legends until she stopped about a third of the way in the book. “Ooh, what about this one? I like the title!” She turned the book toward Moony, and she in turn took it out of Sunny’s gold glow into her deep blue hold. “The Legend of Rockhoof? Huh, I suppose this is worth a read to get us started.” “Question!” Sunny announced with a raised hoof. “...Yes, Sunny?” “Does he have a hoof made of rock?” “Let me check…” After a moment of skimming through the legend, Moony shook her head. “Nope.” Sunny dropped her hoof, but a moment later it shot right back up. “Does he rock with his hooves?” “No.” Down… then up again! “Does he chuck rocks with his hooves?” “No!” Down it went, and down it stayed, long enough for Moony to open her mouth to begin reading the legend from the star— “...Does he rock a stone guitar?” “Still no! Let me read it already!” ~~~ “...and that’s the Legend of Rockhoof,” Celestia finished, looking at Luna who wore a quizzical expression. “What do you think?” "Wait, so they've been living on that island for a while, right?" Luna asked. "Yes, why?" "How did they get to that island in the first place?" Celestia pursed her lip in thought. "By boat, probably." Luna raised an eyebrow, her skeptical eyebrow. "Okay. So when their island starts erupting, why don't they take the boat out of there?" "Because it's their home? They’ve been living there for generations!” Celestia recalled from the tale. “Sister, they have a boat, an actual life-preserving boat, and they’re not using it! Their so-called protectors are using it, but the villagers are staying! How would you explain this ridiculous behavior?” The legend’s explanation failing her, Celestia quickly thought of a perfectly irrational reason. "Blind stubbornness.” "...Wow.” was all Luna could say. “What? It works!” "Yes, but it’s also dumb. Outstandingly, incredibly dumb,” Luna pointed out. Celestia threw her hooves in the air, the book dropping on the table with a dull thud. "Okay, well when you tell your story, maybe you'll have one of those villagers be smart and leave or something!" "You know what? I will!” “FINE!” “DOUBLE FINE!” Both sisters had their eyes deadlocked in yet another royal stalemate. A few seconds passed before the stalemate ended, and the girls sat back down on their dainty royal cushions. The argument deflating, Luna then asked, “...Also, can I have a giant crab in my story?" Now it was Celestia’s turn to raise her skeptical eyebrow. "Sure, but I don't see why a giant crab has to be—" "I will have my giant crab!” Luna abruptly shouted with glee! “And he's gonna SING! About himself!" Celestia snatched the book up again before Luna could fire off more wild ideas. "That’s it. Next story!" ~~~ “Oh my gosh, this story is so dumb!” Sunny exclaimed, her head buried in her hooves. Moony nodded in agreement. “I know, right? They’re just staying behind on the island when they have a perfectly good boa—” “Why doesn’t Rockhoof just grab a huge boulder with his herculean strength and clog up the volcano with it?!” Correction: apparent agreement, soon replaced with squinty-eyed confusion. “...What?” “The guy is so strong he can dig a lava trench by himself, so why not plug up the source so it stops flowing with a huge rock?!” Sunny kind-of repeated. Instead of immediately replying with a second "What?", Moony let the gears twist and turn in her head for a minute, trying to sort out why this question is a thing being asked. Then, something clicked. “...You really want him to live up to his name in some way, don't you?” “Any other option is a huge disappointment!” Sunny confirmed. “Fine, I get it. You want him to solve his problem with a rock. I’ll keep that in mind for later, okay?” Sunny eagerly nodded, and at that Moony flipped through more legends in the legendary book until one caught her eye. “Oh, now this looks interesting. It’s the Legend of Mistmane!” “Ooh, does that mean—” “Her mane is not made of mist!” Moony quickly added. “Aw…” “...Though it flows like a river, and she does summon a magical water dragon.” Sunny shrugged. “Close enough! At least she’s trying!” ~~~ “What about the Legend of Mistmane sounds so familiar?” Celestia asked, noting her sister’s not as quizzical, but still in deep thought face. “It sounds like a much shorter and cleaner version of what we’ve gone through.” Celestia tilted her head slightly. “Is that a bad thing?” Luna shook her head. “No, but it makes me wish our conflict was neatly resolved in less than a day, with far less collateral damage.” Celestia chuckled. “Me too, Luna. But what’s done is done, and I think this legend has something for parents of unicorn prodigies to learn.” “And what is that?” Luna asked with a hint of curiosity. “Please stop sending gifted magical ponies to unicorn school if it separates a close friendship, or else the one left behind will lose their mind!” Celestia answered with an accusing forehoof pointing at nopony in particular. Luna stared blankly at Celestia. “...Sister, that is an extremely specific lesson to learn from this.” Celestia’s forehooves went skyward once more. “And yet it is no less true!” ~~~ “So she gave up her beauty, and she gets a cool flower trail behind her?” Moony pushed her nose against her face. “I guess? Why is that so fascinating?” “I thought only white dogs did that!” Sunny answered with no hint of it sounding like a joke. “...In what world would a dog leave a flower trail behind it?!” Moony’s face-hugging hoof slammed on the table. Sunny ignored the outburst and turned her head, choosing to stare off into space. “A beautiful one.” Moony grasped her temples with both hooves. “Gah! You’ve completely missed the point of this story!” Sunny snapped her attention back to Moony. “No, sister! What I’m missing out on is how to make my own flower trail!” Suddenly, a spark of imagination flashed in her eyes. “Ooh, what if it doesn’t have to be flowers?! It could be—” Sunny began counting on her hoof “—sandwiches, doughnuts, doughnut sandwiches! OR it could be a single, double, maybe even triple-layer silky moon pies…” “Sis?” Moony asked as Sunny once again became enamored with her fantastical thoughts. “Sis! Sunny, you’re drooling.” The words fell deaf on Sunny’s ears. “Spriiinkles… all the sprinkles…” Moony rolled her eyes and returned to the Legendary Tome. “Welp, she’s a lost cause. Maybe I can drown out my sorrows in something actiony…” ~~~ As soon as Celestia finished the legend of Flash Magnus, Luna asked, “Tia, whatever happened to the Royal Legion?” “About half of them wanted to be flashy showboats, and the other half wanted to stick to solid guard duty.” The indifferent tone of the statement remained as Celestia continued, “The unit divided itself after failing to resolve such ‘irreconcilable’ differences. It’s never recovered.” “Hmm… Have you considered trying to rebuild it?” Celestia pondered with a hoof to her chin. “No, but I very much doubt it could be rebuilt after all this time. Refurbished… maybe.” A small sigh escaped her lips. “It’d take a lot of effort though, and besides the unit loved to incorporate enchanted arms and armor. I don’t even know where that flame-warding shield is anymore, and that was one of the unit’s most prized possessions!” Luna gasped. “Could it have been stolen? Lost to time? Hanging out in the back of some pony’s pawn shop waiting for some ne’er do well to procure it and use it for evil?!” “It could be used to surf on grassy hills for all I care! What matters is that the Legion once existed. If there’s any hope of bringing it back, it starts with their forgotten relics.” Luna’s eyes opened wide just as Celestia finished talking. “Speaking of that, I was wondering…” “What?” “Shouldn’t we invest in giving our guards enchanted shields?” Celestia blinked, then returned the question with a knowing smile. “...I think you might be onto something there. In the meantime, I think these stories should work for our trip.” “As they are, or with some creative liberty amendments?” Celestia narrowed her eyes. “Are you going to insist on the singing crab?” “Until my last breath, sister!” Luna declared. ~~~ “Wow, that flashy guy put two raging dragons on ice with a fire shield and zappy storm clouds?” Sunny inquired with glee. “Yep, and the dragons ran away in defeat, tails tucked between their legs!” Moony confirmed with enthusiasm that she thought was lost until Sunny showed actual interest in Flash’s daring tale. “Hooray! So, were the dragons captured later or something?” “Uh, no, they weren’t.” “AUDIBLE GASP!” Sunny exclaimed. The enthusiasm that once danced across Moony’s face ran away like a spooked doe. “...I’m going to regret asking this, but why is that a problem?” “Because those dragons could have totally been captured and used as intim… er, they could be used as big deter rats!” Moony smirked. “Sis, they’re not big rats.” Sunny’s alabaster face turned a few shades of pink as she puffed her cheeks. “Not what I meant! Long words are hard, okay?!” Moony couldn’t withhold a few giggles at the outburst. “I know what you meant. I’m just teasing. Anyway, do you think these legends are good enough for the camping trip?” Sunny sighed and took a moment to relax, returning to her normal, somewhat aloof state. “Yeah! Maybe. Um, what were the first two again?” Instead of answering, Moony just shook her head. “...You know what? You’ll hear them again when we’re actually on the trip.” “Awesome!”