Chapter Eleven: Welcome to Ponyville, (Part 3)
The party itself is a rather enjoyable affair. Since only a hoofful of ponies here genuinely know me, it’s easy to find somepony who doesn’t and have a decent conversation. I’ve learned over the years that, as gratifying as it may be to go all out as soon as I get someplace new, that usually tips my hoof and makes more work for me in the long run. So for now I’ve decided to stick to endearing myself to (wow that sentence came out weird) the locals.
Some of them make this easier than others.
“Why is your Cutie Mark all tilted?”
“Are you an artist?”
“Are you a BAD artist?”
*gasp* “Do you want us to help you find what kind of art you ARE good at?!”
I shake my head politely, “No that’s ok-”
“Cute Mark Crusaders Art Directors, YAY!”
The three little fillies I encountered while mingling seem to be very excited about this prospect. It’s a double edged sword, really: children normally irritate me almost as much as I irritate everypony else, but they’re also extremely useful in irritating everypony else. Which gives me an idea. Now, normally, I’m not allowed to misrepresent my special talent or personality. In Canterlot. This being Ponyville, however… “Actually, girls, I’m an art critic. The painting is skewed because I have a different perspective on art than most ponies.”
“Oooooohhhhh…...” they say in stereo. Something they seem to do a lot of. The Orange one pipes up. “So… you don’t need help figuring out what kind of artist you are?”
I chuckle to myself. “Oh no. I learned long ago that I’m a professional BS artist. One of the best, actually. But… if you girls know anypony who does like art, who wants to get better, I could certainly help you help them.”
“Ok!” they chime, and run off, no doubt to be distracted by something shiny within the next three minutes.
I swivel my head around to pan the room, looking for somepony to talk to. Somepony interesting, like…
Are that mare’s eyes pointing in two different directions? What.
I trot up to this gray pegasus with a blonde mane who seems to be sitting a little off to the side, by herself. “Hello!”
She looks at me with a smile. And one eye. Hmm. “Oh, hi! Are you one of the new waiters?”
Waiters? Wha-oh. “Waitstaff,” I correct. “My name is Schadenfreude.” I hold out a hoof to shake hers.
She takes it and gives it a surprisingly firm shake. “Wait… staff? OH! I’m sorry, I thought you were a guy!”
...oh, my Luna. This is what this feels like. “No no no, that’s just what you call everypony who works for a Princess. I’m a butler,” I clarify.
She tilts her head in confusion. “Why does Princess Twilight need somepony else to butter her bread?”
This might be the most interesting conversation I’ve ever had. EVER. “There’s an ‘l’ in there. But-ler. My job is to help clean up, run individual errands, answer the door, that kind of thing.” I err on the side of caution and clarify each point as it comes up. Otherwise I could be here forever.
“Oh! Like in all those murder mysteries, where everyone says the butler did it!” Her eyes widen, and she leans in conspiratorially. “Are you a serial killer?” she whispers.
“No,” I whisper back. “I prefer toast.”
She tilts her head almost all the way to one side, and stares at me for a good ten seconds. I know because I count. Ten… nine….
...three… two… one… “Ahahaha! Like, breakfast cereal! Ahahahahaha!”
I wait patiently with a smile, one of my most practiced skills, until she laughs it all out. “So, why are you sitting here all by yourself?”
She looks a little sheepish as she answers. “Well, I tried to help set up the party, but I knocked a bunch of stuff over, and next thing I know the wall’s on fire, so now I have to sit in the corner.”
“The wall? Of the castle?” It’s my turn to tilt my head.
“Uh-huh.”
“...the walls are crystal.”
“I guess...” she says quietly, digging at the ground with her hoof.
I shake my head, walking away from that train of thought before it runs me over. “So, who told you you had to sit in the corner? Did they say you had to miss the party?”
She looks up at me again, and stops digging at the floor. There’s now a divot. In the crystal. “Um, Rainbow Dash asked me to just sit here and do nothing. That was about an hour ago, so...”
A thought occurs to me. “Well, miss… um, I didn’t get your name.”
“Oh, I’m Derpy Hooves!”
Of course you are. “So, Ms. Derpy. As it so happens, I work for the Princess. And I’m pretty sure that means I outrank Rainbow Dash, so I am giving you permission to join the party and have fun!” A strange shiver creeps down my spine, as if I’ve made a horrible mistake.
It’s much more common than you think. I wonder where the dungeons are in this castle?
“Ok!” she says happily, and trots off. “Thanks!” I soon lose her in the crowd.
My eyes scan the crowd for somepony else to talk to. Most of the partygoers seem embroiled in their own conversations, or dancing in a large area in the middle of the floor. I’m not a particularly talented dancer (although I never say it out loud), so I look for something more interesting. Or somepony.
Not finding anyone in particular, I decide t simply grab a glass of punch and sit at an unoccupied table. Finding one near the back of the room, I sit facing the crowd, simply content in ponywatching for now.
Until Princess Twilight trots up to me, sits in the chair opposite, and gives me a stern look. “Alright, Schaden, what are you up to?”
I raise an eyebrow out of true curiosity. “What are you talking about?”
“Don’t play dumb. I’ve seen you talking to ponies. The Cutie Mark Crusaders? Then Derpy? You’re planning something,” she accuses, pointing a wingtip at me.
I roll my eyes, and give her an exasperated stare. One of the drawbacks to being me is the sheer amount of suspicion and shade I get thrown my way. “Look, Princess, I just want to enjoy the party. I’m not out to secretly destroy Ponyville or anything. I’m not one of your thirty-minute villains or a friendship problem. I actually have a life. I came to Ponyville because I’ve never been. It sounded like fun. And honestly, even I get tired of Prince Blueballs’ asinine behavior after awhile. Really, I just want to sit here and drink punch and watch the crowd.”
She sits back, her eyes wide. “Oh. I’m sorry, Freude, I just...”
“Made accusations with no proof? Assumed the worst? Look, I get it, I annoy everypony. I have maybe three genuine friends, ever. And I may not apologize for being who I am, but that doesn’t mean my only defining feature is being an ass. I came here to do a job, and surprisingly, I take my job seriously. I have bills to pay, too, you know,” I finish, a little more gruffly than I’d like.
It doesn’t help that Twilight Sparkle is literally the only Princess who treats me like an actual villain, most of the time. Celestia and I actually get along. I wouldn’t go so far as to call her my friend, that does sound a little pompous, but we get on ok. Luna and I barely interact, though when we do, she treats me with the kind of stiff formality she uses on pretty much everypony she doesn’t know. Cadence and I go back and forth, but I never really get the feeling she dislikes me. I can accept that most everypony dislikes me, but very, very few ponies genuinely hate me. I have a sneaking suspicion Twilight is one of those.
“Again, I’m sorry, Freude. I just… I hear a lot of stories about you. Some of the stuff others say you’ve done, some of the stuff on the list, it just makes it hard to believe you aren’t always up to something.” She finished with a guilty look on her face, poking her own glass of punch with a distracted hoof.
I heave a sigh. Now I feel guilty. “Ok, look. About the list. You know how long that thing is, right?”
She looks back up at me. “Last I checked you were at a hundred fifty-seven.”
“Do you have any idea how long that list has been around?”
She thinks for a moment. “No, not really.”
I take a swig of punch. It’s really good. “That list got started, partly as a joke, when I was ten. That’s roughly two decades ago. That list didn’t happen all at once. Like, I don’t go out and do horrible, horrible things all the time. So I’m not about to go out and just ruin everypony’s day all at once, ok? There are days I don’t really do anything, just like most ponies. Sometimes, I just like to sit back and enjoy the party.”
Twilight looks pensive for a moment, then bows her head. “I’m sorry, Schaden. I’ve always had trouble judging a book by it’s cover. I thought that was a lesson I’d learned a long time ago, but I guess old habits die hard.” She raises her glass in a field of purple magic. I tap it with mine. “Truce?”
“Truce.”
We take a sip, and she goes off to enjoy the rest of the party. I down my glass, and get up to get some more.
I have my backside to the door, when it swings open with a loud bang. “Why, Princess Twilight! I didn’t know you were having a party! I thought we were friends, how could you not invite a friend?” whines a very familiar voice. I know only one being in all of Equestria that sounds like that.
I spin around in excitement, almost jumping out of my fur. “DIZZY!”
The draconequis turns his head and spots me waving wildly at him. “SCHADIE!”
“OH, FOR BUCK’S SAKE!” Twilight yells.