//------------------------------// // Chapter 6: Indigo Zap's Day In... the Field // Story: The Incompetence Bureau // by Daemon McRae //------------------------------// Chapter Six: Indigo’s Day in… the Field Normally, I don’t take ponies out with me when I’m tracking a jumper. Unfortunately, this particular tagalong outranks everypony ever, so I’m stuck. “Why are we just waiting here? We’ve been here for an hour, Indigo!” Twilight whines. I put my binoculars down and sigh to the heavens, my eyes rolling to the sky. I flip the hood down on the jacket I’m wearing and glare at my ‘partner’. “Aaauuuughh. Princess, it’s called a stake-out. I don’t know where this jumper goes all day, but I do know that she comes back to this house all the time. So I have to wait here until she returns, so I can force this fat stack of legal papers down her gullet, and tell my boss that she has, in fact, been served.” “Wait, I thought we were here to arrest her,” Twilight mused. I lift my binoculars back to my eyes, and stare out over the large hedge we’re hiding behind. “No, Princess, you’re thinking of bounty hunting. That’s where you track down criminals who have jumped bail and need to be dragged before the courts. My job is to track down guys and gals who have been skipping on their mandated therapy, haven’t reported to their parole officers, or who we think might be relapsing into previous, usually felonies, behavior. I serve them paperwork, report their location to the guards, and in some, really extreme cases, I slap a tracking bracelet or an inhibitor ring on their ugly mugs. We may be legally defined as a branch of the guards, but they don’t send out just some random pegasus to drag in somepony or some griffin who’s, I don’t know, tried to take over the world.” Twilight nods sagely, making a few notes in this little notebook she has. “So wait, what good does just handing them some legal documents do? Coudln’t they just dispose of it and say they never got it, or...” “There’s a Geas spell on the paperwork.” She gasps, really loudly. “A Geas spell?! Bu those are illegal!” I roll my eyes again and shush her. “Will you keep it down! And no, they’re not! Only civilians aren’t allowed to use them. If you’re high enough rank in the guard they give you access to all kinds of nasty spellwork. You should see the kinds of magical shenanigans the royal dungeons have on them.” Twilight quiets down, but looks extremely uncomfortable. “But, what’s to stop somepony from Gaesing a parolee off a cliff, or something?” I raise an eyebrow at her. “What the Tartarus kind of ponies do you think we have working for us? We’re a branch of the guard. Everypony is vetted a bajillion times before we even interview them! We’re not gonna hire somepony who’s just gonna off all our jumpers because they feel like it!” I lift my binoculars back to my eyes, just in time to see my target opening her front door. “Shhhh! She’s here! Now stay here, I gotta do my job!” I tuck the paperwork under a wing, and pull the hood of my jacket over my head. Trotting up the front steps, I cough quietly. “Excuse me, miss? I’m sorry to bother you,” I start, keeping my head low. My mane drops in front of my face, obscuring it slightly. “I was wondering if you had time to sign this petition...” She doesn’t even turn around. “Piss off, will ya? I got bigger things to worry about than some charity case or ‘savin’ the birds’ or whatever.” “Actually, it’s a petition to relax the restrictions on parolees, and to make tracking bracelets illegal,” I lie through my teeth. She whips around. This one’s not particularly smart. “Wait, seriously? Hells yeah! Gimme that!” I slap the paperwork into her outstretched hoof, and the documents glow as the Geas activates. I flip my hood back and laugh at her. “HA! Served, lady! See you in therapy next Monday!” “Wha- buh- DAMMIT ZAP!” she growls, as she looks at the paperwork with venomous disdain. I laugh my way back down the stairs, and tap Twilight on the shoulder as I march past. “Come on, Princess, there’s just one more and we’re done for the day!” ------------------------ I step into the Cages, halfheartedly patting the last little flame on my now-charcoal mane out with a wing. I’m so past angry I don’t even think I have an expression for it, so my face is just a dour frown. Twilight trots in behind me. “I’m sorry! I had no idea it would explode!” Not bothering to turn around, I bark over my shoulder, “What did you THINK would happen? KITTENS?! It was a barrel of sodium! Didn’t you pay attention in chemistry?!” “They don’t teach chemistry at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns! I learned alchemy!” I wheel around on her. “Well, here’s your first three lessons, princess. Number one: sodium, potassium, and other heavily alkali metals explode in water!. Number two: magnesium plus friction equals FIRE. Number three: PEGASI ARE FLAMMABLE!." “I said I was sorry! Is there anything I can do to help?” I throw myself onto a bench near the lockers. “Yeah, please put out the fire on my tail. Also, please forget that I just yelled at a princess?” I add hopefully. She smiles sheepishly, and I hear the hum of magic behind me. “Already forgotten. Now hold on, this water spell will just take a second...” “Water spell? NO WAIT I STILL HAVE SODIUM ON MY-” *BAKOOM* “SUNUVABITCH!” “SORRY!”