//------------------------------// // 5: There! I've Said It Again // Story: An Even Worse Self Insert // by ROBCakeran53 //------------------------------// I love you, there's nothing to hide It's better than burning inside I love you, no use to pretend There, I've said it again. Growing up, I listened to many different performers long since passed on. Most were dead before the 1980’s, gone a decade before I’d even been born. And yet, these were the voices I grabbed onto. Their music, their genera, their hopes and dreams and romancing. This is what drove me to collect their voices, forever in shellac until their fateful day. For the last fifteen years or so, give or take a couple years, I longed to have the voice like them. I’d been told by many over the years that I had a singing voice, but I couldn’t, and still cannot, imagine so. And yet, if I had to admit to myself, which I still do, if I could have the voice of any one person from my favorite musical era, it would be none other than Mister Vaughn Monroe. Was it because his was the first 78 rpm record I’d ever owned? No, while the fact was true, it wasn’t why. His voice was unique, still was to this day. Listen to his voice, and tell me someone who sings like him? I dare you. “Dare me to what?” I looked over to the purple pony, sitting in her usual spot on my couch. The gap between us filled with nothing but a worn out cushion. I also hadn’t realized I was speaking aloud at some point. “Nothing, I was just talking to myself,” I said, looking back to the record player. Forgive me, for wanting you so, But one thing, I want you know. I’ve loved you, since heaven knows when, There, I’ve said it again! I knew this song by heart, and there was more to come. One of the few songs I favorited that actually wasn’t half vocal, half instrumental. Then again, Monroe wasn’t known to let his voice go unheard in his music. After all, that’s what he was all about. That wonderful, deep filling voice that made you think of… of… Well, for everyone it was a different feeling. Myself? “His voice is lovely,” Twilight said. “Like the grandfather I never knew,” I whispered, although as an afterthought loud enough for the mare to hear. As Twilight watched me, I took another sip of my beer. The only one for the night, mind you. She knew too, but was still giving me that look like I’d given up. I hadn’t entirely, but sometimes you needed to unwind. Was one beer really unwinding? No, not for me, but it still gave me a taste of what was both my best friend, and my worst enemy for four long years of my life. I needed the reminder sometimes, that I couldn’t fall back into that routine again. A single beer one night, or maybe a Jack and Coke. Other than a couple nights where I did let myself go due to weakness, I was still fighting. I was trying to be better, or at least that was what I told myself. After all, no one else would. “That’s not true,” Twilight said. Damn it, I was talking under my breath again. “And how would you know?” I asked, the record ending with the tell tale clunk of the player. “I cannot believe, in the vast group of friends you have, that no one has taken a notice to how much you’ve been cutting back.” I sighed, standing to start the record again. “Maybe they have then, but I don’t remember. I just know, my closest group of friends, the last time I was with them…” I couldn’t even remember, honestly. It was a typical night for me, drinking and laughing and having a good time with friends. Or at least, I was. Were they? None of them ever told me, or would check up on me the morning after. Was I alright, was I okay? Truthfully or not, I’d give them a practiced answer anyway. Amidst my silence, Twilight levitated over my beer, still half full and dripping with condensation. She took a sniff, and closing her eyes she pressed the lip of the bottle to her muzzle and took a sip, before pulling it away with a “yack!” “Well, I can’t honestly tell you that isn’t how I expected that would go,” I said with a half chuckle. “Sorry, it’s just, I had to know for study reasons. After all, I’m here for you.” “Oh, are you now?” Twilight nodded her head. “You know, believe it or not, I’m not the only pony interested in visiting you.” I dragged out a raspberry, taking my beer away from her magic grasp. “Well, I can’t.” “My friends, the princesses… my family. They’re all interested in my studies, and they want to meet you.” I looked to the record player, halfway through the song. “Then just bring them all over and we’ll have one Hell of a party.” At that, Twilight shook her head. “No, not like that. Although Pinkie Pie could argue.” “Of course she would,” I said. Twilight let out a small laugh. I tried to follow suit, but couldn’t muster it. Vaughn’s voice wasn’t giving me the right feeling of joy and laughter. For the last several visits by the pony in purple, it had been one thing or another bothering me, making me depressed or on the verge of it. I hated to feel that way, especially around company, but couldn’t help myself. Tonight, however, was different. Would be, if I stuck to this single beer, almost drained from the bottle. With a deep breath, I took the last swig of the bottle, swallowing hard as the cold bothered one of my sore teeth. I set the bottle down on the floor, and leaned back into the couch, getting comfortable. Right as the record player turned off. I motioned to stand, but then stopped myself, looking over to the mare beside me. After a few moments in silence, she looked back, a confused look on her face. “What?” I asked. “I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Sorry.” Now she raised a brow. “Sorry? For what?” I looked to the still record player. “Just… for getting all… eh, the last few times you’ve been around.” “You don’t need to apologize,” she said, a smile on her face. I didn’t smile back. “Yeah, I do. That’s rude of me to be all down when you’re here. That’s not why you come here, right? Not to listen to me drabble on about my problems or complain.” “Why do you think I come, then?” “Well, didn’t you say something about this place being… um.. Restful? Relaxing? I dunno, something along those lines.” “And has it not been?” she asked, like it was a real question. “I wouldn’t think so. I’ve been tired and worn out the last several days, and just… feeling drained emotionally. I’ve been using you as a way to vent, so I’m sorry.” “There, you’ve said it again.” My right eye twitched. “Fuckin’, fine.” I stood, pulling the lever and starting the record again. The player had grown cold, and for the first few seconds of the song it was quiet, then once it warmed up the volume increased and was more audible. The two of us sat in silence again, while Mister Monroe sang his song. “You’ve been playing lovely music, throughout your indifferent feelings,” she finally said, smiling at me. “It’s all lovely music,” I said. Her smile grew in size. “Exactly. It doesn’t matter what you’re feeling, or how I’m feeling. What matters is the music is here. It’s here for you, for me, for us to actually feel something. Just because you’ve been more down recently, and openly expressing yourself, doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying my time here. With the music, with you.” I sat there in silence, looking at the mare. Finally, at the third verse in the song, I spoke. “Wow, this sounds like it’s turning into a cheap romance novel.” Twilight let out a laugh, and I was quick to join her. “Sorry,” Twilight said. “There, you’ve said it.” Again, a giggle out of both of us, then silence. “Did you really want to sound like him?” I looked at her, curious. “You were mumbling to yourself a lot tonight, and one thing you said was you wish you could sing like him.” “Oh, yeah.” I watched as the record player arm lifted up, swinging back to its resting place and shutting down. “I think you should look into singing,” she said. I let out a single laugh. “Yeah, I was invited to join a group once. Couple years ago.” “Oh really? Why didn’t you?” “Conflict in time. I worked, and still do, when they get together.” “So you’ve kept in touch with them?” “Eh. Once in awhile at the bar I see them, and we say hi. I play some old songs on the fancy digital jukebox of theirs, and we sing. They said with practice I could be something, but I was more interesting for my knowledge of the songs.” “With how old these songs are, and the generation gaps that lie within, I’d imagine you knowing the lyrics to many of these songs would give you a step up compared to most.” I shook my head. “Doubtful. If anything, you need the musical talent in you already. Then you can build up on the songs. I think they were just trying to be friendly.” “You never know.” “Nope,” I agreed. Silence fell between us again. “Why do you think your friends don’t care?” She had the damndest times to speak, right as I was about to stand up. I relaxed my body, sinking into the couch as much as possible. “They do. That’s the problem.” “Isn’t that what friends are for? To care for you, help you and be there in times of need?” Twilight asked, like she was an expert on the subject. Wait… fucking pony, magical bull shitting- “Yeah, they are. But sometimes, it can be… too much. I can be too much. I’m not normal.” “Are any of us?” Twilight asked with a knowing grin. I shook my head. “Not what I was going for. I’m unorthodox compared to most, and for some reason, I draw those whom I’d normally avoid, or wouldn’t think could stand to be around me. And yet, there they are. They hang with me and withstand my antics. I just don’t totally understand.” “That’s because they’re your friends.” I looked to the mare. She smiled, her horn glowing, and I heard the sound of my record player spinning up again. I let out a defeated sigh. “Fine, I get your point.” Twilight looked to me, waiting. “What? You want me to explain?” “Well duh.” Twilight rolled her eyes. The sound of the lever being pulled and the record starting had me hesitate, but I thought some more on it. “I guess, friendship isn’t all about compatibility and likes slash dislikes. It’s about who we are as people, or ponies for you, that we can agree mutually on something and find comfort in our company. We don’t always agree, but that’s fine too. We just like to talk, share thoughts and opinions, and sometimes shoot guns out of car windows.” “Wait, what?” Twilight looked at me with worry. “But in the end, it’s just that. We’re friends, for whatever reason that fate brought us together, we’re here. We are there for one another. Maybe not right now, maybe not in a year, but at some point or another, we are, and were. And even if our friendships change and we grow distant, we still have those fond memories of our times spent together to keep that bond there. Maybe not as strong, but it’s still there, if not just a tad thin and worn.” Vaughn continued to sing, ignoring our silence as Twilight just stared at me. I looked back to the mare. “Too much?” I asked. “What was that, about shooting out a car window?” I shook my head. “Nothing, a story for another time.” “Sorry, it’s just-” “There, you’ve said it again.” Twilight gave me a mimicked look from earlier, one I’d expressed at her choice of words. She let out a deep sigh. “-it’s just, I wasn’t expecting you to grasp that idea so sudden.” “Do you really take me for a fool?” “That sounds like a song title.” “Actually, I think it is…” I thought, looking at the shelves of records. “Still,” Twilight’s words brought my attention back to her, “if you understand like you say you do, then why do you still worry? Why are you still fretting over the fact that you’re so much different than your friends, and you can’t see why you’re, well, friends?” Okay, now that threw me off. “I… I’m not sure,” I said honestly. “A lot of stuff worries me, even though I already know not to worry, or to let it get under my skin. Is it human nature, or just mine?” “That, you need to answer for yourself.” I shook my fist. “You just love to just lay out the red carpet for me, and as I get on it, pull it out from under my feet, don’t you?” Twilight let out a laugh. “Learn by trial and error. A saying my father would always tell my brother and me.” “Sounds like something my father would also say.” Silence on all three ends of the conversation took over the room. I stood and started the record again. Sitting back down, I reached for my bottle of tonic water and poured myself a glass. Twilight pointed a hoof at me. “Is that… still the same glass?” I looked to the cup in my hand, fizzing with bubbles as the tonic water ate away at whatever grime and crud was inside. “Eeyup.” Twilight stuck out her tongue in disgust. “Wow, you’re right. I don’t understand how your friends stand you.” At that we both laughed, although for varying reasons. Vaughn Monroe was nearing the end of his song once again, and it was approaching three in the morning. “Well, it was fun, but I think I’m done for the night.” Twilight chose that perfect moment to yawn, placing a hoof over her mouth. Being one of those who followed yawns, I did the same motion. At the end of our trailing yawns, we turned to each other and began speaking at the same time. “Oh, sorry-” We both stopped, then Vaughn spoke up. ”There I go!” And then, along with Mister Monroe, we sang: ”There! I’ve said it again!”