//------------------------------// // Welcome to Ponyville (Part 2) // Story: The Adventures of Schadenfreude // by Daemon McRae //------------------------------// Chapter 10: Welcome to Ponyville (Part 2) Mostly, when I meet new ponies, or ponies who have only met me once or twice, I’m greeted with a mix of confusion, eye rolls, and deep sighs. The restraining orders are usually reserved for the third date. Not really, though. Romance is serious business. As in, seriously none of my business. It’s rare, however, for somepony with home I have a relatively minimal passing acquaintance with to greet me with what appears to be unbridled rage. Princess Twilight Sparkle seems to be one of those rarities. Or something. Apparently there’s a pony here named Rarity. Huh. Gonna have to up my adjective game. “Schadenfreude, what are you doing here?” the Princess grumbles, glaring daggers at me. The other mares in the room, apparently known as the Elements of Harmony, all seem to be regarding her with a sense of wariness and confusion. Mind you, I may have met one or two of them in passing, but not enough to remember names. And certainly not enough for them to understand her (wholly justified) seething anger. The rest of the volunteer staff and I are standing in line, awaiting our directions from the Princess. There might be a few inches of space more between me and the ponies next to me than is necessary. She was mid sentence when she noticed, and recognized, me. I wave a jovial hoof at her. “I volunteered!” Her eyebrow twitches as she heaves a sigh. THERE it is. “Of course you did. You do realize how important this job is, right? Are you even a good butler?” Now that hurts. Poking at my personality is one thing. But I have excellent work ethic. “Three years customer service experience. Four years in maintenance and housekeeping. And I’m the longest-lasting butler Prince Blueblood has ever had.” She raises the other eyebrow at me. The first isn’t quite done twitching. It’s quite a sight. Gets me tingly all over. “Oh. Well… that is an impressive resume for somepony your age. Why, exactly, did you leave your first few jobs?” I pause for a moment, thinking. “Well, the housekeeping company I worked for went under. Somepony may have let slip to the local authorities that the owner was wanted for securities and financial fraud, and had been evading his taxes for a few years. The customer service job I ‘got sacked’ from because Blueblood needed a butler slash handler slash lion tamer.” I notice one of the mares in the background, the white one, I think that’s Rarity? Anyway, she shudders briefly. “Yes, well, I can certainly see how a self-centered, egotistical, pompous, stick-driven, megalomaniacal, uncooth-” “Rarity!” Twilight interrupts. The white unicorn coughs. “Oh, yes, sorry. Anyways, it’s not hard for me to believe that somepony like that needs someone… uniquely talented to keep him in line.” The Princess rolls her eyes, and returns her attention to me. “Why did Princess Celestia allow you to leave your post anyway? I thought you had to be within a hundred feet of him or so every day.” That brings a smile to my face. “He’s doing community service at the Public Library for trying to get them shut down so he could divert the funds to some gaudy opera house with his name on it. I’m banned from the library, so… here I am. Also, I volunteered!” I add, waving my hoof again. The pink one waves back, smiling. Oh, this is gonna be fun. Sparkle just closes her eyes, dips her head, and says, “Fine. Fine, you can stay. But I swear to Celestia if you cause any problems I’m dropping you in the Crystal Caves again.” “Jeez, Twilight. What’s so bad about this guy?” the blue pegasus asks. For some reason she hasn’t joined the rest of her group in sitting down, and insists on flying everywhere. I know I’ve seen her face on the new Wonderbolt posters, but I can’t remember for the life of me what her name is. Twilight turns around to address her friends. “Do any of you know what Schadenfreude means in Germane?” They collectively shake their heads, with a series of “Nope”s and “Uh-uh”s. And a “Nopi-dopi-lopi”. This pink one, I swear to Luna. Without turning back around, the Princess addresses me again. “Schaden? If you would be so kind?” “With gusto,” I answer, taking a few steps forward. “Schadenfreude, in the classic vernacular, is defined as taking pleasure from the pain or suffering of others. It is also known as malicious glee, and a few other impolite phrases I try to lean away from. My special talent is, specifically, discovering the irks and pet peeves of ponies and exploiting them for rather hysterical effect.” This explanation, as usual, is greeted with a mix of distaste and alarm. One mare, a pink-ish unicorn sitting off to the side, who up to this point seems to have been distracting herself with a book, asks the usual question: “Who the flying buck would name their foal that?!” I puff my chest proudly in response. “My father. A great Stallion by the name of Pfft Whatever. It’s tradition in my family on my father’s side to name our child by the circumstances of our birth. My parents were separating at the time of my birth, my father sticking around long enough to make sure his wife and son were taken care of and healthy before he left for good. He ended up taking me with him, ironically enough. Anyways, at the time I was being born, my parents were on distinct not-speaking terms, but my mother, Rose Glasses, had promised my father the right to name me. Mind you, while she was in the delivery room, he was sitting in the lobby smoking a cigar and reading… well, more mature literature than I’m sure they allow in hospitals nowadays. Hence, Schadenfreude happened.” Most everypony in the room was less than pleased by the story, but I remain ever proud of it, and my father. Man do I miss him. The orange one spoke up, bringing me out of my nostalgic reverie. “And why exactly, do they let somepony like that work at the castle?” To my surprise, one of the stallions at the end of the line spoke up. “Because he’s not actually completely horrible. He’s good at his job, which is keeping Blueblood on the straight and narrow, and he causes minimal grief for the ponies around him. He just so happens to be the special kind of annoying you get when you put nails on a chalkboard and remix it to the tune of ‘It’s a Small World.’” I beam proudly at that. That’s going on my resume. Twilight nods reluctantly, but agreeably. “Yes. He’s a decent worker, thank goodness, but… just don’t spend too much time around him all at once. He’s… best in small doses.” The unicorn in the corner looks back up from her book. “What kind of… ‘small doses’?” “You girls remember how Celestia keeps inviting random ponies to the Grand Galloping Gala to… ‘stir things up’ because she thinks it’s so boring? And how her pet phoenix is a total jerk sometimes? And how she has a reputation as a seasoned prankster?” The group nods with a series of “yeah”s and “uh-huh”s. And a “yepperooni”. Seriously, what is that pink earth pony’s name?! “Imagine if that was what she was like all the time.” She jabs a wing in my direction, not turning around. “That’s this guy.” Not many things make me teary-eyed with pride, but being compared to a princess is one of them. Especially my favorite troll. -------------------------------------- After a lot of boring discussion about our actual jobs, which yes I paid attention to thankyouverymuch, we were shown our living quarters. My room was rather simple, which suited me fine. I’d packed only a few small things for my stay here, as I’m relatively easy to amuse. I throw my travel bag on my bed, and make a quick checklist of the essentials. “Sharpie, check. Airhorn, check. Pen and paper, check. Ponyville tourism guide, check. Glitter, check. Ooh, running short. Should pick some of that up. Coffe mug, check. Las Pegasus reaper peppers, che-” I’m interrupted by a lot of knocking on my door. Like, a whole bunch. Somepony’s tapping out a song. So of course I answer it. “Hello?” I ask, swinging the door wide. The pony on the other side taps a few beats on the air before she realizes the door’s not there to make sound on anymore. It’s the pink one with the poofy hair. She snaps out it and notices me, finally. “Hi there! My name’s Pinkie Pie! I’m going around to alllllllll the new ponies and welcoming them to Ponyville! We’re even having a super big ‘Thanks for Coming to Ponyville and helping to Keep Twilight’s Castle Clean’ party tonight! Is it true that you’re a mean pony who makes other ponies sad? That’s not very nice. Jokes are supposed to be funny! I should teach you some of my jokes, they’re WAY funny-” She says this all very fast, without visibly stopping for air- “-uuuuuuuAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH-” oh, there it is. “-and so I thought I would take some extra time to say hi to you cause Twilight says you like pranks and I looooooooooooooove pranks so I thought you and me and Rainbow Dash-” THAT’S that pegasus’s name. Thank you, pink one. “-could all get together and plan some super-mega-ultra pranks cause they’re lots and lots of fun and I know being away from home for so long gets soooooooooooooo sad and I don’t want you to be sad so I-” She goes on like this for awhile, and I figure it’s best to just sit back and listen. ------------------------------------ “-and that’s when I said, ‘Oatmeal? Are you crazy?!” She looks ready to start another story when Rainbow Dash appears from the side of the door. “Pinkie Pie? What are you doing?” “Oh hi Dashie!” Snrrk. ‘Dashie’? “I was just saying hi to Schadenfreude! We were talking about pranks and stuff and then I told him the oatmeal story!” ‘Dashie’ gives me a weird look. “Did… did you just sit here and listen to her talk for...” she looks at the lock in my room, “-an hour and a half?! HOW?!” Well, that explains where the feeling in my legs went. I just give her a sideways smile. “Oh, she’s a lot of fun to talk to. Lots of great stuff. Right?” I direct that last bit at Pinkie, who smiles wide. “Yeppers!” “And besides, it’s rude to interrupt your friend when they’re talking,” I add, with a little huff. Pinkie Pie gives her pegasus friend a stern look. “Yeah Rainbow Dash! Miss Conversus Interruptus Pegasususususus!” Oh, my god, this mare is hysterical. Rainbow just glares at me. “Whatever. The party’s starting! Come on!” she barks, tearing down the hall at an impressive speed. Pinkie Pie gasps loudly, which seems to take her a few feet off the ground. “Ohmigosh I forgot about the party come oooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!” And she tears down the hall at almost the same speed. Which, frankly is even more impressive. I take a few moments to let the blood return to my extremities, and follow at a walking pace. --------------------------- I finally find my way to the center of the castle, where the festivities seem well underway. Having been given the rest of the day off by the Princess, my fellow staffers are mingling with the locals rather amicably. I only get a few sideways look as I wander into the group. At least, until I’m stopped by the mare of the house herself. “Schaden, where have you been? I seriously doubt it takes an hour and a half to unpack such a small bag,” Twilight says sternly. I return her glare, to which I’ve become accustomed, with a polite smile. A personal favorite tool of mine, the polite smile. Angry ponies hate it. “Why, I’ve just been talking to Pinkie Pie.” Her eyes widen. “Pinkie Pie? For… ninety minutes?” “Why yes! Well, she did most of the talking. Did you know she knows everypony in Ponyville? She told me all about all of you guys! And I have a fantastic memory,” I add with a wide, genuine smile. She shudders. “Oh, Schaden, no.” “Schaden YES.”