On a rather quiet street in Canterlot, there is a quaint little workshop run by a unicorn stallion with a coat of steel grey, his neat yet curly mane a monochrome combination, and eyes of vibrant, somewhat soothing of violet. His name is Key Keeper, and his shop focuses on helping the ponies of the royal capital who have been locked out or want to unlock old treasures in seemingly bland crates and chests. He took pride in his job, though he didn’t express it too often, as he had been a rather stoic individual since his somewhat complicated childhood.
That, however, is a story for another time, as much like our lockpicking unicorn, this story will focus more on recent events. Specifically one client in particular. Now, Key Keeper has had the odd customer every now and then, some actually turning out to be criminals trying to take money and valuables out of safes and lockboxes they had stolen, but Key had never given such ponies the thrill of getting their spoils instead of a visit from the local authorities. However, this client in particular was, by all definitions, strange. It all started earlier in the morning, as Key was opening his workshop for the day, calibrating his machines and tuning his magic, when a loud, unnatural noise echoed through the street outside. It sounded like a low, groaning...no, more like breathing, like a dragon was about to unleash a fiery sneeze upon the town. Key rushed out through his door, slightly worried by the noise, but thankfully no dragon lingered outside. Instead, there was a brown earth stallion with a spiky mane talking with a grey pegasus mare with a blonde mane in front of a blue...box. That was the best way to describe it: a box. Key payed them no mind, simply thinking he imagined the noise, and went back to his work.
Nothing quite special today, in spite of the morning oddities; a mother locked out of her home, an eccentric collector looking to appraise the contents of a rusty lockbox, the usual. Then he came in. Well, actually he practically crashed through the door, but nevertheless he came into the shop. He was quite frantic, panting and wheezing from doing...something. He locked his gaze onto Key Keeper and rushed up to him until his muzzle was uncomfortably close to the unicorn’s.
“YOU! You know keys, right?”
“U-um. That is correct sir, I am a key-”
“Brilliant! And you’re a unicorn as well!”
“Y-yes, I am indeed, but what does-”
“Fantastic! Maybe that’ll give us the edge!”
“Give us the edge in wha-”
Without hesitation, the stranger took Key by the front leg and yanked him through his shop, much to the unicorn’s resistance.
“Come, come! I need your help this instant! The fate of many universes hangs in the balance of your craft!”
That was just about Key’s limit, as he yanked his arm back from the stranger.
“SIR,” he firmly said, “I suggest you properly explain yourself, or I will be forced to call the police!”
The stranger looked wounded, but then a flash of understanding came over his face as he straightened himself up. He then cleared his throat.
“Ah yes, how brash of me. Hello, I’m The Doctor, and I’m in need of your assistance. Immediately. As in, right now.”
“I’m afraid that’s not enough, sir,” Key sighed, “I still need to know what has you so frazzled that you burst in and almost yank me out of my own workshop. I need you to explain.”
“Well, that’ll be a bit tricky,” The Doctor said with a sheepish look, “I’ll need you to come outside with me. Bloody hell, this is so embarrassing...”
Suddenly, Key had a moment of clarity.
“Ahh, I see, you’ve locked yourself out of your home.”
“Ummm...in a manner of speaking,” The Doctor replied, his grin growing wider.
“Well, if you allow me to collect my kit, I’ll be happy to come with you to my home so I can get started.”
“Ah, fantastic,” The Doctor exclaimed, then sighed, “feels nostalgic, saying that word.”
Key ignored the strange comment, heading for the back room to gather the necessary tools to examine the lock. Afterwards, The Doctor escorted him...to the box. Suddenly, Key recognized the stranger as the stallion from earlier this morning, the one who appeared after the strange noise from before. He stared at The Doctor with a blank expression. The Doctor stared back with a look of childish impatience.
“Well?”
“‘Well’ what?”
“Aren’t you going to pick the lock?”
Key stared blankly at the stallion again. This “Doctor” could not be serious about this.
“This...is your home,” Key asked with more than a hint of skepticism.
“In a sense,” The Doctor replied, his sheepish grin returning.
Key couldn’t believe how nonsensical this stallion was acting. This box was far too small to be any pony’s home, as it only looked large enough to hold one pony. It was certainly tall, but not wide, sporting a deep shade of blue. Alongside the roof on all four sides, the words “Police Public Call Box” shown in white letters, while a lengthy sign adorned one of the doors. It explained that this “call box” was somehow connected to the police, and how “cars”, whatever those were, would respond to it. What was all of this gibberish? Cars? Telephone? Key Keeper was thoroughly confused, but shrugged it off wanting to get this over with.The unicorn sighed and got to work, taking out his his lock picking kit with his magic. His riffled through the pouch.
“Hrrrmm...I’ve never seen a...house like this before,” he said thoughtfully, “but I could try some of my skeleton keys to see if any of them match the lock.”
Using his magic, the unicorn brought a ring of skeleton keys, each with varying amounts of teeth and bittings to the lock on the door, moving the first one into the slot. And then what felt like one thousand volts pulsed from the keys into Key Keeper’s horn, causing him to scream louder than he ever had in his entire life. It echoed throughout the street, causing passing ponies to stare at the spectacle of a locksmith screeching at the strange blue box. With one swift movement, Key quickly yanked the skeleton key out of the lock and flopped onto the ground, twitching slightly as his horn smoked from it’s singed tip.
“Ah! Are you alright,” The Doctor panicked.
“Nik flaq blurnik quan dun fluuurrrrn,” Key Keeper muttered, his brain not allowing him to speak Equestrian for the moment.
The Doctor ignored the locksmith, rushing up to the box...and then caressed it, lovingly.
“Ohhh, are you ok my dear? C’mon, now. Let the nice ma-... stallion help us, I lost my key and need to get back in to make a new one.”
Key Keeper shook his head, recovering from the shock. He gave the Doctor an annoyed glance.
“What in the name of The Royal Sisters was that,” he asked in an annunciated tone.
“Oh, um, yes,” The Doctor stammered, releasing the box, “perhaps I should have mentioned that my house is a tad… defensive.”
“Defensive?! It shocked me through the horn,” the locksmith yelled, “Do you have any idea how much that hurts?”
“I would if I had regenerated into a unicorn,” The Doctor muttered.
“What?”
“Oh, nothing, nothing at all! The point is my house thought you were a...burglar, and she was only defending herself.
“She?”
“Yes, I call her a ‘she’. Never heard any complaints from her. Regardless, I’ve told her you are a good pony and she should let you do your job. She won’t hurt you again, cross my hearts.”
Hearts? Why did this stallion have to speak in such agonizing riddles?
Key groaned as he rose from the ground, opting to pick up the skeleton keys with his hooves rather than his magic. Speaking of which, his horn had finally stopped smoking, but was definitely sensitive and sore from the shock. This was going to be trickier than before, as Key was so used to using his magic to use his tools in a delicate, yet swift manner. Using his hooves meant having to painstakingly stifle his movements in order to get this vexing job done. Key sighed, irritated about having to spend more time with this insane stallion and his box house, and flicked through his skeleton keys for his next attempt.
“Perhaps this next one will yield better results.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hours worth of struggling with this box yielded nothing but failure and pain for poor Key Keeper, who looked tired, irritated and wounded. Nearly every pick Key had used to open this door was either melted, frozen, rusted, or simply broken after mucking about with this infernal lock. Key wasn’t faring any better, as his hooves and horn ached from multiple injuries from the experience. His patience and composure were dangerously close to breaking. The Doctor, meanwhile, was pacing in a circle nearby, clearly losing his composure as well.
“Oh, this is so bothersome,” he muttered, “I’d normally be able to open her up in a snap. Literally! Do you know how hard it is to snap your fingers when you don’t have fingers?”
“Not as difficult as unlocking a door that has more defense mechanisms than Canterlot Castle,” Key replied through gritted teeth, annoyed by this nonsensical stallion.
“Sorry, did you say something,” The Doctor said, apparently talking to himself before.
“Oh...nothing,” Key hissed, putting his last lockpick into the box ever so gently...before it disintegrated upon insertion.
That was the straw on the camel’s...or rather, pony’s back for Key Keeper. His nostrils flared with every sharp, ragged breath he took as he slowly turned to the Doctor, eyes twitching.
“That’s it,” he yelled, “I’m done with this impossible...thing! You don’t need a locksmith, you need an exorcist for this box of yours!”
And with that, he started to stomp away as the Doctor followed close behind.
“Oh, no no no no no,” he replied in a panicked tone, “It’s not her fault, she’s just defending herself! It’s a reflex; instinctive!”
Key didn’t care, trotting heavily through the street as The Doctor hastily followed him. He practically barreled through the door of Tealove’s Tea Room and stormed up to the counter as the Doctor shadowed him. Tealove, a beautiful green mare with a curly sky blue mane, waited behind the counter.
“Hello, Key, how can I-?”
“Mint. Please.”
He said it through gritted teeth. He didn’t mean too, but right now he didn’t care. This “Doctor” had driven him mad, and only tea could help now. Tealove got to work quickly as Key pulled out two bits for the drink, ignoring The Doctor’s constant pleas. What he couldn’t ignore was all the ponies in the cafe noticing the scene his client was making. He levitated the cup right out of Tealove’s hooves, making his way to the patio to avoid the patrons. The Doctor, for once, stayed behind at the counter. As Key took his seat under the shade of an umbrella, he took in the aroma of his tea. The sweet, calming scent of peppermint soothed him almost immediately. He even noticed that Tealove added actual peppermint candies to strengthen the flavour, which were slowly dissolving in the drink.
‘Ah, bless her,’ he thought, ‘She always knows what ponies need in their cup.’
He took a sip of the sweet drink, closing his eyes as he could feel his stress nearly fade away...only to have it immediately return when he saw The Doctor sitting in front of him with his own cup of tea with a lemon wedge.
“Well, I can certainly see why you came here,” he said, sipping his tea, “the tea here is fantastic.”
Key just stared in silence. If anger had a physical form, the unicorn would be radiating a pure cloud of it right now. This stallion had effectively destroyed Key Keeper’s tolerance, something that was normally quite unbreakable. He had dealt with complaints, difficult locks, vague instructions, all sorts of obstacles that would drive somepony mad. Sure, Key had been stressed in the past, but he was never one to quit on a job. But this Doctor and his impossible box had driven him past the breaking point. His skeleton keys were effectively destroyed, his stress was through the roof, and he still couldn't figure out how to open this mad stallion’s box.
“...Who are you,” he finally said.
The Doctor stopped mid-sip.
“Eh,” the stallion asked, “That’s an odd question to ask.”
“After everything that’s happened today,” Key explained, “I don’t think it is. At first, I thought nothing about you when you first showed up in Canterlot this morning. You, that box and your grey friend, making that loud noise in the early hours of the morning; I just dismissed it all. Then you come barging into my shop with nary an explanation for your panic, expecting me to just follow you and fix your problems. Again; easily dismissable if not bothersome, I’ve had similar clients in the past. That would have been all fine and dandy if your ‘house’ didn’t have such a chaotic security system, which it does. My skeleton keys have been rendered useless thanks to your box, something that has never happened in my line of work. Ever. So color me a little frustrated and surprisingly curious by your presence.”
Key levitated his cup of tea to take a generous sip. As soon as it floated down to the saucer with a small clink, he continued.
“No home in Equestria, not even the Castle of the Royal Sisters has that much security. I should know, I’ve helped make and duplicate all kinds of keys for their locks. So, I’ll ask again: Who are you, Doctor?”
The Doctor stared at Key. His vibrant blue eyes were clouded with thought, as his whole demeanour seemed to slowly change. What was once a spastic, loud lunatic was a calm stallion lost in thought, contemplating something deep. He took a small, quiet sip of his tea and sighed.
“If I told you,” he finally said, “would you believe anything I said?”
“As long as it made sense,” Key replied.
The Doctor inhaled deeply, then exhaled softly.
“Well, you are quite right: I am not what you would consider a ‘normal’ pony. I’m a Time Lord from a planet once known as Gallifrey. I travel through space and time, just popping in and out in my machine, my blue box, exploring both the known and unknown ends of the universe...and occasionally saving the day from the usual baddies floating around by coincidence. My box, my TARDIS, is a special machine that requires a specific key to get past, and it has a very special triplecurtain trimonic lock with twenty-seven different tumblers in four separate dimensions, which might explain why your skeleton keys are melted, frozen, disintegrated, corroded...well, you get the idea. I thought for sure unicorn magic could fool her, but I really shouldn’t underestimate her. I’m just grateful the old girl didn’t use her advance security system to lock me out forever, otherwise we’d all be in a heap of trouble.”
Key silently sat still, clinging on to every word The Doctor said.
“So,” the stallion concluded, “Basically, I’m a time travelling alien with no time machine slash spacecraft at the moment due to me somehow losing my bloody key, which wouldn’t be a problem with I had fingers, but…”
The Doctor waved his fore hooves around, showing his lack of extra appendages.
Key lifted his cup and took a small sip, finishing off his tea. He then slowly rose out of his chair and walked up to The Doctor.
“Doctor,” he said quietly, “That is, by far, the most ludicrous story I have ever heard of in my entire life.”
“What,” The Doctor exclaimed.
“Time travel, aliens, ‘triple-monic whatevers’, absolute rubbish. For starters, only unicorns can time travel, and even then you would have to find Starswirl’s spell in his wing at the Canterlot Archives, which only works once for a short period of time. Secondly, do you honestly expect me to believe you’re an alien? You look just like every other pony I’ve ever seen.”
“Well, that’s just rude,” The Doctor rebutted, “It’s not my fault I regenerated without an extra limb or something ‘alien-y’ to make it obvious! I’ve still got the two hearts, y’know!”
“Regardless, we’re done here,” Key said, walking away.
“No, wait, hang on!”
The Doctor quickly trotted up to the unicorn, who was already well on his way back to his shop.
“C’mon, what do I have to do to prove everything I said was one-hundred percent fact?”
“Well, gee, you could show me your time machine,” Key said in a tone practically dripping with sarcasm.
“Oi, don’t get snarky with me.”
“I’m just saying, it’s quite a coincidence that you can’t prove any of what you’ve just told me. For all I know, all that security in your box is part of some elaborate prank you’ve pulled on me. Well, the jokes over, ‘Doctor’.”
“Ugh, and I thought humans were unnaturally stubborn!”
As the pair drew closer to Key’s workshop, the same grey pegasus mare from before could be seen waiting by the box, waiting anxiously for something. As soon as she saw the Doctor, she lept into the air and flapped her way towards him.
“There you are, Doctor, I was so worried!”
Key never noticed this before, but her golden eyes were...what was the right word for it? Unsynchronized? One seemed to act normal, looking at The Doctor, but the other seemed to be unintentionally focused on something else.
Wall-eyed! That was what she was!
“What happened to you,” she said in a concerned tone, “One minute we’re looking at muffins, the next thing you disappeared!”
“Sorry, Ditzy,” The Doctor sighed, “But I’ve lost my key to the TARDIS.”
“Huh,” Ditzy’s eyes swiveled, emphasising her confusion.
“I lost my key,” The Doctor repeated, “And now I can’t get back into the TARDIS. I tried to have a new key made, which reminds me: Key Keeper, Ditzy Do. Ditzy Do, Key Keeper.”
“Nice to meet you,” Ditzy said, getting a tad close to Key’s face.
“I wish I could say the same, miss,” Key replied.
“Now, Doctor,” Ditzy tried to say something.
“Anyway,” The Doctor immediately continued, “This strapping young ma- stallion tried to help me make a new key or at least get into the TARDIS, but-”
“But it’s absolutely impossible,” Key interrupted, “whatever that box is, I want no more part of it. Not that I could even if I wanted to, with all my skeleton keys being destroyed.”
“Doctor,” Ditzy tried again.
“Yes, yes,” The Doctor sighed, “My TARDIS ruined your skeleton keys, I get it! I’m sorry, alright?”
“Doctor.”
“No, not ‘alright’,” Key sternly replied, “I can’t run a business without my skeleton keys! I hope your little prank was worth it, ‘Doctor’.”
“For the last time,” The Doctor retorted, now losing his usual easy-going demeanor, “this is not a bloody prank! This is ‘end of the universe’ stuff going on right now!”
KNOCK-KNOCK! KNOCK-KNOCK!
Four quick, loud raps silenced the two stallions, who turned to see Ditzy at the box, a hoof raised. The Doctor, who looked like he had seen a ghost, took a steady deep breath.
“Sorry, Ditzy,” he said in a more chipper tone, “what was it you wanted to say?”
Without saying a word, Ditzy pulled a shiny, metal object from her mane. It was attached to a small key chain on a hair tie. The Doctor took a sharp gasp.
“THE KEY,” he shouted, leaping to Ditzy and holding her tight, “Oh Ditzy you beautiful, beautiful mare!”
Ditzy was blushing brightly while in The Doctor’s embrace. Key, on the other hand…
“HOLD IT,” he barked out, “That is the key?”
The Doctor released Derpy, beaming.
“Yes, indeed it is!”
“All this time, your marefriend had it?!”
“What,” Ditzy squeaked, “W-w-we’re not-”
“Wait a moment,” The Doctor pondered, “Ditzy, when did you have my key?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, Doctor,” Ditzy replied, “You gave it to me before we landed so you wouldn’t lose it.”
The silence that came after that statement felt like it lasted an eternity. Key’s gaze was locked on to the Doctor, his eyes full of malice and anger. Then he suddenly took a sharp breath.
“Excuse me a moment,” he said, calmly.
He then entered his shop, slowly and swiftly. Then, something snapped. Inside the shop, The Doctor and Ditzy could hear the muffled, agitated screams of the keysmith. Then, moments after the sound died, Key Keeper stepped out, his mane somewhat of a tangled mess, his thistle-violet streak merging into the jet-black.
“Well, now that all of that is settled,” Key said in a forced cherry tone, “There is only the matter of your bill.”
“Eh, but you didn’t pick the lock,” The Doctor replied.
“No, but there is the expense of labor as well as the cost of my entire set of skeleton keys, so let me see…”
“Ah ah ah, before you make that bill,” The Doctor interrupted, “Let me do something real quick.”
“Oh, no,” Key retorted, “you are not going to run away from-”
“Mr. Keeper,” Ditzy interrupted, “please. He’s not going to run. Please, let him do this.”
She was looking at him with such wide, twinkling eyes. Even her disjointed gaze was liable to melt the coldest of souls. Key sighed.
“Fine, do whatever you must.”
The Doctor grinned. He took his key from Ditzy’s chain and went up to the box. With a standard click, the doors finally opened, and before Key could get a glimpse of anything inside, The Doctor quickly stepped inside and closed the door. Then came a sound, the very same sound from earlier this morning, a low unnatural groan now rising from the box as it...vanished. That was exactly what happened, the box slowly vanished as it groaned at the two ponies, disappearing before their eyes. Key was flabbergasted. Was this another trick? More unicorn magic? He turned to look at Ditzy, who just grinned at him.
Suddenly the groaning faded back into the air, and the box followed suit as it appeared in the exact same spot. Out came The Doctor seconds later, strolling up to Key with a leather case on his back.
“There you are,” he proudly declared, presenting the case to Key.
It was locked up with a bronze buckle with a broad button on the center. Key levitated the case away and pressed the button with a soft click. The case expanded to reveal a glistening assortment of bronze twinkling in the mid-afternoon sun. Upon closer examination, Key couldn’t believe what he was seeing...it was a brand new lockpicking kit, complete with skeleton keys, torsion wrenches, ball picks, bump keys, all sorts of new tools ready to be used.
“That right there is a genuine master lock picking set, my good stallion,” The Doctor explained, “I went back in time to a period when this particular set was all the rage for young locksmiths like your father.”
“My...father,” Key slowly looked up the the Doctor, his face frozen in a soft state of surprise.
“Yes, nice stallion, ol’ Padlock. He and I met in the shop...I believe it’s still around, just a couple streets over.”
“Was it wooden,” Key quickly asked, “Both in and out?”
“Oh, yes.”
“Lots of antique tools on display? Owned by an old, green stallion?”
“Well, when I saw him he still had some color in his beard, but yes and yes.”
“That was old Frumpy Demode’s shop!”
“Frumpy?! That was his first name,” The Doctor roared with laughter, “No wonder why he didn’t tell me!”
Mr. Demode never told anyone his first name under threat of barring them from his shop. The only reason Key had ever learned about it was because his father let it slip one night after…
‘No. No time for memories about him.’
Key looked at the Doctor firmly, regaining his composure.
“...Well, I suppose this will cover the replacement costs...in fact, I dare say it covers everything.”
“Eh? But what about-”
“Doctor. I believe you now. I’m sorry for being so...stubborn.”
“Well, I’d argue that you were being more than stubborn, but who am I to argue.”
“Yes, well...I normally don’t have such...unusual clients. Certainly not any time travellers. So, yes, maybe I was more than stubborn. In fact, I was appallingly monstrous. I do hope that you can forgive me.”
Ditzy put an arm around Key’s shoulders, looking at him with a reassuring smile.
“It happens from time to time,” she said, “even on some of the other worlds we’ve been to.”
“Which is why,” the Doctor interjected, “I’m willing to forgive you, so long as you mind that temper.”
Key let out a noise. It was an usual noise, like a soft gurgling from his throat. It took the two time travellers much longer than they would like to admit to realize that Key Keeper just chuckled.
“I’ll certainly do my best in the near future, Doctor.”
“Good lad. Come along, Ditzy! There’s more adventures to be had! In ignotis!”
The grey pegasus gave Key a quick hug before entering the box right behind the Doctor. Once again, the box...the TARDIS the Doctor had called it, vanished with that familiar groan. As that noise slowly faded into the wind, Key sat in awe of the spectacle.
He looked down at the new case, taking in the events of the day. He sighed as he remembered how he acted, how angry and stressed he had been, how much he had yelled out in the streets for everyone in Equestria to see...he would have to apologize to Tealove for his aggressive order earlier. The weary stallion went back inside his shop, slightly surprised to see the shop in a state of slight disarray. He must have truly let his anger get the better of him. He sighed again, and began to levitate the scattered key bases, locks and display stands back into place.
“‘Into the unknown’, huh,” he murmured.
To Key Keeper of Canterlot, the future from here on out was certainly unknown.