Who am I?
I’m Spike Drago P.I.!
Yes, my name is Spike and I'm a 27 year old drake. After years of living in the calm town of Ponyville, I got my GED, went to college to study forensic science, served three years in the Lunar Marines, I joined the Royale Police force in my home city of Canterlot which to in the least was odd because I was the only dragon on the payroll of any department. Heck, I even got married by my childhood sweetheart a white unicorn with a deep purple mane. My life had become everything I ever hoped it could be; I had had a great job, a wife and my student loans were finally paid off. However, fate has a way of kicking you in the balls.
I came home early because my weekly poker game had gone bust, meaning my buddy Chugs the Diamond dog who was my college roommate at the University of Mareami had forgot to pay rent for a month and was being evicted and was revealed that all the money he was suppose to use for rent going towards his addiction to hookers. We had a couple of brews in the at the Burnt Liar a pretty nasty bar and we went back to his apartment talked about what he’d do now as I helped him put his few meager possessions into his car.
“So, Chugs whatchu gonna do now that you don’t have a place to stay, I mean you can crash at my house, but you know my wife’s kinda for a lack of a better word racist against dogs.”
“Naw, its cool bro, my parents live in the city I’ll just move back in with them and just deal with my little sister rubbing it in my face that I’m thirty years old and still live with mom and dad. I mean it could be worse right?”
I left for home; normally I’d be there at around ten o’clock on Friday, but because of my lost evening I was there at around seven tonight. I walked to the door and as I was about to open it I heard panting and the screaming and moans of ecstasy.
“Yes! Yes! Don’t worry Trigger my husband won’t be back till ten anyway!!!”
I, blinded in rage bust open the door to see my nightmares become reality. There was Trigger Stetson my old partner on the force during my tenor in Equestricide mounting my wife. He noticed me grabbed his coat and bolted through the window. I reached for the baseball bat I keep near the door for security reasons and began chasing Trigger through the streets as he outran me, I returned home at see my wife shaking in fear on our Sofa the one we got as a wedding gift from Luna herself.
“RARITY, HOW COULD YOU?”
“SPIKE I HAVE NEEDS, AND YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN TOO BUSY WITH WORK.”
“NEEDS!?! I WORK SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO AND THIS IS MY THANKS, GODS DAMMIT I LOVED YOU.”
“SPIKE,” she yells out to him, but he’s still fuming.
“Get…out,” I whispered with a deep twinge of anger and my fist clenched to my side.
“Spike?”
“I SAID GET OUT YOU BUCKING WHORE!!!” I said that phrase with a deep pain in my chest, and tears rolling down my face. My universe had just imploded and it felt like it imploded twice.
Rarity grabbed her purse and quickly walked out the door that Spike held open. At this point his neighbors were outside to see what the commotion was about. Spike looked at them and yelled.
“WHAT THE BUCK ARE YOU ASSHOLES LOOKING AT?! SHOW’S OVER!!!”
'I need a drink,' I thought to myself. So, back to the Burnt Liar it is.
Two hours later he was telling Barrel the bartender his life story, yelling and crying into his gin. This was a place you could do those kinda things. The Burnt Liar was a miserable bar for miserable drunks. Yeah, Spike and Chugs were regulars and weren’t suicidally depressed; they just came here for the drink specials. Now, Spike was just like every other patron: broken, sad and alone.
The weeks following he would become a more frequent visitor, with his dorsal spikes unkempt, his face unshaven and had even fallen behind on his police work. The next few weeks in only got worse up until the divorce court date. Spike at this point had shaved everything but a thick mustache and wore a cheap suit. Believe it or not the court actually was on his side, mostly due to the power of friendship oh, and having the best damn layer in the city represent you free of charge. His named was Ted “Tookie” Williams; he was a centaur (the birth result of a human in Equestria scenario), graduated top of his class and much like Chugs their relationship started in college albeit on shaky terms. He was a pompous jerk who bullied Spike and after an actual fist fight between the two in which they beat the shit out of each other, they became good friends. They were the three amigos, but that’s a story for another day. The court saw the over whelming evidence and decided on a settlement and two parties would just leave each other, no alimony to be paid, no words, they would just part ways after their possessions were divided between them. Rarity got the house and Spike got the car and half their life savings.
I was in a state of depression; I needed to get the hell out this city. I gave my police captain Tom the Boulder my notice and my badge to which he nodded understandingly. I told Chugs and Tookie I was leaving and I couldn’t stay here and drink myself to death. They respected my decision; I told them that this wouldn’t be the end. I went to shake their hands, but instead I got a bro-hug from my two closest friends. That night we went drinking, not for sadness, but rather as a small going away party.
I decided to go to the one place that loved me. I went home to Ponyville. I was a tough cop, but I’m secure with myself to admit I missed my mother, okay she wasn’t really my mom and she was only six years older than me, but she raised me, she fed me and she helped pay for my schooling. If you don’t call that a mother then I don’t know what is. She also unofficially adopted me.
I got in my car a 25 year old Jeep Grand Cherokee with my bags on the roof rack (all cars in this universe are powered by magic, not gas).
I reach the town at around seven at night and knocked on the door of the Library to which I was tackled to the ground as she saw me. Twilight proceeded to hug me and ask me the one million usual mom questions. She for only being 33 years old, acted like a stereotypical worried parent.
“Spike why don’t you ever call? You know Soarin’ and I are worried you. Have you been eating well? You should stop drinking. Oy Vey, break your mother's heart why don’t chu. I’m so sorry about what happened with Rarity and I wish I coulda been there; don’t worry you can stay here as long as you want,” Twilight said frantically not allowing me to a word in edgewise.
“Yeah for being the element of generosity, she was giving it alright,” I said trying to lighten up the mood and was smacked by Twilight for the crude joke.
“Anyway where’s dad?”
“He’s grabbing some things for me at the Circle C convenient store. He’ll be back in…”
The door opened and there stood Soarin’ the former Wonderbolt with two bags of groceries and the only stallion I’d ever be proud enough to call dad.
“Honey, I’m Home! Oh, hi Spike, I saw your truck parked outside, glad to see you still have the graduation present we gave you after what was is eight years?”
“Hi, old stallion and it’s nine years I’ve had that old truck. I’m gonna be stayin here for a couple of days if you don’t mind.”
“Not at all little buddy, although you ain’t so little anymore. I’d say something about what happened to you, but I know you’d like to forget about it. However, if you ever need an ear we’ll listen to anything you gotta say. We care about you Spike.”
He said those words and for once during the last two months I didn’t feel like drinking. I was actually happy.
Two days later I was having idle conversation with my parents and my childhood friends of Snips and Snails. Out of nowhere I felt strange rumbling sensation that I haven’t felt in years. I belched out a letter and proceeded to read it out loud.
Dear, Spike Drago,
My name is Sapphire Shores and yes the Pony of Pop. Anyway I’m in need of a private investigator and I was given your name from the very grateful Prince Blueblood after you discovered and foiled an assassination attempt on his life. I’ve gone over your record and think you’d be SENSATIONAL for the job. You can live in my mansion in Haywaii, but I warn you my estate is operated by former fashion consultant and surprisingly badflank Hoity Toity. If you accept this offer, please response by day’s end tomorrow and I’ll send you chariot plane tickets and a dossier containing vital information.
Love, S.S
“Wow, that’s a mouthful,” I remarked.
“You gonna take it Spike,” asked Snips.
“I dunno, it’s a lot to take in.”
“I think it’d be good for you, the sun and the sand, paradise, away for you to forget about certain events and away for you to get back into and renew your passion for police work. It’s at least better than slumming it with us,” said Twilight.
“If you think that’s what’s best for me, then I trust you,” I said. I mean if it doesn’t work out I can always come back home. I sent a response immediately only to receive one two tickets to paradise. WAIT, two tickets? And there was small note that said I could bring a guest. As if I was Twilight with Gala tickets, a twenty-seven year old Applebloom bust through the room.
“Take me wit you. Ah always wanted to go to Haywaii, Spikey, pleeeeeeeeeasssssssseeeee…,” Applebloom whined immaturely as I interrupted her.
“Alright you can come, it’s not like I know what you can do while you’re there, I dunno maybe you can be my assistant.”
“Ooh, Thank you, thank you, thank you Spike, just think about it the exciting adventures of Spike Drago P.I and his lovely assistant Apple Bloom Apple.”
“Alright enough! let’s hurry up and pack. The plane leaves tomorrow”
The next morning Bloom and I said our goodbyes and were at the Lunia airport in Manehattan. We boarded our flight, I’d only been on one flight before this and it was nothing compared to this, it seems our tickets were executive first class all the way. I was comfortable, my Earth pony companion on the other hand was freaking out at every little bump and Turbulence.
“WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!”
She proceeded to hyperventilate and get air sick. I turned up my Mp3 player and went to sleep for the duration of the flight.
When we landed and exited the plane the differences between us we like night and day. I was looking very relaxed and feeling refreshed my scales shiny and glistened in the sun and my thick mustache was well trimmed. Applebloom on the other claw looked a high mess. Her mane was disheveled, her fur matted and complexion was tinted green.
We were greeted by Hula Dancers that put flower leis around our necks.
“Let’s get you cleaned up before we meet our contact,” I said as I passed her, her bag.
“I think I’ll change into something more inconspicuous.”
Twenty minutes we meet in the food court of Haywaii International airport. I was wearing my Canterlot Money Colts baseball cap, red floral Haywaiian shirt, blue jeans and tennis shoes. I waited for Applebloom who emerged from the mare’s restroom and I was stunned. It was just a simple sundress and her hair was in put up in a bun.
“Whoa!” She blushed slightly at my dumbstruck gaze and looked at me and she was on the verge of Laughter.
“Errr…Spike, you look…,” she said as I interrupted her.
“I know, like a dashing local, I look I’ve lived here for years, right?”
“Sir, you look like a damn tourist,” said an unknown unicorn stallion in a torn shirt, tattered vest, and straw hat as he laughed at his own joke.
“Dammit!”
“Thank Celestia he said it and not me,” Applebloom said it sarcastically as she snickered to herself.
“Who, the hell are you,” I said slightly annoyed.
“I’m Quan…*whipped out his badge*…chief of police and you must be Spike and…”
“Applebloom, his assistant,” she said with a slight flare.
“I’m your contact, and I apologize for being a little late. So, did you have an enjoyable flight?”
“I did, but she on the other claw, not so much.”
“Ah gotta a little scared and got tiny bit sick.”
“A LITTLE SCARED!?! You were praying to every known deity, including Crumb, the Griffon Gods and The Four Winds. When the flight was over, the flight attendant said you gave her five vomit bags.”
“Okay, sheesh, maybe ah underexagerated a little!”
‘My gods, these two bicker like an old married couple,’ Quan thought to himself, before interrupting the two.
“Anyway allow me show you to Shores Manor and then I can give you a tour of island once you two unpack.”
We proceeded into Quan’s squad car parked around the corner. He drove us to the front gates of a huge two story, brick and stucco mansion, there were fancy cars parked out front, palm trees and a white maned Earth pony with a gray coat wearing purple tinted shades and a tan gi with a red belt indicating a very high skill practicing Jiu Jitsu.
I took this scene in and said, “I can get used to this in a hurry.”
Next chapter: We meet Hoity Toity, our benefactor and settle in.
AN: The Burnt Liar is a creation of site member Coffeebean.