Chapter 10: Welcome to Ponyville, Part 1
“My little ponies,” Princess Celestia began, addressing the large ensemble of waitstaff and workers gathered before her, “Thank you all for coming today. I know you have very busy schedules, so I am very pleased to see you taking time away from your duties to help me address a rather… interesting matter.”
I sat somewhere near the back, being as absolutely polite and attentive as I could. Normally, I would revel in the opportunity to antagonize such a large crowd all at once. However, this meeting was far too important. Because, unlike almost everypony here, I knew exactly what she had called us all for. One of the benefits to having a loudmouth steam train for a boss.
“Now, as you all have seen, I have not divulged the reason for this gathering, as the request I must make of you is both difficult and dangerous. Which is why, once I have explained the situation, I will only accept volunteers for this position. I want ponies who, having heard all the facts, are both willing and able to commit themselves to this extreme task.” Celestia didn’t move while addressing us, save to scan the room for signs of distress or discomfort. Some ponies were already looking rather worried.
“As you may all know,” she continued, “Princess Twilight Sparkle has procured her own castle through rather… unique means. It is a rather large and complex structure, and even being the accomplished magician that she and her pupil are, it has proven a rather daunting task. So, she has sent a request to me for aid, in that I would send her some temporary castle staff to assist her while she vets and hires her own employees.” Many eyes went wide at this declaration, and more than a few shuffled their hooves in discomfort. “Those of you wishing to leave may do so now.”
More than half the room filed out. The rest of us condensed into an orderly arrangement. “I see,” Celestia sighed, obviously disappointed. “I cannot say I am surprised. The rest of you, I appreciate your remaining behind. However, there are a few warnings I must issue you. First and foremost, for those of you unaware, Twilight’s Castle sits on the edge of the Everfree forest.” A hoofful of ponies turned tail and skedaddled. Another royal sigh. “Yes, this does not surprise me. The forest is a rather dangerous place, but thankfully, rather contained.”
The Princess began to pace back and forth as she pressed on, “The castle itself has proven to be relatively harmless, though Ponyville is not without its dangers. Many strange events have occurred there over the last several years, including the rise and fall of Nightmare Moon, the return of Discord, the final battle against Tirek, the insurgence of the chaos brambles, a free-roaming Ursa Minor, bugbear, and Cerberus himself. Not to mention the myriad of smaller problems the Elements of Harmony have taken it upon themselves to address.”
With each example the Princess gave, more and more ponies filed out. When she was done, only a dozen or so remained. “You will also most likely be in continuous contact with the Elements themselves, and will be expected to interact with the denizens of Ponyville on a semi-regular basis.” Two more looked at each other, and walked out.
Celestia took a look at the ten remaining souls, myself included, and sighed. “Well, my little ponies, I was rather hoping for a few more, but if you all are willing and able, I appreciate your dedication. You shall all be relocated to Ponyville within the week, with further instructions. Are there any questions?”
One stallion raised his hoof. “Will we be expected to address any of the threats you’ve listed, should they or something like them resurface?”
Celestia shook her head. “No. I have also taken the liberty of addressing the guard, and have a small detachment being sent out to guard the castle until Twilight hires and vets her own guard.”
The stallion in question nodded agreeably, seemingly placated. Nopony else had questions. “Very well,” the Princess concluded. “You shall all receive your instructions by the end of day tomorrow. You are dismissed.” As we all began to file out, Celestia coughed loudly, adding, “Schadenfreude, please stay behind for a moment.”
Dammit.
I turned on my heel and walked back to where I was sitting, waiting patiently. “Schadenfreude, I respect, and even a little bit admire, your dedication, but I am not confident that you are a good fit for this position. I am hesitant to allow you to take this assignment.”
I nodded. “Princess, I don’t ask for much. My life has been rather smooth for me, though not without its hangups, and occasional night in the dungeon. My job was paying well, until you asked me to work here, and it has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I take the addition of new rules in stride, and do my best not to cause any significant legal trouble. Anymore,” I added sheepishly, with a wry smile from Celestia. “I like my job, and I have even made a friend or two in my time here.”
“Yes, I must say I’ve been rather surprised by your integration here. It is not without complaint, of course, but I must say you’ve been staying the course rather well. You’ve even helped Blueblood straighten up. Just a little. However, this does not mean that I believe you are ready for such an important task,” she concluded with a stern look.
Again, I nodded. “I understand your concern. My point, however, isn’t that I believe that I have earned the right to come and go as I please, but more to point out that I have been more than content with my lot in life. In fact, I consider myself a rather happy and amicable pony.” Celestia raised an eyebrow, waiting to see where I was going with this. “So I want you to know that it is a rarity when I ask for something unique. Nay, in fact, I am prepared to beg. On my stomach if necessary. Please. Please Princess Celestia, let me have this. I have never wanted, nor pleaded, for anything so badly in my life. For the love of everything, please.” I ended my undignified display shaking my forehooves together ingratiatingly.
The ruler of Equestria tilted her head with a rather amused expression. “Schaden, I must say I am surprised. You, despite your many annoyances, always seem to have a sense of pride. I would not expect you to prostrate yourself so willingly. You really desire this opportunity so much? You haven’t even called me Sunbutt all day.”
I would have sniffled if I thought it would have worked, but even I know limits when I see them. “Yes, Princess, I really do. More than anything.”
She considered me for a moment, then sighed mightily. “Very well. I will make this exception. Blueblod will be delighted to have the couple of weeks away from you, I’m sure. As well as my waitstaff who deigned to stay behind. You are dismissed, and shall receive your instructions by the end of the day tomorrow.”
I jumped up, smiling like I hadn’t since I was first hired here. “Thank you, Princess Celestia, THANK you!” I declared, and scurried out of the room before she could change her mind. Or, rather, come to her senses.
-----Two days later-----
“Good evening, Sister,” Luna yawned, stepping out of her room. It was late in the day, and the Princess of the moon had just awoken.
“Good evening, Luna,” Celestia responded. She sat at a nearby table, a tray of tea and cakes beside her. Their evening ritual, sharing information about the day and night, in the hour or so they had together amid their opposite sleep schedules.
Luna took her seat and poured herself a cup of tea. “Have the volunteers for Twilight’s staff departed?”
Celestia nodded, in the middle of taking a bite of cake. Chewing politely and swallowing the morsel, she elaborated, “Yes, they all left around noon. I was rather hoping for more volunteers, but they will have to do. They are, of course rather capable ponies.”
“Of course,” Luna acknowledged, sipping her hot beverage. She smiled at the taste. “Tell me, who did you send? Anypony I would know?”
Celestia paused, her own cup an inch or so from her mouth. “Well, yes, actually...” she said meekly.
“Tia… who did you send?”
The Princess of the Sun straightened herself in her chair. “A few of our maids, a member of the kitchen staff, some maintenance crew, and a butler.”
“I see. Which butl- no. No, Tia, tell me you didn’t. Please,” Luna said, rubbing the bridge of her nose in frustration, her eyes scrunched shut.
“Now Luna, I understand your trepidation, but he presented a very compelling argument, and his track record lately has been much better. I was hesitant too, at first, but I am choosing to have faith in him. Besides, even he can’t get into that much trouble. Not with the list hanging over his head,” Celestia reasoned.
Luna opened a single eye. “The list? Celestia, did you make any changes to it?”
“I didn’t feel the need. And besides, the list is only changed with precedent. We can’t just add rules that we think he might break,” the white alicorn reasoned, taking a deep drought of tea.
“Oh, Tia. TIA. You sent him to Ponyville.”
“Your point being?” Another deep sip of tea.
“The list is called ‘Things Schadenfreude is not Allowed to do IN CANTERLOT,” Luna explained.
*PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF* Tea exploded from Celestia’s mouth like the mightiest of volcanoes. “SON OF A BI-”