//------------------------------// // Photoshoot // Story: Nothing Without Me // by chillbook1 //------------------------------// “Yeah, so, I thought you were exaggerating for the sake of anecdote,” said Garrus quietly, clearing his throat nervously. “But, yeah, you were right. This is extremely uncomfortable.” “You think this is bad? At least she’s not coming on to you for a prank,” sighed Raven, wishing with all her heart that she could avert her eyes. Sadly, Celestia would no doubt notice, and no doubt make things even more awkward than they already were. As such, Raven was forced to watch Photo Finish work, posing the princesses of Equestria in increasingly lewd positions. To make matters even worse, there was also an entire company of Solar Guards sent to protect the princesses from any hypothetical threats. The more ponies in the room, watching Luna, Celestia, Cadance, and Twilight get fitted for various bikinis and lingerie, the deeper and more intensely did Raven find herself blushing. “Alright, so, I get Celestia for this shoot,” said Garrus. He made sure that he was looking directly ahead as he spoke, so as to not be accused of fraternizing when he should be guarding his princess. “Personification of beauty and maternity, et cetera. And I get Luna, by proxy. And I even get Princess Cadenza. She’s kinda…” “Don’t say it…” “Kinda MILF-y, I guess.” “You said it anyway…” “My point is… Why Princess Twilight?” Garrus found himself in a curious predicament, where he couldn’t look directly at the thing which he wanted to focus on; The last thing he needed was to be known as the pervy Exchange Guard who was creeping over one of the princesses. “Not that she’s not pretty or anything, but she just seems so… mundane, by comparison. Like, you’ve got a goddess, another goddess, a third goddess, this one literally of beauty and love, and then… What, a foxy librarian?” “Okay, ignoring your almost comically out of date slang with the term ‘foxy’, the answer to that question is simple,” sighed Raven. “She’s your average girl-next-door type. The fixer-upper. Like that nerdy girl in high school that you don’t realize is actually a babe until she ditches the glasses and puts on her dress. While the stupid jocks and rich kids are foaming at the mouth to get their perfect little Radiant Beauty, the girl-next-door has her make-up and dress on, looking drop-dead gorgeous, and all they want is for one damn colt to ask them to prom.” It got quiet for a bit, and Garrus decided to break his gaze at the princesses to look at his friend. Raven seemed mostly fine, save for her twitching jaw. “You wanna talk about it?” he asked. “Nope. Nothing to talk about.” Raven looked about as unconvincing as she sounded. “Jokes on them, though. I've seen Radiant recently, and she got fat. Could've ended up with that okay-looking girl-next-door, with a steady job and a 401k, but nope. Couldn't give her a chance…” “Speaking of psychotic breaks, what are you plans for after work?” asked Garrus. “It's too late to pity-date me, Gary.” “I meant about Dickhead McSlander. You said you had plans for him?” “Technically, he's Dickhead McLibel, and I'm working on it. I haven't had a whole lot of time to do research. I've been busy putting this together.” If Raven was being perfectly honest, she was kind of proud of the event. Though she didn't necessarily agree with the photoshoot, she couldn't deny that it would be successful. Celestia alone would cause the magazine to sell out instantly, and the addition of Luna, Twilight, and Cadance would do nothing but help sell more copies. Furthermore, Raven managed to negotiate the inclusion of a tiny little advert for the fundraiser. If nothing else, this salacious shoot would raise awareness of the event. Now, all Raven had to do was put together a statement denouncing the earlier photos by Preston, and they were golden. On a professional level, the shoot was a success. More personally… Raven wasn't sure how to feel. On one hoof, she felt it flew in the face of what a princess was meant to be. Perhaps Raven was a bit old-fashioned and stuck in her ways, but she didn't feel entirely comfortable with presenting her princesses in this way. It just felt wrong. Raven blamed her mother for getting her mind like that; Harpy Inkwell had beat it into a young Raven’s head that the princesses’ honor was to be defended to the best of one's abilities. To allow her princess to be seen on such a way, in Raven’s eyes, was a testament to her failure as the Royal Advisor. On the other hoof, the “models” seemed to be having a genuinely good time. Celestia, unsurprisingly, was playing the role of attractive super model incredibly well, her posing, posture, and general camera presence nearing perfection. Princess Cadance was also playing her role well, her knowledge of love and attraction being used to generate the exact response she wanted, dangerously toeing the line between wholesomely beautiful and cheek-tinglingly sexy. And, as Raven had explained to Garrus, Twilight brought a plain-Jane, everygirl vibe to the shoot. She was a beautiful mare, if a bit average (compared to the other three alicorns), and she had a certain mystique that the other princesses didn't possess. Twilight Sparkle was a much more down-to-earth mare than the other three princesses, much more real. There were plenty of ponies, especially in Ponyville, who had met Twilight before her ascension to princess. This gave her the advantage of appeal by a perceived sense of intimacy. Though originally a bit timid, she soon warmed to the idea and found herself enjoying it quite a bit. Lastly was Luna, who swore to the Goddess above that she hated every single second of the photoshoot. She refused to smile, which was originally a problem, until Photo Finish had a flash of inspiration. Cadance and Celestia brought confidence, and Twilight brought an adorable shyness, so Luna would have to bring a sort of ferocity. Photo Finish harnessed that apparent anger, that intensity, and channelled it into fierce, impactful shots. Once the obstacle of Luna’s particular disposition was solved, Raven could have sworn she saw the Princess of the Night crack a grin between shots. “You ever think about how weird your job is?” asked Garrus. “Weird in what way?” “Earlier this week, you were putting together a government fundraiser. Today… this. It's an eclectic mix.” “Honestly… I kinda need it like that. Otherwise, this would be the most boring job in the world,” admitted Raven. “I might not like doing this all the time, but at least it isn't boring.” Celestia caught Raven’s gaze and winked seductively, blowing her a kiss. Raven felt her cheeks tinge red, much to her own annoyance. “You know what? I take it back. Boring is better than dealing with her.” “I'm just saying, you people have no taste in women,” said Luna, in her Moon Shine disguise. She poured over the newest issue of Cosmarepolitan, as if that would somehow cause its contents to change, over a beer after work. The magazines had printed, and Luna had been obsessing over the articles and sidebars that it contained. “I mean, seriously? You vote Princess Luna as the least attractive Princess? That's complete bullshit!” “Sorry, Moonie, you lost fair and square,” said Raven, a touch uncomfortable. It was one thing watching Luna and her fellow princesses take scandalous photos, but it was another thing entirely to listen to Luna complain about the results of the “Sexiest Princess” poll in the magazine. It wouldn't be too bad if they were in the castle or some place more secluded, but the fact was that Luna decided to start her tirade when she, Raven, and Garrus were comfortably in their favorite seats at Ne’er-Do-Wells made everything a thousand times more awkward. “I demand a recount,” declared Luna. “I refuse to believe that the Equestrian masses cannot see that I am visually superior to Big Sister! I mean, sure, she's taller than me, and sure, she's thinner than me, and sure, she does have that perfect goddamn smile where you can see every glistening, glittering, shining tooth, and sure, she has that stupid, fat, annoyingly bouncy flank, and—!” “I feel like you're dealing with some stuff outside of the magazine poll,” noted Garrus. Luna simply gave him a blank look. “Need I remind you, Griffon, of the story of Princess Luna?” said Luna flatly. “The story of her jealousy-fueled rebellion and subsequent millenia-long banishment?” “Touche. Also, my name is Garrus. Not Griffon.” “Already forgot. The point is, I'm way hotter than Big Sister! Here, I'll prove it!” Luna scanned the bar for a bit, her eyes eventually falling on a stallion who was making his way to the bar counter. “Hey! You, dude with the beard, c’mere!” The bearded stallion in question made his way over to the table, much to the dismay of Raven. The entire point of going to Ne’er-Do-Wells was to avoid attention, yet here Luna was, calling some over. “Uh… Yeah?” The stallion was, clearly, confused. “What's up?” “Trying to prove a point. What do you think of Princess Luna?” asked Luna. “She's fine, I guess. I mean, I'm still kinda getting used to her being around, I guess. It's been a few years, but it's still kind of strange seeing anypony by Princess Celestia’s side. But, she's nice, and I appreciate—” “Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you think she's hot?” “Uh… What?” “Do you find Luna to be physically attractive?” “I… I suppose? I don't really think of her like that,” said the stallion. “It's weird.” “Yeah, sure, but if there were no consequences and you could have your pick of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna… Who would you pick?” asked Luna. “Pick for what?” “What do you think! A night of rolling in the hay!” “Um… I'm married, so I don't know if I can answer that—” “Oh, just pick one, you pansy!” “Fine! Luna, I guess!” The stallion managed to escape Luna’s questioning before things got too uncomfortable. Luna nodded with contentment, taking a swig of her beer. “See? That guy knows what's what,” said Luna. “You basically forced him,” pointed out Garrus. “That admission was under duress…” “And we didn't come here to talk about your inferiority complex,” said Raven. “We came here to brainstorm plans to get revenge on Preston Pass.” “Who?” “The dickhead who posted those pictures of your sister?” “Oh. You didn't didn't do that yet?” yawned Luna. “You've got options. Just expose his affair and illegitimate son, you'll ruin his reputation.” Raven and Garrus went quiet, which perplexed Luna. “What? Didn't you know?” “No! We asked you, if you dig up anything we could use on him, to tell us immediately! How long have you known about this?!” “Well, I've been watching his dreams ever since I got home from my… vacation to the moon,” said Luna. “As is my job. So, I guess I've known for a year or two? I've tried to tell him to come clean before something like this happened, but he's stubborn. Turns out, he's a dick, so might as well make use of that information.” “Why didn't you tell us?!” demanded Raven. “I forgot, okay? Geez! I watch hundreds of dreams a night, I can't keep them all straight in my head. But, yeah, if you want to ruin his personal life, that'd be the way to do it. If you feel like waiting, I can probably probe for more information.” “I think ruining the dude's marriage might be a bit much,” said Garrus. “If we do that, we're not better than him for putting Princess Celestia’s business out there.” “Hm… True, but… There's something there,” said Raven. “I'll have to look into things a bit, but… thanks for the tip, Moon Shine.” “You're welcome. But, in the meantime…” Luna grinned deviously. “Bone, Marry, Kill, with Celestia, Cadance, and me.” “Moon Shine! I'm not feeding your ego! We've told you, you're perfectly attractive. Don't take that poll so seriously.” “Yeah, yeah, I know, but Bone, Marry, Kill. Griffon! You first!” “I plead the fifth,” said Garrus simply. “Overruled. Play the game or you pay for drinks.” “Bone you, Marry Cadance, Kill Celestia.” “Answer honestly, Griffon,” ordered Luna. “I can tell if you're lying.” “Alright, fine! Bone Cadance, Marry Celestia, Kill you!” admitted Garrus. “But only because you really mentally scarred me with your disguise. Every time I see a mare with any blue or purple to them, I think it’s you playing a prank on me.” It got quiet for a bit, Luna keeping her eyes on the table. She took a swig of her beer, her ears flat against her skull. “I was bluffing…” She murmured. “I just wanted to hear you say it again…” “Son of a… Raven, do something!” “Bone Celestia, Marry Cadance, Kill Luna,” said Raven flatly. Garrus gave her a dirty look, making it abundantly clear that Raven gave the precise wrong answer. “What? These are all terrible options! I can either bang her once, which ruins our relationship forever, marry her, which is a thirty-year long journey of us discovering how much we hate each other, or I can do the merciful thing and kill her now. Which would you prefer?” “Wow,” said Luna. “And I thought I had issues.” “Yeah, that was heavy,” agreed Garrus. “You don't believe in marriage?” “Of course I believe in it, it's an institution that exists in the world.” Raven rolled her eyes. “I just think the odds of it working out are too low and the payoff too circumstantial to justify the amount of effort required. Why would I bother putting myself in a position where getting myself hurt is a matter of ‘when’ not ‘if’? For what? A sense of accomplishment? A concept of unity? I got the same feeling from the Filly Scouts.” “I didn't much care for you, Inkwell,” said Luna. “But you've got your head on straight.” “No! No she doesn't!” said Garrus. “Dude, marriage is a beautiful thing. It's the representation of the purest, most genuine, most powerful love between two ponies. And it's difficult and confusing, but of course it's worth it. It’s the most beautiful thing in life.” The two mares at the table shared a glance, then burst into raucous laughter. “We need to find you that fem-stallion,” chuckled Luna. “That’s for sure,” agreed Raven. Garrus sighed, massaging his temples with his claws. These two friends of his would, undoubtedly, be his undoing. “Ugh. Why do I hang out with you people?”