Written Off

by Sharp Spark


Make Twilight's Butt Great Again

Twilight's butt was good but not great. I mean it had some bounce, some chubbiness, some softness, but it just was all over the place, yaknow?

I mean, think about Fluttershy. That is a phat butt right there, squeezable like charmin, the kinda thing where when she walks through town, everypony in the street gets an all-you-can-see buffet. She's got four anacondas, and they all want some, because she's got buns, hun.

Or Rarity, who doesn't have as much natural ability (if you know what I mean) but she got it together and brought it back to ya. That yoga stuff is keeping it high and tight. Wowzers.

And of course, Applejack what with all the kicking trees and working out and oh my Celestia, one time I bounced a bit off dat ass and I think it landed in Cloudsdale. (Oh and geez, speaking of Celestia, she may be a Princess and not a Queen, but that's one fat-bottomed girl that makes the rockin' sun go round)

Anyways, I'm losing track. See, the problem is Twilight's butt is too wishy-washy, too indecisive. If it worked on any particular area it could really shape up, be something worth writing a rap song about. Instead—

"I'm not reading any more of this," Twilight said. "Ugh. Gah. Blechhhh!" She continued through a whole range of disgusted noises, reprising several she had already unconsciously made whilst working her way through Make Twilight's Butt Great Again.

"See, much better, right?" Rainbow Dash said. "I think I'm onto something here."

"You can't—" Twilight screwed her eyes shut. "Okay, let's start with the minor problems because I think language has not developed far enough to describe the enormity of the larger problems. First, why are you using first person, as the narrator?"

"Well, you told me that I couldn't do second person, remember?"

"Look," Twilight said icily. "This doesn't fix any of the things I identified about the first draft." Twilight shuddered, remembering that experience. "You don't have a narrative arc at all, and I told you to fix that a hundred times."

"Nuh uh," Rainbow Dash said, a wicked grin on her face. "That's not what you said. Not exactly."

"Yes it is," Twilight rummaged through the desk, looking for the paper. It was easy to find, seeing as how the entire page was covered in red ink from corrections. "See? Right… Oh no."

"Oh yes."

"No!"

Rainbow Dash opened her mouth and said—

Twilight set the pages down, unwilling to finish. She let out a huge sigh. "Rainbow Dash, why does your story include me talking about your story?"

"It's meta!" Rainbow Dash said proudly. "People love meta in the Writeoff!"

"No!" Twilight yelled. "They don't! I mean, occasionally something can cleverly use it to accomplish some core story goal or supplement the narrative."

"So you're saying I need it to be more meta? Maybe I should have a line that—"

"Absolutely not! Calling attention to the fact that it's meta isn't in itself even interesting!!"

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "I think someone's just annoyed that Single Caress didn't understand her metaphorical fic about boning Princess Celestia and left a bad review."

"That's not what it was about!!"

"I told you you should have been more straightforward."

"We're talking about your story now," Twilight muttered. "Ugh, though I wish we weren't."

"But hey, I got a great ending line this time!"

"No you don't! That joke is awful and tired!"

"I know, I pointed that out in the meta part, right above."

"THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER THAT JUST MAKES IT WORSE."

Twilight's head thudded down into the desk, as Rainbow Dash grabbed her most recent draft and began reading.

"Make Twilight's Butt Great Again. Let me see… Ah, right here at the end: Needs more plot."