Chapter 9: “It’s not like I was asking her to show me her D!"
“How about that guy?” Runway asks, pointing out a rather tall, well-built stallion with a blue coat and mane.
“Oh, no. That’s Soarin. That would be the ‘gaff’ with no table manners and a pastry fetish Dash was whining about,” I explain, steering her elsewhere.
Runway gives me a weird look. “She doesn’t know what ‘gaff’ means, does she?”
“Apparently not.” My eyes scan the room, eyeballing the stallions. Instead, I find Cloud Kicker, who waves and trots over.
“Hey girls, havin’ fun? I bet you two are all kinds of popular. Twins usually are at these things.” She points a hoof at two exceptionally adorable powder blue mares in the corner, surrounded my other ponies. Cloudy sees me staring. “You like? That’s Flitter and Cloudchaser. Friends of Rainbow Dash’s from Ponyville. They’re quite the hit around here.”
“I’ll bet,” Runway muses, her eyebrows raising. “That’s not what we’re looking for, however. We’re trying to find a stallion.”
CK looks surprised. “A stallion? Really, Dust? I thought you were all gay all the way.”
I feel my eyes take a trip around their sockets. “I am. It’s for this one,” I drawl, jabbing a hoof at my sister, who’s idea of subtly scanning a crowd is holding a hoof over her eyes and staring at guys so intently she doesn’t notice she’s sticking a tongue out. It’s like she’s trying to read fine print from across the room.
Our hostess nods understandingly. “Right. Shopping for the newbie? That’s cool. You know, some ponies just come here to party and relax and actually talk to someone,” she adds, giving me a slightly disapproving glance.
It doesn’t last. I could feel the laughter tickle the back of my throat even before she’d finished talking, and we both fall out, leaning on each other we’re laughing so hard. “Oh-oh my god, you looked so serious!”
“I know!” Cloudy exclaims. “Who comes to a party to talk?! Bahahaha!”
We laugh like idiots for a while, then slowly straighten ourselves. That’s when I notice Runway has wandered off. “Ehehehehe… he… uh, sis?” My eyes scan the crowd for, well, me. Which thankfully, isn’t hard to find. It’s who she’s standing next to that terrifies me. I poke Cloud Kicker in the ribs, and point out my sister, and who she’s talking to. Her eyes widen, and we both rush over to join the conversation.
“Hey, uh, Runway? Whatcha doin?” I ask hesitantly, really not wanting to know the answer.
She smiles innocently at me. Not a good sign. “Oh hey, sis! I was just talking to Princess T… Try… sorry, what’s your name again?”
The purple alicorn, let me repeat, ALICORN looks extremely unamused as she answers, “Twilight Sparkle.”
“Uh, hi, your Highness,” I chuckle nervously. Cloudy looks ready to throw herself out a window. “What, erm, what brings you here?”
She takes a second to compose herself, and explains, “I’m looking for Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. It’s official Friendship Business.”
I try really hard not to laugh. “O-oh… I see. Well, they’re upstairs, um, I see you’ve met my sister?” Why did I phrase it like a question why-hi-hy?!
She glares daggers at a gracefully confused Runway. “Oh yes. We were having a very interesting conversation about… anatomy.”
OH MY GOD. “Oh, um… that’s nice?” Stop making questions out of sentences you moron.
Runway meas proudly, like a five year old learning how crayons work. On the walls. “Yeah, I was just asking Princess Sparkle here about my theory that all alicorns have dicks.”
“WHAT?!” I shriek, unable to stop myself. I recoil, and try again. “I… um, what?”
Twilight looks as unamused as I do absolutely terrified. Oh my god I’m going to the dungeon.
“Yeah, I mean, they get the wings and the horn, right? They’re supposed to be like, a combination of all three races, so why not both genders?” she gestures as she talks, like she’s giving a lecture.
Cloud Kicker has sense barreled past embarrassment to nihilistic resignation. “I absolutely hate how much sense that made to me.”
“Whaaaat?” Runway whines. “It’s not like I was asking her to show me her D! I just wanted to know if I was right!”
I look pleadingly at Twilight. “Please don’t rainbow friendship laser us into oblivion,” I beg.
The Princess grits her teeth. “Believe me, I’m trying really hard not to.”
I grab Runway by the collar, and pull her away. “OkniceseeingyouyourfriendsareupstairstellFluttershyI’msorrythanksfornotbanishingusBYE!” Dragging my whining sister to the other side of the building, I find an empty laundry room to shove her into. “What in the name of Princess Luna’s used underwear are you thinking?! That’s royalty out there, you do not ask them about their naughty bits!”
She dismisses me with a wave of her hoof. “Oh, please. Like she’s gonna stay mad. She’s a Princess, she’s got bigger things to worry about.”
I rub my forehead with a wingtip. “Look, Runway, I love you, but I’m on thin ice with Twilight and her crowd. That conversation five minutes ago with Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, which is the most I’ve been able to talk to them since I got back into the recruit program, is probably a total wash now. Thank Celestia we were both there at the same time, before she thought you were me and you got me fired! AGAIN!”
“Hey, that was only one time!” she yells defensively. I’m about to retort when I hear a cough behind me. Turning around, I notice Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy standing at the door, with Twilight a little off in the distance, still looking unhappy.
“Hey, Dust, just wanted to let you know we were headed out. Um, sorry we couldn’t stay longer,” she apologizes.
Fluttershy looks disappointed. “It was… um, nice meeting you,” she says sheepishly, with a hint of a smile.
I try to smile back. “Yeah, you too. Sorry about… well, everything. She really wasn’t trying to be rude.”
“Totally not,” Runway chimes in.
To my surprise, Rainbow laughs. “What, that? Pffft, that’s nothing. Don’t worry about it!”
“Really? Cause Princess Twilight still looks pretty mad.” I gesture to the grumpy alicorn in the corner.
Rainbow elbows me playfully. “Like I said, don’t worry about it.” Then she smiles, conspiratorially. “That’s the first thing I asked her, too.”