Twilight had horrible dreams. They concerned snakes. Luna was there, and she found it hilarious. Then, finally, Twilight woke up.
“Ohhhh,” she said. “My head…Rainbow, I think I pulled a Rarity. Owch…” Twilight rubbed her flank. “No wonder she has that little couch. Hitting tile hurts.” She looked up at Rainbow Dash, who had not moved in the slightest. “Hey, Rainbow- -”
She tapped Rainbow Dash’s shoulder, and Rainbow Dash collapsed into a pile of blue tissue paper. Twilight screamed. Only when she ran out of air did she hear the sound of horse laughter.
“BWAH HA HA HA!”
“Rainbow!”
“You should have seen the look on your face!” cried Rainbow Dash. Literally- -she was crying from laughing. “You were all like ‘oh, look it’s Rainbow Dash- -oop, no it isn’t!’”
“Where did you even get that?!”
“Vinyl made me like twenty of them. I setup ten in my house to keep me company, and I think I’ll use the rest for pranks. Then we cleaned out Octavia’s fridge. Those little Scootaloo wings are AMAZING.”
“Wait, Scootaloo wings? But there’s not any meat on them.”
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “It’s just what they’re called, Sparkle.”
“Why would you call- -nevermind.” She sat up, and looked toward the sky. To her immense surprise, the sun had moved a great distance. She turned sharply to Rainbow Dash. “Rainbow! What time is it?!”
Rainbow Dash checked her watch. “About five.”
“FIVE?!” Twilight jumped up. “Please tell me you caught Derpy!”
“And how in the name of your own beard was I supposed to do that?!”
“I do not have a beard!”
“Besides, we still have over an hour! It’s not my fault I couldn’t get you to wake up! I tried everything! I threw water on you, threw you into water, poked you with a stick- -”
“THAT’S why my flank hurts!”
“Um, no. Vinyl did that. But dang, Twilight, if you and I were having a nap competition…” Rainbow Dash paused, then thought to herself. “Nap competition…that’s not a bad idea…”
“Focus, Rainbow.” Twilight stood up. “We have to find her!”
“Okay.”
They stared at each other for a moment. “Okay? What do you mean ‘okay’?!”
“What do you mean what do I mean ‘okay’? I mean ‘okay’!”
“And you’re not going to give me any suggestion on how exactly to do that?”
“How should I know how to find her? My cutie mark is in being awesome, not in amphibian hunting!”
“Reptile!”
“You’re the egghead! You’re supposed to know!”
“I don’t perform well under pressure!” shouted Twilight. She paused, panting. “If we can’t find her in an hour, and I can’t change her back- -she’ll be a lizard forever! I’ll- -I’ll have to tell her daughters. And her husband, and- -”
“She’s not married.”
Twilight looked up. “What?”
“You said husband. Derpy’s not married.”
“But she has two children.”
“Um, yeah. You know that single motherhood is a thing, right?”
Twilight’s face scrunched. “Yes.”
“Besides. Don’t worry about it. We’re going to find her.”
“How? It’s not like she’s going to come to us riding on the back of a winged horse!”
At that very moment, Fluttershy stumbled around the corner into the damp alley where the pair were standing. They looked at her, and at the derped herp on her head.
Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened. “Celestia’s vanilla scented BUTT,” she swore, turning to Twilight. “Twilight, did you do that?”
“I- -I don’t think so!”
“But you just said it- -and then- -” She turned back to Fluttershy. “How the- -holy Luna fluff, that’s WEIRD!”
They both looked up at Fluttershy, but it was immediately apparent that she was not well. Her already pastel tone had gone from yellow to a horrible sickly color, also yellow. Her eyes were bloodshot, and her face flushed with fever. She did not seem to be able to stand straight, and was wobbling heavily. Her mane was messy, and only partly because it contained a large lizard.
“Fluttershy, you shouldn’t be out,” said Twilight. “What with the hoof-in-mouth. I think you still have a fever- -”
“I do not have swamp fever!” cried Fluttershy, the volume of her voice causing both Rainbow Dash and Twilight to jump back. “Who told you that? I’m not that kind of pony! I don’t- -oh- -go to swamps…”
“Fluttershy,” said Rainbow Dash. “I think she’s right. You need to get into bed.”
“And you can shut you’re pie hole, Twilight Sparkle!” said Fluttershy, pointing at Rainbow Dash and nearly tipping over. “Or…um…GUYlight Sparkle! Yeah!”
“I’m not a stallion,” said Twilight.
“Yeah,” agreed Rainbow Dash. “I’ve checked.”
“I said it because…you look manly. Like a manly….man face!”
“Fluttershy, how much cough medicine have you had?”
“Well, the pharmacist was so nice, she gave me extra, and I didn’t want to waste it, so…a lot.” She pointed angrily at Twilight. “What did you just say to me?!”
“I…didn’t.”
“Don’t you lie to me Rarity! I’ve seen how you were eyeing those Dalmatian puppies! If you even think about it, I’ll…I’ll…”
“Flutters,” said Rainbow Dash, approaching her carefully, “you’re sick. And acting hilarious. But you need to go home.”
Fluttershy slapped Rainbow Dash in the face. Being Fluttershy, though, the force was roughly equivalent to the loving caress of a cotton ball.
“Now you’re trying to put me in a home?” she cried. “What, do I embarrass you? I do! You’re embarrassed by old Flutter Butter. Because I’m fat!”
“You’re not fat,” said Twilight.
“Yes I am,” said Fluttershy, crying. “I’m a fatty Mcgee! Fattershy!”
“Buttershy,” suggested Rainbow Dash. She was promptly slapped again. “Ow!” she said, rubbing her face. “That one kind of smarted…hmm. So this is how Scootaloo feels all the time.”
“And not only did both of you come here to call me fat!” said Fluttershy, angry again, “but a little birdie told me that you were terrifying this poor herptile!” She pointed to her head, where Derpy was.
“Well, yes,” said Twilight, “we need to catch her- -”
“You MONSTER!” cried Fluttershy. “Do you think that just because she has scales and a three-chambered heart that she doesn’t have RIGHTS?! That you can just chase her around, frightening her left and right? How would you like it if I chased YOU?”
“Well,” said Twilight, stopping to consider that idea. The thought of getting chased by Fluttershy made her wings feel strange and tingly. “If you were wearing- -”
“You wouldn’t like it!” asserted Fluttershy. “How DARE you! How DARE YOU! Dare you! Dare…” She turned to Rainbow Dash and feverishly wobbled. “Rainbow, what was I talking about?”
“You were about to make out with Twilight.”
“Eew, no!” cried Twilight. “She has hoof-and-mouth! And I only like her as a friend!”
“You don’t like me!” wailed Fluttershy. She was sad for a moment before going back to anger. “And you don’t like LIZARDS!”
“No, I don’t like snakes- -”
“So you admit you’re prejudiced!”
“N- -no! They’re just so slippery, and they don’t have legs, and their all squiggly- -”
“You’re about to be squiggly in a second! I won’t let you hurt animals!”
“She’s not even an animal!” snapped Twilight.
“So now you think herptiles aren’t even animals?” Fluttershy stepped forward aggressively.
“Oh!” laughed Rainbow Dash. “Fluttershy is about to slap a filly!”
“Rainbow, stop encouraging her!”
“Yeah! Because you’re next! And I thought I could trust you! I thought you understood me! After that time when we got back from cider day…and you put that frilly saddle on me…and then we- -”
“Twilight Sparkle hates lizards!” cried Rainbow Dash in a panic.
“I KNEW IT!” squealed Fluttershy, turning back to Twilight. “So you admit it!”
“No I don’t!” exclaimed Twilight. “I just want to take that lizard, and bring her back to my lab- -”
“I’ll bring my lab! To your FACE!”
There was a sound of nails clicking on the cobblestones, and a large brown dog jumped onto Twilight, knocking her back. “ACK!” she cried as the chocolate lab began to lick her face. “Get it off! I’m allergic!”
“It’s no use!” said Fluttershy, wobbling again. “This is what you get for trying to hurt animals in Buttershy’s town!” Fluttershy suddenly yawned. “Wow,” she said. “I feel so sleepy. Being assertive is so…tiring…”
She then collapsed, falling onto a pile of trash. Derpy was knocked free, and fell against the wall. She clung to it, and then scampered vertically up and over the roof of the house next to the ally.
“No!” cried Twilight. “Rainbow Dash, get her!”
“I’m on it!”
Rainbow Dash shot off after the lizard, and Twilight levitated the dog off her. She pointed to Fluttershy. “You make sure she gets home safely, okay?”
The dog looked at her, and then nodded. Twilight then spread her long, beautiful wings and flew upward- -striking the walls on either side of the ally several times before eventually sailing backward in the correct direction. The chocolate lab watched her go, wondering what he was actually supposed to do.
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