//------------------------------//
// Chapter 5: In a House 
// Story: Herp Derp 
// by Unwhole Hole 
//------------------------------//

When Twilight threw open the door, she found the inside of the domicile to be in a state of utter chaos. Furniture was strewn about, as were the various sundry objects of pony life.

            “Wow,” said Rainbow Dash. “It looks like a tornado hit here. And I would know. I once accidentally let one slip at work last week.”

            “Wait, that was you- -”

            There was another scream, and both Twilight teleported to its origin. Rainbow Dash and her arrived at the same time into the kitchen to find that the source of the screaming was none other than Lyra heartstrings. She was wearing a translucent nightie and frilly bottoms, and apparently clinging to the top of a set of curtains that were slowly starting to rip.

            “NOOOO!” she wailed. “It’s going to get me! Get it away, GET IT AWAY!”

            The curtain ripped suddenly and Lyra screamed. Bon Bon, who was below, was trying to help but doing a poor job.

            “Lyra, calm down,” she said.

            “YOU CALM DOWN! Don’t you tell me to calm down, Bon Bon! I didn’t tell you to calm down when the store was out of vanilla sprinkles!” The curtains ripped again and Lyra fell completely to the floor with a thud and the sort of sickening soft sound of fifty pounds of pony landing against tile.

            “What’s going on here?!” cried Twilight.

            Bon Bon looked at her, and then pointed to the table in the center of the room. It was the only thing that was not covered in debris or detritus. Instead, it was covered in a tablecloth- -and on that tablecloth sat a gray lizard, repeatedly extending and retracting its tongue to lick a muffin that had been left out on a small saucer, tasting it.

            “It’s a monster!” cried Lyra, standing up in a dazed state. “MONSTER! So gross, SO GROSS! Don’t let it get me!”

            She shrieked again, pulling herself up and into a kitchen cabinet. She then pulled open a drawer with her magic and began to toss various utensils at the lizard on the table. Since she had already expended the entire supply of forks- -they were imbedded in nearly every wall- -she instead was forced to rely on spoons.

            “Wait!” cried Twilight. “Don’t!”

            It was too late, but Twilight’s protest was also inconsequential. Poor Lyra was so panicked that she could not aim straight. All of her projectiles sailed over Derpy- -and toward Rainbow Dash.

            “GAH!” cried Rainbow Dash, dodging the spoons with extreme speed and precision.

            “Lyra!” snapped Bon Bon, angrily. “Stop trying to spoon Rainbow Dash! We talked about this!”

            “But it’s so GROSS!” cried Lyra, tears pouring from her eyes. “It’s WORSE than a parasprite! Get it! GET IT!”

            The cabinet then broke, listing forward and spilling Lyra onto the floor. Bon Bon sighed. “Great,” she said. “And there goes the cabinet.” She turned to Twilight and Rainbow Dash. “Eh! You two! Are you going to do something about this or what?”

            “Probably not,” admitted Rainbow Dash. “This is hilarious.”

            “I’ll handle it,” said Twilight. She reached out with her magic and levitated Derpy off the table. The lizard was relatively limp, but as soon as it was lifted it turned to Twilight- -and then flipped over, sliding out of her magic and onto the floor.

            “Twilight!” cried Rainbow Dash, “what did you DO?!”

            “I don’t know! She’s really slippery!”

            “Slippery?” cried Lyra. “SLIPPERY? EW EW EW EWWW EEWWWWWW!”

            “You’re not helping!” snapped Bon Bon.

            Derpy looked up at them, and then started running across the floor- -directly toward Lyra. Lyra froze in panic.

            “Grab her!” cried Twilight.

            Lyra glared at her and extended her hooves. “With WHAT?”

            Derpy suddenly stopped. The whole room became silent and still as they watched in suspense. Derpy overall did nothing- -and then yawned, revealing her strangely sharp teeth. Lyra began to tremble, and Rainbow Dash tilted her head. A pipe must have broken somewhere, because she heard water dripping onto the floor.

            “Great,” said Bon Bon, also hearing it. “Now I’m going to have a mold problem.”

            “Now just stay calm,” said Twilight, stepping forward. “I am at least thirty percent sure she isn’t venomous right now.”

            “V…venomous!” cried Lyra. She then screamed so loud that the other ponies had to cover their ears.

            “You’re not helping!” shouted Bon Bon.

            “Just let me do it!” yelled Rainbow Dash, exasperated.

            “No, wait!”

            It was too late. Rainbow Dash leapt forward, but before she could even reach Derpy Lyra jumped up from the floor and onto her back.

            “Oh- -Lyra- -stop! My wings!”

            “Venomous lizard! VENOMOUS LIZARD!”

            “She’s- -and- -AMPHIBIAN!”

            “I’m too young to die!” wept Lyra. “Oh, Celestia’s butt, save me! I- -I never had foals! I never got my master’s degree! I never saw the last season of My Little Human!”

            “Lyra, get off that Pegasus or I will GET YOU OFF!” cried Bon Bon, stamping her hoof.

            “NOOOOO!” Lyra lifted her head back and fired a beam at the lizard. It missed, and instead struck Twilight in the chest, sending her backward through a wall.

            “My drywall!” cried Bon Bon.

            “My wings!” cried Rainbow Dash.

            “My organs!” cried Twilight.

            “Li- -iz- -ERD!” cried Lyra.

            Derpy said nothing, as she was a lizard. She did seem confused, though, and looked up at Lyra.

            “Eww eeww eeww!” cried Lyra, picking up Derpy with her magic.

            Everypony paused.

            “You got her!” said Twilight, sitting up from the rubble of Bon Bon’s wall.

            Lyra then promptly threw Derpy out the window.

            “NO!” cried Rainbow Dash and Rainbow Dash.

            “Ah,” said Lyra, climbing off of Rainbow Dash. “I feel so much better! That was a close one!”

            “We were trying to catch that- -that liz- -um,” Twilight paused, “what are you two wearing?”

            Lyra and Bon Bon looked down at themselves. Lyra was of course wearing her nightie, but with the commotion over it was clear that Bon Bon was wearing ribbons. Only ribbons. With big bows. “Why are you dressed like that.”

            Rainbow Dash turned red and put her hoof on her face. “Twilight…”

            Bon Bon and Lyra’s faces scrunched. “We were…playing dress up?” suggested Bon Bon.

            Twilight looked at them suspiciously, and both of them began to sweat. Then suddenly she smiled. “Oh! I love dress up! Can I play too sometime?”

            Lyra’s eyes widened and she almost seemed to drool. “YES.”

            Bon Bon elbowed her hard. “We talked about that too,” she growled.

            “We don’t have time for that now,” said Rainbow Dash, pulling herself up and sticking her head out the window. “We need to catch that amphibian!”

            “She’s a reptile,” said Twilight, tipping Rainbow Dash out the window entirely with her magic. “It’s ours, after all.”

            “Wait, that was YOUR- -”

            Twilight leapt out the window after Rainbow Dash, leaving Lyra and Bon Bon alone in their ruined house. Bon Bon and Lyra looked at the window for a long time, and then Bon Bon slowly began to glare at Lyra.

            “Lyra…”

            Lyra hung her head, and started to walk off. “I know, I know,” she sighed. “I made a mess. Again. I’ll go put on the maid outfit now and get to work…”   �2lsm]UWs��