//------------------------------//
// Chapter 3: The Basement 
// Story: Herp Derp 
// by Unwhole Hole 
//------------------------------//

The castle, apparently, had a basement. This was something new to Rainbow Dash.

            “How did I not know about this?” she asked.

            “Why would you know about my basement?” asked Twilight. “That’s just ridiculous!”

            “But, like, your castle is a tree, right? So that would make this…”

            “The root cellar.”

            Rainbow Dash groaned. “No, Twilight. Just no.”

            “What? It’s where I keep my beer!”

            “Beer?” Rainbow Dash was suddenly intrigued.

            “Yes.” Twilight gestured to several racks similar to the type that were usually used to hold wine. “My ROOT beer.”

            “Am I going to have to slap you?”

            “That depends.”

            “On what?”

            “On WHERE.”

            Rainbow Dash shivered.

            “Um,” said Derpy, “do I need to be here for this? I kind of, you know, have children. Who are alone right now.”

            Rainbow Dash and Twilight turned to Derpy, who was strapped down onto an uncomfortable metal bed. Due to the number of straps and how tight Twilight had insisted on making them, Derpy was entirely unable to move any part of her body.

            “They’ll be fine,” said Twilight dismissively.

            “I don’t know,” said Rainbow Dash, “they are HER children.”

            “They are?” said Derpy, her eyes widening. “I never knew! But it all makes so much sense now!” She gasped. “Do their fathers know about this? Should we tell them?”

            Twilight frowned. “Have you ever eaten paint chips of any kind?”

            “Oh yes!” said Derpy. “Why, do you have any? They don’t taste so bad!”

            “Hmm,” said Twilight, flipping a page in her notes. “Well, that means we’ll have to turn up the radiation dose.”

            “Wait, radiation?” said Rainbow Dash.

            “Of course. Nothing science-y every happens without radiation. By the way, don’t try to have children after this. Not unless you want to end up like Princess Cadence.” They all shuddered.

            “Wait,” said Rainbow Dash as Twilight went to the various machines and vats of bubbling fluid (that may or may not have been root beer) that filled the room. “I thought you said we were doing spelling, not science.”

            “Magic. Not spelling. And you know what they say.”

            “No. I don’t. I seriously don’t. I don’t even know why I’m here. And the fact that we have a mare strapped down on a table makes me feel uncomfortable.”

            “They say that science is just extremely advanced magic. You are here to help hold her down. And it is not uncomfortable at all. I’ve tried it.”

            “You have?”

            “Of course! Starlight straps me down at least twice a week.”

            “Why?”

            Twilight groaned. “I already covered this, Dash. To make magic.”

            “Ze magics!” said Derpy excitedly, mimicking Photo Finish. She then looked confused. “Wait…so you are here to take pictures of me? I don’t know how I feel about that. I didn’t even brush my mane. Because I have no hands to hold the brush.”

            “If we’re taking pictures of her, I’m leaving,” said Rainbow Dash. “That’s just too weird.”

            Twilight turned around. She was holding a long probe that sparked loudly at the end. “There is nothing ‘weird’ about this. I assure you, this is completely normal. And legal. After all, I write the laws here.”

            “What about the Manga Carta?” asked Derpy.

            “Ah, yes,” groaned Twilight. “Well, you know what happened to Sombra when he tried to introduce it.” She shrugged, and then lifted the probe.

            “Where are you going to put that?” asked Rainbow Dash.

            Twilight grinned. “In the hole.”

            She then shoved the probe into the hole- -which was part of one of the various machines that surrounded her. It hummed to life, and Twilight pulled down a large item on a metallic arm. It rather closely resembled the x-ray machine that a dentist would use, except larger.

            “Are you going to check my teeth?” asked Derpy. “I brush every day!” She suddenly sighed. “No. I lied. I don’t. Because I swallowed my last three toothbrushes and the doctor says that if I do it one more time- -”

            “No, no no,” said Twilight. “I’m not that kind of doctor.”

            “Wait,” said Rainbow Dash, “you’re a doctor?”

            “Um, yeah?” said Twilight. Rainbow Dash could not tell if she was lying. “What do you think Celestia’s school was? I have a PhD.”

            “Really?” said Derpy. “So do I!”

            Rainbow Dash and Twilight turned to her. “You do?”

            “Two, actually.”

            They stared at each other for a moment, and then decided to ignore Derpy. “Right,” said Twilight. “This beam contains a powerful reactor that will generate a magical field to be collimated through a rune-inscribed crystal. I will then be able to modulate the field to produce various effects in the target.”

            “Really,” said Rainbow Dash, caring very little but feeling oddly nervous. “What sort of effects?”

            “That depends.”

            “On what?”

            “On if my next grant comes from the Equestria Medical Association or the military.”

            “No. I mean what is it going to do NOW.” Rainbow Dash looked at Derpy, who was definitely looking at something. Perhaps even several somethings. “I mean, I don’t want to hurt her. She’s a bit of a ditz, but she’s still our friend. And I think she’s cute.”

            “Aw, Dash!” said Derpy. “I think you’re cute too! Let’s get ice cream when this is done! Twilight can come too! I know a place that makes muffin-flavored ice cream, and ice-cream flavored muffins, and muffin flavored muffins- -”

            Twilight inserted a gag into her mouth. “And there we go. Now, Rainbow, if you could get the crystal, I’ll prepare the incantation tape.”

            “Right,” said Rainbow Dash. Twilight pointed her to the far end of the room, and she flew there, landing in front of a large gem-cutting apparatus. She was not exactly having the best time, but this was hardly the worst. Twilight was her friend, after all, and she liked spending time with her even if she was a bit of an egghead. After all, Twilight had gone with her to a number of sporting events and athletic activities that she clearly was not the biggest fan of. Just being with her was enough.

            Rainbow Dash looked at the machine, somewhat confused. She had no idea what she was looking at. There was not just one gem, either. There was a large one in the center covered by a clasp, with the various rather aggressive aspects of the machines facing it, but it looked very well ingrained. Rainbow Dash assumed that it was just part of the device, like the way cloud factories were mostly made of clouds.

            There were other smaller gems around the edge of the machine. Rainbow Dash picked one of those up. They seemed correct. She then returned to the machine.

            “I got the gem,” she said.

            “Good. Plug it in,” said Twilight, looking through a book and feeding tickertape into a reel. “I’ll be there in a second.”

            Rainbow Dash looked up at the machine and sighed. Sometimes Twilight forgot that it was difficult for non-unicorns to do manual tasks that involved any sort of dexterity. That was, after all, why unicorns were the overloads of all pony kind save only for alicorns.

            So Rainbow Dash just shoved the crystal in the front of the machine. “Good enough,” she said, shrugging.

            “Right,” said Twilight, attaching the real to a machine and levitating a book over to the device. She gave Rainbow Dash some goggles. “Put these on.”

            “Why?”

            “Have you ever seen what happens if you put a grape in the microwave?”

            “No.”

            “Exactly. Neither have I. And I don’t want to. So put on the goggles.” She pulled down the machine. “And thank Celestia’s butt we’re not stallions.”

            Twilight began flipping switches and turning knobs of various types, and Rainbow Dash quickly put on the goggles. Everything suddenly appeared dark and rose-tinted, making the world seem quite pleasant.

            Then Twilight began, and the pleasantness began to fade.

            “Why do I feel so tingly?” said Rainbow Dash.

            “No reason. Just the radiation. Don’t worry, that’s normal.”

            “If I ghoulify, I’m going to slap you.”

            “I said don’t worry! That’s only happened, like, twice when I’ve tried this.”

            “Wait, twice- -”

            “FIRE!”

            The room suddenly erupted with light, and Rainbow Dash was thrown backward. Twilight looked confused and then screamed as she too was thrown back. The machine exploded, and the beam shot forward, striking Derpy in the chest.

            Rainbow Dash was knocked into partial unconsciousness, and when she came too, she felt terrible.

            “Ugh,” she said. “Why am I always the one getting injured?”

            She stood up and took off her goggles. The room was in shambles, and Twilight was lying on her back, smoldering just slightly. She smelled like cooking grapes.

            “Twilight!” cried Rainbow Dash, rushing to her friend’s side. “Are you okay?”

            “I think so,” said Twilight. “Alicorns are immortal, after all. It still hurts though.” She sat up and groaned. “Ow.” She sniffed. “What smells like cooking grapes?”

            Rainbow Dash pointed at Twilgiht’s singed wings.

            “What- -oh, Luna’s German-shepherd hips! My wings! That’s going to take FOREVER to preen!” Twilight immediately started chewing on one of her wings. “Hmm. Grapy.”

            Rainbow Dash diverted her eyes. “Um, Twilight, you remember how we talked about doing that in front of other ponies?”

            “Oh,” said Twilight, releasing her wing. “Sorry.” She stood up with some difficulty. “But what went wrong? I performed the spell correctly…”

            “It exploded.”

            Twilight looked to Rainbow Dash, clearly not amused. “No. You don’t say.”

            Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I call ‘em like I see ‘em.”

            Twilight picked up the machine and turned it over. She removed the tiny bluish crystal, and her eyes widened.

            “Rainbow,” she said, slowly, “what is this?”

            “The crystal.”

            “THIS IS NOT THE CRYSTAL!” cried Twilight. “This is- -I don’t even know what this is!” She licked it and grimaced. “Rock candy?”

            “But I got it from where you told me to- -”

            “Yes, the BIG one! You know, the one INSIDE the machine!”

            “Oh…”

            “I had Pinkie Pie carve it especially for this purpose.”

            “Pinkie Pie?”

            “She’s an expert in rock processing.”

            “And at eating rock candy.”

            Twilight gasped and looked at the crystal. “PINKIE!” she cried. Both her and Rainbow Dash looked around, thinking that she might actually appear at the sound of her own name, just like Celestia’s butt.

            “Well,” said Twilight after Pinkie did not, in fact, appeared, “at least we’re both okay.”

            “Yeah.”

            They both suddenly stopped and looked at each other. “But what about Derpy?”

            They turned to the table, and saw that the gray Pegasus mare was gone. In her place was something else entirely. Staring back up at them with a pair of yellow eyes- -or staring at something with a pair yellow eyes, or a pair of somethings- -was a large gray lizard.

            Rainbow Dash and Twilight stared, and the lizard stared back. Its forked tongue flicked out at one point, tasting the air, and the derped eyes rolled in its head as it looked around.

            Rainbow Dash and Twilight screamed. “I turned her into a lizard!” wailed Twilight.

            “How did that even happen?!”

            “I don’t know, I don’t know!”

            “Change her back, change her back!”

            “Hold on! I have to find a spell!” Twilight raced to the edge of the room, pulling down book after book. “I don’t- -this shouldn’t- -how did- -”

            “Twilight, breathe!”

            “I’m too stressed to breathe! YOU BREATHE!”

            “YOU FIRST!”

            “YELLING!”

            “YELLING!”

            They both suddenly ran out of air, and then started panting heavily. Twilight put her head into her hooves. “I turned a mother of two into a reptile!” she wept.

            “Amphibian,” said Rainbow Dash.

            Twilight looked up. “What?”

            “I said I think you turned a mother of two into an amphibian.”

            “You don’t even know the difference!”

            “Of course I do! I’ve known Fluttershy since I was four years old! We even made out once!”

            “Wait, what- -”

            “You did NOT hear that,” said Rainbow Dash, her face scrunching. “I just- -I panicked. It’s completely normal.”

            “I didn’t say it wasn’t- -”

            “NORMAL!”

            “Okay okay! We have bigger problems, though.” Twilight pointed toward the table. “We have to get her turned back into a pony before…before…”

            “Before she gets away?”

            They both looked at the table. The derping herptile it had contained had departed.  The table was now quite empty.   +��Z$"�oVs|D�