Waking Nightmares: Remix Heart

by KnightMysterio

Chapter 1: Meet the Mercenaries

All characters copyrighted to their original owners. If you like my work, please support me on Patreon or with a one-time Paypal donation!

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A field...
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Miss Pauling paced back and forth, kicking aside the tattered remains of her shoes, which had been shredded by her new dragon claws. She looked herself over again. She was still wearing her purple blouse and skirt, although it had been changed to fit her new body frame. She was shorter, and now sported large, powerful wings and a long tail ending in spikes, an opening in her blouse leaving room for her wings. She still had her glasses, although they were now perched on a lizardlike muzzle, her skin a slightly lighter purple than her dress. Instead of hair, her head sported almost-bladed spines, one of which curled slightly over her forehead.

She looked over the mercenaries. All of them had become some form of equine creature, most of them colored varying shades of blue. Their weapons and equipment were scattered around them.

Scout had become some sort of insectoid pony, a light, almost sky blue shade. His clothing, loose fitting sport pants and a t-shirt, still fit him, having been resized to his body, but he had ditched his shoes and socks. His chest seemed to have three dark blue crystals in them, his red eyes insect-like in nature. He also sported buglike wings and an odd tail which looked like another wing. His hat was pulled down slightly over his head, the brim resting on a small horn. He fidgeted back and forth as he looked at Miss Pauling, waiting for her to decide what to do.

Soldier, for his part, stood at perfect attention. His boots, Soldier the only one still wearing any kind of footwear, were still awkwardly on his feet (hooves?), although like everyone else's clothing, his shirt and pants had been resized, his helmet still positioned low on his head. From what she could see of his mane, she could tell it was close shaven in a military cut, as was his tail. He was a bright solid blue.

Pyro... was struggling with their outfit. Apparently, it hadn't resized properly and now they were struggling to get out of it. Engineer, who had become a sea blue unicorn and was still wearing his overalls, short, goggles, and hardhat, was trying to help Pyro get their mask off.

Demoman had become the darkest shade of blue, and was a normal horse-thing like Soldier. He was still wearing his flak vest, shirt, and pants, as well as his cap and eyepatch. His tail and mane were close cropped with grenades on his chest, same as Soldier. He was grumpily glaring at his broken bottle of scrumpy, which had shattered on impact.

Heavy was the largest of all of them, lacking a mane but still with a strong chin and stubble, his tail actually kept long. He wore his uniform pants and shirt, with his kevlar vest and bandolier of bullets. A hoof was protectively placed over his massive minigun.

Medic, like Engineer, was a unicorn, and the only one not blue. He was a ghostly white, his glasses balanced on his muzzle. His labcoat and work pants were still on, and his blue rubber gloves now covered his hooves. An amused smile was on his face as he looked everyone over.

Sniper, for his part, was the only pegasus. He has wings that seemed too small for his body, holes in his vest and shirt for it. His shades were still on his head, and his had was still perched on his head. He was fidgeting, clearly nervous. He kept trying to pick up his sniper rifle, but he couldn't make his hooves do it.

Spy, like Scout, had become an insect-like horse. His skin was a darker shade of blue, his insectoid eyes green, as were the crystals on his chest. His suit was modified to allow his wings and tail to hang loose, and he was clearly displeased about it. “Ten-thousand dollar customed-tailored Louis Crabbemarché suit, and now it has holes in the back...” he muttered.

“Is that REALLY your priority right now, Spy?” Sniper snapped. “We're stuck in an alien world in alien bodies! We don't know what's going on!”

Spy sneered at his fellow assassin. “I paid a lot of money for this suit. Of course I'm going to be upset when someone alters it without my permission,” he said. “Aside from that, how is panicking going to help anything?”

“Show SOME emotion then, ye bleedin' wanker!” Sniper said, unconsciously fluttering his wings. “We're all bleedin' showponies now! And you and the Scout are some kinda bug!”

“Yeah, about that. I'm not really likin' the implications of me and Creep Suzette here bein' the same species, so if we could just not focus on that point? At all? Ever?” Scout said.

Spy briefly looked sad, and then sighed. “On that, we are in agreement.”

“Baby Sniper will stop panicking,” Heavy said.

“I say we do panic,” Demoman muttered. “Whatever brought us here made me SOBER and I'm out of me bloody booze...”

Medic looked interested. “Interesting... I actually cannot recall a time when you were sober,” he said.

“You're gonna get a lot of experience with it now that I cannae pick up a bottle...” Demoman grumbled.

There was a popping sound nearby, and Engineer rolled into the group, Pyro's mask in his teeth. He spat it out, smilng.

“Okay, you should be fine now,” he said.

“Thanks, Engie!” said a raspy voice. Everyone blinked, and looked to Pyro.

Pyro, a unicorn now, was currently wriggling out of their pants and boots, leaving only their shirt and gloves, which the transition had modified to fit their forehooves. Their muzzle was shorter and a bit rounder than the others, and their mane was a bright, fiery red. Their felt at their horn for a moment, frowning.

Engineer blushed. “Oh my word, darlin.' Y'done turned cute!” he said. “All your scars are gone, too!”

Pyro blinked. “Really?” they said.

Engineer nodded, motioning to the reflective surface of the mask's lenses. Pyro leaned into them and squinted. Once they saw what they looked like in the reflective lenses, they grinned. “I am a cuddly horsey! PYROLAND LIVES IN ME!!” They giggled, rolling around happily.

“Well, at least the firebug is happy,” Scout muttered.

Spy frowned. “Engineer called her darling... are they...?”

“Oh ya,” Medic said, casually nodding as he lay down in the grass. “Engineer and Pyro have been boyfriend und girlfriend for quite some time now.”

“...GIRL!?” the mercs said, shocked.

“...You didn't know?” Medic asked, genuinely surprised.

“We thought Pyro was like... some sorta zombie robot or something!!” Scout said.

“My vote was space alien,” Demoman said.

“It was a stupid vote,” Sniper said, pacing back and forth. “Aliens...”

“Are real,” Miss Pauling interrupted. “The Administrator and I have been tracking the movements of an alien vessel for weeks that's been heading towards the Earth. Depending on how long we're here, we may miss first contact entirely.”

Everyone stared at Miss Pauling, Sniper's jaw dropping in horrified shock.

“Ooh, pretty colors,” Pyro said. Her horn was glowing, and a trio of fiery butterflies were spinning around her head. Medic and Engineer glanced up at their own horns, fascinated. Everyone else just looked alarmed.

Spy looked dismayed. “And now she can create fire with her brain. Wonderful,” he muttered.

“Oh! Fine! Great!” Sniper said, flapping his wings convulsively. He was struggling to maintain his composure. “Merasmus murders all our pets and sends us to another world, we all end up turned into space aliens, we don't have HANDS to hold our weapons anymore, AND NOW PYRO CAN SET US ON FIRE JUST BY THINKING ABOUT IT!”

“...I would never do that,” Pyro said, looking a little sad. “I like you guys. You're my friends. We burn things together.”

The comment surprised the others, however Sniper was in too much of a panic to care.

“We are in SO much bloody trouble!” the Australian marksman said.

“Stop panicking,” Spy said disdainfully.

“You're bringing down the morale of the unit, soldier!” Soldier barked. “Man up!”

“PANICKING IS THE ONLY LOGICAL THING TO DO HERE!” Sniper almost roared. Spy and Miss Pauling winced, looking around worriedly, while the others seemed more amused by it. Sniper, so terrified was he, didn't realize that his flapping had taken him off the ground. “We are lost in a world of MAGIC, we have NO RESPAWN, we CAN'T HOLD OUR WEAPONS, and we DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET BACK!!”

“And now you're flying,” Engineer said.

“AND NOW I'M,” Sniper trailed off, blinking, as he realized he was in the air, feeling new muscles flexing. “I... huh...” As he calmed down, he realized he could feel the air with his wings, as if they were his fingertips. “Flying.”

Engineer smiled. “Why don't you fly up high and recon the area for us?” he suggested patiently.

“Yeah...” Sniper said, nodding. “I can do that... Yeah...” He flapped his wings again, swooping into the air, heading high up into the sky.

“Good thinking, Engie,” Miss Pauling said, watching Sniper as he began to look around.

Engineer smiled. “Working on something always helps me calm down,” he said.

Scout fluttered his own wings, curious. Spy, however, just sneered disdainfully at Sniper. “Oy'm Snoipah,” he said in a parody of Sniper's accent. “Oy'mma professional. Oy throw jars of piss at people and cry like a little boiby when magic does stuff Oy'm not prepared for.”

Everyone laughed except Engineer, who gave Spy a disapproving look, Miss Pauling, who was focused on Sniper, and Pyro, who had gotten bored and created more fire butterflies.

Medic looked thoughtfully up at Sniper. “It's really fascinating, though,” he said. “His wings should be far too small to lift his body.”

“Maybe magic's common in all species?” Engineer suggested.

“Possibly,” Medic said. “Perhaps the wings are the focus for pegasi, while the horns are for unicorns like us.”

“What of Soldier, Demoman and I?” Heavy asked. “We do not have wings or horns.”

“Maybe your hooves?” Medic suggested. “Either that or your magic is passive... Hm... I'd love to get a few experimental subjects...”

“Please don't torture the locals until they're used to us, Medic,” Miss Pauling pleaded.

“And that still doesn't tell us what me and Spy are,” Scout, scowling. “I don't like being a bug.”

“Why? You were already a bug brain,” Soldier said, grinning, Demoman cackling as both of them ignored Scout's scowl.

“You've been a terrible influence on him,” Spy said with a smirk.

“Thank ye, lad,” Demoman said, grinning shamelessly.

Meanwhile, Sniper was watching the area around them, amazed with how good his vision had become. He could see farther than he ever could as a human, and with far more detail.

“Strewth...” he said softly, amazed with how good being in the air felt. Was it his new body's instincts?

Later, he thought, focusing on the mission. He scanned the horizon, spotting a village nearby. Other pegasi were flitting about, and to Sniper's amazement, some of them were sitting on clouds and moving them around.

Can I do that? Sniper thought. He looked around, spotting a cloud just above him. Hesitantly, he flew up to it and gingerly pressed a hoof on it. To his surprise, it felt soft, but otherwise solid. He gulped, standing completely on the cloud and closing his wings.

He didn't fall through. “Heh...” Sniper said, relaxing a little. “Okay. This is kinda nice.” He smiled at how comfortable the cloud was, and went back to looking around.

He saw in the distance a house made entirely of clouds, rainbow waterfalls streaming from it and vanishing after a time. Something else weird about this place... he thought. He looked over the village, examining the large, gaudy crystal castle on the outskirts of the town.

“A local lord?” Sniper said, thinking aloud. He focused his attention on the town, stroking his chin with his hoof. The town consisted of several of each of the three types of ponies he and his friends had become, as well as some of the bug ponies as well. There was a single zebra with a shop in the center of town, and although he couldn't be sure, he thought he spotted a couple donkeys as well.

“Hm... So equines are the dominant forms of life here, I guess... Although we also got dragons, too...” He sighed wearily. He looked... and frowned.

Approaching the group was a gray pegasus with a blonde mane and tail, a mail satchel around her barrel and one golden eye looking in the wrong direction.

“Bloody hell...” Sniper muttered. He looked back at his wings and sighed. He flapped them, focusing on remembering the feel of flying... and felt himself rising off of the cloud again. “Gettin' the hang of this...” he said. He swooped down to join the others, who seemed to be in mid argument.

“We have incoming,” Sniper said.

“Who?” Spy asked, scowling.

“Gray pegasus. Female, if having a muzzle-shape similar to Pyro's is any indication,” he said. “Looks to be a mail carrier. Got one eye that's goofy.”

Spy sighed. “All right,” he said. “I'll...”

“Soldier,” Miss Pauling said.

“Sir!” Soldier said, snapping to attention and saluting, hitting himself in the face with his hoof. “Ow.”

“Kill the incoming pegasus,” Miss Pauling ordered definitively.

“Sir yes sir!” Soldier said, saluting again. “Ow.” The helmeted pony ran off into the nearby woods, expression stern.

Spy glared at her. “That was not smart,” he said.

“We can't risk discovery,” Miss Pauling said, her eyes narrowing. “We kill her before she spots us, hide the body and let the creatures of the forest take care of it.” Scout shifted uncomfortably. He liked Miss Pauling, but her ruthless side always bothered him.

Heavy shook his head, his eyes narrowing. “Miss Pauling is good at hiding evidence. Miss Pauling is good at being sneaky. Miss Pauling is not good at tactics,” he rumbled.

Miss Pauling frowned. “I don't understand,” she said.

Engineer sighed. “Sniper, what did you see up there?” he asked.

“A small town not too far from here,” Sniper said. “Some electricity, but still not very advanced. Mostly horsefolk like us, some bug ponies, a zebra and a couple donkeys. A big, gaudy-looking crystal castle that looks like it was grown from a tree.”

Engineer nodded. “You made two mistakes, Miss Pauling. The first one was not taking the terrain into account. A small town means that most folks will be familiar with the faces of their mail carriers. People will miss her if she's dead, where Spy could have just charmed her into leaving.”

Miss Pauling frowned, the dragoness folding her arms. She hated to admit it, but he was right. “What was my second mistake?”

“You sent Soldier to do the deed,” Spy said simply.

Miss Pauling blinked. “Wait... I've seen Soldier snap dozens of necks. Why would this be any different?”

“Because it's Soldier,” Demoman said. “I love the man like a brother but, well...” He chuckled sardonically.

Then, as if on cue...

“HELLO AGAIN!” Soldier said, reappearing in the group and startling everyone.

“Hello for the first time!” the golden-maned mailcarrier said as she literally popped up next to Soldier, startling everyone once more.

Miss Pauling glared at Soldier, the earth pony remaining oblivious. “Soldier, I told you to do one simple thing. Why didn't you do it?”

“She bribed me with muffins,” Soldier said. The other mercenaries chuckled.

Miss Pauling just facepalmed, silently wishing she had her desk to slam her face into.

“It's nice to meet you all,” the mailcarrier said. “My name is Dulcinea Muffins! But everyone in town calls me Derpy. You can too if you want!”

Spy's eye twitched. “I absolutely refuse. That's an insulting nickname,” he said.

Derpy shrugged. “It doesn't bother me anymore, and nopony really means it in meanness anymore,” she said, pulling a basket of muffins out of her mailbag. “Muffin?”

“Tasty muffins! Yum yum yum!” Pyro said, barging up to Derpy. Derpy grinned, handing the excitable unicorn a chocolate chip muffin. After some fumbling, Pyro managed to keep hold of the muffin and started to eat it. “Mmmm, so good!” she said.

Derpy beamed. “I made them myself.”

“Thank you, my dear,” Spy said. “But we are operating under a rather understandable limitation.”

Derpy blinked. “Is it allergies? 'Cause I can get the Cakes to make you some different muffins if you want.”

“No,” Miss Pauling said, her mind racing to come up with a cover story. “You see, we...”

“We're human,” Demoman said. “We got sent here by a wizard. We don't know how to work our bodies right now, or even hold things.” He ignored the glare Miss Pauling flashed him.

“Oh...” Derpy said. “Oh! Like the world Sunset Shimmer is from!”

The mercenaries traded looks, surprised. “You're familiar with humans?” Engineer asked.

“Not personally,” Derpy said. “But a friend of Princess Twilight Sparkle named Sunset Shimmer actually lives in the human world! If you want, you can go through the portal to that world to get back home, if you want.”

The mercenaries all brightened. “Well, that's one problem solved,” Scout said. \

Derpy smiled warmly. “And for the hoof-holding thing, I can show you how to do that. And I can show your pegasus how to move clouds and control the weather, too. You'll need unicorns and changelings to teach your unicorns and changeling shape-shifter magic, but I'm sure we can find somepony to help, Mister... I just realized, I never got your names. Is it okay if I ask.”

Spy looked very interested in the mention of shapeshifting magic. Miss Pauling started to speak again, having had more time to prepare a cover story. Then Demoman decided to tell the truth again.

“We're mercenaries. Hired killers working for a pair of idiots named Blutarch and Redmond Mann. Well, specifically Blutarch Mann for us. Twin brothers who hate each other and refuse to die, so they get us to fight clones of ourselves constantly for control of various areas of absolutely no value whatsoever,” Demoman said. “Our group is officially called Team Fortress. We have other names, but mostly we go by our job titles. I'm Demoman, this here's me mate Soldier.”

Soldier saluted, hitting himself in the face again. “SIR! Ow.” Derpy giggled.

Demoman continued. “The fancily-dressed bug is Spy. The wimpy-looking runt bug is Scout.”

“Drop dead, booze horse,” Scout muttered.

Spy chuckled. “A pleasure to meet you, Miss Muffins,” he said.

“Charmed,” Derpy said, grinning and blushing a little. Even with the mask, Spy was quite handsome.

“I am Heavy Weapons Guy,” Heavy rumbled, patting his minigun. “And this is my weapon. She is Sasha.”

“Oooh, fancy,” Derpy said, reaching out to examine the massive weapon.

“Do not touch Sasha,” Heavy rumbled without malice, Derpy withdrawing her hoof.

“Sorry,” she said, grinning weakly.

“Do not mind Heavy, fraulein,” Medic said, stepping forward. “He is simply protective of his equipment. Anyway, as my garb would suggest, my name is Medic. Anything you here about me from these schweinhunds is probably true.”

“Um... I have no idea how to respond to that,” Derpy said, Medic cackling.

Sniper rolled his eyes. “Don't mind the doc, sheila,” he said. “He's our resident mad scientist and loves every minute of it.”

“I object to the term 'mad,' though,” Medic said. “I'm really quite a happy person.”

“I like happy people,” Derpy said, smiling.

“Just don't let this one get you alone, or he'll install a third lung,” Sniper said. “I'm serious, don't be alone near him when he's around medical equipment.”

“Um...” Derpy said.

“Anyway,” Sniper said, continuing before Derpy could think about it. “I'm Sniper. Long-range spotter and marksman for the team. Over there we got Engineer and Pyro.”

“Pleased to meet you, ma'am,” Engineer said in his charming southern drawl, tipping his hardhat to her.

Pyro stuck her face in Derpy's. Derpy blinked, confused. “...Hi?”

Pyro sniffed her. “You smell like muffins. I like you,” she said, hugging Derpy. The mailcarrier giggled.

Neither of them noticed the rest of the team sighing in relief, glad Pyro didn't set her on fire.

Derpy tuned to Miss Pauling, who was staring at Demoman with her jaw opened. “And who's this?”

“This is Miss Pauling,” Demoman said. “She works for the supervillain who actually controls the two brothers. She specializes in covering up evidence and eliminating witnesses. She's a nice lass but probably more evil than all of us put together.”

Soldier nodded in agreement.

“Hey hey...” Scout said, putting a foreleg around Miss Pauling's shoulders, making her flinch. “That's...”

“...actually a pretty fair assessment of my character,” Miss Pauling conceded, moving Scout's foreleg from her shoulders.

“I don't think you're evil,” Scout said, smiling warmly.

“Well, you're in love with me, so you're biased,” Miss Pauling said. “But, damn it Demoman, why'd you just tell her everything? We could have come up with a cover!”

“Ma'am,” Engineer said, “we don't know the culture, we don't know the local customs, we don't know the history, we don't even know how to hold things. ANY cover story we came up with would fall apart faster than the time RED Pyro destroyed Teufort that one time.”

“I still have nightmares about that,” Sniper said, shuddering.

Miss Pauling rubbed her temples. “Still, from what Sniper said in his recon report, this seems like a small town. They're not about to be accepting of a bunch of paid killers and an evil minion. WHICH, by the way, I am not ashamed of, thank you very much.”

“We have a reformed leader of a cult that tried to suppress individuality by stealing cutie marks living in town. She also tried to destroy time itself one time, and now she's one of Princess Twilight Sparkle's personal aides,” Derpy said, smiling.

The mercenaries and Miss Pauling all stared at her.

“Also,” Derpy continued, “a god of chaos and mayhem occasionally visits to have tea. He's nice. He likes my eyes. Oh, and the changelings? They used to be a parasitic race that stole love from others to feed on before they reformed and learned how to feel love themselves.”

Again, more staring.

“I could go on, honestly,” Derpy said. “Ponyville's an... interesting place.”

Scout pulled his cap down over his head. “Criminy, the names here.”

“Okay, so... one concern alleviated,” Miss Pauling said. “Compared to a god of chaos and a cult leader that wanted to... um... what are cutie marks?”

Derpy smiled, gesturing to the bubbles on her flanks. “They're a sign of what your special talent is! Most ponies find work related to it, but it's not a limiting thing at all. I'm a mail carrier, but my special talent is cheering others up by being bubbly and happy.” She blinked. “It might also be for the fact that I can make EPIC bubble sculpture. Most marks are generally open to interpretation.”

“Interesting!” Medic said, grinning. “And how does one acquire them?”

“They appear automatically when you realize what your special talent is in life!” Derpy said. “Some get them earlier than others.” She pointed to Pyro. “She has one. And I'm betting that the other ponies in your group do as well.”

Everyone looked, noticing for the first time the stylized flame on Pyro's flank. Pyro tried to get a close look, but ended up falling over, giggling.

“Changelings and donkeys don't get them,” Derpy continued, “but zebras do. Theirs just look more like stylized stripes. Ponies and zebras really are the only ones who get them.”

Heavy, Soldier, Demoman, Engineer, Medic, and Sniper began wondering if they had marks and what they looked like. Time enough for that later, though.

“Miss Muffins,” Spy said. “You promised to show us how to hold things?”

“OH! Yeah, sure!” Derpy said. She then proceeded to explain how to pick up things with hooves. “It's a trick of using the frog, the soft part of your hoof,” she said, demonstrating and showing them how to pick up and carry their weapons.

“Hnh...” Spy said as he holstered his revolver. “This reduces us to melee for a while. Because everything else has a trigger guard, only Sasha and Medic's needlegun and medigun can be used.”

“I can set up a sentry and dispenser,” Engineer said, trying to sound helpful. “But... Oh, we don't have any way to replenish my metal supplies...”

“Guys, I think I can still use my flamethrower,” Pyro said, holding the trigger end with her back hooves as she looked down the barrel. She managed to wedge a hoof in, only to accidentally trigger it, shooting a long burst of flame into her face.

Aside from a little soot, she was unharmed. “NOPE! Nevermind!” she said, giggling.

Derpy gaped for a long moment, and then giggled. “She's weird. I like her,” she said.

“Pyro, you ARE a flamethrower now! Why do you even need that!?” Scout said.

Pyro grinned happily. “OOH! That's right!”

Sniper growled. “Thank you for reminding the dangerous psychotic that she can now ignite people with her brain,” he muttered.

Scout grimaced, realizing his mistake. Miss Pauling rolled her eyes. “Engineer, can you control her?” she asked.

Engineer nodded, pulling Pyro aside to talk with the pyromantic unicorn. Miss Pauling took Pyro nodding to everything the technician said as a good sign. Soldier tried to step forward to speak, but tripped over his boots, falling facefirst into the dirt.

“Soldier, take your damn boots off,” Scout said, glaring. “You're looking like even more of a dumbass than usual.”

“A TRUE SOLDIER NEVER ABANDONS HIS BOOTS IN THE FIELD!” Soldier bellowed, standing up and glaring at Scout.

“SOLDIER!!” Miss Pauling barked in her best drill sergeant voice. Soldier immediately saluted, smacking himself in the face again. Miss Pauling continued. “This unit is on an extended training exercise! You will discard your boots immediately, as they are not necessary for this mission! ARE WE CLEAR!?”

“SIR YES SIR!” Soldier said, immediately yanking his boots off and tossing them over the horizon. “Boots discarded, sir!”

Derpy giggled. “He's kinda dumb,” she said.

“Aye,” Demoman said. “But he's me best mate, so no bad talk about him, lass.”

“I didn't mean any offense. I think he's kinda cute. Plus it helps that he's such a stud,” Derpy said, blushing brightly.

Demoman looked at Derpy, and hmmed thoughtfully, a grin crossing the eyepatched earth pony's face.

Miss Pauling sighed. “Can we please go into town now?”

Derpy nodded. “Sure, we can... Oh, wait...” she said.

“What's wrong?” Spy asked.

Derpy grimaced. “I... I don't know if Princess Twilight will be able to help you right away,” she said.

“Why not?” Heavy rumbled.

“There's a big trial going on Ponyville,” Derpy said. “They captured the former leader of the changelings, Queen Chrysalis. They're going to hold her trial in Ponyville, and there's going to be a lot of world leaders coming.”

Engineer grimaced. “Ooh. Bad timing on our part,” he said.

“On the wizard's, you mean,” Demoman grumbled. “Damned Merasmus.”

“Extra security,” Scout said.

Everyone looked at him.

Scout shrugged. “We offer to help as extra security,” he said. “Big trial, big criminal, world leaders showing up... We ain't proven, but for an event like this I'd want every gun I could get.”

“...That makes sense,” Heavy said.

Miss Pauling nodded. “A good idea. Surprisingly,” she said. “We offer to help, everything goes good, that gets us in the good graces of the local royalty, which will make them more willing to help.”

Behind Scout's back, Spy smiled proudly.

Derpy smiled. “That should work, I think!” she said. “C'mon, let's go!”

Everyone holstered their weapons, and prepared to move out. As they got ready to leave, though, a growling came from the forest. Derpy's ears dropped, and her wings puffed up fearfully. “Oh no...”

“What is wrong?” Heavy rumbled, standing up and pulling out his minigun, revving it.

“A TIMBER WOLF!” Derpy shouted. “RUN!” She bolted, leaving behind the others.

“...Just little wolf?” Sniper said, drawing his kukri. “We can handle that.”

The trees near the empty field rustled. Heavy turned, aiming his minigun. Hesitantly, Medic pulled out his medigun and trained it on Heavy, building up his ubercharge.

A long, tense moment passed, Sniper reflexively taking to the air. He narrowed his eyes, focusing into the forest... and paled. “Um... lads?”

With a fierce roar, a gigantic wolf made of wood burst through, its ragged jaws dripping tree sap as it glared at the mercenaries with baleful, hate-filled eyes.

“Oh... Timber wolf,” Scout said, backing away slowly, the other mercenaries doing the same. “Heh... Pun...”

“Pyro?” Engineer said.

“On it,” Pyro said, her horn flaring. The Timber Wolf's wooden body ignited, becoming covered in flames.

It roared again, with more ferocity.

“Oh good, now it's angry and on fire,” Spy said, backing away as well. “I HATE YOU SO MUCH.” Pyro didn't notice Spy's curse, too enraptured by the cloud of flames the timber wolf had become.

Heavy cut loose with his minigun, bullets raining down on the creature. Its face was chipped away, but it wasn't being incapacitated by it at all. Now even Soldier was starting to look nervous.

“Gentlemen,” Miss Pauling, gulping, “I believe that Derpy had the right idea.”

“Pretty colors...” Pyro said, staring blissfully at the fiery creature.

“Time to go, darlin'!” Engineer said, grabbing Pyro and tugging her along. Everyone began running for town, screaming in terror. It didn't occur to them until too late that leading the fiery wooden monster towards an inhabited area wasn't the best idea.

Thankfully, though...

“MOVE IT!” boomed a loud, deep female voice. “Put that thing out!”

A sudden downpour gushed down from the sky, drenching the mercenaries and the creature. In addition, a cloud of mud suddenly gushed from the ground, smothering the flames of the wolf. It roared again, even more furious than before.

Before any of the mercenaries could react, a MASSIVE pegasus, so big she dwarfed even Heavy, slammed down in front of them. Her wings were massive, her body construction equipment yellow. She wore thick armor and a helmet that covered most of her face.

The creature roared at her. The pegasus roared right back, her voice so powerful that it created visible sonic ripples in the air. The timber wolf backed off, covering its ears. When it turned to glare at the pegasus again, she was glaring right back. So powerful was her gaze that the mercenaries, who were directly behind her, could feel the force of it.

Cowed, afraid, the timber wolf backed off, heading into the forest.

Miss Pauling sighed in relief. “Thank you,” she said. “I don't know what we could have done if you hadn't...”

The elephant-sized pegasus turned, turning her powerful gaze on them.

Miss Pauling squeaked in fright, backing away. The mercenaries all clustered around each other, wary of the pegasus.

The pegasus grunted. “I'm Barricade,” she said, she thundered. “Captain of Princess Twilight Sparkle's Friendship Guard. But you better believe that I'm not feeling friendly in the slightest bit right now. Somepony want to explain to me what in blazes just happened!?”