Moving Day

by Timothy48

Chapter 11 (Paperwork is Fun!)

The clock on the dining room wall read half past nine at night, and Allen was tired. Even with all the help from Red Tape, Blueblood, and the self-writing quill, it had taken them most of the day to get through the stack of paper that Red Tape had brought with him. Even though Red Tape had said that the Equestrian civil service did the best it could to minimize the pain of dealing with paperwork, that didn’t mean that there was no pain, just that there was not as much as there could be. In Allen’s case, it was still a lot, though he repressed a shiver of dread at the thought of having to deal with the amount of paperwork that he’d just gone through in the way he was used to dealing with paperwork back in the U.S.

I’d kill myself before the end of the first hour.

Casting aside those thoughts, he idly shuffled some of the pamphlets and booklets that Red Tape had left for him on the table. Each one provided greater detail on what was expected of Allen as a soon-to-be citizen of Equestria. Casually picking one up at random, he was greeted by the sight of a trio of smiling ponies, one of each tribe, their hooves held out wide in greeting. The title, a cheery pink and blue ribbon of color across the top asked, So you want to be an Equestrian? Allen gave a humorless snort. “Not really, but it’s not like I have much of a choice in the matter at present,” he said as he tossed it back onto the cluttered table.

Leaning back in his chair, he scrubbed his tired face with a hand before getting up and going to the sink for some water. As he let his cup fill up, he thought back on what he had learned in the process of getting his citizenship papers in order. He’d actually been surprised when Red Tape had asked him to provide his human world information, such as his birth certificate, social security number, educational background, criminal record, and on and on and on. By the time they’d finished, Allen had felt as though he’d run a marathon from the amount of running he’d done around his house looking for the needed paperwork, and his brain felt like a pool of melted goo from how hard he had been thinking that day, trying to recall to the best of his ability information he hadn’t had available at the house.

One of those pieces of information was in regards to how much money he’d had before being brought here. Taking a sip of water from his glass, he gazed out the window at the darkening skies and thought back to that moment.

“Why do you want to know about my finances?”  asked Allen, confused at Red Tape’s sudden question. “Anything having to do with them is on Earth, and I have no way to access them here, so they’re useless to me.”

Red Tape took a sip of water, which Allen had helpfully provided earlier in their meeting. “There are several reasons, Mr. Ross. The first being, since you are applying for citizenship with us, we need to do a background check regarding your financial assets for tax purposes and such.” He held up a hoof to forestall Allen’s reply. “Now, I know that currently there is no way for you to access your financial assets right now, and you might not have complete records of them, but anything you can give us would be welcome.”

When Red Tape paused to take another drink of water, Allen interjected, “Okay, but what’s to prevent me from lying to you about, well… anything? I mean, I could have been making everything up as we’ve been going along.”

Red Tape set his glass back down and fixed Allen with a serious look. “Mr. Ross, if you had been lying to me, I would know. These,” he pointed to his glasses, “are not just for helping me see better, they are also enchanted to detect when someone is not being fully honest with me. Now granted, the enchantment isn’t perfect, but it’s good enough. Besides,” he gave Allen a confident smile, “I’ve been a civil servant for a long time, Mr. Ross. I can tell when somebody is trying to be sneaky, even if they are not a pony.”

Allen licked his suddenly dry lips. “I-I see, well, okay, I was just curious is all.”

Red Tape chuckled and waved a hoof in dismissal. “Hehe, of course, of course.” His smile faded and a more neutral look took its place. “In any case, let’s move on, shall we?”

Allen simply nodded.

“Very good. Now, while the first reason is not as applicable to you in this regard, we would still like to have as much information about you as we can get. This will help us when we move on the second reason we need this information.”

“And what reason is that?” asked Allen.

“So that we can reimburse you for those lost assets,” replied Blueblood.

“Reimburse me?” asked Allen, confused. “Why would you guys do that?”

Blueblood sighed. “Because you were negatively impacted by Discord’s escape and since the Equestrian government is partially responsible for said escape, then it behooves us to at least provide some form of compensation to ease your suffering. Hence why we need your financial information: if we have that, then it will be a simple matter of opening up a savings account for you at a bank of your choosing and transferring the funds to you.”

Allen felt himself slump down in his chair slightly from surprise at Blueblood’s explanation. When he looked over at Red Tape and saw the stallion nod in confirmation, he just didn’t know what to think. After all, what kind of government willingly gives out money to people it hurt, especially if it was indirectly, at the drop of a hat like this? Licking his dry lips, Allen asked, “So let me get this straight here: you guys are going to just give me money, just like that? No strings attached?”

Blueblood nodded, though he had an odd look on his face as if he was wondering why Allen was so disbelieving at the thought. “Of course, it is only proper. While the Equestrian government didn’t intentionally free Discord from his prison to go on a chaotic rampage, he still did, and because of his actions, you were, for all intents and purposes, turned into an interdimensional refugee. Therefore, it is only right that you receive some form of compensation in regards to your suffering. Besides, both princesses have ordered it so anyways, so even if the rest of the government was against the idea, you would still receive compensation, either because the princesses demanded it or they provided you the funds from their own pockets.”

“That’s... very generous of you guys… I’m not sure what to say honestly, other than thank you,” replied Allen gratefully.

Blueblood returned Allen’s thanks with a warm smile. “You are welcome, Mr. Ross, it is the least we can do.”

“Though I do believe that you are entitled to additional assistance beyond compensation for lost assets,” interjected Red Tape. When Allen gave him an inquiring look, he continued, “As His Grace said, you were harmed due to Discord’s actions and made a refugee. Therefore, you are currently classified as one. Though,” he waved a hoof to indicate the pile of papers in front of him, “after we get through this, you’ll be well on your way to citizenship here in Equestria. However, due to the nature of your arrival here, both Princess Celestia and Luna have decided to grant you tax exemption status for this tax year to give you time to both become acquainted with our tax laws and secure a steady income.”

Allen was so surprised that he nearly fell out of his seat.

Seeing Allen’s stunned look, Red Tape chuckled. “Yes, I know, it seems too good to be true. However, Princess Celestia, and to a lesser extent Princess Luna, are very concerned with maintaining a good public image, especially in the face of something like Discord getting free. That has created no small amount of work for us as we try to reassure both the citizenry and the international community. Moreover, since you were directly impacted by Discord’s… shenanigans, they felt that it was necessary to provide you with these benefits as a way to show both you and others that we do care and are willing to take responsibility to make things as right as possible.”

Allen sat there, blinking as his mind processed what Red Tape had told him. After a few moments, he cocked his head to a side. “So what you’re saying is that I’m some kind of PR stunt?”

Red Tape waggled a hoof side to side. “Sort of. Don’t get me wrong, the princesses do care about your situation and want to do everything they can to make your stay more comfortable while you are here.”

“I’m sensing a ‘but’ in there somewhere.”

Red Tape shrugged. “But they also have to make sure that Equestria as a whole is safe, both from foreign powers who may take Discord’s release as a sign that we are weak or use it as a way to gain concessions out of us at the diplomatic table, as well as to protect us from the more… ambitious elements within.”

“What do you mean, ‘ambitious elements within’?”

Blueblood quickly interjected, “Nevermind about that, Mr. Ross, you don’t need to worry about that sort of thing.”

Glancing over at Blueblood with a searching eye for a moment, Allen decided to let it go. “If you say so.” Turning his attention back to Red Tape, he asked a final question, “So is there anything else, or was that it?”

“That was it, as far as financial matters are concerned. When the time comes we’ll send somepony to go over the finer details with you and get you set up with a bank account and such.”

Allen nodded. “Alright, sounds good.”

After that, Allen’s quill had signed the various papers that Red Tape had placed in front of him. It had been an interesting experience for Allen, with both Red Tape and Blueblood helping him to get his affairs in order, for which he was eternally grateful. As such, the majority of his time with the prince and bureaucrat passed without issue, though there had been a hiccup or two along the way.

Turning away from the kitchen sink, Allen walked back to the table, and setting his glass of water down, he scanned the table until he found what he was looking for. It was a colorful pamphlet with three ponies in armor lined up in profile on its front, the heading, in big bold letters proclaiming, Join your local guard today! Allen stared at it for several moments before reaching out and lifting it off the table; he’d already looked through it earlier, but for some reason, he felt compelled to do it again. Opening it up, he read through the information contained within again. It was all the standard info that could be found in a recruitment pamphlet, such as details about benefits, pay rates, how it would help you become a better person, how you could become a hero, etc. Allen shook his head as he set the pamphlet back down and thought about what he was going to do going forward.

The reason he had the pamphlet and was in this situation, was because Red Tape had asked him during their discussion if he possessed any weapons or armor in his home, which of course he did, - after all, what self-respecting farmer wouldn’t? –, though he was presently unable to get at: as his dad had hidden the gun safe’s key somewhere where he couldn’t find it. However, whether he could access the guns wasn’t the point, the point was that he had them in the first place, and as such, Allen had felt that honesty was the best policy, in this case, so he’d nodded his head.

The conversation that had followed had been… interesting.

Red Tape hummed thoughtfully to himself as he used his magic to sort through several papers that he had pulled from his seemingly bottomless briefcase. After a moment of this awkward silence, he gave a slight nod. “Very well.” Turning his attention back to the paper in front of him, he began to write. “I will need a list of all weapons in your possession, as well as any magical artifacts or armor, magical or otherwise, that you may also possess.”

Allen crossed his arms over his chest, an unhappy, almost combative, look on his face. “Why do you want to know that?” he asked flatly.

Red Tape glanced up from his papers for a moment before giving Blueblood a look that said would you take this, please? before then returning to his work.

Blueblood simply nodded, and turning to face Allen, he said, “I am not sure what your world’s laws are concerning the possession of armaments, Mr. Ross, but in Equestria, ownership of a weapon or magical artifact used for battle is generally restricted.”

“Restricted in what way?” asked Allen warily.

Blueblood sighed. “Broadly speaking, only those affiliated with the government such as police or military personnel are allowed ownership of weapons, though there are exceptions that are granted, such as settlers living in or near dangerous areas such as the Badlands to the south, or adventurers who travel to said areas, but those types of dispensations are uncommon, as few ponies have the need for a weapon in the first place.”

“So if you don’t let ponies own weapons generally, how do they defend themselves if they are attacked?” asked Allen.

Blueblood’s response was to light up his horn. “Well, unicorns can use their magic to help keep themselves safe, as there are many different types of defensive spells available for use by the general public that does not require a permit to use.” He let his magic fade from his horn as he continued speaking. “Pegasi are often able to fly away from danger, much like birds do, though there are some that will use their ability to fly as a means of attacking those that threaten them. In addition, pegasi can use the weather as a weapon in extreme circumstances. Finally, earth ponies can either run from danger thanks to their enhanced endurance or use their natural strength to pummel it into submission,” he finished with a shrug.

Allen meanwhile, sat chewing his lower lip as he digested this new information. Finally, he said softly, “But I don’t have any of those abilities. Is it really fair to place me at a disadvantage like this when I never asked to come here in the first place?”

Both Red Tape and Blueblood looked at each other for a moment, as if hoping the other would have an answer to Allen’s question. Finally, Red Tape sighed and replied, “No, Mr. Ross, it would not be fair to put you in that position. Even though – and of course I realize my own bias is showing a little here – Equestria is one of the safest places in the world in terms of things such as natural disasters, crime, and conflict, I do see your point. I take it that you come from a world that is less… friendly in nature?”

Allen laughed, and for some reason that neither pony could determine, a chill ran down their spines at the harsh sound of it. After a few moments, Allen’s laughter faded to mere chuckles, and as he wiped a stray tear from the corner of his eye, he replied, “That, Mr. Tape is the understatement of the century. If it wasn’t for the fact that humans breed like rabbits, our species would have probably died out by now. But I digress,” he finished, waving a hand as if to close the matter.

Clearing his throat awkwardly, Red Tape fiddled with his glasses for a moment. “I… I see. In any case, Mr. Ross, seeing as how you do not seem to be willing to relinquish your weapons,” Allen’s amused snort gave him pause for a moment, “then we have two options available to us.”

“And those are?” asked Allen, as he leaned forward and placed his elbows on the table while steepling his fingers in front of his mouth, as if he were a corporate CEO waiting to hear a subordinate’s sales pitch for a pet project of theirs.

“Well, of course, the first solution would be to grant you a special dispensation, though that would require more paperwork, and a special hearing in front of one of the upper members of the nobility, and slash or the princesses. This usually depends on the size of the requesting group and their justification for wanting the weapons. In our case, His Grace’s presence should be sufficient in that regard, so we won’t need to travel to Canterlot and schedule a hearing.”

“Thank God for small favors then,” cut in Allen, a tinge of humor coloring his voice.

Clearing his throat, Red Tape resumed speaking, “Yes, well, the second option, and probably easiest, from our standpoint anyways,” he pointed a hoof at Blueblood and himself, “would be to have you join the local guard unit here in Ponyville. You would then be considered an employee of the Crown and as such, would be allowed to keep your weapons. This also has the added benefit of granting you a small stipend each month and gives you the opportunity to become better acquainted with your neighbors. There are also the educational opportunities – even if, considering the small size of Ponyville, they would not be as good as those found in larger cities, but still, I believe that this would be the best solution to our problem!” he finished, a happy smile on his face.

“Except it isn’t,” Allen shot back. When he saw Red Tape’s happy expression melt away to confused disappointment, he explained, “While on the surface joining the guard would seem like a good idea, and one where everybody wins, the way I see it, it’s only a win for you, not me.”

“I don’t understand,” said Red Tape, unhappy at the rejection.

Allen sighed. “Alright then, I guess I’ll just spell it out then. I do not want to be drafted into military service. It’s bad enough that I got pulled here to your country against my will, it’s another thing entirely for you to coerce me into joining your military!”

Red Tape opened his mouth to reply, but a raised hoof and look from Blueblood silenced him. Turning his attention to Allen, Blueblood asked softly, “Mr. Ross, in your world, did you have an equivalent of a local guard force?”

Allen shrugged. “Probably, if I assume we are talking about the same thing. My country had a National Guard that was split up by states rather than towns, and they would often times get sent overseas to fight, and I don’t want that.”

Blueblood nodded, understanding growing in his mind. “I think I see the problem, then.” Turning himself to fully face Allen, he said, “Mr. Ross, I feel as though there has been a miscommunication here, and for that I am sorry. Both Mr. Red Tape,” he glanced at the aforementioned stallion for a split second out of the corner of his eye, “and I only want to help you adjust to living in Equestria with as little trouble as possible. While it is certainly possible for us to grant you a special dispensation allowing you to keep and use your armaments as necessary for your defense without you having to join the local guard, it might cause tension between you and your neighbors should word get out. This is a relatively safe area, and ponies might wonder why you have weapons if you don’t intend to use them to help keep them safe by joining the guard force. Moreover, should word get back to Canterlot, it could also create trouble with some of the other nobles who are… less than friendly towards other species, shall we say.”

At hearing Blueblood’s reply, Allen sighed and rolled his eyes. “Of course magical rainbow and sunshine land has racists too, I mean, why the fuck not? Do they wear white robes and hoods that have a smiley face on their backs that say ‘Have a nice day’, and go around burning crosses, too?”

Blueblood grimaced, his ears pinning themselves flat against his scalp. “I… don’t know, to be honest, they have never contacted me. Most of what I know comes from rumors and the occasional guard or police report. Princess Celestia frowns upon that sort of activity, and so they tend to keep to the shadows. However, that is not important right now.”

“And what is?” shot back Allen, a hint of irritation coloring his voice.

“To make sure that you have good relations with your neighbors,” replied Blueblood flatly, his own patience also starting to run a little thin by this point.

Noticing Blueblood’s less than happy mood shift, Allen grimaced and said, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to take my frustrations out on you, it’s just...” he trailed off.

Blueblood sighed. “I accept your apology, Mr. Ross, I can only imagine how you must be feeling right now. You’ve had a lot of things thrown at you in the past week, so much so that I think a lesser p-I mean being, would have probably broken down by now. We,” he pointed a hoof at Red Tape and himself, “want to help reduce the number of problems coming your way. That is why we wanted you to join up with the Ponyville Guard, as a way to justify your possession of weapons and to place you in a position where you can be seen in a positive light by the citizens of Ponyville.” Leaning forward, Blueblood gently placed a hoof on Allen’s shoulder. “I’m not sure how humans are in regards to new things, but it sometimes takes ponies a little bit to get comfortable with something that they are unfamiliar with, and until they do, they tend to act skittish around it, some even outright afraid; just ask Ponyville’s resident zebra about her first few months living here.”

“What, are you saying that ponies are going to run screaming for the hills at the first sight of me?” asked Allen tiredly.

Blueblood waved his hoof back and forth in a ‘so-so’ gesture. “It depends on the pony. Some will, others will be polite but distant, some will go out of their way to avoid you, along with a dozen different reactions from a dozen different ponies. However, they all have the same root and outcome: fear of the unknown, and unhappiness, respectively. We were hoping that if you joined the local guard it would be seen by the local populace as a sign that you want to be part of their community. That you want to help protect them and that you don’t want to just skulk around at the edges of their group like some nefarious entity.”

“So what you’re saying is that, if I join the local guard, the ponies of Ponyville will what, like me more or something?”

Blueblood nodded. “In a way, it’s more that they will get used to you and trust you more. Ponies like a person who is willing to lend a helping hoof, or hand, in this case. Moreover, the more they see you working with those that they know, trust and respect, the quicker they will subconsciously adopt you into their ‘herd’, so to speak.”

“Adopt me into the herd?”

Blueblood waved a hoof dismissively. “It’s a figure of speech. It means that they will come to see you as a friend, even if you’re not a pony, and that you are someone that they can trust to keep them safe, as well as someone for them to keep safe. In addition, it will give you the chance to make some more friends. Friendship is a very important concept here in Equestria, and having friends can help smooth tensions between you and others.”

Red Tape nodded, his happy smile back, and added his own two bits, “Yes, yes, and you won’t need to worry about being asked to ‘go overseas’ as you put it! Local guard units are only responsible for their immediate areas, though in extreme circumstances they may be drafted into the regulars, but if something like that happens, most citizens would also be drafted as well.”

“It still feels like you guys aren’t giving me much of a choice here,” said Allen as he rubbed the back of his neck tiredly.

The two ponies looked at each other for a moment, each holding the other’s gaze with his own until finally, they turned back to Allen. “Mr. Ross,” Blueblood said, “while we feel it would be best if you were to join the local guard… I feel that the circumstances surrounding your arrival would be sufficient to grant you a special dispensation at this time.”

“So I don’t have to join the guard if I don’t want to?” asked Allen hopefully.

Blueblood nodded his head with a sigh. “Yes, Mr. Ross, you will not be forced to join the guard, and I apologize if we came across as trying to force you to do so. That was not our intent. We just felt that it would be the best course of action and that it would give you the opportunity to be seen in a positive light by your new neighbors. Moreover, I figured that you would appreciate the benefits and pay attached to the position.Mr. Red Tape mentioned them, but I believe that on the second page,” he pointed at the enlistment papers, “is a more detailed list of all the responsibilities and benefits that you can expect from joining the guard.”

Allen flipped the page and glanced down the list. Fully covered health insurance, training, and equipment provided, a monthly stipend, and hazard duty pay? That’s...not bad, still, his eyes continued to scan down the list coming over to the responsibilities of the guard. As far as Allen could see, a guardsman, or guardspony in this case, seemed to just be a glorified first responder in that they were expected to help put out fires, rescue hurt or lost individuals, provide basic medical aid in emergencies and help keep the peace by supplementing the local police and military forces.

The benefits weren’t spectacular, but they seemed alright. Of course, he couldn’t be one-hundred percent sure on that fact, as he didn’t really know all that much about Equestria’s economy, but still, it was probably better than nothing.

Setting the pamphlet down again, Allen turned his attention back to the two ponies. “I think I’d rather not join up with the guard at the moment,” and when he saw Red Tape’s ears wilt in disappointment, he hastily added, “but that’s not to say I never want to join, just that I don’t want to right now.”

Blueblood gave a disappointed sigh but nodded in acquiescence to Allen’s wishes. “Very well, Mr. Ross, we will respect your wishes at the moment. However, I should point out that if word gets out about your situation, it could damage your reputation with your neighbors.”

“I’m aware of the risks,” he said flatly, though after a moment he allowed his gaze to fall slightly and his expression to soften. “I’ll think about it, and maybe after I get everything settled, I’ll do some research on the matter, maybe see if I can talk with someone who is a local member, and see what they do,” he finished with a shrug.

“Well, I suppose that is that, then,” replied Blueblood tiredly, turning to Red Tape. “I’ll let you take care of the paperwork. Just send whatever you need signing to me, and I’ll see that it’s taken care of.”

“Very well, Your Grace,” replied Red Tape softly. “Mr. Ross,” he said, turning to Allen, “I will still need to know what type of weapons, armor and magical artifacts you have for our records, as well as what they can do.”

Allen grimaced. “That might be a while, seeing as how they’re locked in a safe that I don’t have the key to at the moment.”

Red Tape gave an unhappy sigh of disappointment. “I see. Well, I suppose we’ll have to get a locksmith out here to have them open it, then.” Shuffling the papers in front of him, he continued, “In any case, I believe that we have plowed this particular field enough, so shall we move on?”

When neither Blueblood or Allen objected, Red Tape gave a nod and they continued.

Sighing at the memory, Allen set the pamphlet back down on the table and scrubbed his tired face with his hands for a moment before leaning back in his chair to stare at the ceiling. The overhead lights cast a warm glow that served to chase away the gathering darkness outside, and Allen felt grateful for the fact that he didn’t have to rely on his gas generator for power anymore. On the other hand, he did have a small moment of… concern earlier, when Lightning Catcher and her crew had finished hooking his house up to the grid.

For some reason, it had completely slipped his mind that Equestria’s power grid might be incompatible with his home electric grid, a possibility which, if true, would have meant that the moment he turned the power on, things would have either not worked right or blown up in his face. Thankfully, that didn’t happen, as, by happy coincidence, Equestria’s power grid parameters were identical to home’s. Allen had had a small ‘oh crap’ moment when Lightning had turned on the juice and flipped the hallway light switch on, as he had forgotten to ask what the ponies used as far as voltage and such for their electrical devices, but when nothing bad had happened he relaxed.

When he’d mentioned his concern to Lightning, she had given him a confident smile, and said, “You shouldn’t have worried, Mr. Ross, we’re professionals! We always check the compatibility of the location with the regular grid before we hook up to the main.”

Chuckling at the memory, Allen let his chair fall back to all fours as he stood up and took his glass back to the sink. Setting it aside, he began making his way to bed. By now the clock on the wall read half past ten, and he wanted to get an early start tomorrow, as he was expecting yet more company. This time it would be his new neighbors, the Apple family. Apparently his land was actually occupying their land currently, and unfortunately, Blueblood and Red Tape hadn’t had time today to get that sorted out, so as a consequence, they were returning tomorrow, bright and early, to iron out the details.

Turning the kitchen lights, off, Allen double-checked to make sure his front door was locked before he ascended the stairs. As he climbed, he thought about the other two ponies who were going to be showing up as well. The first was the mayor of the nearby town – ironically called Ponyville of all things, Allen shuddered in thought of the fact that pretty much everything in Equestria was a horse pun – and while the mayor was coming to represent the town, the other pony that was coming by represented an organization called the Department of Occupations, Talents, and Industries. Allen wasn’t sure what to expect from them, but from what he could see, Blueblood wasn’t exactly their biggest fan, which meant that Allen likely wouldn’t be their biggest fan either.

Only time would tell in the end.