Cassandra the most beautiful and wise of the seven Elements of Harmony, stood at the train station with Twilight Sparkle, in anticipation of their friends coming back.
“I can’t wait to hear about all the fun they had,” said Twilight, “it’ll be all the fun of going on a cruise, without actually having to go outside.” The train pulled up, and three ponies, dripping wet and covered in seaweed, with scowls on their faces, wrestled their way out of the car.
“Wait a minute,” said Twilight, “frowning faces, arched eyebrows, snarling noises, those aren’t behaviors associated with happiness!”
“Well spotted, Twilight” said Cassandra, patting her on the head. “Girls, I take it your trip didn’t go too well.”
"Well Cassandra, you weren’t there, so from the start, there was no way it could be a perfect 10,” said Rarity.
“I haven’t had a boat ride that bad since the time I was stuck on a lifeboat with a tiger,” said Pinkie Pie.
“When ah come back from a trip soakin’ wet an’ exhausted, it’s usually cause of Braeburn,” said Applejack.
They all stormed off in opposite directions.
“This is horrible, Cassandra, what are we going to do?” asked Twilight.
“We’ll throw a tea party at your house, so they can talk things out on a neutral ground.” said Cassandra, “I’ll make the tea & pastries, Spike, you send out invitations, and Twilight…. stand by, I’m sure I’ll think of something for you to do.” Twilight beamed, she was so lucky to have Cassandra as a friend.
The next day, at around noon, AJ, Rarity, and Pinkie were nowhere to be found. Instead, their pets showed up at the castle, each with a letter. Cassandra took a look at Opal’s letter,
“To my beloved Cassandra,
Regrettably even the temptation of afternoon tea, and the subsequent potential for afternoon delight, cannot compel me to attend any soiree where those two are in attendance.
Love, Rarity.”
Spike flipped over Gummy to read Pinkie’s letter,
“Dear Cassandra and others,
The amount of interest I have in going to a party with those two, could fit on a pinhead. Insert pop culture reference here.
-Pinkie Pie.”
Twilight opened up Applejack’s letter,
2 Kasandera,
No T w/ Pik Pye and ♦.
Plz bye moar appells
-AJ.
“Cassandra, can you make heads or tails of this?” asked Twilight
“Hmm,” said Cassandra, examining the letter, “well I can’t read all of her handwriting, but I believe the message is something she rarely says to Braeburn: ‘I’m not coming.’”
“Well, so much for the party,” lamented Twilight.
“Worry not, my little pony, for I have another solution,” said the gorgeous and resourceful Cassandra, “I’ll use my level 99 strength to raise the boat, then study the wreckage with my level 99 forensic skills to figure out what happened.”
Two hours later, Cassandra gathered everypony at the dock.
“After analyzing the results, I think I’ve come up with a pretty clear picture of what happened. Now I must warn you that it is not a flattering depiction, and it indicates that mistakes were made by all, albeit some ponies made more than others.” she glanced at Applejack.
“Cassandra darling, as you are the Element of Trust, we trust that your account is accurate,” said Rarity
“Fire away!” agreed Pinkie.
****FLASHBACK****
Arrr mateys! said Applejack, “Welcome aboard me ship, th’ Jack Pearl.” Switching back to her normal voice, she added “Ah ain’t actually a pirate, because pirates were dishonest and ah’m th’ Element of Honesty.”
“Phew,” said Pinkie, “you had me worried there for a second.”
“Applejack, why on Celestia’s Green Earth are you wearing your stetson hat on a cruise?” asked Rarity
“Oh, ah never take mah hat off, ‘cept at formal occasions and when ah’m havin’ a roll in th’ hay with Braeburn.” she started drooling. The boarded the boat and set off for their adventure at sea.
“I brought a tasteful selection of hors’d’eourves!” said Rarity, taking the lid off of a fancy multi-tiered tray.
“Mighty kind of ya Rarity, but ah dun’t think that’s gonna be enough fer me, ah’m eatin’ fer two.”
“GASP!” exclaimed Rarity, “Applejack, darling do tell us, who is the father, I simply MUST know!”
“Braeburn of course” said Applejack
“Oh,” said Rarity, regretful for her curiosity, “I think I’ve lost my appetite.” She threw the tray overboard.
“You can have my snacks,” said Pinkie Pie
“Thank ya kindly,” said AJ, “Ah’m gonna remember it as you bein’ a bitch, though.” She took to the wheel, and started steering the ship, until Pinkie snuck up behind her and blindfolded her.
“It’s pinata time!”
“Here ah go!” said Applejack. She took a swing and ended up whacking Rarity.
“Applejack, darling! Do watch where you’re swinging that! OOF!” she exclaimed as she got hit again. The sky started to get dark, and the waters choppy.
“Uhm, Applejack?” said Pinkie
“Not now sugarcube, that candy’s so close, ah can tast-”
“Applejack, you really should get back to the wheel!” said Rarity, taking away the bat before the dim-witted farmpony could do any more damage.
“Rarity, yer such a stickler fer manners, don’t ya know it’s rude ta interrupt? Now where’s that gad dang stick at?” she never got a chance to find the stick, because at that moment, a large wave engulfed the boat.
****END FLASHBACK****
“And that wave was no wave, it was actually, the tri-horned bunyip attracted by your cucumber sandwiches!” finished Cassandra, “now who’s ready to party?”
“Hooray!” cheered everypony. They went out on a boat with Cassandra at the helm. Everypony had a blast except Applejack, who fell out of the boat and died (she wasn’t wearing a lifejacket.) Cassandra was the best friend ever, from everypony’s point of view.