Throughout the time that he was working on his next piece, Discord was slowly beginning to feel rather unwell. It first started with light coughing, but soon lead to headaches, loss of focus and a few other symptoms that were a rather big deal for him. After all, he wanted to be able to get this out in time, but with his condition getting worse, he was in no proper shape in order to go on the air… or do anything really. He even had to cancel his tea time with the princesses this month and other social obligations because of how badly sick he was.
So, it was rather unexpected for him to be getting a knock at his door again, especially in his condition. And this time, it wasn’t Princess Celestia standing at his doorstep. Rather, it was Princess Luna. “Greetings Discord… Celestia said I could find you here,” The Princess of the Night told him as she lifted up what appeared to be a ‘get well’ basket in her levitation spell and gave it to him. “It would only be customary to help you since you aren’t feeling rather well at the moment.”
“Aw, why thank you-” Discord said part way through, before sneezing and having to cover his mouth in response with a napkin. “I would welcome you inside, but I rather not get you sick either.”
“It is fine… I came by to see if you needed help with anything after all,” She replied back, taking a step into Discord’s home. “Besides, with you feeling ill, I would think that you need a helping hoof around here other than Fluttershy.” The thought of having Luna actually be willing to help him was something that Discord honestly thought was somewhat suspicious. Even after all the times that he’s made fun of them on previous broadcasts, Luna has been more… open minded on potential reform rather than that of her sister. But… there had been one story he wanted to cover that had been getting a lot of attention.
“Well… there may be one thing I could use your help with…” He mentioned before looking back at her. “For my broadcast this week, I was suppose to be covering books and literature given the recent publication of the Friendship Journal. However, I have been so under the weather as of recently that I haven’t had the chance to step outside.”
That… caught Luna’s attention rather quickly… but it also made her smirk a bit. “Well… perhaps I can help you with that. I do happen to know something that’s going on as a result of it’s publication. Perhaps I can help with your broadcast too.”
“You’re not just using it as a way to take a shot at Celestia now, are you?” The draconequus asked, followed by another small cough. Surprisingly though, Luna shook her head from side to side as she continued to speak.
“Nope. We decided to set our differences aside after the election,” She mentioned. “So, what do you say? You want for me to help you out?” Discord himself now… was smiling a bit as he looked back at Luna. Not only with her help would the broadcast be finished, but it probably be even more entertaining to catch the audience by surprise by having a princess use his sense of humor.
“Yes. Let’s get started right away.”
It took a few moments for her to actually feel comfortable in the choice of attire that Discord had chosen for her, but after some adjusting, Luna felt ready in order to be able to speak. The audience was rather… surprised to see her here tonight and speaking in Discord’s place, but with Discord himself using his magic to take care of the camera’s, lighting and special effects, there really wasn’t anything for the crowd to be concerned about with Luna trying to make this more filly friendly. “Hello everyone, welcome to Last Week Tonight… now, you may have noticed that a certain someone isn’t here right now, even though his own name is on the title of it. So, before you ask, I’m going to state that Discord had to take a sick day… or seven to be exact,” That got the crowd laughing as it showed a graphic of the draconequus with a thermometer in his mouth and clearing out his calendar. “He originally thought that one day was all he needed, but decided to have a few extra days just to be sure.”
Even Discord behind the camera thought that was hilarious because that would be something that he would actually do, and it made him hopeful for everything else that was to be covered in the episode tonight. “You may be thinking that tonight’s programming would be me having to talk to you like your a therapy counselor, or talk about subjects like life on the moon, why did you adopt Blueblood or how selfish the Nobles in Canterlot are. A subject that’s so boring and obvious that Discord literally had that be part of his first ever broadcast.” That was added on by a graphic that showed a screenshot of Discord talking on the subject as Luna decided to refocus. “Now though, tonight is not going to cover any of those things. It’s instead going to cover a rather different subject… Literature. Used for studying, entertainment… and building massive forts in a library.”
This was followed by a clip of what appeared to be Celestia finding Twilight when she was a filly inside a self made fort made out of books when inside the Canterlot Library. Her reason for it, in the cutest way a filly could explain it, was so that she felt safe if monsters tried to come after her. Which, caused the whole crowd to say ‘aww...’ because of how cute she was. “Yes… that is indeed adorable. Just as adorable as her trying to come up with a mathematical equation of how Friendship is Evil because of the amount of time that Cadence and Shining were spending time with each other.” To which, the newest graphic was now the same filly Twilight standing in front of a whiteboard with a massive calculation that resulted with the final line being ‘friendship = evil’.
“Now, there’s a reason why I’m mentioning to you about Twilight Sparkle, who is now Princess Twilight Sparkle. One particular book that she decided to publish out across Equestria has been getting a lot of attention this week and it’s possible that you might’ve heard it mentioned once or twice,” This was shortly followed by a brief clip of a few ponies talking about the release of the ‘Friendship Journal’ and how several ponies were waiting in line outside a bookstore in order to pick up a copy. “Yes, the Friendship Journal. Also known as the Friendship self help guide by Discord.” For a moment, Luna appeared to be squinting a bit at the next line she needed to read, before seeing it and adding it to her sentence. “Also… excuse me if this doesn’t sound right, but… #FriendshipSelfHelpGuide.”
That got the crowd laughing rather quickly again as Luna decided to have everyone calm down before she began to speak again. “Though, even though the book and it’s writers have some good intentions… Nopony could expect the amount of trouble it somehow got other ponies into. Look at this.”
“Several ponies in Canterlot tonight are stunned after two members of the royal guard were seen shouting and arguing with each other in the middle of the city.”
Luna herself raised a hoof for a moment as the crowd looked back at her. “Now, you may be thinking… how does an argument between two ponies somehow revolve around books? Well, wait til you hear the reason why they were fighting.”
“Both of the stallions were arguing over which lessons inside of Princess Twilight’s new book were the best.”
That, drew a rather big and surprised reaction from the crowd and also made Luna look just as surprised too. “Yeah… my sister and I were just as surprised about this too. Because those two stallions are the same two guards that were supposed to be guarding her chambers when she’s sleeping.” That was followed by an image of both guards in front of Celestia’s room, looking like they were still arguing from earlier. “Perhaps they should’ve been doing something else at the time like… oh I don’t know… their job? I guess we’ll just need the new captain in charge to give them a piece of her mind later.” That is when the image changed to where they could see the shadow of the newly appointed captain and both ponies standing at attention. Shivering all the while.
With that in mind, Luna now took a deep breath and looked back at the camera. “But this incident in Canterlot isn’t the first incident of its kind. Similar ones have occurred in other parts of Equestria to the point to which the varying degree in how serious these incidents are… well… you should see for yourself.”
“It's quite obvious that Twilight's lessons were the most important. She's a princess for a reason.”
“This just proves how Celestia prefers her own students over hard workers like Applejack!”
“Why can't Fluttershy grow a pair?”
“ARE PINKIE PIE AND APPLEJACK RELATED!?!?!?”
“So… is Rainbow a lesbian?”
“Rarity’s hot.”
All of those responses had the lunar princess clear her throat shortly before looking at the audience. “To answer those in order… No, it’s not obvious… My sister prefers nopony over hard workers… Fluttershy tried to be assertive once, and that didn’t end so well. Pinkie Pie and Applejack are related, cousins in fact… It’s more likely that Rainbow’s bisexual rather than just lesbian and lastly, if Rarity were in the audience right now, she would say ‘why thank you, darling~’.” The last part of the sentence was actually done in a very accurate impersonation of Rarity’s own voice as the crowd was laughing in response to the answers for each of the questions.
Before continuing to add to the overall story, Luna then began to point out something that Discord and her both thought of when they were originally reviewing the subject. “Now, all of you may be wondering why would a book be causing so much problems? Well, it’s because many ponies are not understanding the main point behind Princess Twilight publishing this. The point of the book is supposed to be so you can apply the magic of friendship to your own lives and learn from these lessons, not throw bowls of ice cream at each other,” Now was when the next graphic was presented in which two ponies were actually throwing ice cream at each other, causing Luna to facehoof herself and sigh. “And in all seriousness… do you think ice cream is a good way to engage in culinary warfare? It would make your opponent want to get hit by the food because of how tasty it would be. At least do what my sister and I did when we were little and fought each other with the abomination that is cooked carrots.” That caused the crowd to laugh again as the graphic changed to where both of the ponies in the original image were using slingshots and firing cooked carrots at one another as pieces of it splattered everywhere. “You wouldn’t want to have yourself get hit by that… Trust me.”
The loud roaring of laughter soon began to settle down as Luna waited for the crowd to be calm first before speaking out again. “Now this… came as a surprise to everypony, including Princess Twilight. In fact, when she was finishing up a small appearance for handling a book signing, this happened,” The clip that played afterwards was soon a small scene that showcased a rather shocked and surprised Twilight trotted out of the room before being able to answer any questions that some reporters had for her. As the clip ended, Luna then spoke up. “Now… this may be something that she doesn’t realize… but a non-answer like that in this particular situation… is an answer. It’s like this… If you asked Discord ‘Have you ever had feelings for either Fluttershy or Princess Celestia?’ and his response was slowly and silently walking away from you, then you can probably tell what his answer might be.”
The crowd was not expecting that one and in turn, almost caused the studio to shake a bit because of how hilarious that predicament was. Especially with the fact that the graphic that was added was the thought of both of those ponies being in Discord’s head and his heart growing a few sizes at the sheer thought of it. Discord behind the camera, originally thought that this was a stretch. But when he soon remembered about the amount of times he remarked about the princesses, it would make sense for Luna to try and make fun of him this time.
Shortly after the comment though, Luna began right where she left off as she looked back at the camera. “Now, all of this drives home a point that I think Twilight wants to try and get across to everypony at this stage. Petty fighting like this is pointless. The journal is suppose to bring ponies closer together and teach them important life lessons, not be a re-run of the HoofField and McColt story in chapter 47, which I’m not going into detail over because well… spoilers.” The corresponding image showed Rarity reading a newspaper article as she looked at Applejack. Giving off a certain expression while the caption above her head said ‘No Spoilers!’ in all caps.
“If anything though, the book is fantastic… but there’s one slight flaw that a lot of ponies are seeming to overlook,” That, surprised a lot of the crowd, including Discord. He didn’t really remember anything being mentioned after the part of the HoofField and McColt case, so even he was surprised by this. “Some individuals that learned rather important lessons over the course of this book being made, like Twilight’s assistant Spike, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, ponies who are in the CmC’s own class and even Discord for that matter, are overshadowed by everything else. If anything, there are more lessons learned by The Elements of Harmony and Starlight than by Spike, Discord and the Cutie Mark Crusaders combined. And some of the most important lessons aren’t from the mane six. Like with Thorax being accepted by the Crystal Empire, the Cutie Mark Crusaders trying to get Gabby a cutie mark, Discord’s conflicting confusion regarding friends around the time of the gala… to which, that shade of orange makes him look like somepony that accidently got a gallon of Orange Juice dropped on a white suit and the stains are already set in.”
The image that resulted from that showed Discord being doused by Orange Juice as it looked like Derpy Hooves had accidentally spilled it all over his clothes. “Not to mention that we haven’t even covered the story of how the Cutie Mark Crusaders… actually got their cutie marks. Which revolves around this filly,” Luna pointed out, showing an image of Diamond Tiara. “And you probably might guess who her parents are.”
“I tell you this, the reason why Diamond’s been acting so differently is because of those blank flanks!! If anything, I can convince them to leave her alone so she isn’t brainwashed by them.”
After that clip, Luna was seen facehooving herself as she looked back at the audience. “No… she can’t. The problem here with Ms. Spoiled Rich is not only the fact that there’s nothing wrong with the Cutie Mark Crusaders to begin with… but if you haven’t realized it, she’s fails on so many levels whenever she tries to convince somepony,” Again, more laughs as the alicorn of the night soon made the reasons for her claims. “Think of it, she didn’t convince anypony to vote for her in the election for Princess, she wasn’t able to convince the ponies counting the votes to swing things in her favor and most importantly, she couldn’t convince her husband to support her or her daughter to believe in what she said. Most importantly, whenever it comes to any subject at all that you are talking about with her, she quickly turns around the subject to her favorite topic… herself.”
The next clip showed her response to her claims showing how she felt about the issue and what she would do in the scenario, completely disregarding the fact that the idea of disciplining Diamond Tiara is immoral and unnecessary. “Yes… it seems like Spoiled Rich immediately involves herself over any personal responsibility. She’s the kind of pony who starts eulogies at funerals saying ‘Great pony. I didn’t kill them, but he was a great pony and I did not do it’.” The graphic of Spoiled Rich saying the proposed eulogy at Filthy Rich’s funeral really got the crown on their hooves/feet as Luna said something else. “Now, another particular case in the book that revolves around the Cutie Mark Crusaders is focused on the events of a derby set up by their class to… learn about physics for some reason. However, unlike with other stories in the book, this one shows that some ponies, including some members of the Mane Six, aren’t exactly perfect.”
The next clip that showed was of the events of the Ponyville Derby and how at the end of it, Applebloom and the others were complaining of how their sisters did not let them be able to design their own carts so they could compete on their own. The only response… was Applejack asking ‘Why didn’t ya say so?’. Something that made the crowd rather surprised as Luna took a deep breath.
“To answer your question, Applejack, they were trying to tell you… However, you were so absorbed in doing it yourself that you didn’t hear her,” Luna said, followed by something else shortly afterwards. “Don’t get me wrong... Applejack, Rarity and Rainbow Dash are all good ponies. Yet, it takes them a LOT longer in order for them to realize it more than others. At some stage, they need to grow up and learn how to handle things themselves. This is a test of knowledge and skill, not a rap battle on the history of the Wonderbolts.” The graphic that followed showed Pinkie Pie in a familiar rap star outfit singing rhymes in front of what looked like Cheese Sandwich in a similar choice of clothes and a beanie. “Oh Pinkie… why did the cakes decide to make you cake with confetti? They knew tonight was rap battle night.”
The crowd humorously chuckled at the analogy as the lunar princess decided to go straight to the main point of the broadcast. “The main point here is that this book is suppose to help teach ponies important fundamental values of friendship from not just the Mane Six, but also from ponies you did not expect. So you shouldn’t be arguing over whose lessons are better, but instead take what you learned and apply it to your own lives… because it would allow for you to see things in a more open light… and also allow for a certain princess to not walk out on you because she was fearing for her own safety. Discord will be back next week, but in the meantime, I’m Princess Luna saying good night… and stay friendly.”
Next Morning
As the Cutie Mark Crusaders were finishing up their chores and meeting each other up this morning, something seemed… different about today that was rather… odd, so to speak. For one thing, many of the townsfolk were much… nicer. Not to mention that some of the ponies that did recognize them said that their lessons in the Friendship Journal that Twilight recently published were their most favorite. Heck, it went as far as somepony even asking for their collective autograph. Something that Scootaloo would normally ask for when she met a famous Wonderbolt, not a passerby in town.
So, they decided that a stop to Princess Twilight’s castle was in order. If anypony was going to help them get to the bottom of this personal mystery of theirs, it would be the princess of friendship herself. Who was rather surprised to see them. “Morning, Twilight!”
“Oh! H-hey girls… what are you doing here?” Twilight asked out of curiosity. “Don’t you have school today?”
“Twilight, we don’t have school today,” Scootaloo replied, surprising Twilight for a moment before the filly then spoke up. “Can we ask you about something though? Something about today seems rather… different than before.”
At that, the alicorn personally raised an eyebrow as she looked back at the group of fillies. “Really? What do you mean?”
“Well, for starters, everypony seemed rather… nicer,” Applebloom picked up where Scootaloo left off as she began to explain everything to the Princess. “And many of the ponies that happened to run into us felt… what’s the word, girls?”
Now it was Sweetie Belle’s turn to speak up. “Honored?”
“Yeah, that!” The earth pony then spoke up in response. “Many ponies were honored to meet us after reading about our lessons in the Friendship Journal! Onepony even asked for our autographs.” That was indeed surprising. She had noticed that in the last couple of days, there were less arguments between ponies regarding the lessons in the Friendship Journal than on other days. Which made her wonder… what exactly could be the cause of that?
“Would you happen to know anything that could explain why, Twilight?” Sweetie Belle’s question snapped the alicorn back to reality as she looked back at the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
“I don’t know girls-” Before she could be able to finish her sentence though, all four of them soon happened to notice two familiar faces enter inside the castle. One was Diamond Tiara, in which the girls knew from school. The other… was actually Filthy Rich. Diamond’s father… and he looked rather nervous.
“Hey Diamond,” Sweetie Belle spoke up, before noticing her dad nearby. “Is your dad okay?”
“He’s…… scared out of his mind,” Diamond replied as Filthy Rich tried to get as far away from the door as possible, while also looking back at the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Twilight. “Remember when my parents decided to participate in the election this year for next Princess?”
All four ponies in the room collectively shook their heads before Diamond breathed a sigh of relief. “Good… because we’re trying to handle a bit of a fallout from what happened. My mom’s gotten so much negative attention from everypony that it’s gotten to the point where she wants to take out her frustrations on my dad… badly.” That had the Cutie Mark Crusaders look at each other in complete confusion and also look at Twilight, who was both a bit confused… and also concerned.
“How bad are we talking about here?” She asked.
“Well…”
“WHERE IS HE!?!” They all heard the screams from outside that sounded like they came from that of Lord Tirek. Only to look outside and see that it was Spoiled Rich running around like a crazed mane-iac. “WHERE IS FILTHY RICH?! I SWEAR TO CELESTIA, I WILL MAKE HIM FEEL MY WRATH FOR NOT SUPPORTING ME!!!”
Which… only left Twilight to say one thing to Diamond Tiara in response. “…… You can stay… but your dad’s going to have to help me pay for staff. I don’t really know how to run a business.”
“Deal.”