//------------------------------// // Awareness // Story: In My Head // by SprocketProductions //------------------------------// "Do your parents know?" Aurora thoughtfully sips her coffee as I wrench on my truck. I don't want to answer her question, so I dodge it, "It's nice this morning, isn't it?" "I asked you a question, Aria." She scolds me, prying for an answer. I remain silent as I finish installing the timing belt. I really don't want to talk about my issues. Maybe I should've stayed quiet about my situation. Although it's still nice to have somepony to help me bear the burden. It was like being thrown into Tartarus to deal with it alone. I had no one to- Aurora breaks my thought with a sharp smack of a hoof against the sheet metal against the front passenger side fender, "Snap out of it." "No, they don't know." I emotionlessly say as I tighten the belt tensioner. She looks down at me from the top of the opened engine compartment, "When do you plan to tell them?" "Are you kidding? They'd disown me." I glare as I roll out from under the truck. The mare walks around to face me, "No they wouldn't, they love you." "They love male Aria. They love a stallion that doesn't exist, they don't love me. They don't even know me." I frustratedly brush the dust off myself. My friend sighs and shakes her head, "How do you know that they wouldn't love you if they did know you?" "I know, okay?" I toss my adjustable wrench in my toolbox, closing the lid with a burst of magic. She frowns, "Maybe you wouldn't be so miserable if you didn't just assume everypony is going to hate you. I didn't start hating you when you told me." "I know what they think of transgender ponies. I really don't want them to think of me that way." I wipe away a tear. Aurora puts her front legs around me, "Aria, don't cry again, please. It's okay, I promise." "I hate living. Why couldn't I have been put on this world normal? I wouldn't even mind if I was stupid. I just hate living like this." I let my tears gush out. The mare strokes my head, "It'll be okay, I know you, and you'll work through this, you always work through things." "I've been trying to for over eighteen years, Aurora!" I exclaim as I push the mare away. Her eyes well up with tears, "I was just trying to help, Aria. I only want you to feel better..." "Then help me! You're good with magic, right?! Make me a mare, physically! Help me, Aurora, help!" I pause after I scream, widening my eyes in shock of what I just said. I run outside the shed, roughly sitting down against the Eastern wall and sobbing. I know Aurora is angry at me, and probably won't speak to me for at least a week. That's what I get for letting my big dumb mouth run. Why would I say that to her? She didn't make me this way. I wipe the tears from my eyes as I prepare myself to confront the situation I just started. This isn't going to be easy. I swallow a lump in my throat as I gently step back in the shed, "Aurora, I'm sorry..." "No, it's fine. I should've left it." She responds, flatly. There's a few moments of cold silence between us before Aurora's voice shatters it with the most repetitive, most predictable question I know, "What exactly goes on in that head of yours?" "I-I..." I stutter, trying to find a proper response, as every process within my mind shuts down immediately, leaving me completely, utterly speechless. Aurora's eyes meet mine, "Aria, I didn't mean to..." "I started it." I coldly say, in my state of emotionless conversational calculation. Aurora hugs me, jumpstarting my brain again and causing me to erupt into tears, "I can't imagine what you're going through, but I'm here. Always remember that. I can't do everything for you, but I will do anything and everything I can if you need me to." "I can't ask that of you, Aurora... I don't want to be a bother." I say, letting my tears completely loose as I gingerly return the embrace. The mare tightens her grip, "Then don't ask, just let me do it all for you. I want to, for my best friend... my only friend." "Thank you. Thank you so much." I say with a quivering voice, sniffing up the buildup in my nostrils, not relenting my grip, even after Aurora's hooves return to the ground. My friend physically pushes out of my hooves to look at me face to face, "The first thing I can do for you happens to be a surprise, at my house." "What is it?" I ask, ignoring my thoughts. She smirks, "You DO know what a surprise is, right?" I am coaxed into Aurora's car's passenger seat as she gets in on the other side. The trees seem more colorful as they go by on the ride to my friend's home. She puts a hoof over my eyes when we arrived, telling me to not open them until she says it's okay. I'm afraid of uncertainty, but I go along with the mystery even still. I feel her quietly guide me up the steps to her second floor apartment. On occasion, one of my hooves slips, but my friend is there to keep me upright. Now that I think of it, she's always been with me, she's always been there for me. From our senior year, when me met, I remember her stepping in when a few stallions had cornered me in the hall. We both got beat up that day, but she was always looking at the bright side, even though we were battered and bruised. I wish I could be that optimistic, but unfortunately, I can't find the spark of positivity within me that keeps her going. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy like her. I feel her take me onto a more flat floor as we step inside the apartment. "Almost here. But I still don't want you opening your eyes." I hear Aurora say. I feel us stop as another door opens. I'm not exactly sure were we are, but I know we're in the apartment, although that knowledge is admittedly vague. I feel fabric being pulled around me, a soft, silky material. Surprised at the feeling, I twitch a little, hearing a slight chuckle coming from my dear friend. The next thing I feel is a zipper along my back. I think Aurora just put a clothing item on me, though I'm not sure what it is. I then start feeling bristles on my face, rubbing in alternating directions. Once that's done, I feel something touch my lips, gently moving all around. Something drags on my eyelashes, surprising me once again. There's silence for a few moments with no interaction between us before I hear Aurora's voice coming out of the darkness, "Okay, you can open your eyes." I open my eyes to see a mare I've never seen before. She has lush eyelashes, and an overall beautiful face. Her lips have a slight gloss to them, enough to make them smooth and shiny. Her mane is smooth and organized. The dress she's wearing is a bright blue, matching her fur, only made of a silky material, and the skirt sweeps to the ground, with white lacy trim. Some subtle embroidery breaks the otherwise bleak fabric into a beautiful design. "What do you think?" Aurora asks, a smile rising on her tone. I make eye contact with the mare my eyes were revealed to, "She's beau-" I notice her mouth silently moving in time with mine before I realize that I'm looking into a mirror, "Aurora... Thank you..." "I'll do anything I can for you, Aria. If that includes giving you a makeover to help you look like the pony you want to be, I'm more than happy to do that." She puts her hooves around me in another hug. My processes aren't all active, and they seem more stable than usual. For the first time ever, at least since before I can remember, I feel good, I feel normal. I'm at peace with this feeling. Not only is it pleasant, it feels right. I return Aurora's embrace and try not to shed tears, even happy tears, into her shoulder, as it would surely undo her work.