The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and Twilight was learning people.
Kids fighting in the street? She learned ‘em good. At least I assume that was the reason she came into the library talking about kids fighting and needing a particular book. Twilight needed the book, that is. Who else would have needed a book?
She came out of the back of the librarywith the old friendship journal. “Ugh, this thing is so much worse than I remember. What could have happened to it?”
She threw a look at me, but I threw it right back. “Don’t look at me. It’s not like I’ve ever touched that thing.”
Twilight sighed. “Okay, good point.” Her expression hardened again. “Though we would have used it more if it hadn’t been for you.”
I shrugged and went back to polishing my snow globes. “Hey, I’m trying to be a nice guy.” I paused, sniffed, and wished I hadn’t because I could smell the book from where I stood. “What the hell?”
“Ugh,” Twilight grimaced, holding it away from her with magic. “I honestly don’t know how it got this bad. I should just make a new copy that’s smell- and dirt-free.”
“Sunset can probably handle that,” I said. “She once helped me make copies of stuff.”
“What stuff?”
“Presidential campaign flyers, paper money, manifestos, you know, stuff.”
“Who uses paper money?”
“Never you mind.”
Twilight had pried the book open, revealing all kinds of serious gaffes that I can’t believe we didn’t catch before now. Somebody, not saying who, had crushed an apple inside. Writing was everywhere, but some pages had nothing on them. Rarity used freaking calligraphy, basically making her entries illegible to laymen.
I could read calligraphy because I had an ex who was really into obscure books. There was one called the Nekochromacon or something she was trying to get me to read. It was kind of boring.
Bible came into the room. “What was this about books?”
Twilight showed him the journal and he visibly recoiled. “That poor thing!”
“I think I will go see Sunset,” Twilight decided. “You know, I think I might have her make copies so my friends can each have their own.”
“Mhmm,” I said, back to my snowglobes.
I probably should have had other priorities. Namely, goddamned Gabby griffon. Believe me, it hadn’t slipped my mind. But I think we all knew that was more of a long term problem. If I could just kill her, I would have already, trying to be a nice guy aside.
Bible came over and watched me work. “I really hope that journal is all right. I know it means a lot to a lot of folks.”
I glanced at him. “Like you?”
He shrugged. “Well, not so much anymore. Honestly, here in Equestria it’s kind of a break not being talked about. Well, argued about.”
Those words would turn out to be strangely prophetic. Well, maybe not strangely. Dude was a holy book, after all.
Later in the day, I was called to a meeting in the back room of the Half Pint. The girls had all come together. Sunset was there, showing off her work. Twilight happily presented fresh copies of the journal to everyone.
“Why do I need this?” I asked.
“I thought we all would appreciate the lessons inside,” said Twilight. She threw me a look. “Some of us more than others.”
“I keep telling you, I’m trying to be a nice guy.”
Twilight ignored me and consulted some paperwork she had brought. “In fact, I thought everypony could appreciate the lessons so much that I had a lot of copies made and distributed to bookstores all over the country so that everypony everywhere can read them. They’re selling really well!”
“Are they?” I said. “You just magicked them up, why do you need to put a price on them?”
“It was just a nominal fee,” said Twilight. “I didn’t want anything to keep ponies from reading the journal.”
“Did you at least edit it down?” I said. “There are some things in there that maybe weren’t for public consumption. Like-”
Daring stormed in, holding a copy of the book. She slammed it down on the table. “Why in the world would you tell everypony that I’m real!? I’m so angry I can’t even summon the snark to say ‘Thanks for ruining my life, Rainbow Dash’ sarcastically. I just hate you and never want to see you again. You’d think the Element of Loyalty could keep a secret.”
She stormed out.
I could have done a slow clap, because unlike Daring I was totally capable of sarcasm, but I figured Rainbow’s hero telling her to go screw herself was good enough.
“-things like that,” I finished.
“Yeah,” said Pinkie. “Now everypony thinks I’m boning Fluttershy.”
“Aside from the fact that you used to and don’t actually have a boner, isn’t that what you want?” I said.
“But she broke up with me last week and the book wasn’t updated before it was printed! Now no one will know that I’m totally a free agent! Not that I want to be alone because Fluttershy was always a great lay, and…” Pinkie sniffed and then started bawling. She tried to come across the table. “Take me back, baby!”
Fluttershy didn’t explicitly say no, because she’d used up all her assertiveness just break the unhealthy relationship off, but cringed back and hid behind her mane.
It was kind of uncomfortable and I decided to leave. I’d have to re-read the journal and figure out what kind of things it said about me. Lord knows I deal with enough crazies already. A nationwide best-seller had the potential to totally ruin my day, bringing all kinds of people out of the woodwork.
Fortunately, it seemed like the girls had written about me in such a batshit insane manner that nobody actually believed I was real.
For thinking it was a work of fiction, though, the whole country sure was up in arms about the book. We had fans, critics, and everyone in between showing up in Ponyville. Some of them wanted autographs in their mint-condition first-edition genuine authentic friendship journals that they had never read because that would wrinkle the spine. Some wanted to see the places involved like some sort of way less macabre version of going to Dealey Plaza in Dallas to see how the Kennedy assassination went down.
If the rifle was in my hands, I would have done it from the grassy knoll, for the record.
Most of the fans pouring into town seemed to think I was a cosplayer. Those that tried to take my picture found out the hard way that was not the case because I broke their cameras. But they had no proof that I was the real deal because I broke their cameras.
I eventually got tired of putting up with it, though, and had to get out of town.
Tin Mare still wasn’t back together. The airframe was kind of there. I’d refurb’d one engine. With a couple hacks, that was enough to get it airborne under manual control.
Tin Mare’s CPU was currently employed playing Doom and acting as a backup AI imagery processing unit. She stopped legions of demons from Hell, and also played video games. She had to do something, being otherwise down for the count.
I still had to get her back together. Certain upgrades were in the works. Every time I thought I was ready to put things back in place, I’d think of something else. I couldn’t afford to send her back out against Gabby if she wasn’t at her very best.
With what I could scavenge of the airframe, I sat down in the cockpit and set off, flying out to the Rarity. It had been a while since I’d visited.
She was loathe to hear that the friendship journal had been published. “That was private!”
“Well, as long as you didn’t write about too many privates.”
Rarity didn’t reply in a way that was kind of a reply in itself.
“Anyway,” I said, “I should probably get going. I have stuff to do. Applejack’s probably freaking out about being popular. Rainbow’s probably going to do something stupid because she’s getting all the attention she ever wanted. Fluttershy’s probably curled into a pity ball so tight she’s started doing nuclear fusion at her innermost atoms. Twilight might level half a city block through sheer neuroticism. Pinkie’s either found a new girlfriend or turned into an axe murderer.”
“I’ll just sit here, then,” said Rarity. “If you see Princess Luna, ask her to adjust the moon a bit this evening. I’m feeling fat on the other side of the planet.”
I chuckled. “Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. Celestia’s missing, got Sunset to replace her, and Sunset got Maud to replace her.”
“What!? Where could Celestia be? And how is Maud running the sun?”
“I don’t know, and I don’t know. I’m guessing on vacation, and good question.”
“If Maud’s learned how to move the sun, maybe she’s figured out how to distill me?” Rarity said, hopefully.
“I’ll ask, but don’t hold your breath. You know Maud doesn’t really do liquids.”
“Well, it’s not like I can be a solid,” she grumped.
“What about icebergs? You can’t do that? You’re not a very good ocean, then.”
“How many oceans do you know!? And anyway, I can’t be ice. I’m too salty.”
“Glad we agree on that.”
I left. Rarity was in one of her moods. On the way back, the VTOL kept acting up. Having only one engine, perhaps half the control surfaces, and no advanced AI to hold it together really made things more difficult.
Maybe I should have taken the train, but the only one that would have gotten there was the farmers’ market train that had too many carloads of grapes.
I arrived back in Ponyville to discover that my predictions had been mostly correct.
Applejack was freaking out about being popular. Rainbow’s ego was swelling again because she was getting all the attention she ever wanted. Twilight’s mane had started to fray and she looked like she might level half a city block through sheer neuroticism. Fluttershy had gone nuclear, in a safe, contained sort of way that produced nigh-unlimited electricity.
Pinkie had neither found a new girlfriend nor turned into an axe murderer. In fact, she just moped. Not in the pitiful kind of way, the uncomfortable for everyone else kind of way. I wasn’t sure if it was a ploy to get Fluttershy to take pity on her, genuine despair, or both.
Fluttershy was too busy being the new town electric generator to do anything about it, though.
“Huh, free power was what I was I was going for when I built the Ponyville Industrial Nuclear Powerplant,” I said. “That never got going, for reasons. But I guess that makes you the new PINP.”
“I wish I didn’t have to stand here like this,” said Fluttershy. “But the electric cords don’t reach very far. I guess I like being helpful, though.”
“Are you okay with the, uh…” I gestured.
Fluttershy blushed, but said, “After being with Pinkie, I’m used to having things plugged in there. I just wish I wasn’t here in the town square in front of everypony.”
“I can build you a shed or something.”
“Please.”
I went to get the building materials. I could build a shed in my sleep, so my mind turned to other things. Gabby, of course.
I had a lot of ideas about what I could do about her. I could, despite Twilight’s protests, invite another concert of people I didn’t like to bait her. Hmm, what if I tried throwing a concert for her? Would she kill them then? No, probably better not risk not killing people I did not like.
There were a couple of magical artifacts around that I should look into to get more power. I wasn’t an alicorn anymore, but I knew a thing or two about power levels. I just had to build a scouter to make sure mine was higher than hers.
I could maybe work on getting my employment transferred to the Beatles’ soul credit union. That might be tricky, if Gabby was in the habit of killing bands.
Maybe I could try psychological warfare. Everyone had something that annoyed them. If I do say so myself, I was pretty good at finding that thing and exploiting the shit out of it.
I decided to dig into my bag of toys to see what I could come up with.