Shit, Nice To Meet You, I'm Fan.
"Seriously. It's just one thing after another today. See Gilda? I told you the gala was cursed." She just laughed.
"Well, it was fun right? You made that guy FLY."
"Yeah, it was pretty funny. Well, let's have some more 'fun'. Maybe play some more music, dance a bit?" She smiled warmly. Man, I love that smile. Its like she's happy, yet plotting, and then there's just a tiny hint of lust in the undertone, and all the while, brimming with confidence.
"Sure."
After a bit, I noticed a scuffle coming from on stage. Octavia, making sounds of pain, with Knightmare standing on top of her, making grunts.
'Oh come on! Really? No. Hold on. Maybe it's not what it seems. Yeah. It's definitely NOT that.'
"Get your hooves off me you brute!" Or, maybe it is.
"As soon as I get you untangled from my guitar strings. You can't do it yourself, you'll just get burned again." Or, maybe it's not. I really hate this guy. He's like that annoying kid that won't shut up, and you just want to hit him, and he's a perv on top of it, so now whenever he does anything, even if it's NOT something dirty, I'm gonna think it is. He finally got the snooty earth pony unsnared from his lightning guitar strings, and proceeded to show her how to play. She strummed a bit of a metal riff, then put it down, seemingly unimpressed. Then, the bastard changeling walked up to the microphone, and did something soul shattering.
"Hey everypony! I'd like to play a song in honor of our resident badasshole, Griffin the griffin!"
'No. No. No. No. No. Nope. Natta. Nein. Neit. Non. Nicht. No. Nononono.'
"We all know what happens on the outside, but what's on the inside of his head? I have a pretty good idea, and now I'm going to share it with you all." That bastard changeling proceeded to play the most feminine, sugar coated, six-year-old-girl-iest song I have ever heard. I.... I don't even have a name for what that is. The audience began to laugh. LAUGH. My group didn't, as they weren't impressed. The mane six laughed, even Fluttershy was wiping a tear from her eye. He even had Vinyl use a spell to show what was going on in his head, and he showed an image of me skipping through a field of flowers and lollipops, spreading sparkles everywhere.
'That's it. I don't care if Celestia gets mad. I am going to make him cry.'
The song ended, and I stormed up on stage, grabbed him by his coat, and lifted him up.
"Just what the FUCK was that?"
"Uh, meet the pyro?"
"What." I deadpanned.
"Valve finally released it."
"You've got to be kidding me. Do you have ANY idea what you just did to my image?"
"Mauled it like a cat does a baby bird?"
"And do you have any idea what I'm going to do to you?" I glared.
"Um....... see previous?" He gulped.
"Hmm. No." He seemed to relax. "I think I just won't help you with your 'unable to eat real food' problem."
"What do you mean? How could you help with that?"
"Well, I know magic, and I maaaaaaaaay just happen to know a spell that can toggle between our true forms and what we are now. Not only do I have the power to expose us all, and rob us of the powers we possess in our Equestrian forms, but if I were to turn you human, you could eat the left overs from the Sweet Apple Acres cart, and even have some alcohol too, but, after that little stunt, I don't think I'm inclined to help you."
"And WHY didn't you mention that EARLIER!?!?!?" He screamed. Got him.
"It must have slipped my mind." I put on the best trollface I could, and judging from the fact that his face turned red, and he literally had steam coming out of his ears, it was working. I was still holding him by his jacket, as he wound up to punch me.
"You mad bro?"
Just as we were about to fight, (a fight that I had been looking forward to for a while, considering I know that I can beat this poor fool into the pavement, he deserves it, and if I can get him to start it, I'll have an excuse), the doors to the hall fell off their hinges, and the guards standing in the way were sent flying. I ducked just in time for the unconscious, armored body of a pegasus to fly over my head. I dropped the changeling, and turned to see what had caused it. A lizard thing, fairly tall, black, wingless, with glowing purple eyes and blue lines running all over it's scales. It looks like a dragon, but doesn't have wings, kind of like Spike. It's taller than Shimmer though, who's wings are budding. Behind it is an armored pony, with a two handed sword on her back. None of her features are visible through the armor, only the shape of the steel hinting at the gender.
The dragon stomped up the charred remains of the red carpet, Knightmare and I jumping to either side of it and drawing our weapons, Aoi slipping in behind and pulling something from his clothing. We watched as it walked right up to us.
"Who the hell do you think you are?" The idiot changeling asked. I wisely chose to keep my mouth shut and observe. I have no idea what it's capable of, and I don't want to get smacked around for mouthing off. It ignored us, and walked towards the throne, where Luna was sitting.
"Hey! I'm talking to you!" He picks up a chair and throws it at the dragon. It shatters on its scales, and it doesn't even seem to notice. It walks up and looks the moon princess straight in the eye, then balls its hand into a fist, winds up, and delivers what, if it had been on a non immortal, could only be described as a bone shattering punch, straight to the muzzle. If it had been anyone else, they'd be missing their skull.
"What the hell!" Knightmare shifts into a cat-like form, then charges. The attacker grabs Luna, who is attempting to charge a spell, by the horn, and uses her like a baseball bat to send the changeling right back to us, Aoi catching him with a thud and an oof. He turns to charge again, but I put Hades in his way.
"Hold on idiot, look." The dragon grabs Luna, throws her into the ceiling, and as she falls, jumps on top of her, and stomps her into the floor, then through it, a number of thuds telling me that they're going through several floors.
"If that thing can do that to the princess, just what do you think you'll be able to do?" He paused, then changed back to his normal, bug form, sighed, and hung his head. Then, he looked up, and I saw a glint of determination in his eye.
"Alright, fine, but then we're at least planning on how to beat it when it comes back."
"Hey, Gilda. Get the crew together, and help them evac this place, it's going to become a battlefield pretty soon. Keep the civvies safe alright?" We three humans got into a huddle to go over what we knew, while my team worked to calm the ponies who were freaking out, trampling the room, and get them out of the danger zone.
"Alright, so, it's a dragon of some kind, and the scales are black. That means it's going to be hard to cut through. That pretty much counts you out on hurting it Knight. It's also small and fast, judging by the way it's thrashing Luna, so, I might be able to hurt it, but I won't be able to hit it. That leaves you Aoi. You're fast enough to hit it, and strong enough to actually deal damage. Also, the glowing eyes and blue lines, that's magic if I ever saw it. It's using spells, and since it's a dragon, it has a near unlimited reservoir for magic."
"You do realize that, considering what it's doing to Luna, trying to get close will pretty much be suicide right?" Aoi deadpanned.
"Which is why we're playing distraction. You're stealthy. Knight and I will get it's attention, then you sneak up and get the kill shot. You'll only have one chance, because it won't fall for it again. Screw up, and we're all dead."
"I still hate you, you know that right? Once she's down for the count, it's gonna be you and me." Knightmare scowls. "Will bullets work on it?"
"The scales are harder than diamond." Aoi points out.
"Okay, no bullets. Plasma cannon?" He offers.
"Can't guarantee it'll do damage, but it should at least give the rest of us breathing room. But, where are you going to get something like that?" To answer my question, the shapeshifter takes the form of a mech thing, then changes back.
"Okay.... now..... are we forgetting something?" We break the huddle, and I spot the armored earth pony that came in with the rampaging dragon, looking very nervous and trying very hard to not be seen. Mission, FAILED. I pounce on the mare, pinning her to the ground.
"Ello poppet. Where do you think you're going?"
"Get off me." She thrashed and bucked, knocking me off, only for me to pounce and pin her hooves behind her back.
"Not till you tell me what I want to know. For example, just who the hell was that, and how can we kick it's ass?"
"That's Ember, she doesn't HAVE a weakness moron."
"You better not be lying, or in five seconds, you won't have a face." Knightmare adds. Aoi steps in between us as I get off her.
"No, it's okay. A black dragon, strong scales, small and fast, and uses magic. I'm not surprised she doesn't have apparent weaknesses. We'll just have to play our strengths then. Back to planning." I climb off, and Rtiz glares a hole in my head, but doesn't strike. She's probably waiting for this 'Ember' to get back.
"Alright, Knight, you'll pepper her with attacks from a distance, I'll rush in and be and up close distraction, and Aoi will get in and hit her from behind."
"Griffin, your magic.... what kind of spells do you know?" Aoi asked.
"All sorts. Protection, enhancing an edge, some elemental which depend on what's around, speed, and some debuffs like silence, although, since she's resistant to magic, those won't work."
"So, you can make me go faster for about... 30 seconds?"
"How fast?"
"Fast enough to turn me into a living bullet while falling?" I got a smile.
"That, I can do. Just tell me when you want the buff." I continued hearing thuds throughout the castle, coming from all around, and the hum of powerful magic as very heavy things were being thrown around.
"Oh shit........." Knightmare states, as though he just remembered something.
"What?"
"What if they break into The Black Vault?"
"The what?" Now it's my turn to be confused.
"Where every object in this world, living or inanimate, deemed 'more dangerous than Discord' is kept, including the elements of harmony, so that no evil force can get them." I snapped my claws.
"Also, I think we're forgetting something else. Six very important somethings......." Aoi and Knightmare look at me expectantly. Aoi, I understand, as he wasn't a brony, but the changeling is just being stupid at this point, considering he just mentioned them.
"The elements of harmony!" The bug understands, but Aoi is still confused.
"Oh girls!" Knightmare calls, the six mares trotting over.
"Would you three explain what the hay is going on?" Rainbow Dash asks.
"Well, Luna is getting thrashed, and we have a plan, but if it fails, we need you to use the elements of harmony, so, go get em."
"But, they're behind a locked door." Twilight deadpans.
"Well, figure it out. I don't care if you need to take Drunk-lestia's unconscious body down there and use her to open it, just get it done." They head to the vault to attempt to retrieve the elements, until Aoi asks.
"What elements?" Facepalm. Of course, we keep forgetting he's not a brony, so he wouldn't know.
"The elements of harmony are six artifacts, taking the form of five necklaces and a tiara, which represent kindness, loyalty, honestly, laughter, generosity, and magic. Together, they are the most powerful force in this world." I explain in a textbook manner.
"They've defeated a demoness, and sealed away the spirit of chaos. Those six mares are national heroes, the ones who wield them." The pervert bug adds.
"Oh." was all he had to say.
"So, we three will head to wherever they are, and you six get to the vault and........" Just as we were getting ready to move out, there was a crash, and the dragoness crashed through the wall, using Luna like a battering ram.
"Girls...... go...... now......"
"......You gotta be fuckin' with me...."
Aoi says nothing, simply drawing his sword. Knightmare and I follow as Ember tosses Luna to the ground with disdain, then begins to stomp towards us, the tile and flagstones shattering as she approaches. We all gulp as she nears us. If something has the power to beat the moon Goddess, we're in for a tough fight.
"Ember, STOP!" And then Ritz, who we had all forgotten about, smacks Ember on the back of the head. She turns her attention to her companion, who up till this point had been full of determination and defiance. As soon as those glowing purple eyes set themselves on the armored pony, she backed up, nervous. Ember raises a claw, and Ritz quickly strikes her on the muzzle. The dragoness's eyes stop glowing, and instead of purple, are now red. The blue lines fade from her body, and she begins looking around confused, and Ritz lets out a breath she was holding.
Knightmare blinks, "Well now, that was anti-climactic."
"Ugh, what happened?"
"You went on a rampage, AGAIN! And at the Grand Galloping Gala!" The armored pony literally screeches.
"What....... the....... fuck..... just..... happened.......?" I lower my weapon, and my partners follow suit.
"Yeah, don't care. Now, where'd I put that bitch Luna?" Ember laughs. My eye begins to twitch.
"I don't believe this......" I facepalm, and the other two rub their temples. As I take my claw away, I notice the dragonesss staring at me.
"WHAT?!"
"You." Oh for fuck's sake not this again. Might as well play for a bit.
"Who? Lil ol me?" I bat my eyelashes. She hisses. I drop the playful tone, and go serious instead.
"What about me?"
"I'm gonna kill you, asshole." She spat in my face.
"Okay then?" I wipe myself off.
"But not here. Too many innocents to get in the way. Be warned. I will find you. And I will fill you with so much pain, you will beg for death. And after that, I'm going to EAT you, but, unlike my dad, I WON'T choke. Now, I have to go....... talk with Princess Luna." She grabs the unconscious alicorn by the horn and drags her out of the hall, further into the castle, much to the shock of everyone present. Okay, seriously, what?
"Wait... hold on. She storms the gala, wrecks shit, curbstomps Luna, snaps out of it, threatens me, then takes the princess out back to have a chat?" At this point, I lose all restraint. "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?!?!"
"I don't know, but it looks like you're going to have to watch your back." The wolf states stoically.
"Okay.......... *Deep breath* She said she's gonna kill me, and unlike her dad, she won't choke........ wait, her dad? Oh, just FUCKING great. She's pissed because that dragon ate me and it died instead." I turn to see the shape shifter gawking at me in disbelief.
"Are you serious? A dragon ATE you and it died? How the fuck does shit like that happen?"
"I'll tell you what I tell everyone else. I'm chewy."
"He dove down it's throat with a sharp scale." The swordsman corrected.
"Wow Aoi, way to ruin it."
"Not only are you an asshole, you're a lunatic to boot." Knightmare shakes his head and sighs.
"Yeah yeah. They're coming to take me away, haha! Hee hee, ho ho, haha, to the funny farm! Where life is beautiful all the time! Seriously though, I know. I'm pretty screwed up."
"Then move to Ponyville, you'll fit right in!" At Knightmare's joke, we all relax quite a bit, and start to laugh, but not a happy laugh, a nervous, 'it's the end of the world, I'm going to go hysterical now' laugh. Doesn't help that I haven't killed ANYTHING in like, a month. It's starting to wear on my nerves. I went crazy from wanting to fight back and not being able to, and since I came to Equestria and went on a war path, while more apparent, my emotions have been leveling out, due to me externalizing them. I HAVE TO KILL THINGS! IT'S PART OF MY THERAPY!
"Um, I hate to interrupt but..." We turn and look at them, all wearing their necklaces. "We have a problem." Twilight interjects.
"What's the issue? You got the elements, and the problem is gone. Everything is good, right? Well, except the floor and wall, and Luna's out cold, possibly kidnapped by a rampaging dragon, Celestia is passed out drunk, and all the ponies are outside, freaking out because the gala just got attacked."
"That phrase never portends an easily solved problem....Agent Pie! Sitrep, now!" The changeling orders. Wait. AGENT Pie?
"The Black Vault is shredded and over half of the Articles are GONE!" She says with her usual over-energetic way of speaking.
"Wait, AGENT, Pie? You mean........ *Gasp* I knew it! Pinkie Pie IS a spy!"
Knightmare sighs, "Not a spy. She's an Agent, working for Celestia...like me."
"So, you're both spies." Aoi snickers.
"I was before I came to Equestria.
"Wait, that means, you two are spies too? Ha. Haha. Ha. I'm surrounded by spies." I have a slightly maniacal laugh at this point.
"If anyone makes a 'That changeling is a spy!' joke I'm gonna go Pyro on yo ass!" He pouts as he turns into the psychotic, mask wearing fiend, and says something that is muffled by the mask.
"That Pyro's A SPAH!" He changes back, then glares at me. "What? I didn't say changeling."
"For a vault, it's not that secure..." The wolf points out. Knightmare gets an eye twitch, than runs out of the room fast enough to leave cartoonish green flames behind him. After a moment, we hear a very faint screech.
"Did you hear that?" Aoi asks. I reply with a Sergeant Shultz response.
"I SEE nothing. I HEAR nothing, I KNOW nothing." The changeling comes back in, just as quickly as he left,
"NIGHTMARE MOON'S ARMOR IS MISSING!!!!"
"Okay." I start taking deep breaths. If the armor of 'The Nightmare' just got up and left, well, I've read enough fanfiction to know what is about to happen. Just then, Gilda and the rest of my crew, along with all the ponies they were watching over, come storming back into the hall, grab the doors and put them back, several unicorns using magic to repair the hinges, then conjure several locks, bolts, planks and such to barricade it. They look like they had all just run for their lives.
"Gilda, what in the name of Morgan Freeman is going on out there?"
"Some stupid oaf got into the Canterlot zoo and let all the animals out. We've got timber wolves, manticores, herophants, some rocs, and a fucking basilisk, all making a beeline here."
"Oh for fuck sake!"
"Well Griffin, looks like the night is not over yet..." How the HELL is Aoi so damn calm right now? Right, trained assassin.
"Is it just me, or does it feel like the apocalypse tonight?" The bug asks.
"Okay, okay, I got it. Aoi, you go deal with the animals. I'll have my crew help the moron track down the dark goddess's armor." At this point, I'm gasping for air, and my heart rate is through the roof. My eye is twitching, and I'm having slight muscle spasms.
"Then what the hell are you gonna do?"
"I'm going to sit here on my ass, take some deep breaths, have a drink to calm my nerves, then try to figure out how to stop the fucking end of the world. Things are moving way too fast for my liking, and I haven't had any time to figure it out and it's driving me nuts. Also, Discord is laughing at us right now. Fuck you Discord. Apocalypses aren't funny."
Knightmare whispered something to Aoi along the lines of 'He's lost it' before taking my crew to go track down the items that escaped from the vault, while the wolf takes his hounds and heads outside to meet the animals of the zoo, and I grab a cup and scoop some punch.
"I'll only have one glass, just to take the edge off. Any more and if I survive this debacle, Gilda will kill me. Can't go getting drunk when I have the end of the world to deal with." I down the glass, close my eyes, take some deep breaths to try and stop the hyperventilation, and think. Unfortunately, there is only one thing I can think of, one question that takes precedence above all else.
"Who signed me up for this shit?"