//------------------------------// // Chapter Eight: "Yay! Dick shopping!" // Story: Stuff My Sister Says // by Daemon McRae //------------------------------// Chapter 8: “Yay! Dick shopping!” “So you’re not a lesbian?” Runway asks, dejected. “That’s boring.” Dash gives her a deadpan stare. “I’m so sorry to disappoint you.” The four of us actually ended up occupying the same room that Kicker had suggested, if only because Rainbow shouts a lot. My sister and I are taking up most of the bed, with Rainbow sitting on the floor and Fluttershy curled up contentedly in a couch, now that she’s separated from all the noise. “So, um… Lightning Dust?” She squeaks. I turn my attention to her as she continues, “You… um, you were the pony that made that big twister, right?” I groan loudly, feeling my eyebrow twitch. “Yes, yes I am. And I’m sorry.” She has the common courtesy to look embarrassed. Or maybe she actually is. Probably the latter. “Oh, no! I mean, it was scary, but Ponyville has a lot of scary lately, so I’m kind of used to it. I just wanted to say I thought it was...impressive.” She miles a small smile buried in a really large blush. I can’t help but smile. “Well, um, thank you.” Rainbow shifts her still deadpan stare to her friend. “Fluttershy, please don’t encourage the natural disasters. I like my job. ALOT.” “So wait… ok, hold on. You were there for the friendnado?” Runway asks. Shy pipes up. “Yes. I mean, It was really big and scary, and did a lot of damage, but a twister that big whipped up by only one pegasus? That has to be a lot… of wingpower...” she withdraws into herself, her blush deepening. My twin gives her a sly look. “Is that a thing you look for in a mare? Wingpower?” “Um… yes?” Rainbow looks almost incensed. “Then why did you never hit on me?! I’ve got wingpower for days! WEEKS!” The yellow pegasus gives her friend a reproachful look. “Because any time somepony even suggests you’re gay you get all mad and rude.” Now it’s Rainbow’s turn to look sheepish. “Oh, well, yeah. I guess.” “Why is it such a big deal, anyway?” I droll. And soon realize my mistake as Rainbow takes off into what I can only assume is a rather well-rehearsed rant. “Because I’m covered in rainbows. My dad is a rainbow. My mom is a rainbow. Almost my entire family is rainbows. And none of us are gay. Everypony, all my life, assumed I would grow up to be a raging lesbian. My parents go out in public and everypony assumes their either two mares or two stallions. My nicknames throughout school were either Rainbow Crash or Rainbow Chaser. And it doesn’t help that I accidentally moved to the fillyfooler capital of the WORLD. I’m so tired of everypony making assumptions about me because of my mane color. Assumptions about my family. Just because all my friends are girls doesn’t mean I’m trying to sleep with them all!” By the end she’s running out of breath, and a little frustrated. Runway seems nonplussed. “So why don’t you just get a boyfriend?” “I’ve tried. The most eligible bachelor in town only likes Earth pony mares, the cutest guy on the team is a gaff with a pastry fetish and no table manners, and the only male friend I talk to with any regularity is a 13 year old dragon. Give or take a few years.” She looks exasperated. “That’s one of the reasons I came to this party. I just wanna meet a decent guy!” I have to restrain a laugh. “And you came to Cloud Kicker’s party for that? You know this is basically the real world version of Winger, right?” She glares at me. “I do now.” Fluttershy pipes up. “I suggested that she try and meet some of the other stallions in the Wonderbolts, but-” “But they’re even more self-obsessed than we are,” Dash grumbles, gesturing in my direction. I whistle appreciatively. “Dayum. That takes dedication. And there aren’t any other decent stallions in Ponyville?” “Like I said, fillyfooler capital of the world. More than half of my friends are gay. There’s like, fifteen mares for every stallion. And almost all the good ones are taken. The other half are either too picky, or some special kind of crazy I don’t really want to deal with.” Project taps her chin with her hoof. “Well, being in the Wonderbolts, don’t you meet a lot of guards? I hear there are some decent stallions among that stock.” Rainbow thinks about that for a moment. “Yeah, but the nearest guard station is in Canterlot, and I only really talk to them when there’s some big event or something. I haven’t actually seen a guard in person in months.” “So you’re screwed.” “No!” Rainbow whines. “That’s the PROBLEM!” “Well, why don’t you try finding a decent guy here?” I offer. “Cloudsdale’s not that far away from Ponyville, and there’s a lot of decent pegasus dudes here. There’s even a few unicorns who know cloudwalking spells. If you’re into the egghead type.” Flutershy smiles and nods. “Yeah, why don’t we stay for a few days? We can visit family, talk to the locals, and you can meet some new ponies.” Dash looks around the room, possibly to think of another argument. “Yeah, I guess.” “Good. Now that that’s settled, I’m going to join the party again,” I explain, pulling myself off the couch. Fluttershy looks a little downtrodden. I stroll over and pat her cheek with a wing. “Oh don’t worry, cutie. I’ll come back. I just need to help Runway find a stallion to bunk down with tonight.” “Yay! Dick shopping!” my twin says from the thankfully closed door. Fluttershy raises an eyebrow at me in near-alarm. I heave a sigh. “A LOT of help.”