Cyclone was afraid.
It should have been expected – two ponies had died and they were exploring a cave hundreds of yards below the surface. But somehow she hadn’t expected it. Maybe it was because she hadn’t been afraid before, at least not like this.
Cyclone had died thirty-two years old, on a rare kind of wing cancer. Lightning Arc had told her that ponies didn’t die of cancer in Equestria, that Celestia herself came to heal them if doctors failed – but Cyclone had been born in a far away land called Lûn, and there, cancer was a death sentence.
Yes, she was used to suffering. She was used to harshness, to fights, and to fear. She had even accepted her fate as the cancer had slowly devoured her body. But now she was back alive, and as far as she knew, with decent odds to survive all of this. More than that, being an angel seemed to mean having amazing friends, a stronger body, and living in Equestria, the closest thing to paradise that was known to ponykind. Her life was better than ever before.
And more to lose meant more to fear.
Cyclone didn’t want to die again. And she didn’t feel like she deserved to die again. Corinne had said only the best ponies came back from the dead. Even if that wasn’t true, all she ever wanted to do was to be a good pony. She had not hurt another creature since she was four years old. Had not lied since she was seven. Had always offered her help to anyone who needed it, without expecting anything in return, even with life as rough as it was back at home.
Home. She could feel a tear running down her cheek. She would like to be home again, some day. To meet her parents. Her brother. Her two younger sisters.
Of course, even if they did escape, if they kept their ability to sense problems from other ponies, then she would never have the opportunity to go for such a long journey.
But there was more. There was so much she still wanted to do... she had never been in love... but she had never thought of herself as unable to love... she just hadn’t found the right pony yet...
She had never seen the princess, either. Had never been to the city on the mountain. Had barely done anything, really, since living here.
In short, Cyclone wanted to live. Apparently, her wish to live was so strong that it almost made her want to leave. Because she did want to leave. She could feel it. She didn’t want to go any further. Didn’t want to help this strange mare with the strange symbol on her flank.
She wanted to leave. Leave this place and leave saving the world to others.
That was the most selfish thought she had ever had. What was wrong with her?
Fluttershy wanted to leave, and that was terrible. Twilight, the pony she loved more than anypony, anyone, anything else in the world, had died, and she wasn’t willing to help to bring her back? She was terrible. Terrible and afraid and useless.
That, and a traitor. She had volunteered to go on a trip that would lead to the death of a friend, and she hadn’t even known why. Still didn’t know why. Had sat out the fight. Still was afraid. So afraid.
Wanted to go back. To save herself. To go back and back and leave them all and hope Sigma would do it all on her own, or let the others do the work.
Fluttershy was terrible. But she wouldn’t let herself leave. She’d have to ask for permission. And she didn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve anything.
Had failed. Had fled the attack. Had been useless. Was terrible.
Wanting only to leave, Fluttershy numbly trotted along, the weight of her dead friend on her back.
Fear.
Fear was her greatest enemy. Understanding more of the world than other ponies only meant there was more to be afraid of. She was afraid of so much, of the eternal nothingness, if it existed, of immortality, if it didn’t. Fear of the Rift. Fear of losing her own consciousness. Fear of something happening to the mare close to her.
Fear of the Rift. Fear of the Rift.
Fear. Fear. Fear. Fear. Fear.
Sigma didn’t believe that she had a particularly good understanding of fear, but she knew the feeling well. It was the absence of safety, of security. The absence of an insurance that would keep her alive. The one insurance she so desperately craved.
She didn’t know where it was coming from now, why it was so much, why she was so afraid that she could barely stop herself from crying.