//------------------------------// // Rude Awakening // Story: My Little Person: The Strange Case of Lyle Hartman // by Fernin //------------------------------// The metallic jangling of the alarm clock jolted me abruptly out of strange and foggy dreams. I had the vague impression of sitting at a desk, typing away. Great. I’d been dreaming about work—definitely something I wanted to be thinking about on a beautiful Saturday morning. Groaning and mouthing what may or may not have been obscenities, I batted awkwardly at the alarm clock until one lucky swing sent the demonic clockwork thing off the nightstand and across the floor. Ah, blessed quiet. I lay still for a few moments more, trying to take stock of things much like an operating system running startup checks. My head throbbed a bit, but I’d had worse hangovers. I couldn’t precisely recall what had happened last night, but I’d probably been out with the guys from the office again. Ralph knew this nice little bar out on the other side of Tacoma that served the most amazing margaritas… Shaking my head, I tried to focus. Okay. So I’d probably been out partying. Then why in blue blazes would I be up early on a Saturday morning when—oh! The show. The show would be on soon. Okay, that changed my priorities somewhat. No more lounging on the mattress for me. Lingering headache or no, it was time to get moving. I rolled out of bed and swayed for a moment. My body felt oddly heavy, but that was hardly a surprise if I’d had so much to drink last night that I couldn’t even remember what I’d done. The surprise was more that I wasn’t praying at the porcelain altar right now. Heh. Kicking at the much-abused alarm clock until its face was facing upward, I peered blearily at it. Yup, it was about 6:45 AM. If I hurried, I could be plunked in front of the television right on time. Breakfast could wait until later. I headed for the bathroom for my morning constitutional. A few minutes later, I trotted down the stairs to my living room, sighing in relief. My headache seemed to be lifting somewhat, so that was good. My mouth still tasted a bit like a cat had slept in it, but more thorough hygiene could wait. It wasn’t like the television was going to complain that I had morning breath. I took a comfortable seat on my couch, leaning back into the soft padding to try to make up for lost mattress time as I flipped on the TV. Now where was the—aha, there was the remote. I mashed the ‘on’ button and grinned in anticipation. Confession time. I wasn’t getting ready to watch some cool, manly show. This wasn’t GI Joe, or Transformers, or Batman, or anything like that. I, Lyle Hartman, 30-year-old software engineer and resident of Tacoma, Washington, was sitting on my couch grinning like an idiot in anticipation of the most girly show imaginable: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I was pretty excited for today’s episode, too—this was going to be the autumn concert episode. Out of any part of the show one could name, the song and dance numbers were probably my favorite bit. I couldn’t wait to see how the music was. Yeah, I know, grown man getting excited about little animated horses. What of it? My Little Pony was my secret, guilty pleasure—and I hoped it stayed that way. I’d been as careful as I could possibly be and would have gladly died before risking the unending mockery and pranks of Stan and Ralph. ‘The Stan’ and Ralph MacGuffin were two of my best friends at Delphi Software and as jock-like as you can get in a company that employs nerds almost exclusively (I swear, even the janitor has a pocket protector)… but I’m drifting off topic again. Suffice to say that I was certain that nobody knew that I liked the show, and I intended to keep it that way. The TV flickered to life. I stared at the images on the screen, my eager smile falling into a frown and then an expression of open-mouthed horror. On the screen, colorful ponies chatted happily… but I wasn’t watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. This was an early morning news show on CNN… only, it was PNN—the Pony News Network. I groaned. Either I was still dreaming, or Stan and Ralph had found me out. Okay, there was no need to panic yet. Maybe I was just hallucinating. I flipped channels until I got to the Hub. Oh, good. It was just coming off commercial break. The announcer’s voice was just as I remembered, calming my nerves as he said, “Now back to My Little Person: Software is Magic here on the Hub!” Wait. What had that guy just said? I watched in wide-eyed disbelief as the theme song started. The tune was right, but something seemed… off, to put it mildly. My little person, my little person, Aaaahh… Aaahhh… My little person! I used to wonder what my job could be, Until Delphi gave employment to me. Staring fixedly at the screen, I saw a cutesy, animated version of myself climb out of a taxi. It was definitely supposed to be me; the character was wearing my favorite vest and tie. This was… Wow. There was no question about it now. Managing to hijack my television receiver had Stanley ‘The Stan’ Winkowski written all over it. Beta testing, tons of fun No nine to five job; just get it done! I had to smile a bit despite the situation. Aside from being horrified at the prospect of having every conversation with my co-workers start out with, ‘so Lyle, how about them ponies,’ the work my friends had gone to on this prank was incredible. None of them were all that artistic, yet they’d somehow managed to put together a full-length flash animation complete with music. And their singing voices weren’t half bad. Who knew? Crazy weekends; margarita treats! And software makes it all complete. My little person… Don't you know you are my very best friends..? Finally, the title sequence ended with my co-workers and me grinning in a big group hug, just like the original opener and the real characters. Not bad at all. I was going to get my friends for this, but they’d actually done some impressive work. The sound of someone coming slowly down the stairs wrenched my attention momentarily away from the television. Odd. What had I been doing last night? I didn’t remember bringing anyone home with me, but stranger things had happened. Now that I thought about it, there had been a warm presence in the bed next to me when I’d awakened… I’d simply been too groggy to think about it at the time. I flipped the TV off and turned to greet my mystery visitor. Her voice preceded her as she neared at the bottom of the stairs. “Lyra! Lyra, honey, are you up already?” My mind ground to a screeching halt when my guest came into view. She was naked, her creamy body completely exposed to my astonished gaze. So far, so good. Her hair was a luxurious, curly dark blue with pink highlights, and she had the most amazing blue eyes… Oh, and she was on all fours. And she was a pony. In fact, she was a pony I recognized: it was Bon Bon, one of the minor characters from My Little Pony. What was a pony doing here? On earth? In my house?! I opened my mouth to say something, but hesitated. Should I talk to Bon Bon? Should I hide? What would she think, seeing a human for the first time? Was it the first time? Should I—Oh god she was looking this way! Bon Bon caught sight of me and smiled happily. “Oh, good morning. Did you sleep well?” “I- I- Don’t be scared, Bon Bon! I—!” Whoops, maybe I shouldn’t have used her name so early. She might get the impression I was stalking her. I stammered and tried to think of how to recover. The cream colored mare stared at me, confusion obvious on her face. “Scared..? Why?” Bon Bon was obviously made of stronger stuff than I’d thought. Maybe it would be better if I introduced myself. “Er… Well I would be if I woke up in a strange house with a big, pink ape thing. You’re taking this pretty well, Bon Bon. Uh… I’m Lyle. I’m what we call a human. How are you?” Some introduction, right? Lyle Hartman: Humanity’s Ambassador to Ponykind. I kept my eyes fixed firmly on her face and tried to smile in a friendly manner as I held out my hand in greeting, but Bon Bon made no move to shake it. Now she was reacting a bit more normally. She stared at me with growing puzzlement. “You... what? ‘Human..?’” “I’m not really sure how you got here,” I continued… but Bon Bon wasn’t listening. She looked absolutely dumbfounded, staring at me without really hearing the words. After a moment she closed her eyes and began massaging the bridge of her muzzle with one hoof. I trailed off, letting her wrestle with her inner demons in silence. It probably wasn’t easy, finding out that you’d woken up in the wrong world somehow. Finally, Bon Bon looked up at me again. She started to smile as though at a joke she’d just remembered, then frowned again. Then smiled again. I could practically see the gears turning in her mind, trying to process her bizarre new setting. Seeing me was probably a heck of a shock. Finally she managed to speak. “Hahaha… uh… You’re… I…” I nodded, trying to encourage the poor earth pony to continue. Bon Bon swallowed and gathered her strength. Setting her jaw, she took a deep breath and let it out. The mare’s face was a friendly yet serious mask as she waved one hoof towards the door leading into my house’s small kitchen. “Could… could you join me in the kitchen for a bit? I’m sure you’re hungry for breakfast.” “Sure.” It would be best to go along with this for the moment. I slid off the couch and followed the cream colored pony into the kitchen. Only when we got there did I start wondering how it was that she knew her way around my house. Had she been here before? Hah, not likely… Plates clattered as Bon Bon set the table. I started to help, but she shook her head and, still in silence, started preparing a meal. It was interesting to watch her work. I’d never really considered all the aspects of living without hands, but somehow the earth pony mare made it seem easy. Finally, she broke the silence as we sat, waiting for the toaster to pop up. “I hope you don’t mind toast; we really need to go grocery shopping today.” Didn’t Bon Bon mean that I needed to go grocery shopping? This was my house, but she was acting like it was hers and I was the guest! The entire situation felt increasingly surreal—and when you start with a talking pony, that’s pretty weird. I had to ask. “Toast is fine. Um… Bon Bon? Why are you acting like this is ‘our’ house?” “Because, I—I… Oh, Celestia, I can’t do this, not even to keep you calm until you go back to normal or I can find someone to fix this. This is our house!” Bon Bon was looking at me with a strained expression, her face twisted as it tried to display fear and pity in equal measure. “Whuh..?” Okay, not my finest moment, I admit. I’ve never been that good around women, especially with the way they always seem to come up with the most random things. How could I possibly have something intelligible to say to what the distraught pony had just blurted out? Instead of waiting for me to form a coherent response, Bon Bon turned and rummaged in my—apparently in her cabinets. By the time she turned back around with a large, shiny steel pot lid clenched between her teeth, I had just about gotten my brain in gear. I drew in a deep breath as she approached, trying to gather my thoughts. “Now look, Bon Bon. I know this is a weird situation. But saying crazy things like that won’t get you back to Equestria any sooner, so— Whoah! Watch it!” I jerked back in surprise as Bon Bon all but thrust the pot lid into my face. I had to grab onto it just to keep from having my nose pasted across my cheeks by a thin layer of stainless steel. As soon as I snatched at the lid, Bon Bon let go and begged, “Just look at yourself, you stupid filly!” Poor Bon Bon… All this must be too much for her. She’d clearly lost her grip on reality. I was about to drop the pot lid and give serious thought to calling animal control when something caught my eye. It was a large, light green shape reflected in the shiny surface of the lid. I stared at it, beginning to feel faintly ill. Two gold-orange eyes stared back from a distorted reflection of a face… a pony face, complete with a cute little muzzle. And was that a horn peeking out of my hair..? I swallowed, my throat suddenly dry. Bon Bon’s angry tones cut through my numb shock as she hissed, “I don’t have to ‘get back to Equestria’ because this is Equestria, Lyra Heartstrings! Now why don’t you come back to Equestria! Let’s stop this foalishness and—Lyra? Lyra!” The pot lid clattered from my hooves as I felt myself collapsing to the floor in a dead faint.