Sunset Shimmer soon found that being free of the effects of the Rainbow Wave was not all fun and games. It turned out that she had a lot of work to do on herself – work that she had hoped was done, or had already been taken care of. In short, some unpleasant, some unwanted, and some frankly wicked desires and thoughts, which she had not had in a month, were starting to return.
And she hated it.
The Rainbow Wave had essentially given her a honeymoon from her darker self. In her better moments, she was very grateful for this – the Moon of Remorse (as she now called it to herself) would have been so much harder if she’d also had to consciously, regularly restrain herself from being the cruel, manipulative, calculating person she had been before. It had actually been a blessing that she had been unable to lie and unable to resist the reasonable suggestions of kind people. It had also been very nice not to have a temper.
No more. She knew, to her distress, that the old Sunset Shimmer still lived deep inside her, and even though she was changing, and wanted to change, and hated what she had done and who she had been, the path ahead to recovery was going to be, depressingly, harder than she thought.
She found herself plotting plots and scheming schemes without even realizing it. Fortunately, she was able to restrain herself from carrying any of them out – barely. Her temper was an even harder issue. As her friends had pointed out, she had a fiery personality, and while that could certainly be harnessed to good purpose, it was not yet in her instinct to do so. Taking abuse (from anyone who wanted to give it, including underclassmen) without returning it in kind was only a single step away from impossible. Especially now that she had her physical strength back.
Also, she found that she could now try to hide her feelings from others. This she did instinctively, but fortunately her friends, Celestia, and Luna now knew her well enough to be able to tell when something was wrong – most of the time. Sunset was glad of this – she quickly realized that she could not face her old self alone, and she found, to her relief, that her friends were willing to help and support her. She had still been afraid, in spite of what Pinkie had told her nearly a month ago, that they would become angry or start to distance themselves if they knew she was struggling. It also helped to know she wasn’t alone. It was Rarity who first helped her truly believe these things. The two of them were sitting in the library, studying during a free period Wednesday morning, when Rarity noticed that Sunset was restless and was starting to make small frustrated sounds.
“Darling, what is it? Surely the material isn’t too hard for you?”
Sunset froze. Rarity put her pen down, folded her hands, and just looked at her expectantly.
“I’m fine. It’s…nothing,” Sunset mumbled, avoiding eye contact.
Rarity continued to stare – she knew that wasn’t the truth.
“What?” Sunset asked with a bit of irritation, though the irritation was quickly joined by guilt. “Sorry…”
Rarity smirked slightly. “Darling…it’s clearly not nothing.”
Sunset frowned. “I…don’t want to talk about it.”
“Well, I can hardly force you to. But I wish you would. I am your friend now, after all.”
Sunset looked at Rarity then, and Rarity could see a hint of fear – apprehension – in her face.
“Sunset, are you worried that I’ll get upset if you tell me?”
Sunset froze again, her mouth falling open just slightly and her eyes widening the tiniest bit. It was a reaction that Rarity would have missed a few weeks ago, but now she thought: Aha!
“That’s it, isn’t it?” Rarity pressed quietly.
Sunset looked away, her mouth becoming a thin line. She was clearly even more irritated – probably because Rarity had read her so easily. Rarity realized she’d have to be very careful.
“Darling, you feel what you feel. No one blames you for it. Now please tell me what’s wrong.”
Sunset just bit her lower lip and started breathing faster.
“I’m still me. You used to trust me. You would tell me anything. You’re safe, Sunset. Don’t you still trust me?”
That did it. Sunset was instantly penitent. “I’m sorry, Rarity! I do trust you, it’s just…” Suddenly Sunset appeared to be in intense emotional distress. Rarity took her hand.
“It’s ok, darling. It’s ok. I’m here.”
Sunset nodded, trying to get herself under control. “Ok…ok…it’s like this. Now that I’m free from the physical effects of the…Rainbow Wave…I’ve realized I’m free from some other effects of it too. Emotional, or maybe moral ones, I guess? It’s kind of scary, Rarity, and…really discouraging!”
“All right. Tell me more.”
“Well, basically…it’s becoming clear that…” Sunset closed her eyes and gritted her teeth, “it’s becoming clear that…the old Sunset is still inside me, alive and well,” she finally bit out.
“I see. Can you be more specific?”
“Well, it’s all kinds of things. For one, I’ve got my temper back!” she exclaimed with a cynical, bitter smile and a thumbs up. “And…I can lie again, or at least try to. I can try to hide how I’m feeling. But the worst thing…is that, unconsciously, without even trying to, I find myself thinking up plots and schemes to get people to do what I want, or to get back at them. No, that isn’t even the worst thing. The worst thing is that most of the time…” here Sunset was clearly trying to fight tears, “…most of the time I want to carry them out. The plans and schemes. You know?”
“But you haven’t?” Rarity asked gently.
“So far, no. But it’s been a near thing, Rares. Sometimes it’s a fight every minute just to…sit still! I feel angry all the time!” she finished through gritted teeth. She was breathing hard, and a tear rolled down her cheek, which she wiped away quickly.
Rarity was quiet for a moment, gathering her thoughts. She reached out and took Sunset’s other hand.
“And you’ve been afraid…that if you told us that you’re feeling these things, that we’d be upset, or disappointed, or maybe even reject you?” Rarity asked.
Sunset looked ashamed, but she nodded, wiping away another tear.
“Well, let’s start with that. First, I’m not upset with you. This is going to sound strange, Sunset, but it’s actually reassuring that you’re having these feelings. For one thing, everyone has them from time to time.”
Sunset was actually amazed. “Everyone?”
“Sunset, darling, no one is perfect. We all have mean feelings and thoughts that we have to restrain ourselves from acting on. Every day. Did you think that the rest of us were free from any ill will, or unjust anger, or other unpleasantness?”
Sunset didn’t answer right away. Finally, “Rares, I haven’t been ‘good’ in a long time. Actually, I’m not even sure I’ve ever been ‘good’. I don’t know what ‘good’ is like. Really, honestly, that is what I thought.”
Rarity couldn’t completely hide her surprise, though as she considered Sunset’s words she realized there was a certain logic to them. “All right. Well. I…suppose that’s fair enough. But let me reassure you then – you are normal. And that is what reassures me.”
“What do you mean? How can you be happy that I’m like this?”
“Happy isn’t the right word. It’s reassuring because it means I’m in good company, Sunset. And that you’re in good company. We can face things like these together, because we have some of the same struggles. We can understand, and help each other.”
“Oh,” said Sunset. This was something she clearly hadn’t thought of.
“I’m flattered that you thought we were practically perfect, but we’re not. I’m sorry to say that you’ll probably realize that for yourself soon enough. I mean, think about it – if we were perfect, or paragons of virtue, how would you have managed to divide us so easily back in sophomore year? But in any event, from what I’ve just shared with you, it should follow that I’m not disappointed in you either. Sunset, the fact that you struggle means, to me anyway, that your repentance, your reformation, is real. It hasn’t been forced on you, at least, not completely anyway. You’re not a…robot or something.”
“I guess. I really hadn’t thought of it that way.”
“And we won’t reject you. Being a friend means taking the bad with the good. How can I expect you to be perfect when I’m not? How would that be fair, darling? Sunset, at some point you’re going to end up hurting me again. Probably just a little, or maybe a little more. But you probably won’t have meant to. Or even if you did, you’ll be sorry that you did. And when you’re sorry, you know what I’ll do?” Rarity asked with an affectionate smile.
“What?” asked Sunset, honestly.
“I’ll forgive you. Just as I hope you’ll forgive me when I mess up. Because I almost certainly will mess up eventually, darling.”
“Of course I’ll forgive you!” Sunset said forcefully. Rarity smiled to herself – there was that almost heartbreakingly vulnerable honesty again.
“Let me say a couple more things.”
“Ok.”
“Aren’t you glad these feelings bother you? What would it mean if you were comfortable with them? If they didn’t distress you?”
“Oh yeah. That…would be bad.”
Rarity smiled. “So that’s reassuring, isn’t it? Something has changed. These things wouldn’t have bothered the old you.”
Sunset smiled a bit in return. “Yeah, I…I guess it is reassuring,” she admitted. “But Rares,” she suddenly said, “it’s so hard. Is it like this all the time? Every day? I don’t know if I can take this every day for the rest of my…”
“Sunset, darling, I think it will get easier,” Rarity interrupted before Sunset could complete her catastrophization.
Sunset paused. “Really?”
“Really. Ok, so you’re new to this. Fine. You just need to form new habits, new…thought patterns, I suppose. But you will, and we will help you. It will get better. I mean, one thing you could do is just imagine how the other person would feel if you did act on your unpleasant desires or plans. Or even how you would feel about how they would feel.”
Sunset’s reaction to this suggestion was striking. She turned white, or at least as white as she could, and her eyes widened. “Yeah,” she said in a stunned, faraway sounding voice. “Yeah, that’ll do it, Rares. That’ll do it.” She closed her mouth and swallowed as gripped the table with a white-knuckled hand. “Wow. Ok. Yeah,” she finished, letting out a long, shaky breath.
“Darling, are you alright?” asked Rarity with concern.
Sunset closed her eyes and composed herself, which took a few moments. Then she gave Rarity’s hands a squeeze. “Yes. Yes, I promise I’m all right. What you’ve said has truly reassured me. And I’m grateful. Really,” she said, looking up into Rarity’s eyes. “As for…what just happened, I will tell you. Just please, give me some time. I need to…sort it out. Is that ok?”
“Of course. And I’m glad I could help.”
Another thing that was stressful to Sunset was that she figured it was time to formally apologize to just about everybody – starting with her friends. Being who she now was, she planned to do it comprehensively, tearfully, and as soon as possible. They deserve it, she thought. They deserve a high-quality apology. Something thorough and heartfelt. She had gone so far as to research concepts with which she was largely unfamiliar, such as apology, sorry, forgiveness, and reconciliation. She had also discovered a concept with which she was totally unfamiliar: restitution. This concept actually excited her once she learned what it was, and making restitution quickly became the only part of the apology process to which she truly looked forward.
Her first chance came with Applejack that weekend. It turned out that Applejack had been perfectly serious about asking Sunset to come and help out on the farm. But not as penance or punishment or somesuch. “Ah actually really do need a hand, and the other girls are busy Saturday. Besides, some good old-fashioned physical work does wonders for clearing the mind, and it’ll help you get back into shape. Plus, it won’t be all work and no play. Trust me – we have plenty of fun. You have to, or it’s just…work,” Applejack had told her. So, Sunset had agreed to help with even some measure of happiness, realizing that she could, hopefully, clear the air with Applejack at the same time. She made a special purchase online, made her plans, and, early Saturday morning, she rode her motorcycle to Sweet Apple Acres.
Applejack was standing on the front porch of the farmhouse. “Howdy, partner!” she called with an honest smile, as Sunset parked her bike.
“Hi!” Sunset responded almost shyly. It was the first time she’d gone over to any of her friends’ houses on her own.
Applejack put her at ease, giving her a big hug. “Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres! Ah hope you had a good breakfast…” she said, winking at Sunset dramatically. Sunset laughed.
“Yes, AJ, I did. Celestia insisted.”
“Good. How about a hat? Ah know it’s early November, but we’re going to be outside all day, and it’s fixin’ to be pretty warm, actually. We’ve got some spares if you want one.”
Sunset allowed herself a private smile at that remark. “No thanks, AJ. I’ve been inside a lot lately – I could use the sun.”
“Suit yourself. But if you change your mind, let me know. Ready to get started? Ah’ll take you on the tour first.”
“Ok, let’s do it!”
The two girls passed the day companionably. Now and then Big Mac would join them in some task, and to Sunset’s surprise he was quite friendly. Apple Bloom was a different matter, but fortunately for Sunset they saw little of her. She did notice Applejack giving Apple Bloom a couple disapproving looks, but she decided, rightly, not to get involved in an inter-sibling issue.
In the early afternoon, after a hearty lunch, Sunset found herself in the main orchard picking, well, apples. She and Applejack were alone, and they had been getting along so well that Sunset decided it was time. It took her a while to actually start up the conversation, however, and as she got quieter, and started chewing her lip, Applejack sensed something was wrong. She put down her apple basket and regarded her newest friend. Sunset was standing there looking sad. Well, Ah guess the time has finally come, Applejack thought to herself.
“Somethin’ on your mind, sugarcube?” Applejack asked gently, with an encouraging smile. Sunset was a lot stronger now, and it was wonderful to see her walking without a limp, but Applejack knew she was still emotionally fragile.
Sunset’s mouth became a thin line. “AJ…back when it all started…I asked you if I could apologize to you. You said to wait until I was stronger. Well, I am stronger now. And…well…I know it’s not about me, but…I’m not sure I can wait much longer!”
Applejack looked down a little and sighed.
“I…it’s hard to be alone with you, and feel like there’s this thing hanging between us…” Sunset tried to explain.
Applejack looked back up at Sunset. To Sunset’s surprise, she smiled again. But it was a different kind of smile. It was a knowing one. There was quite a bit in that particular smile. It said, “I know you. I understand you. I care about you, and I know what you want to say.” Sunset became slightly embarrassed, blushed, and looked away a bit shyly.
Applejack could see she’d made Sunset uncomfortable. She reached out and put a hand on her shoulder. “Hey. Say what you need to say. Ah promise Ah’ll listen. But if you’re expecting me to get angry, it’s not going to happen. Ah’ve already told you you’re forgiven, in general anyway.”
Sunset looked confused. “But, AJ, the stuff I did to you was really bad! I...”
“Yes, it was. But here’s the deal, Sunset. You’re my friend now. For real. Ah don’t want to be angry with you. And we’ve all seen how sorry you are. Heck, you’ve hardly stopped crying for more than an hour or two at a time since October…”
“I haven’t been trying to play it up or something, I promise!”
“Ah know that. Ah believe every tear,” said Applejack firmly. “Including the ones Ah see fixin’ to start fallin’ out of your eyes right about now.” She reached up and brushed away a tear as it started to leak out of Sunset’s eye. Sunset’s lower lip was quivering now.
“Plus you’ve changed. You’re so different now,” Applejack reassured her. “Ah’m not gonna lie – it does make everything a lot easier. When…when you came up out of that crater, no one would have thought your remorse was false or incomplete. But Ah figured after a couple days, you’d start to get…well…mean again – at least a little – and that we’d have to work with you. But that’s not what’s happened.” Applejack was actually shaking her head. “Sunset, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that now, well, now you’re one of the sweetest girls Ah know. Ah’m not sure you’ve got a mean bone left in your body.”
Sunset looked up at Applejack. Her eyes were wide. “Really?”
“Really,” said Applejack with a shrug.
Sunset looked worried again, though, remembering her struggles over the past week. She wondered if Applejack would say the same things about the matter as Rarity. She shook her head at Applejack. “Maybe I don’t say or do mean things anymore, but…”
“But sometimes you think them? Welcome to the human race, sugarcube.” Suddenly Applejack froze for a second. “Sorry, that sounded kinda weird given…”
“I know what you meant,” Sunset said quickly, not wanting to interrupt Applejack’s train of thought.
Applejack appeared to shake it off. “Anyway, we all think nasty things sometimes. The important thing, which you already seem to have figured out on your own, is to recognize that they’re nasty or mean and to keep them to yourself, or reason with yourself if the thoughts are unfair. Honestly, you’re doing great, Sunset. Truly. Would it be…Ah don’t know…uh…condescending or something if Ah said Ah was…kinda…proud of you?” This time it was Applejack’s turn to look embarrassed. She looked away and rubbed the back of her head sheepishly.
To her relief Sunset immediately gushed, “No, no, not at all! Thank you for saying that! Since you and the others are teaching me about friendship, well, I’d say you’re allowed to be proud. I don’t consider it condescending at all!”
“Oh good, that’s a relief. Because Ah don’t look down on you, Sunset. That’s not what friends do.”
Sunset smiled, but her smile faded. “I still…need to say it.”
Applejack took a deep breath. “Ah know. And you’re right. It’s important. Just know that you’re safe.”
Sunset bit her lip. “Applejack…I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.” Her tears were starting again. “I’m sorry I tricked you and Rainbow into thinking you’d stood each other up. It was so mean and manipulative! And I’m sorry I cost you…” Sunset was starting to lose her composure, so Applejack took her hands. “I’m sorry I cost you guys years when you could have been friends! And I’m sorry for all the mean remarks over the years, and most of all…” here Sunset had to pause to gather her strength, “I’m sorry I tried to hurt you, or even kill you, the night of the Fall Formal!” Then she burst into full fledged tears and covered her face with her hands. “I’d take it all back if I could!” she sobbed.
Applejack found that her eyes were wet too. But she did what she had planned to do for over a month when this moment came. She took Sunset into her arms and held her. “Ah know, baby. Ah know. Thank you for saying that. Ah guess Ah did need to hear it after all. But Ah’m not angry anymore. Ah forgive you – for all of it. Ah promise.”
Sunset cried harder, but her tears were short lived. Soon she was just hiccupping and whimpering a little. Applejack took Sunset’s upper arms in her hands and held her away a little, so she could look into her eyes. “Ok, sugarcube?”
Sunset wiped a tear away. She still looked a bit sad, but not despondent as she had looked before. She nodded, sniffling.
“Now we get to do the best part,” Applejack said. Her eyes were actually alight with joy. “Now we don’t have to talk about it anymore. It’s over and done. Ok?”
Sunset smiled, but said, “Actually, there is one more thing…”
Applejack paused, confused. “Something more? No really, Sunset, Ah…”
“I know. But, well, I’ve been learning a lot about…apologies, and forgiveness, and reconciliation, and…things like that. And there is one more thing I’d like to do. I know I can’t make up for how I treated you…”
“You don’t have to, Sunset, Ah promise,” said Applejack earnestly, looking concerned.
“I know, but I want to try to…uh…I guess, make restitution? I think that’s the word I’m looking for.”
“Restitution? Gotta admit, Ah’m not familiar with that one.”
“It means to do something or give something tangible to try to right a wrong. According to my research, that is.”
“Oh. Well, ok, but…”
“One second.” Sunset ducked around a nearby tree and rummaged in her backpack, which Applejack suddenly realized was quite a bit bulkier than usual. She returned with a large box tied with twine. “Here, AJ. Please open it,” Sunset said, a bit nervously.
“Sugarcube, this isn’t necessary,” said Applejack gently.
“Please.”
Applejack still looked a bit confused, but she took the box and set it on a nearby crate. She pulled out her pocketknife and cut the twine. Then, she opened the box and froze.
Sunset waited as patiently as she could, rocking back and forth from her heels to her tiptoes.
Slowly, Applejack reached into the box and gently, reverently, pulled out the finest Stetson cowboy hat she had ever seen. “How…” she mouthed to Sunset.
Sunset shrugged her shoulders. “I actually have a little money. And not ill-gotten, either. Turned out some of the things I brought with me from Equestria were quite valuable in this world.”
Still reverently, Applejack removed her current hat and put the new one on. The fit was perfect. Moved nearly to tears, she turned to Sunset. “Ah…Ah don’t know what to say.”
Sunset felt the need to explain. “It’s to replace the one that you tore when I made you angry back in the gym that day.”
“Ah remember. But Ah never expected this. Wow, Sunset. This is incredible.” And she pulled Sunset into another hug.
“I know it doesn’t make up for everything I’ve done, but…”
“But it helps me to understand how much you wish you could. Which actually means a lot. Thank you, Sunset,” said Applejack. She pulled back from the embrace and put her hand on Sunset’s shoulder. “You’ve come a long way.”
“I…I’m glad you think so.” Sunset looked a bit awkward. Then she noticed the wet spot that still remained on Applejack’s shoulder. “Oh AJ, your shirt!” she sighed.
“Meh. Don’t worry about it. Occupational hazard of being your friend,” Applejack said with a twinkle in her eye.
Sunset actually laughed, which broke any remaining tension.
Applejack just looked at her for a few seconds. “C’mon. These apples ain’t gonna pick themselves!” Applejack declared, handing Sunset her basket. “Let’s get back to it, partner.”