//------------------------------// // The Perfect Pear // Story: A Dream // by totallynotabrony //------------------------------// Sunset came to me in the morning.  “Let’s do B&E.” “Sounds great, but where did you get the bacon?” Sunset paused.  “Oh, no, I meant breaking and entering.” “Oh.”  I shrugged.  “I do it often enough that I kind of even stopped thinking of it as a crime.  Even though I probably shouldn’t, because I’m trying to be a nice guy.  So where are we B&E’ing?”  I paused in thought.  “B’ing & E’ing?” “It think it’s just B&E,” she said.  “Since they both already stand for breaking and entering.” “Makes sense.  Where are we B&E?”  I frowned.  It might have made sense, but it still didn’t sound right. “The library.” “Why would we want to do that?  It doesn’t even have a lock on the door.” “The library in another universe.” “You have my attention, though still not my comprehension.” Sunset explained.  “It stands to reason alternate universes might not be dealing with a Gabby problem of their own.  Maybe some time to get a clear head and a different perspective can help.  So, we break into the library where we’re most likely to find you.” “True.  But how can I ask about their other ideas if I’m there?  Last I checked, when I went to other universes, I sort of replaced the regular inhabitants.” “Science, and a shitload of magic,” said Sunset. I nodded.  “I’m sold.” Sunset pulled out the magical ugly chunk of basalt that had been at the center of most everything since this whole Equestria deal had begun. I tried to remember the last time I had seen it.  I think it was when I teleported USS Milwaukee in to drop on Triek.  Good times. Anyway, apparently Sunset had picked it up.  Good thing, too.  It wouldn’t be good at all if Gabby got her hands on it.  That was literally universe-rending power right there.  I might even say that it would be the worst possible thing. We got the rig set up. It was built out of some of the circuit boards we had lying around and some software we'd been parsing. A hacked, cracked, and whacked copy of Tin Mare's Windows 98 install disk was involved. Yeah, it played Doom. I'd insisted on it. What good is a dimension-hopping device without it? Sunset put the final touches of magic into the system while I packed for the trip.  It was pretty easy. She looked over when everything was good to go.  “Are you ready?” I showed her the tequila bottle.  She nodded. So we went. Stepping through the portal, it was initially hard to tell that we’d gone anywhere at all.  Outside, Ponyville looked pretty much the same.  Both of us were still our appropriate selves thanks to Sunset’s spellwork. So there I was- Holy shit, there I am! A female version of me walked by up ahead, crossing the street.  She didn’t notice us. It was this universe, huh?  Well, we’d just have to get her someplace where we could talk without the townsponies freaking out.  Though, gender-inverted versions of me and Sunset even by ourselves would probably trigger the more observant ones. “Hey Valiant, hey Sunset,” said Pinkie as he went bouncing by. Pinkie seemed happy enough. I wondered if he and Fluttershy had recently broken up in this universe, too. I thought about what Sunset and I should do first. Stopping by the library would have been a hoot, even though we now didn’t need to because we’d found alt-me on the street instead of there.  This version of Twilight was aware of other universes, but if he was anything like my universe’s counterpart, he’d probably blow a fuse if I walked in. If he was anything as powerful, prone to magic-before-thinking, and neurotic as her, it could lead to really hilarious/messed up shenanigans.  I’m sure we can all think of a couple of examples. Sunset and I decided to follow girl-me. On our way up the street, we encountered Sir Win.  I guess that would actually be Lady Win.  Dame Win?  I am not good with titles and I don’t think it was a real knighthood anyway. Regardless, Ma’am Win seemed to delight in what Sunset and I were up to.  Demons are demons no matter what’s in their pants.  Or lack of pants because these are ponies.  Man, I’m really not good with semantics today. Fortunately, that ceased to become a problem as we rounded a corner and stepped into a trap.  I think “Shit!” summed it up pretty well. The trap was one of those magical bubble deals.  It was the usual amount of sparkly, so I at least saw it before walking into it nose first.  Still, that was only a minor upside to the major problem of who had set it up and why. I appeared.  Girl-me, I mean.  Semantics.  Valiantina, let’s say. It seemed obvious that she’d been expecting us.  I asked, “What the shit?  You could have at least asked what I wanted before slapping me with a bubble spell.” “We’re the same, asshole,” she said.  “I knew you weren’t up to anything good.” “For your information, I’ve been trying to be a nice guy, because it’s such a radical change from before.  I’m trying to get on the Nice List, because I work for Santa Claus now.” “That does explain the red coat,” she allowed. “So are you going to let us out?  I need to talk to you.” Sunset showed up.  Valiantina nodded to him and he dispersed the spell. “Walk with us,” said Valiantina.  She grumbled.  “If we’re going to do this, there are a few others I want you to meet.” We walked into the library.  Twilight was there and his eyes got big upon seeing two Valiants and two Sunsets. “Don’t mind us,” I said.  “Just off to go screw ourselves like you’ve probably been wishing to say but never said for so long.” Twilight put on an expression that appeared to be his best attempt at “not my monkeys, not my circus,” and pretended it didn’t bother him. We went into a back room at the library.  In my universe, this was used for storage.  Apparently everything in it had been moved to the basement or something because the place was clear save for a table,several chairs and a big portal on one wall. Oh, and the place was full of Valiants.  I spotted one who was an inverted version - black with an orange mane.  There were a couple of different variants, unicorns, pegasi, non-ponies. “So you’re probably wondering why you’re here,” Valiantina said. “You all aren’t dealing with a domineering Gabby griffon too, are you?” I said. They all stared at me. Invert Valiant said, “Yes.” “Great, I was hoping-” “He means no,” said Valiantina.  “He’s opposite.” I looked at him.  “So your name’s...Tnailav?” “No.” “Great.”  I turned back to the rest.  “So anyway, I’m dealing with a domineering Gabby griffon and I’m sure you can all imagine why someone as good at things as she is would be a really difficult villain to gank.” “We aren’t here to talk about that,” said Valiantina.  “The Council of Valiants-” “We have a Council of Valiants?” I said.  “That’s so cool, why am I only hearing about this now?” “Because no one likes you,” she said. “God, you’re such a bitch.”  I should point out that I use the term gender-neutrally.  Anyone can be a bitch.  Dudes can be bitches. “I’m just saying,” I went on, “that the issue of Gabby potentially taking over my universe has the implication that she or her alt selves might do the same to you guys.  I could really use some brainstorming here, and it could benefit you too.” One of the Valiants who looked like a huge nerd said, “Wow, he really must be trying to be a nice guy if he’s actually willing to compromise and seek help.” “Shut up, this isn’t about him.”  Valiantina threw the other guy a look. “Sunset, choke that bitch,” I said. Sunset did. I walked over so I could speak cordially with Valiantina.  Nobody else in the room had come to her assistance. “Hey, so, I really appreciate getting the gang together, but unless y’all are facing imminent existence failure the same as me, I think I’ve got the biggest problem here.” I looked around.  “Do I have the biggest problem?” “No,” said Tnailav. “Good.”  I turned back to Valiantina.  “Though I am kind of curious why you called the Council of Valiants together if it wasn’t about my thing.” “Monthly meeting,” she wheezed between Sunset’s hooves. “Seriously?  And you never invite me?”  I shook my head.  “Nevermind, back on topic, if I never come to these things, why did you have traps laid?  How did you know to expect me today?” “Because my Sunset wanted to do a B&E in your universe,” she wheezed. I glanced at my Sunset.  “Choke that bitch, too.” Sunset did.  See?  Bitch is gender-neutral. “All right, gang,” I said, stepping to the head of the table.  I frowned. “Not to make it sound too much like Scooby Doo or anything. Are we a gang?” Confused muttering went around the room. No one could say for sure. I saw everyone's tape recorders come out to take notes. “Okay, so we might be a gang. We'll vote later. We can put that off for now to get back to the important thing.” I cleared my throat. “Gabby is the best at everything, and in my universe she’s trying to be the best at everything ever, so that kind of clashes with normal leadership and ethics, if you catch my drift.  What are we going to do about her?” Everyone started tossing ideas out.  Unfortunately, I had forgotten that this was effectively talking to myself.  All the ideas were ones I’d already had. “I think the problem is you’re thinking of her as a kittybirb on steroids, rather than a force of nature,” said a version of me with a lisp who for some reason kept referring to Gabby as a kittybirb. “She is a griffon, who might be on steroids,” I pointed out.  “Why should I think of her as a force of nature?” “Because she can’t be stopped,” he said.  “Only planned for and recovered from.” “Bullshit.  I’ve never encountered a problem I couldn’t overcome, up to and including actual forces of nature. Screw you, nature.” Agreeable mutters went around the room. “I think you’re forgetting that if you could have solved this problem yourself, you wouldn’t have come to us,” Valiantina wheezed.  “Also, I think I’m dying.” “Big deal.”  But I was being sarcastic.  It was, in fact, a small deal. I turned back to the crowd. “Come on, this is us. Somebody's got to have a good out-of-the-box idea.” “Hey,” said the nerd Valiant.  “I think I know why this isn’t working.  We’re sober!” “That’s an excellent point!”  I pulled out the tequila. I don’t remember much after that, but I think I pretty well cemented my status as a developing nice guy.  We didn’t come up with a solid plan for Gabby, but I had a couple of things I wanted to try. I'm pretty sure that whatever happened, Twilight wouldn't be going into that back room for a long, long time. Sunset and I went back to our own universe later that day.  Being drunk, I probably didn’t show the proper emotional reaction to Applejack finding out the truth about her parents when I met her in the street shortly thereafter.  Ugh, it looked like I’d have to be sending another gift basket apology.  This nice guy shit was really draining. What were you supposed to put in a fruit basket meant for a farmer who only grew one kind of fruit?  Did that mean they only liked that kind, or were severely deprived of every other kind?  I instead went with flowers and chocolate.  Apparently women like that.  Especially when they’re the kind of women who think flowers are good to eat. I think. I'm not a woman. Bitch.