When the Doctor left, Derpy gave him a solemn wave goodbye from the door, and stood in it watching him walk off until he was out of sight. Once she turned around and shut the door, Ego Trip started talking again.
“It’s cute that you thought I was a ghost,” Ego Trip said. “No, really, that’s adorable. That you’d think all your problems would go away if you just got somepony else to come sweep your house of them. Like they were dust you could hide under the rug.”
Derpy said nothing, just dragged her hooves inside and began working on supper. It was still just past noon, but she needed to occupy herself somehow, and she could make a pretty good stew with potatoes, dumplings, and lentils with this much time. She didn’t really know how to cook much beyond muffins, but soup, stew, and sandwiches were easy: Just put things in each one and hope for the best.
She kept herself busy until the stew was simmering on the stove, and then she went to go clean, only to remember she had just cleaned yesterday. It was still early afternoon. She picked up her book and tried to read, but she found herself reading the same paragraph over and over without registering anything inside it.
Derpy put the book down and stared around her house.
There was nothing she wanted to do.
“Are you ready to talk, yet?” Ego Trip asked.
“No.” Derpy stood up and marched to her front door. She stepped outside, shut it behind her, and went for a walk.
Derpy aimed herself out of town, looking to walk through something with few ponies around. There was a nice set of woods nearby, right on the edge of the Everfree forest. It was kept manicured and safe by groundsponies, so in the middle of the day it was safe, while it was closed in the evening and at night.
Derpy walked. And she stared. She stared at flowers, trees, birds, bees, leaves, sticks, and the occasional hoofprint. There weren’t any ponies around that she had seen, so they were further ahead of her on the trail, or they were long gone. She did everything she could to keep herself busy so that she wouldn’t have to think. Ego Trip made it hard, though.
“You’re alone, Miss Hooves. This was a foolish choice. You don’t like being around other ponies because they make you feel like you don’t fit in, but you don’t like being alone because it reminds you that you’ve nopony to talk to but yourself,” Ego Trip said.
Derpy avoided responding to him. He’d been talking constantly, and all of it had been putting her down. His constant chattering was really starting to wear on her. He was trying to get her to tell him about the black road, but she was having none of it. This whole walk had been to avoid talking to him, but he was making his constant presence known, and that made him difficult to ignore.
She stopped at a pond and sighed. Ignoring him wasn’t going to work. “Fine. What do you want?”
“You know what I want,” Ego Trip said.
“I’m not telling you about the black road. What else do you want?” Derpy said.
“We can talk about your friend the Doctor if you like.”
“I don’t want to talk about him with you.”
“Oh? Whyever not? He’s smart, handsome, well-dressed, and is liked by most everypony he meets,” Ego Trip said. “Then there’s you: Dumb, homely, poorly-groomed, and when you meet somepony you crash into them. Not the best first impression.”
“I’m not dumb.”
“I like that that’s the only one you denied. Why didn’t the Doctor stay for dinner, by the way? How come you didn’t invite him?”
“Because… because…”
“Because you know he couldn’t possibly see you the way you see him?”
Derpy’s vision swam, and she tottered as dizziness washed over her. When it cleared, the world around her had changed once again. Trees were gnarled shadows of their former selves, the water in the pond nearby was dark and murky, and the animals glared at her with angry yellow eyes.
Something was different this time, however. There was black at the edge of her vision, and her head turned without her telling it to do so. She tried to tell it to move back to look at the pond, but it wouldn’t go.
“Ah, I hit a nerve with that one, didn’t I?” Derpy said in Ego Trip’s voice.
Derpy spoke, but her mouth didn’t move. This time it was her voice that seemed to come from nowhere at all. “I didn’t say that! What’s going on?”
“We’re going on a little trip, Miss Hooves. Down the black road, to see where it leads us, and find out what’s on the other side,” Ego Trip said.
“I don’t want to! Everypony will miss me!”
“Oh? Who’s going to miss you? The Doctor? Crafty Crate?” Ego Trip said. “They’ll wonder where you went, and accept that you’re missing, but they’ll chalk it up to ‘that clumsy pony’, and get on with their lives. They’ll shake their heads sadly every now and then, but they’ll be glad you’re gone deep down.”
Derpy watched as her hooves stepped onto the black road where it slithered sinuously through the park. It was always just nearby anytime her vision went like this, waiting for her. Tempting her to follow. She never did, but Ego Trip wasn’t held back the same way she was. Ego Trip wanted to go.
“I… I don’t want to go.”
“Of course you do. You’ve been curious about this your whole life. ‘What’s down the mysterious road, where nopony knows who I am, and nopony has to worry about me crashing into them. Nopony can possibly worry about me, and won’t have to take care of me or accommodate me.’ That’s what’s down this road, isn’t it?” Ego Trip said.
She knew.
Derpy knew the whole time, and Ego Trip was right. Nopony would worry about whether or not she would crash into them. The Doctor wouldn’t have to worry about making sure she was okay, and Crafty Crate wouldn’t have to worry about coming up with custom work for her just so she could continue to have a job. She wouldn’t be a hazard, and the Cakes wouldn’t have to keep giving her muffins for free just for bringing them something that was down the street.
Her visioned darkened further as Ego Trip took her down the black road. The edges of her vision crawled further toward the center, giving her a small circle of a view.
But…
Crafty Crate would never be able to pat her on the head anymore everytime she shared her free muffins with him. Mrs. Cake would never be able to ask her if she was okay after her inevitable crashed entry to the shop. She’d never be able to read another of Lyra’s strange books she always shared with her. She’d never be able to experiment with soup ingredients anymore. She’d never feel the butterflies in her stomach from seeing Doc’s smile and touching his hoof when he helped her up from the ground.
Derpy stretched her wings out and flapped hard, wincing as her sprain flared hot with pain. The lift was enough to give her back some air, and her vision widened, filling with spots as she gasped and inhaled. She yanked the rope from around her throat and stopped flapping, letting herself fall back to the forest floor. She rolled on the ground, breathing hard and clutching a hoof to her sprained wing, crying.
She cried for a long while. Nopony passed by. She’d selected this area because it was behind a mess of thick brambles, and had a nice view of the pond between some trees. Ponies wouldn’t find her for a long while.
When she was finished crying, she pulled herself back to her hooves and looked up at her tree. Her vision was normal again, and she could see the rope she’d strung up there. It hung like a serpent, whispering sour words in her ears. She glared at it, climbed up the trunk, untied the rope, and tossed it into the pond. It floated away, harmless. She sniffled, wiped her nose on her foreleg, then stuck her tongue out at it and walked away.
Derpy trudged all the way back to Ponyville, each step heavier than the last, but she made it.
She could handle it, she was… she was…
Derpy broke down crying again as she left the forest. Hard, wailing sobs. This time it didn’t last very long before she was interrupted by a voice.
“Derpy?” Lyra called out.
The mint green pony came crashing through the bushes, and scooped her up in a hug. Derpy winced at the pressure on her wing but said nothing. She just hugged Lyra back and bawled harder.
“Guys, I found her!” Lyra yelled.
Soon afterward, several other ponies came up the path into the woods and crowded around her. Crafty Crate, Mr. and Mrs. Cake, Bon Bon, and finally, Doc. The rest of them parted to let Doc in closer, and he traded places with Lyra to hug Derpy. They were all quiet as they just let Derpy cry herself out, until she was all the way down to sniffles. She wiped her face and nose on his tie, then realized what she did and tried to wipe it off with a hoof, just succeeding in smearing it around more. Then she started crying again. When she was done, Doc pulled back and held out a hoof to help her up. She smiled, sniffled, and accepted, her heart fluttering like it did every time.
“What’s wrong Miss Muffins?” Doc asked.
Derpy explained how she felt. Like she was just a burden to everypony around her, and how Mr. Crate just gave her a job because she had nothing else, and how the Cakes only accepted deliveries because they wanted to give her something to do, and how Lyra and the Doctor only humored her because nopony else wanted to. She laid it all out, but left out the last part where she had just tried to kill herself.
When she was done, everypony around her clamored to speak at once. The Doctor silenced them and answered first. “Miss Muffins, we’re all very happy to have you around. It’s true, your faults are many, but we don’t let those faults force us to do anything. We do what we do because we’re your friends, and we want to help you. Nopony is an island,” Doc said.
“We likes you just the way you iz, Derpy,” Crafty Crate said.
“You enjoy our muffins more than anypony else, Miss Muffins. Seeing you eat them no matter how good or bad we think they are is just as much a blessing for us as it is delicious for you,” Mrs. Cake chimed in.
“Bon Bon doesn’t want to talk about books as much as you do, Derpy. Hearing your opinion on the books I recommend is a highlight I look forward to. It’s not a chore,” Lyra said.
“I noticed you were looking rather down after your injury, so I gathered all your friends together to hold a little soiree to cheer you up. I hope that’s okay,” Doc said.
Derpy wiped her cheeks with a hoof, trying to compose herself. She smiled wide at all of them, seeing the few friends she had come together like this was a good feeling, and one she had forgotten. Maybe Doc wouldn’t ever be her special somepony, but if she never saw him again, it was certain he wouldn’t be.
She was tough, but every so often she needed reminding she didn’t have to tough it out alone.