As I prepared to fight six technicolored talking horses, I froze and took a good, long look at myself.
"Holy crap... is this my life now?"
The six ponies stopped. Twilight raised an eyebrow and asked,
"Uh... what do you mean by that?"
"Like, is this my life now? Living on the run, fighting a bunch of frickin ponies. I mean... that's kinda depressing."
I went from having the makings of a career and saving up for a house to this. And I'd been distracting myself from it all with all the running around but it all just hit me like a ton of bricks.
"Well you chose to live this way! If you hadn't broken into Celestia's vault and stolen that gold you wouldn't be in this mess."
I shrugged and leaned back, looking up at the clouds overhead.
"Maybe. But does it really matter in the end?"
Twilight, seeing an opportunity, stepped forward.
"I believe everypony deserves a chance to change. Turn yourself in and we'll help you turn your life around. You don't have to be a villain. You could use your skills to help ponies all across Equestria!"
"You mean I could... be a hero?"
The six ponies nodded, looking hopeful.
"I've... always dreamed of being a hero. But... ponies were always scared of me instead. So I figured if they were going to hate me, I'd just given up."
Twilight trotted over and placed a hoof on my shoulder.
"We all have struggles that we face. What really matters is--"
THUMP!
Six Royal Guards landed around us with a carriage landed after them. A guard in purple armor glared at me.
"Surrender, Drake. Your thievery ends here."
"Shining!"
He looked over and blinked.
"Twily? What are you doing?"
By now the crowds attention had been drawn to the two ponies. Huh... that worked better than I had expected.
"We were about to arrest Drake, but what are you doing here?"
"Spike sent Celestia a letter saying Drake was in Ponyville. So we came as fast as we could. Don't worry, we'll take care of him."
"Wait! he seems to have realized the error of his ways. Shining, give me a chance and I'm sure I can help him change for the better."
Shining Armor thought it over before smiling at his sister.
"Alright Twily. You go get em."
Twilight nodded before turning around, the rest of the crowd turned their attention from the two siblings and back to... nothing.
"Wait, where'd he--"
(Halfway across town)
I ran as fast as my legs would carry my. I would have flown, but those guards had wings too.
"Suckers! I'm too dead inside to feel regret!"
I was almost free of the town when a globe of yellow magic formed around me.
"What the--"
"Hm... it seems I was just in time."
Princess Celestia herself landed before me and gave me a disapproving look. I groaned.
"Oh great, SunnyD's here."
"Yes, I am here. And I believe you possess several of my belongings."
"Nope. I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Hmm... we'll see how long you'll remain stubborn when you're in prison."
"I would say 'we'll see how long you can be a whore' but I feel like that's just permanent."
"DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT THE PRINCESS THAT WAY!"
Oh look, the freak show arrived. The guards and the six ponies from before came to a screeching halt just behind me. It had been the guard in purple armor that had said that.
"Shut it she-man. Can't you see grownups are talking."
If I could just bait them into removing this bubble I could get away. I'd break their line of sight and teleport. As it is, I couldn't use magic if I wanted to. Guard dude fumed but Celestia held a hoof up.
"Captain Shining Armor, that will be enough."
The guard backed off.
"Yeah, we don't want you getting hurt. You're obviously so used to having Princess Lardass fight your battles for you that you couldn't tell a sword from your own--"
"Silence! You're not talking your way out of this one. You'll be staying in one of the highest security prisons in all of Equestria until you tell us where the stolen gold is. Then you can begin serving your sentance.
"So... am I supposed to care? Cause I don't."
Purple stepped forward, a scowl on her face.
"To think I thought you'd actually realized what you were doing was wrong."
"To think you're stupid enough to try to guilt trip me. How long can you ponies live without a brain?"
"HEY! NOBODY TALKS ABOUT MY FRIENDS THAT WAY!"
Rainbow flew forward, intent on decking me. Cmon, just do it! Take the bait!
A purple aura formed around her tail and dragged her back.
"Stop, Rainbow. I think we should leave him to Princess Celestia."
Everyone cheered as Celestia took to the air, my bubble floating ahead of her. Well crap....
(Mount Iron Penitentiary)
"Name."
"Puff the Magic Dragon."
"Name."
"Danny DeVitto."
"Name!"
"Ron Swanson."
The guard fumed before one of Celestia's little underlings whispered something to her. She nodded before writing something down.
"Step in front of the camera."
I walked over and stood in front of the designated wall. I could see Celestia watching with a group of guards from behind the camera.
"Look straight ahead."
I struck a pose like a swimsuit model and gave them the smolder. They had already hit the button so that became my mugshot. I heard an exasperated sigh before my next set of instructions came.
"Turn to the right."
"Make sure you get my good side."
Click. And now they were leading me towards the interrogation room. I sat down and looked at the one way mirror. I had been stripped of my coat and had handcuffs to match my black and white striped shirt. I waved at the mirror.
"Hi, Celestia. Enjoying the show?"
I swear I heard a thump from the mirror before the door opened. In walked a guard who set down a tape recorder and hit the record button.
"Alright, scum. Where's the gold."
"I dunno. Maybe here, maybe there, maybe up your butt and around the corner?"
He slammed his hooves on the table.
"You think you're funny? Huh! Well let me tell you something, bub. I've broken bigger criminals than you. So here's what's going to happen."
He leaned in close and whispered in what would have been an intimidating way if I hadn't been hoping for this.
"I. Will. Break. You."
"NO I WILL NOT SLEEP WITH YOU!!"
He froze.
"What?"
"I don't care if you will reduce my sentence. I'm not about to sleep with you! You can keep your filthy hooves to yourself."
His eyes went wide and he turned to the recorder.
"I did not say anything about--"
"Wanting to exchange 'services' for time off? Nice try. We all saw you lean in to whisper your offer. And I know you've been eyeballing me ever since you took my clothes off. But guess what, I am not interested. If you think I'm going to do something that depraved just because you're a guard you're dead wrong."
He scowled but it was too late, he'd lost his composure and the tape now had questionable content. He worked his mouth for a bit before growling.
"This isn't over."
He turned off the recorder and stormed out if the room. I leaned back as more guards entered to lead me to my cell.
"Too easy."
---------------------
I sat on the bed in my cell and fiddled with my cuffs. I'd been told that they would suppress my magic so I couldn't breath fire, but I'm assuming they worked on my sorcery too. The chain had been removed so they were just attached to my wrists. But... I had already picked the lock on them. Seriously! They were easy as all heck! All I had to do was wiggle my claw around a few times in the inner mechanisms and I managed to unlock it! But then I realized that was because they were for unicorns, creatures without claws, so I wasn't just good at lockpicking... the guards thought I was stupid.
"This is going to be fun."
I could escape now... but this was my golden opportunity to not only make some criminal allies, but to tick Celestia off. I was going to start a prison break. Tomorrow at breakfast I'd begin making allies and then... then it was plotting time.